How much damage have I done to my child by doing this? I feel sick

[10000ak]

DS is 4 in a couple of months. Not yet at school. I am a single parent and usually manage reasonably ok.

Tonight I absolutely lost it. I don’t really remember what started it but I was doing the bath and ds was going mad about his hair being washed, hitting me, then started spitting at me and splashing water out of the bath to me. I stayed calm for a few minutes and tried to get him to stop. He eventually did and then it started up again. I just burst into tears and shouted ‘I hate you’ over and over and he was saying stop mum stop it mum. It was awful. I left the bathroom for a minute or so (no bath water left in tub at this point) and came back and I think he said sorry mum, I don’t really remember, I just rinsed his hair then he got out and he was upset and so was I. I dressed him and said I was going downstairs for a few minutes.

I went back upstairs and gave him a hug and he said I’m sorry mum, I asked him to sit down and I said I was very sorry for shouting, mum should never ever do that and she is sorry and she loves you all the time always and I only said unkind things because I was very tired and I was upset at being hit and splashed but it was wrong of me. He said he was sorry too. We hugged again.

Evening was fine after that. I feel horrendously sick and can’t eat and definitely won’t sleep. I can’t actually believe what I said to him in such a horrible way on repeat. I don’t need anyone to tell me this is wrong, I know it is. How much damage do you think I have done? What else can I do to fix this? I hate myself so much and feel like I’ve completely let myself down as a parent and mother. What a mess.

You haven’t damaged him. You lost the plot for a few minutes or less than that. Mums deal with things all the time I was a single parent & you do see red on occasion. You said sorry you will worry about it more than he will. Maybe a chat tomorrow to say you were very tired & got cross. It’s the behaviour you hated not him most Mums have gone through something similar I’m guessing. Don’t beat yourself up it was a moment not a huge thing.

I think you should crawl into bed with him for the night. Your actions (of sleeping with him) will make him feel safer and loved even if your words didn’t say so, even though you didn’t mean it. I’m sure he’ll be fine but you need to sit down and have an honest conversation tomorrow with him

I did this on occasion with my daughter. I can’t even repeat something I once said to her for the shame. She is now a well adjusted adult and we are very close. It did her no harm whatsoever. I do think the apology is important - which you have done - it doesn’t do a child any harm to know that we all have our limits.

Children that age don't remember things UNLESS they're reminded of it repeatedly

This isn't true. Myy father said something equally cruel to me age 4 and I've never forgotten it. I'm sure he forgot it almost instantly because he was in a bad temper and didn't mean it but I remember it precisely because it was so hurtful and unexpected.

That said, the relationship between myself and my father was never particularly good so it likely had more effect on me than my mother saying the same thing would have as she proved she loved me every day.

It is not your finest moment but he was behaving very badly, aggressive and angry. SN or not boys need a firm grip when they’re lashing out even at 4.
Apologise move on and ask him for an apology too, even if hair washing is a big deal. Use a sponge.

Actions have consequences and hopefully he'll realise that now 🙂

We've all lost it at some point. Don't worry ❤️

I'm reassured by the comments I've read (not got time to read all) but disappointed for you about the voting statistics. I don't think those numbers reflect what your impact on him will be. I was hoping to see 90%+ supporting you. Try not to beat yourself up. He might actually take from this that spitting and splashing etc made you feel really rubbish. You are right to immediately undo the I hate you message but it may be a good lesson for him to know how his behaviour made you feel. I'd not bring that incident up unless he does and going forward take all reasonable opportunities to say things like that was nice of you/I'm so proud of you - but only when believable, so the praise maintains it's value and impact. I hope you sleep well.

The consequences of being naughty should never be your mum telling you she hates you.

OP you did the right thing in the end. You apologised and explained what caused you to say those things- that you did not mean.

Give yourself a break. I can't imagine how hard it is being a single mum. You've learned a lesson.

If I were you, I would be extra nice to your DS over the next few days - give him your time, play with him, cook his favourite dinner etc.

There are some lovely prints on etsy that say things like 'you are so loved'. You could hang it next to his bed so he sees it when he goes to sleep. Or make him a print or just write it down somewhere he can see. I know mumsnet will deem that as OTT but I, like you, would want to do everything to reassure him.

Ah you poor thing.
parenting is so tough sometimes, especially at the end of the day.

I would absolutely talk to him about it tomorrow morning and just let him know you didn’t mean what you said, you got cross and fussy when you were tired and that you love him very much. Thankfully their memories don’t solidify for another while yet 🤣.
you’re doing a great job

The main thing is you apologised and told him it wasn’t true. You lost your temper and said stuff you didn’t mean. If you just went silent and didn’t explain and put it right it would be awful, but you did so I think let it go now as you’ve done best you can and it won’t help him to revisit it.

(((HUG)))

You know it was a horrible thing to say, you've apologised, you've told him it was wrong & that you love him.

i bet he's fast asleep, whilst you're fretting.

I'm 57, my Mum still worries & feels bad about something she did when I was 4. I have NO recollection of it 💁🏻‍♀️. Apparently it made me cry at the time & say I wanted my Nana.

id just see what he's like tomorrow, try to fit in lots of 'my best boy' type comments & spend time cuddling/reading/okayung, without being too OTT/obvious.

stop beating yourself up, he was playing up
& needed telling off- just use different words next time 🤗

OP give yourself a break. Being a parent is hard - even harder when youre doing it alone.

You are not the first and wont be the last.

You apologised and know it was wrong. The fact youre even here writing this shows you are a great mum.

Its a hard age. DS is 3.5 so I feel you. When things get too much for me I take myself off to the bathroom and just have a moment (usually scream into my hands!) and come back.

Wouldn't life be wonderful if we were perfect and able to deal with everything all of the time.
But we arent. We are mearly humans doing our best at the hardest job in the world.

Get yourself to bed ( not sleeping will make this even worse) get up tomorrow make him a nice breakfast and plan some time together just you and him playing something he likes.

I don't understand why you shouted that you hate him.

I've certainly lost my temper with my children and shouted at them, but it's always been along the lines of 'stop doing x' or 'how dare you do x'. It's never once entered my head to tell my children that I hate them.

I think it could definitely be something that causes long term insecurities in your child. You've basically told him that you don't love him. It's actually even worse than that because you actively hate him. When you say something like that to a child, it's something that's going to be harmful.

I just don't get it.

Wow. Well then you officially win the parent Lifetime achievement award.

It won’t stay with him because children under five don’t remember things unless they’re reminded of them regularly: that's how small children’s memory formation works.

And I don’t see why you’d want to remind the child of that particular incident - that would be pointless and likely counterproductive. And I’m sure there are less emotionally charged examples that she could use if she needs one.

But FWIW saying “Once I lost my temper with you” doesn’t sound like your previous suggestion which was to bring it up every few years, in which case “Once…” wouldn’t be needed - it would be “Remember that time when…”

Love a bit of sanctimony on a Tuesday evening.

My mum was a single (widowed) mother, we have an incredibly close bond and she is the kindest person ever….but even she reached her limit once or twice when I was younger! She once infamously tipped a glass of water over me when I wouldn’t stop crying and coming downstairs because I couldn’t get to sleep. It sounds terrible but please trust me that we actually laugh about it these days ! As a parent myself now I sympathise even more that she was just at her limit, and more importantly was dealing with everything on her own. Being a single parent is so hard sometimes no matter what the reasons, you can’t just tap out when things get rough.

just to add my mum would lose her temper a lot but because she never apologised or explained (just ignored it) I think it did far more damage. The lesson you’re showing is even mummy makes mistakes (occasionally) and it’s v important we own our mistakes and put them right. Make a point of telling him how much you love him over next few days and if he does bring it up just do the explaining, apologising etc again so he knows it was a one off mistake.

A wise person once reassured me that one isolated incident will do no lasting harm if repair is made; it’s repeated patterns of incidents with no repair that cause damage.

You will have scared him and made him sad in the moment, but you very quickly repaired, and did it really well! As long as it doesn’t happen again - you will know to remove yourself sooner next time - and you reinforce your unconditional love for him often, all will be well.

I’d be inclined to draw him a little picture of you both together and put a reassuring message in that he can keep eg “you are my favourite person” or “mummy loves you forever”…

OP I can see some posters are really loving putting the boot in, and I hate the thought that you might be somewhere having some really poor mental health over this.

You are the most important person in your child’s life and they need you well. That’s the biggest gift you can give them. Mummy happy and healthy and functioning! Even the people on here that think they are perfect will be fucking their kids up in a whole other way, they just don’t know it yet. Parents will always screw up along the way and often you won’t find out until the kids are adults, and they’ll spin an absolutely ‘nothing event’ round to make you look like the villain and nothing will change their account of it.

Life will chuck adverse childhood events at your children, and whilst you can actively insulate them from much of it, the unexpected stuff like bereavements, illness, even pandemics are out of our control. We are all on a parenting journey and you hit a pothole. Forgive yourself. Mitigate against it happening again by looking after yourself, and if you really feel like you need to do something proactive to help yourself further think about an online parenting course. I’ve done a few and they were useful. They are usually available through your local family support worker.

Every time you see a perfect parent who is always prepared, and perfect, and insta ready, and making it all look like a breeze. PLEASE UNDERSTAND.

It is a fucking jungle. We are all just trying to survive.

You are fine. Your son is fine. Don’t punish yourself. It’s hard enough as it is .

He won't have any real concept of what hate is. You have apologised for shouting and being unkind and your little boy will take that at face value. He won't think you hate him. If it's not a pattern of repeated behaviour from you, he will move on from it. If somehow he does remember it, then you can apologise again and keep communicating with him. I imagine you've got constant nausea and you will probably always feel guilty about it and that's what should prevent it from happening again. I think we've all reacted to our children in a way we wish we hadn't.

My mum, in a highly stressed moment (she was a single parent with A LOT going on) said a horrible thing to me and slapped me round the face, when I was being difficult. Every other interaction with my mum was overwhelmingly loving and supportive and although I haven’t forgotten it, it also had no bearing on my overall relationship with her. I think it’s the ‘scaffolding’ of the relationship that counts and one or two times it wobbles wont matter overall. 💐

You were wrong to react like that, but show me a Mom who hasn't blown their top at one time or another? You Apologised, explained why you said what you did and he will have accepted that. Over the next few days, be extra loving and give lots of cuddles so he feels loved. He won't hold it against you I'm sure
😘