Holiday at the time of grandchild’s birth

[Ferguson0909]

My son is having a second baby in June. They will also have a 23 month old. There is a three day festival in another country I want to go to at that time. I was going to make it into a two week holiday.
they live 350 miles away so I would have to stay in a hotel. They have no other grandparents help.
Would I be unreasonable to go?

This is the reverse-iest reverse in the history of reverses. Your mother in law isn’t that bothered about being around for the birth of your second child. Organise alternative childcare for your 2 year old.

Have they ever realised since that they badly let you down?

Fair point. OP stated childcare so I'm inclined to think that he's still being given an easy ride by his mother. Most women are expected to crack on with childcare and housekeeping regardless of their partner's input.

Take the holiday. You have a lifetime with your grandchild and realistically it is their time as a family to be together.

You may end up resenting them if you don't go. Enjoy your life!!

I'd ask them.
When I had my 2nd my eldest was 22 months. I wasn't stressed about the birth, I was stressed about who would look after my son. My mum lives 100 miles away, and works. It wouldn't have been practical for her to be nearby for a big window around the due date as you never know when a baby will come (my 1st was 2 weeks late). In the event, I went into labour in the night and a friend came until my overbearing MIL could get there. In short, given the distance, I think they will need a plan that doesn't involve you but you should just ask them.
My mum did have a holiday booked around that time and I wasn't impressed!

Go to the festival op. Honestly this site is unbelievable for making women feel guilty if they don't drop to the every whim of their adult children. They decided to have children and if she's struggling with one then it's on them and they probably shouldn't be having another.

It's not your responsibility to run after them. If it damages the relationship then you know you weren't worth more to them than a convenient babysitter. You need to address how they are taking you for granted and set boundaries. Also no one knows if there's 'always next year'
Life is short, go to the festival and don't give it a 2nd thought

I can understand you feeling resentful that your DS and DIL have expected a lot of help from you since your first GC was born, especially as you live 350 miles away. The combination of travelling back and forth and running around after a toddler must be tiring, even for someone as fit and active as yourself. If your DS and DIL are frequently asking you to do this or simply assuming rather than you offering, then that's not ok and it does need to be addressed before your new GC arrives. Otherwise the demands on you will only increase, and so will the resentment you are currently feeling.

BUT, having said all that it would be spectacularly unfair to say nothing, quietly letting your resentment build over many months, then punish your DS and DIL by deliberately being out of the country for your GC's birth knowing full well that this means DIL will have to labour alone and DS will miss the birth of his child. Whilst that would certainly be making one hell of a clear statement, the phrase "using a sledgehammer to crack a nut' springs to mind.

In your shoes, I would plan to attend the festival next year and make sure I was around to look after my toddler GC when DIL goes into labour. But I would also instigate a private conversation with my DS, well before the new baby arrives. Explain that although you love being a GM and are very much looking forward to welcoming your new GC, you are not getting any younger and simply cannot continue to provide the same level of childcare and domestic support you have been. Tell him what you think is reasonable in terms of frequency of visits, but explain that you want and need the flexibility to travel, to go to events and to pursue hobbies while you are fit and well enough to do so. Tell him that on reflection you think his idea of hiring a Nanny is the right thing, that way DIL won't be so constantly overhelmed and when you visit you can really enjoy your GC rather than feeling like The Help. Tell him you want to think carefully about how this is communicated to DIL, because you value your relationship with her and you don't want her to feel ashamed for struggling. A simple, casual "I've been thinking, we should get a Nanny. We'll need help when the new baby comes and Mum's not getting any younger. I don't want her to wear herself out" might be kinder and less inflammatory than giving her a detailed account of your conversation.

You can set these boundaries kindly but firmly, without the need for big relationship-rocking gestures.

Oh jog on.

No chance. I rearranged my holiday abroad last year at financial cost to make sure we were here for the birth of our first grandchild. There are another two babies being born in the family this year so we’re staying put.

I don’t find it selfish at all. You’ve raised your kids and do help out with the grandkids.

It’s not the end of the world if you miss the first couple of days and you should be able to do a festival if you want.

Would the OP want to paint herself as useless though if it were a reverse?

Calmly and gently say you’re not available. That you’ve made plans prior and tell them you will see them in two weeks.

If she’s struggling with one, having another was probably I’ll advised. This isn’t your problem and if they needed you so much they would buy a property with an Annex for you to live in with them and support you / or they would move closer to you.

My father in law is 76 and my mil is 70 - no way I would expect them to travel 350 miles for my sake.

Go on your trip and let them work it out amongst themselves.

@Bobibbsleigh yes they did.
They were very apologetic to their son, my DH, which I think was genuine. They didn't really say anything to me, which annoyed me even more. I think they said something like that they were sorry for all the trouble they'd caused him (not me).

My MIL has since died. FIL still around, not great health. My DH doesn't see a lot of him, he lives about 2 hours away, that's a whole other thread.

Before I clicked into the thread I had a feeling it would be your DIL giving birth and not your DD 🫤

Glad you’ve made the decision now and I hope you are able to get things ironed out at an appropriate time.

unless the OP’s DIL is one of those women on mumsnet who doesn’t want to see family for a few days/weeks because they just want the core family enjoy their time ‘as a family’ or any of the other reasons they give.

No, you wouldn't be unreasonable.
It's your life to live.
Full stop.

My mum booked a holiday last minute for when I was at term with my 2nd. Booked it two weeks prior to going, after offering to look after my 1st born whilst I was in labour. She ‘needed’ a holiday, apparently. Being retired and having been away a few months prior, there were so many other dates she could have gone. I went into labour whilst she was away. My in-laws who have never looked after my 1st born toddler and hate doing any sort of baby care thankfully stepped up, very very reluctantly and only for a few hours because they had dinner plans, so a neighbour was on stand-by. My mum insisted that she had to come back, then complained about it. She could have gone away after the birth or in the months before, but chose to go away at that specific point. It massively slowed my labour down as I was stressed as my in-laws didn’t have a clue what to do with my toddler, asking DH to come back and help them make his lunch, put him down for a nap etc and my mum was constantly texting whinging about her holiday being ruined.

If you’ve already agreed to take their 1st born, it’s quite unfair to let them down now. The festival will be there next year. If you haven’t agreed to help out with childcare, then it’s definitely fine to go. As you probably remember yourself when your children were young, it’s being let down that stings the most. Especially when something as major as giving birth.

We don’t rely on our parents for regular childcare or even visits, so don’t ask for much from them at all. But if you feel that you’re being taken for granted, raise it. They might just assume you like taking care of your grandchild and helping out. I know sometimes it’s just even the acknowledgment of your help and time that makes the difference. It’s lovely that you’re hands-on and I’m a little jealous, but you absolutely shouldn’t be treated as unpaid help!

Without knowing how much help you give them it's hard to say. You say DIL struggles to cope with their toddler exactly how much help do they rely on from you? As you live quite a distance away from them. If you're constantly there a lot of the time maybe they need to source other childcare options at other times

My entire family went on holiday during the birth of my second child and I nearly bled to death through placental abruption, and had to spend a lot of time in hospital on my own (with a newborn) as my husband was looking after my older child who was only 1. I was in huge amounts of pain and very unwell afterwards …. the ward staff were so busy that I would ring my buzzer for hours and nobody came… Just something to bear in mind!

In what way do they take you for granted? What would they need to do to make you feel appreciated?

I get the impression that you feel helping out is a burden on you, which is a shame. I imagine if they knew you felt like that they wouldn’t seek your help.

@LiviaDrusillaAugusta Yeah I reckon she’s just posting as though she’s talking how she thinks her MIL sees her

I absolutely agree that there should be no obligation on grandparents to help. However, help goes both ways, and I often see the “it’s my time now” grandparents on here and wonder how much support they will get in return when they are elderly and need care/support.

Since they normally manage to cope with life and a two year old without you helping out since you live so far away I expect they have worked out a system of support friends, neighbours, other relatives ( her family?) to cover looking after the 2 year old for the time she is actually in hospital giving birth. When she is back at home the father, your son, will be there.

Go to the festival, make arrangements to visit when you get back. The chances are the baby won’t arrive on the due date anyway, but even so with luck they will have a chance to get home, settle in the new baby and fuss over the toddler before you come back from your travels to have some special time with the 2 year old who will probably need to have some one on one granny fuss.

Wow you’ve really got it in for OP, why? Some very unkind comments made by you, this isn’t the only one. So what if OPs made a wonderful time and enjoys good health, no doubt she’s worked hard for that.

Childcare as we often hear on this site, is exhausting and more so for a 70 year old, no matter how fit they are.

OP, as you’ve acknowledged the birth of the baby to make a point is the wrong time, but a conversation is needed. Good that they’re getting a nanny to help, dentist to your advantage and start dictating where you want to help and when.

Well done on your cycling! Bloody impressive IMO!

You seem so full of resentment op. Instead of the constant 'taken for granted' moans look on it as you have a good relationship and they enjoy your company and you supporting them. So many mils are pushed out you are actually lucky.

Go to the festival next year, obviously. Go and see them then if you want to back off a bit later do it gently and tactfully.