AIBU to think “he’s in a better place” was inappropriate?

[Homer2]

Does anyone think this is an ok thing to say to someone? I’m baffled as to why she would’ve said it. Someone has just come back to work after compassionate leave because they just lost their dad, and my colleague said to them “he’s in a better place for sure” HUH? I really think thats an insensitive thing to say

Yes, but if someone dies then they are missing from your life so I think that’s quite “safe”. I’m with you on “passed way” or “passed on” though. Can’t stand the euphemisms but there again, if that’s how people want to speak, it’s not up to me to police it.

Everyone deals with and talks about death in very different ways and no way is more correct than another.

My dad died when I was a teenager and someone said "I hear you've lost your father".
I replied "No I haven't, I know exactly where he is" and pointed towards the cemetery...

Most Christians also believe in judgement, hell and the devil. So there’s a sporting chance that he’s very much not in a better place. He might have been weighed in the balances and found wanting.

That comment would upset me OP. I'm sure my dad would have preferred to be with family still rather than in his grave. I imagine people saying this are religious are have some idea of head in their heads not the finality of actual death.

Why attempt to comfort someone by telling them something of which you have no proof whatsoever?

Why have we suddenly had a rash of people wanting to be offended on behalf of other people's grief?

It's something that's been said for a very long time, if it comes from someone who believes it, it's well meaning. The most important thing is that people say "something". What did you say OP, that was so spot on?

I think it depends.

A lot of my colleagues knew that my dad's life was horrendous in the last few years, with severe late stage dementia. By the end he was doubly incontinent, etc etc.

So even if he is nowhere, he is in a "better place". Colleagues would have known this and so it was an entirely appropriate form of comfort to give me (and many did).

If someone died suddenly after living a perfectly happy life, it's very different.

So I agree it shouldn't be a catch-all. But it's perfect for some circumstances.

I’m very anti religion. Despise it. This wouldn’t bother me as it’s an old saying and they mean well

I don't think most Christians do believe in a literal Hell you can be sent to after death, these days. I can't think of any of my aquaintance who believe in this. I'm sure some do, but it certainly isn't a given.

Same could be said about most comfort phrases tbf. "it will pass", "it will get better" and so on

I had this after my Mum died.

My response was "No she's not, she's in a plastic urn sat in my garage. It's cold, damp and the view isn't great. She'd probably be quite annoyed about it to be honest."

The woman in question kind of kept her distance from me after that, which wasn't unappreciated.

what to say then if you dont like that?

i mean it sounds very apt if he was suffering.

agree @Scruffysquirrels

i wasnt aware it had religious connotations

If it's a better place then let's all not bother with any medical care and speed on the joyous day!!

I agree it is a crass thing to say - thankfully no-one said this to me when my OH died. My SisIL did say: I don't know why you are burying him (her brother) - I'm going to be cremated. This was said at the graveside - I have not bothered to contact her since ......

I grew up in a religious society, where this was said regularly as a consolation. I'm an atheist now, but when said to me after my father died I took no offense. I recognized the good intention behind it

Similarly, people said "he's looking down on us now", which I didn't believe, but accepted as an attempt to console.

I could only ever understand this being said from someone religious, to another religious person.

We are a small team of 5 and are all quite close, go out together frequently etc so we know each other quite well to know that none of us are religious. Our colleagues dad died very suddenly, he logged onto work and had a heart attack and died, just like that. No prior known illness or anything, and he was only in his 50s. I really think that people should think before speaking. I am not offended by the comment because it wasn’t said to me, I am just baffled by why it would be said. Especially in this context. If someone said this to me, yes I would be offended. I wouldn’t care if the person who said it believed it, I think that as a general rule people should think how their words might affect other people before opening their mouths.

I might believe that my grief of losing my dog is comparable to someone losing their loved one. But I wouldn’t say that to them because I’m aware it could be offensive even if I mean well. We have brains, and we should use them before speaking in sensitive situations.

If someone tried to tell me that my husband/mum/dad/sister was better off in the morgue or in the ground than at home with their family, enjoying their life with years ahead of them, I would find it hard to not be offended by that.

People say that kind of thing so much. Someone said to me “he was a good age” but I don’t think 75 is particularly old to die, especially as the person saying it is 64 so I felt like saying “so you’d be happy with having 11 more years and that’s your lot would you?!”. Folk just say something for something to say I think.

An elderly cousin died the other day. He had suffered with dementia, which both DP and I have experienced with parents. We considered whether it was too soon to allude in the sympathy card to the release from suffering. In the end we settled on a straightforward “we were so sorry to hear about X’s passing” — I would have preferred “death” but in the end it’s the thought that counts. Grief manifests itself in many different ways and it is generally better to err on the side of caution which is why we have these stock phrases.

How about “he’s at peace now”? Is that offensive?

I think it’s meant with the best intentions. It also obviously depends on the circumstances in which the deceased passed away. If they were terminally ill and suffering in pain for some time then it’s an understandable phrase to use.

I wouldn't be offended by this, at least it shows they want to give you their condolences and a lot of the time the person's suffering ends, I think it's far worse when people avoid you, don't speak and your left feeling more alone

To be honest if someone got offended by my attempt at comforting them, given that it would be coming from a good place, my response would be

'Fuck you then, everyone's parents die eventually, we all have to go through it, and we all have our own shit to deal with. You clearly felt well enough to come back to work so maybe crack on and stop wallowing?'

But I am feeling very grumpy today.

I think people don't know what to say. It's silly but not nasty.