AIBU to think “he’s in a better place” was inappropriate?

[Homer2]

Does anyone think this is an ok thing to say to someone? I’m baffled as to why she would’ve said it. Someone has just come back to work after compassionate leave because they just lost their dad, and my colleague said to them “he’s in a better place for sure” HUH? I really think thats an insensitive thing to say

I'm going to assume you're in the UK OP as you don't mention attending the funeral where people have a chance to acknowledge a death and sympathtise with the family like we do in Ireland.
I don't think the comments come from a place of malice or offense but from a human kindness in recognising the huge shift that comes with losing a loved one. While you may not agree with the Christian beliefs the sentiment still carries.

It’s silly, yes, but it’s either the kind of well-meant platitude someone with no idea what to say to a newly-bereaved person trots out, or its from someone who genuinely believes the world is a vale of tears and that the dead are blissing out on clouds.

To me it sounds as if you are saying 'better off dead than here with you and the rest of his family' and one of those mindlessly ridiculous things that people say .

I would just say " I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad, I know there's nothing we can say to make it better, but please let us know over the coming weeks if there 's anything we can do to make things easier for you here in the office".

Most religions believe that people go to “better places” after they die because that’s a comfort to people when the thought of simply ceasing to exist can be scary. So I think it is always meant well. But I think it only really makes sense to say it when the person had been ill or suffering. If it’s sudden or the grieving person isn’t religious then it’s not really relevant

Yes. In certain circumstances when the death was particularly painful and cruel, it is said with compassion by family, grateful they are out of pain.
A young mother took her life last year, at the funeral service the priest said it a few times, that she’s in a better place, watching her young children aged between 9-13 crying. It was awful. I wanted to push him off the altar. I couldn’t believe he was saying this.

I’m sorry but there are much better things to say to someone. It’s the word “better” that gets me I think. Even though I don’t believe in god or heaven, if people said to me “they’ve gone to a nice place” or “god is looking after them” or “they will be happy/at peace where they are” even though I don’t believe it myself, I would still realise that this is said with good intention and accept it and it wouldn’t offend me at all. I guess I just don’t understand WHY they would be in a better place? Why is it better? You mean to say that someone who loved life, went on holidays and cruises every year, who did fun hobbies Sunday and went on trips and days out with the grandkids and friends to socialise with and a wife to grow old with and a lovely life.. is actually BETTER off dead?? I don’t understand how it is comforting. I can completely understand that it isn’t said with malice. I just don’t know how someone who isn’t religious has come to this conclusion?

When my dad died, a close friend said it must be a comfort to know he's reunited with your sister now. I said no, not really as I don't believe in that! They were quite shocked 🫤 I wasn't really offended though as I knew it was well meant.

How else could it be interpreted?

‘He’s in a better place now…
in that box under the ground/in a jar on your mantelpiece’.

Of course nobody sane would think/say such a thing. The person saying it obviously believes there is an afterlife (and therefore has some spiritual or religious beliefs).

I can’t even remember what people said when I was bereaved- probably this exact phrase plus lots of others. Clearly none of them shocked me or upset me too much as I can’t recall them.

What did upset me was people avoiding mentioning my bereavement or the person I was grieving for.

When my much loved parents died there were people who said this but they knew both my parents had faith, were members of the church & they believed in the soul going on to the afterlife. I found it comforting knowing it was their time to go & hopefully given the state of the world at present it was to a better place. I do understand why there are people who disagree with the sentiment though.

Just remembered a friend whose Mum had died some years prior (the mum having been friends with my mum who had died) saying things like ‘I bet they’re together up there having a glass of wine and a good laugh!’ which I don’t find upsetting but just quite cringey. 😂

It isn't the world's though is it? Whatever people say, they mean 'It's shit, we know it's shit, it was/will be shit when it happened/happens to me too, nothing we can say will really help, and unfortunately the only way with grief is through it.'

But because people like you look at good intentions or kindness and decide to take offence, society has invented a bunch of mealy-mouthed platitudes for us to say instead.

I hate passed away, or lost, or fell asleep but people say those things because someone like you will take offence at the word 'dead'. So, when people say them to me, I know what they really mean and I say thank you and inwardly laugh at the thought I bury my relatives whenever they fall asleep.

It is hard to know what to say. I am a Christian but hyper aware other people don’t believe so I cross that out.

I just said thank you to people who sympathised unless someone is trying to be offensive there is no need to bite their head off.

My cousin said to me at least you had your mother longer than she had her mother. I thought wtf but just smiled. I wanted to say did you say goodbye to your mother on an iPad or were you all around her to say goodbye. Grief is difficult to navigate, people say careless things.

It’s a really shit expression and I hate it, I lost my friend 2 years ago and someone said the same thing. Surely being here with her husband and kids is the “better place” for her, not fucking dead. It really pisses me off.

Sorry but this made me smile 💐

I have someone on Facebook who is very catholic and her DC have been involved in a life of crime from early on. Started off as motoring offenses then moved onto violent robberies and was very unrepentant about it all. Her ds died in a RTA where he was chasing someone. Her Facebook is full of pictures of him with photoshopped angel wings at the gates of heaven with other dead relatives. She often captions it with "God only takes the best/God's garden is beautiful, He only picks the best/You were too good for this cruel world " and how he will be waiting for her at the gates of heaven, and part of me would love to leave a comment of "WTAF, I hope not!" but of course I would never do that.

These are the kind of blanket statements people make because it's what they think they should say. It's likely coming from someone who felt the need to say something, and lacking any original thought, they said something off the inside of a greeting card. It's one of the most overused condolence statements other than, "I'm sorry for your loss." Or "It was his time."

I agree that "he is in a better place for sure" is extremely dismissive, patronizing, and deeply uncompassionate. I had a terrible loss a few years ago and someone said "It was his time" as if they were some wise sage.

This colleague is not God, she does not have the right to announce that a man she never knew is in a better place. It's presumptuous as hell and just so unsympathetic.

She probably meant well, though, she is just too stupid to know how she came across.

Personally, I think the only thing you can in this instance without possibly offending or hurting the bereaved is "I'm sorry for your loss."

a better place than being very unwell is how i saw it

tbh when i have lost family members any platitudes were received gratefully and tbh i was in such a blur i have no memory of what Was said. but i do remember i actively wanted people to acknowledge it,
people find death very difficult, the majority of people have no idea what to say.
seems very mean to criticise

It's a phrase that ties into the Protestant Christian ethos.... when you die you get to heaven where it's all milk and honey...better than suffering pain and sickness on earth.

Clumsy but bloody true in my experience

No-one said that to me when my husband died, thank goodness. ' I am so sorry' covers it all.

It’s just a stupid thing to say but it’s so hard to know what to say.

People struggle to know what to say when someone is bereaved, my mum died last year she was 82 and very frail and hadent been in good health for a number of years
And really didnt want to be here in the last few weeks of her life ,
So it was more of a relief when died and wasent suffering anymore
I dont think peoole look to offend their intentions are usually good .

I would hope that the relative would take it in the spirit it was intended - as words of comfort. You wouldn’t have to be in the least religious to understand how it was meant.

Sounds like a religious statement to me - i.e they are with God/in an afterlife/Heaven.

If it was me, it would depend on who said it. If I knew the person was good and kind and said it in the hope of making me feel better, I’d be touched. If I knew they were hoping to exploit my grief in order to draw me into their faith, I’d explode.

What is learned from several far too soon deaths in my family.
People sometimes say things clumsily or in a way that does not reflect your beliefs or grief. But they are trying to say "I'm so sorry this terrible thing has happened to you, I am so sorry"
And that's a whole lot better than those who say nothing or indeed cross the street to avoid you.

The opening post is the reason why many people feel they can't give condolences to the bereaved, because so many people look for offence, especially second hand offence like the OP.

For people who believe in an afterlife, they do believe the person is in a better place, I would take the comment in the spirit (pun unintended) it was given in.