AIBU to not want sex with my husband?

[Anonymous23458d]

I need some honest opinions as I’m starting to question myself.

I’ve been with my husband 10 years, we have a 4-year-old and a 19-month-old (traumatic birth with the youngest, 3a tear & severe heammorage). I’m at home full-time with both kids and we’re also trying to get the house ready to sell and move.

My husband says I’ve “trapped him in a sexless marriage” and that I’m turning him into “less of a man” because I don’t want sex. He also says I’m manipulative and using sex against him.

For context, we’ve probably had sex about 5 times since our youngest was born 19 months ago.

From my side:

I’m exhausted most of the time

I don’t feel emotionally supported or connected to him

he’s quite dismissive when I raise concerns

he doesn’t help much unless I constantly ask or delegate

A recent example—after a full day of painting, looking after the kids and going to his mothers, I didn’t want sex that evening and it caused a big argument.

He says he’s been patient and I’m being unfair. I feel like being pressured, criticised, and unsupported makes me want it even less.

AIBU to not want sex in this situation?

Another one of these men with an exhausted wife and damage after childbirth but not making the connection with why she might not want sex so often. Perhaps she might want a cuddle and affection from time to time without penetrative sex happening? Sex does not just = PIV.

Also not wanting sex when you have young kids is nature's contraception so you don't have more when your body is not ready.

No fucking effort = no fucking.

A sexless marriage is classed when there is little to no sex by some definition and by others as less than 10 times a year.

If you want to call you self tee total when you last had a drink 8 months ago or something then knock your selfout.

I don’t think op actually said when they last had sex just that it’s been 5 times in 19 months those five times could of been last month or 18 months ago. At many times in 18 months he could say his marriage was sexless.

Either way she shouldn’t stay in a unhappy marriage for money and he shouldnt stay in a marriage where sex is important for him when it’s obviously not for his partner. They will both ultimately be unhappy.

Oh is that 'all'?
He just doesn't do anything at all that a woman might need to sexually desire her partner, like support her, take things on board etc, that's all.
Calling your partner ugly is designed to hurt to the core and something you'd only say if you are trying to destroy them. That's all.
Silly me and silly OP.

She doesn't like him is happy to sleep without him in another bed and doesn't fancy him.

He doesn't sound like he likes her either. Wanting to have sex with her doesn't mean he likes her.
He also told her he doesn't want to sleep in the same bad as her because she struggles to fall asleep and tosses and turns.
And she doesn't fancy him, but he also called her ugly.....that's not what you'd say to someone you fancy.

But she's lso happy to keep staying with him so long as he provides financially and has not indicated anything at all to the contrary.

He could be just as easily staying for convenience also, after all he doesn't fancy her or want to sleep in the same bed and doesn't like her.

You're the one talking daft, yes if he knows she doesn't want sex he should accept it, doesn't mean he has to stay but he shouldn't be coercive and abusive over it.

A “sexless marriage” is defined as 10x per year (or less).

By whom?

MRAs?

Yes but really the 10 times a year guideline is for other stages in a relationship, many women lose their libidos for quite some time after having a baby, there can be other scenarios where a relationship becomes sexless for a period of time, serious mental health episode, physical health issues etc, and the sex will resume afterwards, it's not the same as a 'sexless marriage' where something big didn't cause it.

Obviously in this case the sex is not going to resume after all of this.

Please stop talking daft and just rambling, it's pointless and boring and you seem genuinely triggered. I just keep repeating facts and off you go again.

Yes, that's "all" - not particularly nice behaviour and nobody needs to put up with anyone they don't want to, but someone who can casually dismiss their husband's multiple sclerosis in a quick sentence barely acknowledging it might make him tired (gosh, really?!) is not someone who is being honest and upfront.

And none of this is actually the big drama you are pretending it to be.

She doesn't fancy him wants separate beds doesn't want sex and doesn't like him. He is bitterly unhappy with her decision to never have sex with him

So that's that, marriage over, time for her to get a paid job and move on. It's just not that complicated.

Well yes dh had surgery that put him out of action for a month for Piv. I wouldn’t of described myself as in a sexless marriage then it was a month and we did other things.

Though ultimately sexless is sexless, the reason for why tends to be the reason the other partner is ok with this rather than wanting it to become a forever thing. The light at the end of the tunnel knowing the dry patch will pass.

The op doesn’t want sex at all with her dh she doesn’t fancy him and would leave by the sounds of it if she could still be financed to be a sahm homeschooler, so it’s going to be a sexless marriage if they stay together which seems bonkers to do.

Five times in a year and a half is not "not at all" in two years.

Particularly given she wouldn't be able to have PIV sex for months after giving birth, with severe birth injuries. And even then it might be absolutely terrifying and traumatic.

You're the one talking daft.
That clearly wasn't rambling, I just took your points and showed you that they also applied to him, while you are committed to trying to make out he's the victim.

It seems like he casually dismissed her traumatic birth and all that that entailed. Again everything you say applies to him.

He doesn't fancy her either, doesn't want to sleep in the same bed and presumably just wants to have sex with her because she's the only option because he certainly doesn't seem to like, love or appreciate her.

Yes it is complicated, get off the poor womans back, she's had a rough time, she posted on here after being abused and will need time to get her thoughts/plans in order.

You're still rambling on and on and on and on and on. And it's...soooo....boring.

Again, she doesn't like him, doesn't fancy him, doesn't want to have sex with him. Again, he doesn't have to accept that.

She can just get a job and end the relationship. Not complicated. Problem 100% sorted.

Yes but treating it like a 'sexless marriage' when it could just be a long dry spell due to verifiable reasons is how people create a permanent sexless marriage.
No good comes out of pressuring a partner for sex before they're ready when they have very valid reasons for not wanting sex.

It does seem bonkers but I don't think OP will stay, she posted here after being abused and called ugly, this situation is going to get even worse so I would imagine that she will find the strength to leave, sooner rather than later hopefully.

This!

And your posts are so exciting and not in any way rambling 😂
Also the height of maturity 😂Get a life.

Again, he doesn't like her, doesn't fancy her, and presumably only wants to have sex with her because she's convenient.

It is complicated, but I hope she does in fact do it.

I think you need to start working on a plan to get back to work so you're able to stand on your own feet if/when the marriage ends.

You say he is abusive and you're not attracted to him but it looks like you're staying because you're financially dependent on him. What happens if he decides that he is fine and leaves? You need to be proactive and start getting ready. Also if you think there's a chance you can both try to work on things eg therapy etc. if you think that boat has sailed then you know what to do.

https://thepleasantrelationship.com/sexless-marriage/

https://shifatherapy.com/blog/sexless-marriage/

https://www.southdenvertherapy.com/blog/understanding-sexless-marriage

Ever heard of Google? It’s great. Hth.

And on and on and on and on and on and on and on....

Again, she doesn't like him, doesn't fancy him, doesn't want to have sex with him. Again, he doesn't have to accept that.

She can just get a job and end the relationship. Not complicated. Problem 100% sorted.

Truly outstanding display of childishness. Take a bow.

I literally could not give a shiny shit what therapists say. Of course they would define a sexless marriage as one where the couple do have sex from time to time. It's in their interests to, so more people read that and think they have a problem then pay for the therapist's services.

Googling still requires you to think and use your brain. Learning critical thinking would help.

And on and on and on and on and...😅😆😂 You're triggered. That's a you problem. Move on.

You asked who defined sexless as 10x. Question answered. I cannot help you if you don’t like the answer to your question. 🤷‍♀️

Learning how to correctly use the word ‘literally’ would also help, yet here we are…

And you yourself are just the epitome of being cool, calm and collected. 😂😂
You need to take a look at yourself and how you tear other women down on the internet, I certainly hope you would never be so nasty to a daughter or young female family member who was being mistreated after having a traumatic birth, making out the husband is the victim and she's awful.

As we're on the on the internet, you have no idea whether my comment is literal.

Op, you need to separate. You're clearly incompatible.

Get the kids into a school, get a job and leave. Live is too short to live in such misery .

And on and on and on and on and on and on and on 😆😅

So anyway, OP doesn't like him doesn't want to have sex with him or share a bed with him so she can now get a job and end the relationship.

All sorted, not complicated. You're welcome.