AIBU to think “he’s in a better place” was inappropriate?

[Homer2]

Does anyone think this is an ok thing to say to someone? I’m baffled as to why she would’ve said it. Someone has just come back to work after compassionate leave because they just lost their dad, and my colleague said to them “he’s in a better place for sure” HUH? I really think thats an insensitive thing to say

For a Christian, it's probably true - but you can't know that the person you're speaking to will agree.
There are many things we might think when someone dies (that it's a relief, or that it's not the worst thing that could happen), but most of us have the sense not to voice them to the bereaved. I try to take my cue from the spouse/close family.

I agree. I really cannot bring myself to use these euphemisms. A good friend of mine has recently died, but when sharing the news among our group, everyone said "died", so I think we tend to gravitate to people who have similar language to us.

"Well, life goes on", said to me by a friend of my DH as he left following a visit to DH who was actively dying (in the last days of his life).

I still remember being utterly gobsmacked, but it was just a turn of phrase - he was a good friend to DH, and has continued to be a friend to me.

I am atheist and in Ireland and if I was to say 'well thats a revolting thing to say considering the deceased would be better still walking around not dead and buried under soil' I would be classed as rude yet religious people think nothing of saying shite like that cos they believe it or have been brainwashed at least into believing it. I find it personally offensive but apparently my view insults religious people who apparently are more worthy of sensitivity.

Better to say nothing or say the wrong thing?

Cut the person some slack. The intention was kind.

I’m also an atheist in Ireland. You can say whatever you like, and I certainly don’t bustle about issuing platitudes about the dead ‘being in a better place’, and would be unimpressed if someone said that to me when I was grieving, but surely the point is that unless you’re sure you’re aware of the bereaved person’s beliefs about the afterlife it’s cruel and unnecessary to undermine them when they’re newly bereaved, just on the grounds of good manners?

Definitely not appropriate to say although itnl is common sadly. Its hard dealing with grieving people and knowing what to say so I try and give people grace.

When my 2 year old died someone said 'everything happens for a reason'

It just means he has gone to heaven because he was a decent good man. Don’t overthink it. It was meant well.

Even an I’m sorry for your loss is offensive to some people. Yet you’d be rude to say sorry I heard that your mother is dead.
It’s even ruder to say nothing, which often happens in unnatural tragedies, murder, suicide.
Maybe we should introduce a nod of some sort, universal language and minimum offence or take less offence to words when they were spoken with good intentions.

It’s crass.

My son (28) passed away last year from a brain tumour. Someone said the very same thing to me and I was totally pissed off with the comment. The week before he died he went to the cinema so it’s not like he didn’t have a life. He lived it to the full.

Wow. That’s awful. 🥹💐

Maybe that person was suffering and they just meant at least they're not suffering, anymore?

I think it was about being out if pain and suffering in this day and age, Very few people are religious anymore.

I like the Jewish “may their memory be a blessing” but that’s more for cards than sharing in person.

@Kittybway awful. I’m so sorry.

People just don't know what to say so often clumsily say the wrong thing. A bereaved friend got all wound up when someone said they were sorry she had lost her son. She said 'he wasn't a handbag I didn't lose him, he died' which was obviously misplaced anger but still.

Imo any attempt at offering comfort is better than nothing.

If people keep being offended by people trying to say words of comfort people will just not say anything.Then we will have threads saying my mum as just died and everyone is ignoring me and avoiding me.

If someone tried to tell me that my husband/mum/dad/sister was better off in the morgue or in the ground than at home with their family, enjoying their life with years ahead of them, I would find it hard to not be offended by that.

Heaven was the better place meant though, not the morgue or in the ground. They weren’t saying the ground was better than being at home.
I can see how someone would be hurt by the expression in any case, but at least acknowledge that the speaker didn’t mean the ground/morgue.

This thread is the perfect illustration of why bereavement should on the whole be ignored. There is nothing you can say that won't offend somebody. No wonder people cross the road.

Aunt Agatha was burnt to a powder.

Tha'll die and we shall bury thee
T'worms'll come and eat up there
Then ducks 'll eat up t'worms
Well come along eat up ducks.
Then we'll have eaten there.
(Ikley moor baht 'at)

Someone said that to me when ds died. I never spoke to them again ( and they are family)
Ditto " he's with the angels/ his grandad ". Just fuck off.

No they don't. Do you actually know any Christians on which you can base this statement?

Having experienced 5 close bereavements (both parents, DH, MIL and an Uncle) and a smattering of friends / acquaintances, I think I've heard every variety of well meant but crass platitude one could imagine.

Icing on my particular shitcake was someone on my friends list, who I didn't know personally, messaging as a good JW to tell me my husbands undiagnosed cancer and unexpected death was punishment from God for being a Goth, that I needed exorcising, and that I should hold my loved ones close as they would soon be taken and I'd end up sick, homeless and impoverished. (Yes, I appreciate NAJWALT, nor Christians in general).

I think in general bereavement is the most awkwardness inducing circumstance for so many people, and we've kind of lost touch with the reality of it. I blame things like social media etc, and the way such a messy complex and personal thing can become a bizarre marketing exercise.

As for the "better place" thing, I too resent that implication, because of course our feeling (generally) is that our loved ones best place is with us in the here and now. If you don't "believe" or haven't really thought about it much, the grieving brain can go to some very weird and tortuous places around the subject.

It's all complex, moreso for some than others, and it's a shame because sometimes thoughtless comments, even meant well, can do quite alot of damage.

I don't even think it's about being offended per se, it's just extra painful input on top of already unbearable pain. I don't know what the answer is. We're messy creatures, life and death is messy to navigate, and we all muddle through to a degree.

I agree it's inappropriate as are comments like 'it was a blessed release ' and "at least she/he had a long life'
All of those comments make the person grieving feel like they shouldn't be grieving
When I have lost people i loved all I wanted was for people to acknowledge my pain, and how much I missed the person.

Feelings surrounding death and grief are so subjective, so someone is going to mess up sometime. I try to be very mindful about what I say, possibly at the risk of not saying enough or coming across as cold. When my unborn baby was diagnosed with a not compatible with life condition, a midwife said to me it was "very unfair when so many of them [pointing around antenatal ward] smoke and drink and have healthy babies". That is not the way I see things at all, so I didn't like it but understood that she was trying to be helpful/compassionate. I would also very much dislike someone saying that illness or death is shit, but again wouldn't get annoyed as that is how they see it perhaps. In the early days post death there is obviously so much emotion, but try to remember that most people are just trying to reach out and say/do something, which is what counts. If it really bothers you, perhaps tell them at a later date.

My DF died recently. It was sudden and in a public place. He did not want to die and leave my mum. His idea of heaven was by her side. He has not gone to "a better place".

I’m so sorry, @XenoBitch.