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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask my partner to move out over benefits?

259 replies

TWD123 · 07/04/2026 09:23

I have been with my partner for around 2 years. I have health issues which I have been quite unwell with since January. Around 2-3 weeks ago, my partner unofficially moved in here to help me out, I say unofficially because she doesn’t contribute to the bills at the moment because that would mean her legally living here in the eyes of UC. It was a 2-3 week trial run until I was back on my feet a bit more to decide what to do next.

We have started going through benefit calculations to see how it would all work with her officially moving in. Now, I was always under the impression that she doesn’t earn very much, living on the breadline - because that’s what she has always told me - now it transpires that she earns a lot more than she said and also has quite a bit in savings.

This means that I would be losing around £1000 a month, having to pay for school meals/prescriptions/dental care/etc whilst she would be around £1000 better off because my house bills aren’t as much as hers.

She is going to have to move straight back out isn’t she?

I hate to make it all about money but my income resources are pretty limited due to being too unwell to work and I have children - one that is autistic - to provide for…

OP posts:
CherryBlossom321 · 07/04/2026 14:52

BudgetBuster · 07/04/2026 14:41

Ah stop that 😂

So you think the OP genuinely thought that he partner that works full time and has been dating for 2yrs was waiting in line for free bread?

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Strawman fallacy. Tedious and predictable.

GottaBeStrong · 07/04/2026 14:52

TWD123 · 07/04/2026 09:38

Even if she says fine, I’ll hand the money over, financially I will be in the same situation but I will have extra outgoings (such as prescriptions, glasses, school meals, dentist fees) that normally I won’t have to pay for so financially I’m not that much better off and will have less support

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I wouldn't do it, but that's because I've previously been financially abused.

You can get a prescription prepayment certificate that costs £114.50 a year that would cover your medicine, but not glasses and dental.

School meals - you could do packed lunches instead, which might work out cheaper than school dinners.

BlackCatsForever · 07/04/2026 14:55

All about the money… Not a word about the emotional impact on the children (including one with autism) of moving this random person into their home.

BudgetBuster · 07/04/2026 14:59

CherryBlossom321 · 07/04/2026 14:52

Strawman fallacy. Tedious and predictable.

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You started it hun

5128gap · 07/04/2026 15:03

Monty36 · 07/04/2026 14:09

If you are a couple and as a couple, earn over a threshold to receive benefits then you do.
It doesn’t matter who earns what, but collectively what is the household income.
If it means you won’t be with a person and a couple because your benefits will go then you do not value your relationship much.
She has been dishonest about money. Your attitudes to money are not a good start.

Its not really as straightforward as "if your benefits matter that much". Coming off benefits to be supported financially by a partner is a big step as your livelihood is in the hands of that person, and that person needs to be fully committed to keeping you. Many would be live in partners are not very keen on this at all. They don't see why they should keep another adult and this leads to the non working partner being resented, even kept short of money.
The claimant may be delighted to come off benefits, but the partners view is the one that counts as they'll be picking up the bill. If OP doesn't fully trust her partner financially this would be a mistake for her.

WallaceinAnderland · 07/04/2026 15:07

I don't understand the problem with increased outgoings for you OP because you will have an increased income.

She would pay rent and her share of utilities, food, etc. So on balance you are no worse off. In fact you might even be better off financially.

Therealjudgejudy · 07/04/2026 15:08

She needs to move back out.

And the lying about finances is shady.

user1476613140 · 07/04/2026 15:09

TWD123 · 07/04/2026 09:38

Even if she says fine, I’ll hand the money over, financially I will be in the same situation but I will have extra outgoings (such as prescriptions, glasses, school meals, dentist fees) that normally I won’t have to pay for so financially I’m not that much better off and will have less support

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Move to Scotland. You'd be better off especially if you have chronic health issues.

Minnie798 · 07/04/2026 15:11

You can decide not to live with a partner for any reason you want.

Genevieva · 07/04/2026 15:20

Either your partner pays you the £1,000 plus half the bills, or she moves out.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/04/2026 15:22

"I was always under the impression that she doesn’t earn very much, living on the breadline - because that’s what she has always told me - now it transpires that she earns a lot more than she said and also has quite a bit in savings."

You would not be asking her to move out "over benefits" - you'd be asking her to move out because for two years she's been lying to you. Doesn't matter whether those lies have been explicit or by omission - I'd feel deliberately misled and unable to trust her again. What else could she have misled me about?

Edit:
Having now read all your posts, the shifts she works having such an impact too - no, she absolutely needs to move out, this is not a viable domestic set-up.

andweallsingalong · 07/04/2026 15:23

£2800 isn't a massive buffer for a self sufficient adult and is way below the amount of savings UC are interested in so I don't know why you suggest it could go into the family pot.

£1K per month due to her earnings is different and would need to be included in your family budget if you carried on living together. But then you don't seem to enjoy it so why would you, even without the finances?

Check into your schools individual policy. Ours still provides Pupil Premium and free school meals for 6 years after becoming financially ineligible.

Hankunamatata · 07/04/2026 15:35

Be honest. The money issue could be overcome. You dont want her to live with you, you find it disruptive.

MrsJeanLuc · 07/04/2026 15:35

TWD123 · 07/04/2026 09:52

I am much happier living apart… she prefers to live with a partner so either way one of us will be unhappy with the arrangement…

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This is the key point isn't it? The discussion about money is irrelevant really. If you truly wanted to live together then you'd find a way to make it work.
I think you need to be honest with your partner about how you feel.

Blondeshavemorefun · 07/04/2026 15:47

£2800 isn’t a lot of a family of 4 as that is what you will be and I’d lose benifits then she will be paying for most of what you do /have /want /need and your kids

do you get cms for both kids ?

Kirbert2 · 07/04/2026 15:52

BudgetBuster · 07/04/2026 14:43

I 100% agree. That's why I said I think thag the OPs partner probably has budgeting issues moreso. Probably afraid to use savings in case of an emergency, but putting too much savings away and ending up with little to nothing left at the end of the month hence telling the OP they are living on the breadline and don't buy new clothes or having to borrow money.

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and that would feel dishonest to me. If you have savings, you don't need to borrow money from someone on benefits because that is what savings are for.

Newyearawaits · 07/04/2026 16:06

TWD123 · 07/04/2026 09:28

I’m more concerned about the extra outgoings I will have to - such as my child’s hot meals at school, my prescriptions of which I have quite a lot of, my glasses which my prescription changes a couple of times a year and they are quite expensive to buy, my dental care - all which I get help with now but won’t if she actually moves in

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That's how it works. I know people who aren't on benefits who struggle with prescription charges etc.
Being a couple means u share financial resources.
Good luck with your decision

AngelinaFibres · 07/04/2026 16:13

TWD123 · 07/04/2026 09:49

Honestly, I have found it more difficult because we have a certain routine at home due to one child’s autism and where she works shifts and it’s a small house, it can be incredibly disruptive. For example, night shifts and trying to keep the house quieter in the day time

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So there's your answer. It's financially detrimental and it's going to cause problems for you and your children ( and for your partner if they need to sleep during the day). The summer holidays are going to be very stressful. Better to leave things as they are and live separately

Happyreddormouse · 07/04/2026 16:14

Why not apply for a Carers Allowance and they can be the carer?

gamerchick · 07/04/2026 16:18

Happyreddormouse · 07/04/2026 16:14

Why not apply for a Carers Allowance and they can be the carer?

Are you really suggesting someone quits their job so they can claim carers? It's not a massive amount of.money.

ukathleticscoach · 07/04/2026 16:24

I thought I was fairly left wing before reading this.

I managed to get back into work despite having AML twice then a STC + have 2 kids in primary school and am pretty sure I am at least 10 yrs older than the op

Its hardly true love is it

Sarahsaw · 07/04/2026 16:26

Well you're either dependant on her or dependant on the state, the more stable option is to be dependant on the state, either way is shit, not 100% sure this isn't rage bait, as you've already had a few takers.

Kirbert2 · 07/04/2026 16:29

ukathleticscoach · 07/04/2026 16:24

I thought I was fairly left wing before reading this.

I managed to get back into work despite having AML twice then a STC + have 2 kids in primary school and am pretty sure I am at least 10 yrs older than the op

Its hardly true love is it

and my son will likely never work due to having cancer and complications that then came from it. He didn't even need a STC but still had complications.

We don't even know what OP's health issue is.

MistyMountainTop · 07/04/2026 16:46

Bushmillsbabe · 07/04/2026 09:43

When you say she would be 1k better off moving in with you, is that after she pays her proportion of the rent/bills?

Prescriptions aren't very expensive - can get a prepayment certificate for about £10 a month.
Glasses - you can just get the lenses changed if prescription changes, and keep same frames.

Would your partner moving in be a positive or negative thing emotionally for your children?

You get charged a handling fee by the optician to use your existing frames, and they won't guarantee they won't break them. It's as cheap to buy new frames.

NotAnotherScarf · 07/04/2026 16:52

And this thread is what is wrong with the benefits system. If the partner moves in there is still the same amount of money coming in...but the op doesn't want to lose their benefits...
What if, just saying, the benefits system works so that if the partner moves in, they get the same money...if she moves out the op reverts to the benefits they were on previous...like with a computer etc...i mean I'm supposed to enter my tax details on line now, so why can't benefits work online? I met a guy I know today who is almost blind, his meta glasses read the labels in shops for him....it's not impossible to get a system where the op comes off benefits without you worry surely?