AIBU to think “he’s in a better place” was inappropriate?

[Homer2]

Does anyone think this is an ok thing to say to someone? I’m baffled as to why she would’ve said it. Someone has just come back to work after compassionate leave because they just lost their dad, and my colleague said to them “he’s in a better place for sure” HUH? I really think thats an insensitive thing to say

Yes I agree.

Unfortunately it's a relatively common thing for people to say. I think it's to do with people being so awkward about dealing with death and they struggle to find an appropriate thing to say. I think they mean it as comfort but it's not.

I think it is an old expression often used because years ago most people were Christians and believed in life in heaven. It can also be reassuring if the deceased person was suffering either mentally or physically.

But unless you are speaking to a Christian,I generally agree it is not sensitive.

It’s one of the many commonly used phrases when someone dies that don’t make much sense in terms of bringing comfort. I wouldn’t hold it against someone who said it, because at least they’ve made the effort to say something. Plenty of people are too afraid to say anything, and that in my experience was much worse. When I’ve been bereaved I preferred people saying the wrong thing than saying nothing at all.

It’s incredibly insensitive, and the presumption that you must be Christian is just ignorant.

I would never say that because I'm an atheist but for people with faith they probably really mean it and for them it's very comforting.

I think it's hard to get it right because everyone has different opinions about what is the right thing to say. For example I dislike 'passed away' and despise 'passed' and other euphemisms so always say 'died' but I know some people think it's is too harsh. Pretty much anything sone people do around death other people will find distasteful for one reason or another.

It's just one of those things people say (and don't think much of it), so although I might not like it, I wouldn't read too much into it.

YANBU.

Although it's marginally better than 'They had a good innings'.

I remember my mum angrily replying, "My sister never played cricket in her life!"

I don't think there's that presumption. But I would assume that the person that said it is, and believes it

I wouldn't take offense at what's a relatively common phrase and is an attempt to be comforting.

People come out with all sorts of banal remarks when there's a bereavement because they feel awkward and don't know what to say, so they fall back on old cliches, having never really thought about what they actually mean

Yes I do think it's not a good thing to say
My dad died of cancer younger that he should
My friend said it. I didn't like it but I also knew she didn't mean it from a bad place either so sometimes you kind of accept people say things

It's not something I'd say to someone else, especially if I didn't know them/ their religious views well, but as a Christian I personally would find this comforting because I do believe in heaven and that people are in a better and more peaceful place after death where I'll see them again eventually. So if someone said that to me I would welcome it and it wouldn't cause offence. The problem is that it's making presumptions about your own views and therefore very easy to miss the mark when talking about something as emotive as loss and bereavement.

I think ultimately people are often very uncomfortable with the concept of death and find it hard to know what to say so I think sometimes you need to take things in the spirit they're meant rather than the words themselves if that makes sense.

Some people struggle and don’t know what to say and feel obliged to say something/anything and might have heard others use the phrase in the past.

In my view it’s more helpful than simply ignoring the bereaved person, or making it about them and the time their pet died or similar, which happens quite a lot. 😳

I think the recipient shouldn’t focus on the words or phrase used but just accept that the colleague is trying to acknowledge the loss.

My Christian friend said “I’m just thinking of X in heaven, doing ABC with Y and having the best time”, which I did not find offensive at all. That’s her comforting belief, and it’s harmless.

But if she’d told me X was in a better place (she would never do that) I’d have been mightily pissed off. X was an atheist like me, so there’s no way dead was better than alive (except in comparison with his last few days).

It’s just a turn of phrase. I wouldn’t think twice about it.

It’s one of those sayings that really does offend me Op, so I can understand why it grated on you.

When my lovely dad died, my SIL, a committed , some might say bigoted, Christian, said this to me. I will say I did not react well.

I agree with pp that people are uncomfortable, and they trot out any old shite that sounds vaguely suitable, without thinking how it lands.

It all depends on circumstance. If the person saying it, or the recipient, has a faith (let's not just limit this to Christians, please), then it is fine. If the person who died had had a slow and painful death (such as a terminal illness), I think it is fine too as I see the phrase as akin to their suffering is over. Anything else, it's a bit weird, but people often just don't know what to say other because nothing sounds quite right for someone's grief, and it is very easy to sound insincere.

I think it's ok if they have suffered, not particularly ok if it was quick surprise death. I don't believe, but I don't see anything wrong woth it. Like bless you.

I understand it’s a very personal thing, but for me I would prefer someone to not say anything at all, than to say this. My colleague ignored her so not sure how they took it

It's one of the thoughtless little phrases that people say to bereaved people.

My rule of thumb is to acknowledge that it's an awful thing to happen and that I care for the person I'm talking to. This varies in delivery depending on who they are, how I know them and who has died. Sometimes: "It's so shit. I love you. I don't know what to say." then a hug.

When people said to my Nan about my Grandad's death "at least he was at home" she would fume because it was a really traumatic experience and he wasn't peaceful or in bed. The cliches around him being in the next room or them meeting in heaven would also enrage this sweet little woman because he was gone and she was devastated and didn't want any make believe to soften the blow.

When a friend lost her mum in our 20s I knew I didn't have the lived experience of that kind of grief so I just said the truth "It's shit. She was lovely. You are an amazing person and she's a big part of why you're caring and creative and a great friend."

I agree with the poster above that sometimes it's best just to acknowledge how shit it is.

When I was a teenager I found out my neighbour was dying, and when I saw his wife outside I said, "I was sorry to hear about Alf, he's so nice, it's really shit that he's going to die!" My mum looked like she was going to blast me into space for speaking so inappropriately. (I was definitely too young to swear in front of adults) But the neighbour seemed to really appreciate it. She kept repeating it, "yep, you've hit the nail on the head, it's shit. Alf's dying and it's really, really shit." She was not the kind of lady who would usually say shit in polite company.

I like to think I helped her in some tiny way, everyone else was whispering about him being "peaceful" and " going to be with the angels". 15 year old me expressed it bluntly but honestly. I try to be a little more sensitive nowadays but sometimes the truth is what people want to hear.

I used to hate 'im sorry for your loss' - he's not lost, he's not just popped out and forgotten the time, he's died.

See also 'passed'. 'In a better place' is just awful. I can almost bear the sentiment that his suffering is over, but his place is with us. Not a 'better' place.

He's died.

I increasingly find "God only takes the best" or "the good die young" very annoying. Does that mean that those of us who are alive are not worthy? I know it's only a saying, but Im menopausal.

I ended up working from home longer than planned after my mum died because just a ‘how are you’ could have me in tears.

If someone had told me she was in a better place I’d have been utterly disgusted with them.

Some people don’t know how to react to the recently bereaved. When my df died I didn’t care what anyone said. Genuinely saying something, anything, to acknowledge the loss was enough for me. Even something I used to think was the Horrible and Insensitive “good innings” was fine because he did live to a good age.

It means that they're free of pain and responsibility and are no longer needing to worry about the state of this planet which is frankly pretty depressing and scary.

So no I wouldn't find it offensive at all.