Daughter has gone NC with me over comment on her new profile photo

[Luceee25]

DD (30) can be very stubborn, and has been NC with me for nearly two weeks now which I am finding really upsetting.

She had been away travelling with a friend and always posted photos to Facebook to keep everyone updated. She has lots of family on there who always interact with her.

When she returned, she uploaded a new profile photo which was basically of her bare behind when led on a boat with only a tiny bit of string from her swimwear to protect her modesty.

I suggested to her that she might have wanted to reconsider whether that was really appropriate and also pointed out that any prospective employers could potentially see that and it wouldn’t give the image of a professional.

She went ballistic, told me it’s 2026 and women are empowered to share photos like that. She then told me she wanted some space and hasn’t responded to any of my attempted contact since.

I am now doubting whether I was out of order with what I said initially. I have apologised repeatedly for offending her (although I do stand by my comments completely). Do you think I should have shut up?

Once again. Do you think your advice will help o.p and her daughter

The theme song for people who will die alone

dO yOu HoNeStLy tHiNk aSkInG pOiNtLeSs qUesTiOnS iS a VaLiD rEsPonSe?

Alternating capitalisation is used online to convey mockery sarcasm or irony, mimicking the inarticulate, petulant or childish tone or words being responded to. It's used very widely indeed to indicate that the words being responded to are pointless, ridiculous, childish, ignorant etc.

So yes I know full well that alternating caps in eMpOwErInG makes the point more strongly, effectively mocks the nonsensical notion that baring your arse in public is eMpOwErInG and annoys all the right people.

Hope this helps.

You're not the comment police. It is not your place to try to lecture other commenters. Hope this helps.

I think you were correct to give her the heads up, pity you had to though.

I believe recruiters do have a nose around the SM of prospective interviewee's....they charge enough to place someone with a client.

Yep, this. Even if the overgrown toddler reaction continues, there's nothing at this point that OP can do to make her behave more reasonably. Her daughter has had a petulant melt down over nothing, she recognises that she has power over her mother and that her mother is a soft target, she is on her high horse pretending to herself (and probably others) that her mum is in the wrong and it will become harder and harder for her to back down from that incoherent belief the more entrenched it becomes.

If OP continues to argue with her, or even discuss the situation, the daughter will feel she has to dig herself into a corner even more, you have to leave people a way to escape their bad argument with dignity, if you want things not to escalate.

Her daughter is wrong and has treated her mother badly and is probably embarrassed by the reality that exposing her arse in public was not a great move.

She will not admit this to herself or others though, and OP has already apologised for doing nothing wrong. Her daughter is looking for a way to save face and at the moment that is to be cruel to her mother, she has to delude herself into believing this cruelty is ok by convincing herself that her mother is just very wrong and had no right to try to help her.

Best thing now is just to not mention it at all, but keep the lines open. It will pass, as you say, when the daughter wants something again, or when she calms down and some part of her realises her reaction to her mother's fair concerns were extreme. And maybe, if she has kids of her own she will finally get it and give her mother a long overdue apology. Or maybe not.

Either way, I think the only thing OP can do now is just not react, and leave it for a bit, then offer a tentative olive branch in a few weeks changing the subject entirely.

It's generational. I'm 32 and whilst I wouldn't post something like that, I wouldn't bat an eyelid at people who do. It's just a thong and to me it's no big deal. I wouldn't go NC but I'd defo tell my mum to mind her own business and she'd probably also get treated to a little 'i can do what I want with my own body' rant. I wouldn't hold it against her though. If just accept we have different ideas and move on.

If she's been to uni, she will have been through the uni style feminism and will have had tons of friends who don't give a stuff about skin being exposed (which is exactly my experience). As I said, I wouldn't do it, but genuinely dc what other women post and don't feel anything about it beyond 'cool, good for them'.

It's not generational.

There are, always have been, always will be people of all ages who judge others harshly for exposing their arse cheeks publicly - at least since clothes became a thing.

In fact, because we have been in a period of extended societal permissiveness we are swinging back the other way now, and I am seeing young women lecturing one another on modesty pretty regularly online.

I couldn't care less either way, though of course I'd be concerned for my daughters opening themselves up to public ridicule like that - just as the OP is.

There are many of all ages who would think less of her for it. And it's entirely her choice, of course. But it's a good thing her mother pointed out to her that other people will look down on her for it. Some, of all ages, will indeed look down on her and judge her for it. Some won't. It's a useful thing for her daughter to learn - public exposure of your arse does have consequences, not all of them will be to your liking and yes she may well be in a little bubble of eMpOwErEd females so it's even more important she realises that it is just that - a bubble.

Op genuine concerns are valid. Her daughter has a right to ignore them.

All that aside, OPs only way forward now is to leave it, not discuss it and try to approach her daughter about something different in a few weeks time. Least said soonest mended.

I don't get how it's empowering to expose yourself to the public. People can get so hyped up by sort of: 'You go girl!' attitudes, I can't help thinking that perverts are exploiting this to get themselves off.

If my DM said this it would probably be the wake up call I'd need and I'd defer to her wisdom.

Does your DD have low self-esteem and have you rained on her parade/ held up a mirror that she wants to avoid?

People of all ages have different ideas around modesty etc, but there is 100% a generational divide on how much skin exposure is generally acceptable. A higher proportion of people aged 30 won't care about things like crop tops and risky bikinis Vs 60+ year olds who will care. Obviously there are outliers but as a general feeling, there has been a shift in attitudes towards how women dress. My mum is definitely of the 'you don't want to wear anything revealing' era, as are all my aunties who are a similar age. Whereas my friends (whilst having individual preferences) don't care about low cut dresses, short skirts, your mid riff being out, etc 🤷 I also just don't see the issue with someone having a bikini on in a profile pic. It's just a bikini.

30 year olds aren't stupid either. She will know some people will look at it and think 'slut, she's asking for attention' or whatever. She doesn't need her mum to tell her at that age.

That being said, it's such a non issue. I assume mums and daughters have had these chats since the dawn of time. OPs daughter will get over it once she wants something 🙈

She was stupid to put this out on social media for all to see.

Thong bikinis are fashionable again. All the women on love island are wearing them. I wore one 20+ years ago when I still had bumcheeks worth showing off. I really can't imagine a job caring about photographic evidence of an employee in a skimpy bikini on holiday and I have a professional job.

2 weeks of not talking to a parent wouldn't count as no contact to me either. She's travelling and having fun.

No, there isn't. Yes, there are differing views between generations and a more permissive attitude towards naked arses in 15-30s overall , but there are many young women who do not agree with public skin exposure and a lot of teenage girls who are doubling down on "modesty".

Views change all the time, we are sliding back towards "modesty" being pushed (a word I generally despise because it is often weaponised against women).

I wonder how you think views and societal expectations change, as they very much do, swinging backwards and forwards over time very pointedly. History repeats itself and is doing so now.

The fact that Ops daughter is baring her arse in public means many will judge her and it won't be all older women.

Many women from older generations are desperate to be seen as inclusive and gain some power from latching on to youthful movements so they will support public nudity regardless. Many won't care, like me. If you go into even older generations, those who lived in the 60s think wandering around nearly naked is very cool and flower power boho. Some will be more conservative in their views.

It is of course very silly to imagine young women are a hive mind of permissive beliefs. There are, as I said, many young women online now hammering "modesty" and opposed to nudity and bare skin. This concerns me, to be honest, the corrective swing in societal expectations and behaviours is rarely without cost.

So yes, overall, young people will be less likely to openly judge her. That does not mean they are not judging her. And older people would be more likely to openly judge her negatively, while many will view a woman baring her arse as acceptable, good or neutral.

Age groups are never an amorphous blob of agreement. And all have blurred outlines.

It is simply untrue to claim that no young people are judging her daughter for baring her arse in public. Of course they are. People of any generation are not, ever, a hive mind. That some might keep quiet about it does not mean the young woman is safe from negative judgement and possible consequences - even if it's down to jealousy. Some women will loathe her for signalling what looks like sexual availability. There are all sorts of factors in play.

Age is a variable and not a constant in this. There is no agreement about societal expectations of any kind across all age groups and these notions are fluid and change over time.

And, again, out in the world she has to accept that judgement comes from all sorts of places and groups. She cannot live in a bubble. So it's a good thing she has been alerted to the reality that public nudity can have consequences, and there is no way at all of telling who will be thinking what, avoiding her, gossiping about her, assuming she is easy pickings - or thinking woo hoo how empowering.

She has a right to publicly bare her arse. It's good she now knows that many people, of all ages, will not be happy about it. Hopefully she processes that reality for her own sake.

I think she means (ungrammatically) 'laid', which in some Norhern accents would be pronounced 'led'.

That is a correct statement and you are being unnecessarily weird. Like being led up the garden path or led astray. So boarding a boat can be a wobbly experience so being led seems rational. Time to go back to school, perhaps?

What your adult daughter puts on her profile is not your problem and I feel like this was more about you thinking what other people would think about her lack of modesty and, consequently, what it suggests about you since you’re her mum.

You didn’t need to comment, but if you were going to you should have perhaps been more tactful in your approach. It comes across quite critical how you worded it.

You could have said something along the lines of, Hi X, I know what you put on Facebook is up to you, and I personally don’t have a problem with it, but I’d be mindful of how you could be seen by prospective employees and customers if they were to see it. They really look these days’ and if you wanted to be more playful to make it safer you could have added something like ‘great arse though’ 😉🤣 to the end.

It sounds like she might have felt a sense of shame at being told off by her mother at 30. I’d leave it now and wait for her to come back of her own accord. I think she probably will, you haven’t committed the crime of the century.

If you wanted to, you could send one last text telling her that you’re sorry for upsetting her, you understand she doesn’t want to talk to you at the moment and you will leave her alone from now on, but you are here for her if she wants a chat any time. Then just wait and see. It’s all you can do.

She might regret it when she's older and more mature? She's THIRTY, not thirteen! It might be a daft thing she's done, but the way you talk as if she's so young and unknowing makes me wonder if you're also patronising to her face without realising.

I think OP perhaps meant that her DD was lying/sunbathing on the boat (though I originally understood it as you did…I thought she was boarding the boat).

Wait, she's THIRTY years old and is flashing her arse in public or attention?! Oh I am so sorry, how very embarrassing for you (and for her). Even worse that she's throwing such a tantrum over your genuine and fair concern too.

Just leave it be for now OP, hopefully she will stop behaving like a teenage brat soon and come to her apparently adult senses.

This thread is hysterical. Who knew that holiday pics in a skimpy bikini was such a sensitive nerve on mumsnet and would cause all and sundry to rock up and declare a 30 year old woman has defiled herself irreparably and her life is ruined😂

Mother/daughter relationships are complicated. There's no way we have the full picture here so no real point commenting - the lack of contact could be entirely unrelated to BumcheekGate and actually a reaction to mother dearest telling her daughter something she's already quite aware of for the 400th time in 2026. Or she could be histrionic and mortally offended that her mother has dared to speak to her. Honestly who can tell from one side with things like this that involve fully grown adults.

Your comment is hilarious. Isn't it fantastic though that nobody said that 😅

P.s. it might be best for PP to collectively agree to never visit any beaches in south america to be on the safe side and avoid any flesh induced collapses

You did absolutely nothing wrong.

"She has degraded and totally disgraced herself OP."

None of us have even seen the photo!! I think the responses are so out of pocket and people have assumed the absolute worst like its just a whole full moon taking up the entire profile picture circle 😅 could be I suppose?!

Good god, don't do this! You might as well say "Consider me your doormat DD"

At 30 she is also old enough not to sulk like a spoilt toddler.

You've apologised repeatedly, I'd honestly leave it there and leave her to her strop, every further "apology contact" from you just validates her behaviour.

Leave her to calm down in her own time frame.