AIBU to not want sex with my husband?

[Anonymous23458d]

I need some honest opinions as I’m starting to question myself.

I’ve been with my husband 10 years, we have a 4-year-old and a 19-month-old (traumatic birth with the youngest, 3a tear & severe heammorage). I’m at home full-time with both kids and we’re also trying to get the house ready to sell and move.

My husband says I’ve “trapped him in a sexless marriage” and that I’m turning him into “less of a man” because I don’t want sex. He also says I’m manipulative and using sex against him.

For context, we’ve probably had sex about 5 times since our youngest was born 19 months ago.

From my side:

I’m exhausted most of the time

I don’t feel emotionally supported or connected to him

he’s quite dismissive when I raise concerns

he doesn’t help much unless I constantly ask or delegate

A recent example—after a full day of painting, looking after the kids and going to his mothers, I didn’t want sex that evening and it caused a big argument.

He says he’s been patient and I’m being unfair. I feel like being pressured, criticised, and unsupported makes me want it even less.

AIBU to not want sex in this situation?

May I make a guess here that your lack of desire towards him is partly due to exhaustion of bearing a huge parenting load, but also because he doesn’t truly feel like your safe space. That feeling when you melt into the arms of the person you love, and sex naturally follows. From everything else you say, I’m going to guess that feeling isn’t there - and that the absence of sexual desire is a symptom of a wider issue. I’m sorry you’re contending with so much at the moment. I hope you can get some clarity and space x

Yes OP take one step this week even if it is to do some research on schools etc, you would feel even more trapped if you started to homeschool. Or look into what kind of benefits you might get to support you.

A lot of people are saying he might leave, but equally he might not leave but he'll continue to behave this way or even worse and it will be a toxic environment for you and for your kids, and it would be truly awful for the kids because there would be no escape from the home environment the way school can be.

Those men are shit humans. Certainly not suited for long term marriage.

I cannot imagine leaving a partner because a new child and birth injuries left them without a sex drive for a mere 19 months. How on earth would you deal with real relationship issues?!

I’ll be honest and say I’d leave dh if we had sex a mere 5 times in 19 months unless he had say Ed and had tried everything he could to work around it and we where still at least intimate in other ways but even then I’m not sure.

If I’m a shit women then so be it. But without sexual intimacy we might as well be house mates.

What about if men were the ones who carried babies and he had been through pregnancy and carried your baby, suffered a traumatic birth with a 3a tear and severe hemorrhage?
Would you leave him then if you only had sex 5 times in 19 months?

If we had zero sexual intimacy out side of those 5 Piv times. Yes.

I assume I’d probably feel like I was used to make the required babies and then that was it.

I even as a women whose birthed multiple babies just cannot grasp not wanting sex basically and if piv was temporary off the cards I’d still want other sexual intimacy, with the aim of Piv coming back but even then there is a limit.

This.

I have a high libido too but I have no issue comprehending that there are certain things that are known and widely discussed in society as potentially causing a long stretch of no libido.

I'm sure I might have passing thoughts that maybe they're just not attracted to me because most would be a bit paranoid but to assume that you were used and to not look at the bigger picture would be quite self-absorbed.

Don't get me wrong, people are fully entitled to leave if they want, but leaving someone over lack of sex in those circumstances doesn't bode well for their future in other relationships either.

19month is long enough to heal and if it isn’t you should be at the doctors trying a long time prior and again I mentioned over sexual intimacy. In case she openly says she doesn’t fancy her partner.

I’ve no problem being the bad guy or women in this case however.

One of my hard lines or deal breakers is lack of sex / sexual intimacy, unless there are medical reasons and you’re trying to solve it and I’ll help how I can.

But if it’s just nah don’t really fancy sex anymore or cnba to see a doctor then that’s cool but I don’t really fancy being in this relationship anymore.

Of course you don’t want sex OP. You are exhausted 💐

I really recommend reading the Liberating Motherhood substack by Zawn Villenes. She did an extensive survey on why women go off sex and why some men do very little to remedy the situation other than expecting their partners to put up with sex that’s unsatisfying or coercive.

i don’t believe there’s a rule book around sex and relationships. I often think that if for some reason my partner could never have sex again - medical, stress, or whatever - I love him and would deal with it, because the rest of the relationship is important enough for me. But that’s me and everyone has different red lines. One hard red line for me though, is that no one should be feeling coerced into having sex they don’t want.

In some cases it is and in others it isn't, perhaps she needed therapy for the emotional trauma following the birth and hasn't been able to go, perhaps her sexual desire may have returned already if she had a loving partner who cherished her, there's no doctor who can make a woman horny for a shitty husband.

Yes she doesn't fancy him, but if he was a loving partner who supported her then she very possibly would.

So to sum up - OP doesn't like her husband, doesn't fancy him, is happy not to share a bed with him, says he doesn't give her enough support and he called her ugly during a fight.

She is happy to refuse to have sex with him ostensibly forever. He wants sex.

Regardless of the reasons you cannot expect someone to stick around paying the bills while a vital chunk of your married life is sealed off to them. Yes, sex is vital in a marriage to me, I'd be devastated if my husband didn't want to have sex with me. Yes, sex is vital in the marriage to her husband.

There have been times we could not have sex over the years because of medical issues (on both sides). So what we did was discuss that and figure out when it would be safe/comfortable again and look forward to that day.

Neither of us reacted with disgust of the other and relief we could say no to sex. That's an unhealthy way to feel about a spouse and shows the marriage has completely broken down.

The disingenousness of those shouting NO SEX FOR HIM FOREVER AND HE CAN JUST PUT UP WITH IT! is clear. They are pretending this is a hiatus, that OP gets that he actually does have a right to want sex and that she acknowledges his right to want sex.

You will note I DID NOT SAY he has a right to force her to have sex or a right to have sex with her so don't lie about that. I am quite clear on bodily autonomy.

But he DOES HAVE a right to want sex wtihin a functioning marriage.

OP is determined (yes, she is, don't be disingenous) not to have sex with him and there is nothing to indicate she wants to discuss that or head towards a healthy, functional sexual relationship where they are both happy.

"I would've left a long time ago really but not sure how I would do it on my own. I think I am just not attracted to him really, ive tried to make it work but I just can't force that anymore."

She wants him to stay to keep paying the bills and maintain the family unit. Sexless. He's not going to agree to that.

Again, the reasons for this situation are not under discussion, not even the reality that he has multiple sclerosis. None of that matters.

What matters is that OP think the solution is "no sex" and her husband disagrees completely.

She's allowed not to want sex with him for any reason or none. He's allowed not to agree with no sex.

So to sum up - OP doesn't like her husband, doesn't fancy him, is happy not to share a bed with him and doesn't want sex with him.

So the marriage is over and it's time for OP to get a job and move on.

It's actually not complicated, not at all.

Why on earth would you homeschool?

You need to send your child to school and your youngest to day care and you need to get back to work.

Your husband has MS and sleeps all the time. If he has time for sex then he has time to contribute.

A relative of mine has MS. She can’t work. She still contributes. She’s gone on experimental drug trials. She takes care of her grandchildren.

It really concerns me that you have chosen not to work. Your husband has a debilitating condition which might make work impossible for him in the future. You need to go back to work.

MS isn’t a condition that kills you. It’s a condition that dies with you. This means that your future with your husband will only get worse.

It seems like your relationship ending won’t be the worst thing in the world. Good luck your husband finding someone who wants to date and have sex with him when he has nothing to offer.

A strong Married relationship though - can accommodate periods without sex and fluctuations. Of course you don't want to if you are feeling exhausted. And if you are exhausted all the time something needs to shift. It's an absolute right not to have sex. There's no right to sex. He might not like it but it won't kill him.
Sounds like the division of labour isn't right but if he's ill that's also very challenging. You need financial.advice around your options if you are considering any changes. Would he qualify for care of any kind?

Also is MS multiple sclerosis? If it is then I think his mood could be affected. My friend who was diagnosed had verbal warnings at work for irritability before being diagnosed.

This is abusive and foul no wonder you dont want sex with the disgusting pig

Ok I haven't read it all but to me you both sound equally unhappy and this isn't just about sex.

One of the few times busy parents get to discuss stuff and emotionally connect is in bed on a night. I'm not talking sex here, I am talking about cuddles, talking about the day and generally sharing.

He doesn't want you in his bed, which removes that opportunity for emotional intimacy and also the potential for build up to a mutual desire for sex. It also sounds like you had a hard pregnancy and some repercussions emotionally from that.

He has MS and he works full time, you (both?) wanted your kids home schooled so you gave up work to do that, plus looking after the kids and the house. That's a 24/7 job and he isn't pulling his weight, his MS is an excuse but its not the answer to why you are bearing the load alone.

He has MS and may not be physically capable of doing more at home, but that also means that changing roles isn't an option, i.e you working and him being at home.

It seems to me that, you have both lost sight of each other, both physically exhausted and emotionally adrift. He wants sex and wonders why you are not interested...and that presumably is because you are too tired and there is no emotional intimacy in the run up.

You are financially cornered if it comes to separation as you can't afford to live as you do without his income.

I think what you do now depends on how you feel about your husband. Don't think about your kids because if you stay with him for the wrong reason, their upbringing will be with parents who are unhappy and it will give them the wrong idea about what relationships are. If you both want to give it a another go, you have some hard talking to do.

There are lots of practical things you can do.

I suggest your kids are not home schooled and that you go back to work at least part time. Yes you are still looking after the kids but you don't have to do all the prep for the home schooling etc. When all the kids are in school you can use those free days for housework and/or some "me" time or swop to a full time roll. Home schooling is good, but if the kids are at school there will be more opportunities for post school activities that do not include you or Dad. You will have an income and if things ultimately go belly up, it won't be too hard a financial or educational wrench for you and the kids to move on.

You get a kingsize bed with two individual sections to fit your needs - not cheap and whilst it doesn't fix the snoring, it stops each of you being affected by movement in the night. You know the type I mean, you can choose to recline separately from your partner or have a different softness, basically two beds joined together type thing.

He needs to go see the GP about his snoring and maybe get a cpap machine if needed. I say this not just to manage the noise but because, people who snore generally do not get the quality of sleep they need which makes them very tired and likely to fall asleep when they get home from work....I speak from experience with my husband and the chance we both saw when he got his cpap. Its a win/win situation. He gets a better quality of sleep so may not be as grumpy and tired and you can sleep and the cpap minimises his snoring.

Get a babysitter and have a night out occasionally, just you and him, date nights. Try rediscover the romance.

I am not sure what the relevance is of your post. We aren’t talking about somebody simply not wanting sex just because.

I also don’t get people where the only difference between housemates and romantic partners is sex.

Personally if a man hitting on me told me he was single because he ditched his wife and baby because birth injuries meant she could barely have sex 5 times in 19 months - I would not go near him.

I would genuinely question the mindset of somebody who wanted to have sex with somebody in this condition.

You are in an ugly abusive relationship with a nasty vile pig.
You need to seek support from a domestic abuse charity.

Coercive sex is rape.
Time to end your marriage.
Tell family and friends the truth.
You need support.

Sorry, but you are using sex to punish him for not being very supportive.
You need to tackle the actual problem , which is lack of support, you need to talk / counselling- and unhitch using sex to address this problem.

Agreed.
It's one thing if a man leaves a sexless marriage when his kids are a bit older, completely different to leave when his wife had a baby 19 months ago and suffered birth injuries. Huge red flag.

How do you make that one out exactly?

Do you understand sexual desire and the concept of mutually fulfilling sex? because it doesn't seem like you do with that kind of comment.

People can lose sexual desire for their partners when they are not supportive, that is unconscious and not a choice, they then don't want to have sex with their partners because they do not get turned on by them. Losing desire for your partner, and not being willing to just let them have sex with your body when you don't want it is not in any way using sex to punish them.

Does he sound like the type of man who would talk or go to counselling? She said he dismisses her concerns, when she rejected sex he said he didn't want to anyway because she's ugly. What kind of positive and proactive conversations do you think she could have with this man? Also counselling is not recommended where there is abuse.

Also what do you mean by unhitch using sex to address this problem, you're essentially seem to be telling her that whether she wants to or not, no matter how vile he is to her that she should be letting him use her body for sex. Absolutely vile.

The third word in that comment is exactly why he is behaving the way he is… ‘rejected’
He is hurt and upset because he is feeling rejected by you and it’s obviously causing some resentment towards you.

You wrote he says you’re manipulative and use sex against him, what does he mean by that, how does he think you do that?

Leave now. Before it gets worse and you can’t. His health will decline and you will
End up caring for him and he will still be abusive but will ramp it up and you will feel you can’t leave and have to put up with it!

divorce is fantastic!

separate and get a job. If he wants ti homeschool he can do it.