How much damage have I done to my child by doing this? I feel sick

[10000ak]

DS is 4 in a couple of months. Not yet at school. I am a single parent and usually manage reasonably ok.

Tonight I absolutely lost it. I don’t really remember what started it but I was doing the bath and ds was going mad about his hair being washed, hitting me, then started spitting at me and splashing water out of the bath to me. I stayed calm for a few minutes and tried to get him to stop. He eventually did and then it started up again. I just burst into tears and shouted ‘I hate you’ over and over and he was saying stop mum stop it mum. It was awful. I left the bathroom for a minute or so (no bath water left in tub at this point) and came back and I think he said sorry mum, I don’t really remember, I just rinsed his hair then he got out and he was upset and so was I. I dressed him and said I was going downstairs for a few minutes.

I went back upstairs and gave him a hug and he said I’m sorry mum, I asked him to sit down and I said I was very sorry for shouting, mum should never ever do that and she is sorry and she loves you all the time always and I only said unkind things because I was very tired and I was upset at being hit and splashed but it was wrong of me. He said he was sorry too. We hugged again.

Evening was fine after that. I feel horrendously sick and can’t eat and definitely won’t sleep. I can’t actually believe what I said to him in such a horrible way on repeat. I don’t need anyone to tell me this is wrong, I know it is. How much damage do you think I have done? What else can I do to fix this? I hate myself so much and feel like I’ve completely let myself down as a parent and mother. What a mess.

You've never once lost your temper and shouted? Not once? Even when they were being horrid? Are you a single parent? Are you actually Mary Poppins?

He will not remember this. Promise. If its one of two or three isolated incidents over his whole childhood!

Weve all been there, you probably both learnt from this moment, especially if youve apologised loads and discussed it.

Please dont worry.

(Haven't read through the yhread but please ignore anyone posting to make you feel bad, every one of us has lost it at some point)

Years ago I remember losing it with my youngest. I’d never ever lost my temper with my older two.. My neighbour came to check if everything was ok (out of concern, not being nosey).the most important thing was that I acknowledged it and said sorry. I didn’t try to minimise anything. I took responsibility for everything I screamed and shouted. I stayed abd hugged him for as long as he (we both!) needed.
i hope you’re ok, OP.

I don’t think you will gain anything by talking about it again unless he brings it up. Do you reflect on how you are feeling (I use a %) and recognise when you are near the end of your reserves. When you feel like you are below 10-15% don’t do things that will provoke bad behaviour in DS like bath/washing hair/ long bedtimes. Take the easier path and stop pushing yourself to be a ‘perfect’.
I’m sure many will disagree but I think parenting is a mass of many moments and as long as the majority are on the positive/supportive side then losing your temper occasionally is to be expected and teaches kids about boundaries.
School will be hard if DS has not learned that people (children and adults) will react negatively sometimes.

This x

Say sorry again tomorrow and aim to never do that again.

I end up losing it at bath time. My DS’s bath times were awful for years - he’d go nuts with over tiredness. He has ADHD and just gets so out of control.

If bath time becomes too crazy, switch to a quick shower or bath in the morning or morning shower at weekends instead. Sometimes at night it’s just too much.

If you are kind and patient 95% of the time all should be ok- but do try and manage your language; it can cause harm.

As if to prove my point.

I’ve listened to enough child psychologists to know it’s patterns of behaviour that are the most damaging. You need to think about what is happening every day and try and form a framework where your child feels loved and supported and you feel rested and calm. That’s the stuff that matters, not a rare outburst where you lost your cool after your child had an extended period of poor behaviour.

Bring it up every couple of years just in case he forgets it and moves on?

OP, definitely do not do this. Of all the weird, holier-than-thou takes on here, this is the worst.

You haven't brushed it under the carpet, you've taken it seriously, you've apologised and you've shown love.

I'm sure that you'll also be putting thought into how not to get to that point in future.

You're fine. He's fine. Please ignore anyone trying to give you a complex.

I had a really similar outburst with dd at the same age, I completely lost it and can remember shaking with rage at her.

Im also a single parent.

It’s really bloody hard raising a kid on your own, if you had a partner and you feel yourself loosing it they can step in and give you a break. Theres no break when it’s all on you.

I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing for kids to realise that their mums are only human and if they keep pushing buttons eventually we snap. After my outburst with dd it seemed to reset both of us, she never hit me again and I always walked away if I felt myself getting angry.

She’s 20 now and I don’t think it’s scarred her in anyway.

This!

Please don't keep bringing it up, he will forget it. Just keep telling him you love him
Many years ago my 6DS threw all my new expensive creams in the sink, he smirked when he told me this, I was so upset, it's the first thing I had bought myself in two years. I chased him round our flat, trying to smack him... fortunately he was quick and I think I missed (it was 30 years ago) anyway, it ate away at me for years and was the last time I ever hit my kids . When he was about 20 I was chatting to him about it, apologized to him and said I was so sorry, I had lost control - he didn't remember a thing about it... nothing 🤔

You need help and suspect this wasn't a one off. If you love and care for this child you need to get some help (before you actually do any lasting damage) because what you are describing sounds like a totally hostile reaction to normal kid behaviour.

Bring it up every few years?? Absolutely NOT!

Children that age don’t remember things UNLESS they’re reminded of it repeatedly - and this unpleasant incident is NOT what you want him to remember of his childhood.

If there is something more to it, which seems to be what you suspect then thats different, and maybe more than just advice on how to handle bad behaviour better IS needed, but we really don’t know that.

It’s ironic because you say other posters have skin in the game but you are explicitly projecting from your own childhood and there is no evidence that the situations are comparable.

@10000ak Don’t bring it up again unless he talks about it - others have given you good advice about what to say if he does (and I think going in to his room and giving him a nice cuddle will help you sleep tonight).

CALMLY emptying the bath if it happens again is probably a wise thing to do as well - no fuss, just “OK that’s it, bath over” (preferably preceded by a warning if you can do that without losing it yourself!)

And if you feel you’re not coping generally then maybe you might need to work something else out - but not in the form of repeated apologies to your DS. That’s not what he needs from you.

Dont worry too much: as a one-off it’s horrible but probably worse for you than for him.

Try not to give yourself such a hard time. Clearly you are remorseful and you are only human. My little human has pushed me to the absolute limit on occasion too, and I’ve not been proud of my response.

Tonight you also taught your son the right way to respond after saying something we don’t mean. You may have had a bad response during bathtime but you also role modelled a good response and repaired and reconnected.

Perhaps at bedtimes and over the next few days, make a point of saying mummy loves you no matter what. It will soon be old news. As others have said, I’m sure you will be giving it way more thought than him. X

He will be fine but remind him again tomorrow that you didn't mean it and were overwrought .

How many times every day have you told him you love him? That's what he is living with and what he'll remember. Channel your guilt into working out what pushed you over the edge and how you can prevent yourself getting so frustrated in future. Plan how you will react when things get fraught.

No, I've never once lost my temper and shouted. Not even once. Not even when they were being horrid. Not a single parent. And not Mary Poppins!

My now 14yo pushed my patience beyond the limit a few times at age. I remember screaming at her to shut up in the car once. She's fine and we've had a good relationship since she got through that phase. My younger DS didn't push my buttons quite so badly so she definitely got the worst of me but we've all come out the other end absolutely fine.

Some things can't be unsaid. I don't believe that finding out your parents have limits is damaging to a child but having your mother repeatedly screaming that she hates you when you're 4, that's bad.

If the rest of your relationship is good it won't necessarily do him any lasting damage but I doubt he'll ever forget it. All you can do now is try to mend the relationship.

This - it's one thing losing it at your child but to say you hate them? I'm sorry but that is deeply cruel. I suspect there's much more to this story - this woman clearly needs help.

I really don’t see what’s wrong in saying once I lost my temper when you were in the bath or whatever when talking about emotional regulation, which is one of those things that comes up a lot when we are raising our children,

I find it quite staggering how sure so many people are on here that this won’t stay with him. But also there is no accounting for other peoples parenting standards and I can’t be arsed to argue about it.

I agree that repeated apologies are not the way to go here. It’s not your son’s job to make you feel better about what happened and this is what over-apologising would make it. I would mention the incident once more tomorrow and apologise again very clearly, and then leave it and instead focus on being loving with him,

I would also think hard about what led to what happened and how you can avoid it happening again- ways to reduce your stress and tiredness or other parenting strategies when he is misbehaving. Some time to yourself would probably help if there is a way you could get some childcare for a few hours a week. If it feels a bigger thing than that I’d mention it to your GP.

Agree with PP who said that this doesn’t sound like an ordinary, “we’ve all been there”
kind of event. But equally it doesn’t follow that you have permanently harmed your son. The key is how you act from now on.

The Philippa Perry book (the book you wish your parents had read…) is very good on how certain behaviour in our children can trigger rage, and how it usually reflects whatever behaviour it was in you that also triggered your parents into a rageful overreaction. Some awareness of what these triggers are for you might help.

Op, a terrible mum would've defending this.
beating yourself up about it won't help.
youre right, this may impact your son as he is learning new things all the time. He has learned that there are times that his mum can get overwhelmed and hurt his feelings. He has also learned that his mum apologises and tries to make things right. Tomorrow have a chat with him - look up Dani's Siegel 'flipping your lid' and say it can happen to mum's too. tell him you don't want that tl happen again and in no way is it his fault or responsibility. Tell him it's your responsibility so you are going to do things like breathing exercises etc.
he probably will be scared that his mum can 'lose it' now because he's seen you can, make sure he knows it's not his responsibility to avoid that but yours.
itll be ok, your response now is what matters. The way you're feeling now shows you're not a bad mum you're an overwhelmed mum

Losing your temper and shouting, is one thing, and is a thing most parents have done at one time or another. But to say, 'i hate you', over and over to your little boy when he is distressed and begging you to stop, is something else. This is not at all normal. I say this , not flippantly, but very seriously, you need help.