AIBU to think “he’s in a better place” was inappropriate?

[Homer2]

Does anyone think this is an ok thing to say to someone? I’m baffled as to why she would’ve said it. Someone has just come back to work after compassionate leave because they just lost their dad, and my colleague said to them “he’s in a better place for sure” HUH? I really think thats an insensitive thing to say

A simple 'I'm sorry about your Dad' would do just fine.

Some people said this after my Dad died suddenly at 65. It was very difficult not to snap at them.

I disagree. When my dad died it was "a blessed release" and it was a comfort to think he'd had a long life. If someone had told me how shit it was that he'd died (he suffered a long drawn out death due to dementia) I would have found that offensive.

For some people it’s a coping mechanism, to think their loved one is in fact in a better place.

All of this.

It is meant kindly at a time when finding the right words is difficult.

And for all the Christianity-bashers who think it is ignorant to "assume" Christianity, a great number of religions have an afterlife belief.

And for those who don't, it wouldn't really be appropriate to say "Ah well that's that."

I’m not religious but I wouldn’t be offended if someone said that to me, they mean it in a nice way.

I have lost both my parents , my sister, my brother and my in laws. And to me they absolutely were losses. I did lose them. I can no longer talk to them, hug them or laugh with them . I know where they are but they are lost to me.
I don't understand why that term offends anyone because it explains exactly how it feels to have a close bereavement.
My brother had to tell me about the loss of my dad and my brother and I understood why he said passed instead of died. He couldn't say died without crying. Sometimes those terms are used for a good reason. Its not about euphemisms it's about coping.

I don't like the phrase either. But it's what people say sometimes. Just means they've gone to heaven.

It can mean “ no longer suffering “, and I think people say as they imagine it might comfort the bereaved. People don’t really know what to say, they often want to say something gentle and soothing and this is a stock phrase that has been used for decades, if not centuries. TBH, there is nothing you can say to a recently bereaved person which will make their loss any less painful, and all you can do is acknowledge that they have suffered a loss, and you do this by saying something rather than staying silent, or crossing the road to avoid them. Most( almost all) people want to be sympathetic and supportive, they just don’t know how, and of course each bereaved person experiences their loss differently. It’s best just to accept well meaning comments rather than looking at it too deeply. At least the colleague in this scenario didn’t ignore the loss, and tried to acknowledge it, albeit in a fumbly way.

Absolutely.

People generally do try their best.

She was trying to cheer up the bereaved. It’s got nothing to do with pushing Christianity.

It wouldn’t really bother me. Some people do think that people go to a better place when they die so I’d take it in the manner it was intended, which I would assume was to be comforting.

Except then they’d be a thread about the fact their bereavement was ignored 🫣

My Mum died in Sept after long standing dementia and Parkinsons . Also a life long Christian.
So many people said to me especially at her funeral and wake she's in a better place or she's at rest/peace or she's with her husband now, my Dad had died five years ago .

I did take comfort , she is in a better place now .
They both had "good innings"
Don;t even mind the "loss" sentiment but i haven't "lost" them, I know where they are .

It might be appropriate if the person was very old, frail, in pain,, dementia. They will be at peace
I remember a few years ago a teenager went swimming in a river local to us, got into difficulties and sadly drowned. Someone commented that he was now in a better place. Im sure they meant well but it was a pretty crass thing to say about a 16 year old drowning 😡

Yes- ‘better place’ is inappropriate when talking about a young person’s death. For an old or very ill person who was suffering, I would find it a lot less irritating.

I feel the same about ‘good innings’ and I don’t think I’d be offended if someone said that to me when I had lost a parent or grandparent in their 80s or 90s.

My parents died in their 60s and luckily no one told me they’d had a good innings. They didn’t- they barely got to enjoy the retirement they’d worked so hard all their lives for. The ‘better place’ would have been staying here for longer to enjoy their grandchildren, friends and hobbies, and to do all the travel they wanted to do.

they aren't in a better place because they aren't anywhere. They are dead no brain activity.

A simple sorry the.hear about your mum/dad is all that's needed.

If it was meant kindly it wouldn't bothered for a second. I have valued any kind word or gesture a hundred times more than at other times when someone close has died. I've sat by three people as they died and each time it was unremittingly horrible so I'm not sure that she wasn't right anyway.

Maybe a sudden, unexpected death would make me feel differently but most deaths seem to be much more drawn out, frightening, painful and unpleasant than you think before you brush up against them.

I do think some people do use critical times such as death to 'minister'. When my DC was born (and was anticipated to die soon after) a fellow mum who had been on the antenatal ward with me for several months sent me a card with Bible verses written by her. Her baby sadly died soon after birth and she said she knew that God had sent her (the baby) in order to testify to me. I'm a Muslim and felt very bad that she thought she'd gone through so much and lost her child in order to tell me about Christianity, which I already knew about. She stopped speaking to me a few years later when I hadn't become a Christian.

But if you’re Christian (I’m not), what could be more important than spreading god’s word? If you genuinely believe it’s real and belief is salvation then why wouldn’t you be urging people to convert? I am not religious but I have compassion for people who genuinely are and who are trying to ‘help’ (in their view) people lead a better more fulfilling life. You really have to think of it from the perspective of a believer and then I think it’s actually very kind.

Well it isn't that hard or at all offensive just to say that you are sorry to hear the news is it?

I think before you attempt to spread God's word you need to read the room a bit first and be aware that people might have their own belief systems and that this is not the time nor the place for you to proselytize.

I don’t think most Christians think like this. I’m Catholic and I know I don’t.
Even if you do it’s very, very clearly not the right time.

I agree what can you say?
I dont think anybody intentionally sets out to cause offence .

it is not good manners to assume everyone else has the same belief system as you.

No, I don’t think it is, that’s typically what I’d say. I was responding to someone who said it’d be better not to say anything. It was a joke (albeit maybd not a funny one).