AIBU to think “he’s in a better place” was inappropriate?

[Homer2]

Does anyone think this is an ok thing to say to someone? I’m baffled as to why she would’ve said it. Someone has just come back to work after compassionate leave because they just lost their dad, and my colleague said to them “he’s in a better place for sure” HUH? I really think thats an insensitive thing to say

Well, she kind of did say something really🤔

It is insensitive, I am a Christian and I still think it is insensitive (from post above talking about heaven - yes years ago some people said this). How about the poor people on Earth wishing they were still here, happy and healthy etc.

If someone has lived a long life there will be many memories for people to miss, if they went before their time there will feel a sense of injustice. If there is an element of guilt (as in I didnt do this or that / I should have done this and that), this can add extra weight to a sad and sensitive time.

A lot of people don’t know how to handle death, and when they fist experience grieving it can be well into their 40’s / 50’s +. Even after this some people still handle differently than others. I tend to suggest to anyone if they ask advice, to just say “I am so sorry”, and leave the person time to speak should they wish to. If you do talk to them, please avoid talking about your own grief for someone from years ago, this is something to discuss at a further time. At such a sensitive time people need to have space and time to speak, leaving silence for them to muster up the words is fine, don’t try to fill the void.

Whatever they say, treat as in confidence and don’t go round rattling what you heard to people.

People do this all the time. Same as 'everything happens for a reason' they're too thick to think for themselves so just regurgitate these phrases without thinking.

It's an old fashioned expression that used to be more common but it's not something I would say. I just don't get this "people don't know what to say to the bereaved" business. I've never had any problems saying to someone "I'm so terribly sorry to hear about your dad/mum/husband". That is all that's needed and maybe a hug or a hand on their arm if you feel appropriate. Surely this isn't beyond the reach or imagination of most regulated adults?

As a Christian I (personally speaking) really don't look at it like this. I certainly wouldn't be thinking about evangelising at a wake I'd be looking at the person in front of me and thinking that it must be really hard for them right now and how can I respond to that in the best way for them.

If you're taking that opportunity for 'spreading the good word' then I'd actually class that as quite extremist and lacking in compassion to be honest and I don't personally know many Christians who would do that.

If they say something relating to heaven its because they see heaven as concrete fact or because that is what would bring THEM comfort to hear (because often people instinctively give the responses they'd want to receive) as opposed to because they actively want to impress that view on someone else. Often its an automatic phrasing from your own values rather than a conscious preaching with a view to convert. The only time I've seen that happen is where the person who's passed has explicitly requested the funeral be used as a means to spread the word of God, which is very different and even then is usually done by the speakers in the church/Chapel as opposed to just in passing.

You are getting outraged at a conversation you weren't even part of.... this is something someone else said to a different someone else.

My dad died a year and a half ago... And no ... The better place was not here..... He was glad to go and the day before he died he even complained it was taking too long.

He had lung cancer, his body tried to protect vital parts getting oxygen so didn't let his legs have much and he lost his strength, then fell and broke his neck and was confined to a bed for the rest of his time with us. He was miserable and just wanted to join Mum who had passed away 6 years previously.

I love my dad dearly, but he is definitely in a better place. But then in my family we all deal with things with Humour.... So a comment about being in a better place would be met with "what? Down the pub?" Or something.

I'm agog that someone has said something they believe to be kind, and certainly meant it in a kind way, and this becomes somehow offensive and a debate about 'religious claptrap'.

I have known grief and loss and let me tell you the thing that hurts the most is when people don't acknowledge it at all and carry on like nothing has happened when your world has been shattered. Let's all stop being so easily offended and let people 'be kind' seeing as we're all so quick to bleat out that slogan!

But there’s never going to be a one size fits all answer. When my mum died the very last thing I needed was for work colleagues to comment. Yes, they were being kind, but they still set me off crying again.

Yes it's hard to get it right @EmpressaurusKitty I was probably both often the same time, upset if someone didn't say something but also dreading if they did. It depends on the moment and your mood and what kind of way your head it at. Sometimes people piss you off no matter what they say or do. But on some level you know even then that it's your issue not theirs.

What is the right thing to say? I usually say "I'm sorry for your loss" is that acceptable?

Most people have no idea how to deal with death or grief sadly. I’ve heard the lot when my mum died.

Absolutely. You can appreciate that someone’s trying to be kind while still wishing they wouldn’t.

Maybe that person knows them better and knows their dad suffered a lot towards the end? If so, not a bad thing to say at all. No one wants their family and friends to suffer

Yes I think this is an insensitive thing to say to someone who's newly bereaved. Along with 'He/she had a good innings'. I had a friend who used to say this every time they heard that someone had died even when the person was only 68 years old!. Used to really annoy me.

“Baffled as to why they said it”? They said it because it’s a common stock phrase when someone has died, and no one ever knows what to say to a bereaved person, so they fall back on stock phrases. It’s supposed to provide comfort at the idea the person has, well, “gone to a better place”, for people who believe in that sort of thing. Especially if the deceased person had been suffering a while. Personally I am an atheist, so I do not believe that, but if someone offers me words they intended as comforting, I try to accept them in the spirit in which they were given.

I've seen another thread like this recently and although I can't imagine much if anything of what's been mentioned would offend or annoy me (well perhaps invasive questions about my personal or financial situation after a death of someone close but maybe not even then, it would depend on context as I've definitely been asked these sorts of questions), it's helped me make up my mind to not say anything, especially to people who are just acquaintances. I really don't think there is any safe thing to say. Possibly if someone I know dies and I'm close to a relative or friend of theirs I might say something (if I'm confident I know them well enough). Gosh, what a minefield!

And what is this " better place?

I have said this & have no religious faith. I say it if the person was really suffering such as in pain with cancer or with dementia. I also add they are not in pain now.

I hate this new thing from America 'unalived' instead of dead.

I don’t think ‘unalived’ as a euphemism for died is an American thing. It’s used on SM to bypass censorship filters. But I hate it too.

I think sometimes we can't win. If we say something we think kind, people take offence for it being the wrong thing to say. If we say nothing, then people take offence for that! If someone of a completely different faith from ourselves used their expression of condolence, we would not take offence, but would surely be touched by the kindness with which it was meant.

Unalived is a euphemism for taking ones own life isn't it ?

It's a euphemism for any form of death, chosen to let your post passed the social media filters.

I don't think it's inappropriate. It might not fit with the bereaved person's view of death - if they don't believe in an afterlife - but it's a kindly-meant cliche. Better than not acknowledging the bereavement at all. There's only so much you can say if you're not close to the bereaved.

All the bereavement cliches essentially mean the same thing: 'I don't have anything meaningful to say but I want to acknowledge your loss and for you to know I've thought of you, even if not very deeply or for very long.'

I lost a very close relative recently and this is how I would interpret the statement and probably said it myself about them.

If you feel that someone is being offensive to you at a time of deep loss then you need to rethink your relationship with them. Otherwise, just take it as words of comfort meaning that they are free from the shackles of life.