Page 13 | Holiday at the time of grandchild’s birth

Ferguson0909 · 2026-04-07T04:22:10+00:00

My son is having a second baby in June. They will also have a 23 month old. There is a three day festival in another country I want to go to at that time. I was going to make it into a two week holiday. they live 350 miles away so I would have to stay in a hotel. They have no other grandparents help. Would I be unreasonable to go?

ToffeePennie · 07/04/2026 11:33

My parents went away for a 2 week holiday the Friday before my due date (first baby) and my in-laws were going away the day after my due date.
I told everyone to go - my grandparents, my brother, everyone just up and gone.
I gave birth on my due date, we did lots of FaceTimes and calls and it made the precious moment when they came back from their holidays that much sweeter because I was waiting in their house with a tiny, 1 week old baby and my nan got the first cuddle. It was brilliant as it meant we had a whole week and a bit to get used to being a family together before everyone came home. Lovely!!

cocog · 07/04/2026 11:37

Are you the only childcare they have? There are festivals on everywhere every year. If your son needs you right now you should go this is the birth of his child and they will both remember forever you were not prepared to help them when they really needed you.

tiptoethrutulips · 07/04/2026 11:41

I think with her sister 2 minutes away and her husband, your son, presumably on paternity leave, they should be able to manage for the first couple of weeks. It's called parenting and he should be on parental leave to support his family.

I'd go to your festival, enjoy yourself, and then go support them for a couple of weeks when your son goes back to work and she's on her own.

Pinkcountrybumpkin · 07/04/2026 11:45

I think you need to ask them. And also, if they have no other help, and current gc is used to you, it’s pretty unfair to bog off when they really may need you to look after dgc1.

PinkyFlamingo · 07/04/2026 11:47

User1367349 · 07/04/2026 07:33

To give “her” a break? Presumably it is also to give your son a break, unless he does nothing to raise his own family or keep his own home clean?

I note you also say that your DIL struggled to cope, is that because you raised a man who doesn’t lift a finger and sees it as women’s work? Because you clearly do from your posts.

Also, 70 is nothing, my parents are in their 80s with serious health issues, and still want to come and be involved. It’s nothing to do with “not being as fit as you used to be”, and everything to do with what you prioritise.

In this case you can choose not to prioritise your grandchildren and their parents but do expect the same consideration back when you might need support.

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If you had bothered reading the OPs posts you would see exactly how much he does

Buscobel · 07/04/2026 11:49

I think an important fact to consider is that this couple is having a baby when the wife can’t manage the toddler they already have. If OP’s son is doing the childcare, as well as other household tasks when he’s at home, how are they going to manage with two small children in the longer term?

What help is the DiL getting to enable her to cope better? Other than the partner doing everything. I can foresee that OP will be there long term, because when her son goes back to work, the DiL won’t manage on her own.

It sounds as though there’s little or no support from her side of the family and as the OP has helped out, it’s now assumed that will always be the case. At the age of 70, it can’t be a long term thing. Small children are exhausting and older people have limited energy and that diminishes as time goes by.

Whether a nanny is as good as a grandparent or not, the parents need to sort out a way of sourcing help for the mother, both practically and emotionally and not expect a grandmother to be on call, especially as they live some distance apart.

OneBusyFinch · 07/04/2026 11:57

My colleague was maddened when her DD and son in law announced a new pregnancy and assumed she would be doing the same help that she did with the first DC. They don’t consult her, just assumed. Well done her for speaking up because she was already stressed and exhausted. They’ve now had to find paid care because she told them she would not be doing it and had to suffer through passive aggressive comments and tears but she stood her ground.

Pudmyboy · 07/04/2026 12:04

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carnivalcat · 07/04/2026 12:05

OneBusyFinch · 07/04/2026 11:57

My colleague was maddened when her DD and son in law announced a new pregnancy and assumed she would be doing the same help that she did with the first DC. They don’t consult her, just assumed. Well done her for speaking up because she was already stressed and exhausted. They’ve now had to find paid care because she told them she would not be doing it and had to suffer through passive aggressive comments and tears but she stood her ground.

Quite. Good on her for bringing her pregnant/postpartum daughter to tears. Round of applause for that lady! Give her a medal. Mother of the year.

Pipsquiggle · 07/04/2026 12:05

ToffeePennie · 07/04/2026 11:33

My parents went away for a 2 week holiday the Friday before my due date (first baby) and my in-laws were going away the day after my due date.
I told everyone to go - my grandparents, my brother, everyone just up and gone.
I gave birth on my due date, we did lots of FaceTimes and calls and it made the precious moment when they came back from their holidays that much sweeter because I was waiting in their house with a tiny, 1 week old baby and my nan got the first cuddle. It was brilliant as it meant we had a whole week and a bit to get used to being a family together before everyone came home. Lovely!!

@ToffeePennie
Completely irrelevant.

This is a second baby. They need childcare for DC1.
If you have a straight forward birth of DC1, you're right you don't need that much support if your DP is around.

sunshinestar1986 · 07/04/2026 12:10

User1367349 · 07/04/2026 07:33

To give “her” a break? Presumably it is also to give your son a break, unless he does nothing to raise his own family or keep his own home clean?

I note you also say that your DIL struggled to cope, is that because you raised a man who doesn’t lift a finger and sees it as women’s work? Because you clearly do from your posts.

Also, 70 is nothing, my parents are in their 80s with serious health issues, and still want to come and be involved. It’s nothing to do with “not being as fit as you used to be”, and everything to do with what you prioritise.

In this case you can choose not to prioritise your grandchildren and their parents but do expect the same consideration back when you might need support.

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70 is nothing?
It's all relative isn't it?
My mum died at 70.
She had a stroke which left her disabled and eventually led to her death.

Older people can feel fine and healthy one minute but an illness that a much younger person would recover from can cause them significant harm.

BoogieTownTop · 07/04/2026 12:11

This is so a case of “no good deed goes unpunished”, OP is the only GP stepping up to help……. Yet lots are painting her as the bad guy, nasty words like going on her “jollies”, selfish, unkind etc…that the DS & DIL need her blah blah.

Yet the other GP are coming out with no nasty comments, no one saying that the DIL needs them to step up, they’re selfish etc. Presumably there is enough time prior to the birth to form a relationship with the child.

Honestly OP, you’re being given a hard time because the others are the selfish, unkind ones.

It’s always the bloody way!

Credittocress · 07/04/2026 12:11

tiptoethrutulips · 07/04/2026 11:41

I think with her sister 2 minutes away and her husband, your son, presumably on paternity leave, they should be able to manage for the first couple of weeks. It's called parenting and he should be on parental leave to support his family.

I'd go to your festival, enjoy yourself, and then go support them for a couple of weeks when your son goes back to work and she's on her own.

I think it’s the difference between managing or coping and it being a great experience. The might be able to manage if her son stays at home with the toddler until the sister turns up, but really I think it would be hard to live with if she took the opportunity away from her son to be at the birth of his child.

we can cope everyday- it doesn’t mean it’s ideal.

OneBusyFinch · 07/04/2026 12:12

carnivalcat · 07/04/2026 12:05

Quite. Good on her for bringing her pregnant/postpartum daughter to tears. Round of applause for that lady! Give her a medal. Mother of the year.

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she wasn’t consulted by them ahead of the pregnancy - they assumed. They were in the wrong - too many women get sucked in by the unspoken assumption that they will be delighted to provide care.

if the dd was using a cm or nursery- they would have to consult them on whether they had the capacity to take a sibling, so why not consult your poor mother on whether she would like to care for two small children 3 days a week at 70+?

Sugargliderwombat · 07/04/2026 12:21

Ferguson0909 · 07/04/2026 06:45

My son pays for the hotel when I stay. He is paid well and he is talking about getting a nanny. But a nanny cannot replace a grandmothers love and care.

I think a nanny absolutely can. So if you want to go then suggest this. You can't complain about how much they rely on you the claim you are irriplacable.

Credittocress · 07/04/2026 12:27

Sugargliderwombat · 07/04/2026 12:21

I think a nanny absolutely can. So if you want to go then suggest this. You can't complain about how much they rely on you the claim you are irriplacable.

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I think people also underestimate how much thoughts like a nanny can’t replace a grandmothers love and care come across in conversations. They say a nanny can’t replace them, but equally don’t want to be there or relied upon.

my mother was very judgmental about my SIL putting her baby in nursery, but equally didn’t want to do childcare herself? What on earth was she then supposed to do? My SIL couldn’t win.

LauraJaneGrace · 07/04/2026 12:29

BoogieTownTop · 07/04/2026 12:11

This is so a case of “no good deed goes unpunished”, OP is the only GP stepping up to help……. Yet lots are painting her as the bad guy, nasty words like going on her “jollies”, selfish, unkind etc…that the DS & DIL need her blah blah.

Yet the other GP are coming out with no nasty comments, no one saying that the DIL needs them to step up, they’re selfish etc. Presumably there is enough time prior to the birth to form a relationship with the child.

Honestly OP, you’re being given a hard time because the others are the selfish, unkind ones.

It’s always the bloody way!

Totally agree.
I'm amazed at the mindset that older women who have spent a lifetime bringimg up their own kids would seem to have no agency at all when it comes to grandkids.
Just expected you'll drop everything.
Guilted into not putting other people first.

The DIL has a sister who it seems can't be trusted too long. Why is she being given a pass???
The DIL has two parents, seems her Dad is only good for walking around the block and watching Peppa pig for 10 minutes. Why are they being given a pass?
The DS has money... could arrange a nanny before birth of number 2. Why is he being given a pass?

And 70 year old OP is just expected to drop everything, no pass given here. Why??

It's a couple of weeks holiday. DIL and DS should get their act together and round up the rest of DILs family/ organise paid help. OP should enjoy her pre booked holiday. She's entitled to a life beyond dgc and maybe when you come back OP they will appreciate you doing as much as you do.

converseandjeans · 07/04/2026 12:31

I voted YABU before I read your comments. Honestly going forward I think they need a nanny if she can’t cope with one. I found one really easy (compared to full time teaching) but two was more of a juggling act the first few months.

It’s not a long term solution for you to travel all that way & to be doing chores. Just out of interest what does DIL do when your son or you are doing childcare, cooking & cleaning?

A childminder would probably work better as they can do school run in future years - otherwise you could end up trapped into being there for school runs & inset days & all manner of events.

carnivalcat · 07/04/2026 12:31

OneBusyFinch · 07/04/2026 12:12

she wasn’t consulted by them ahead of the pregnancy - they assumed. They were in the wrong - too many women get sucked in by the unspoken assumption that they will be delighted to provide care.

if the dd was using a cm or nursery- they would have to consult them on whether they had the capacity to take a sibling, so why not consult your poor mother on whether she would like to care for two small children 3 days a week at 70+?

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When I read your post, I thought the ‘help’ you were referring to was immediate postpartum help (as in the OP). Three days a week of care is obviously a significant ask of anyone. I hope your colleague has been able to repair her relationship with her daughter/grandchildren.

ForPlumReader · 07/04/2026 12:34

I think you're ok to go as long as you've not agreed (or given the impression) that you would be there to look after the older child for the actual birth.

Credittocress · 07/04/2026 12:37

LauraJaneGrace · 07/04/2026 12:29

Totally agree.
I'm amazed at the mindset that older women who have spent a lifetime bringimg up their own kids would seem to have no agency at all when it comes to grandkids.
Just expected you'll drop everything.
Guilted into not putting other people first.

The DIL has a sister who it seems can't be trusted too long. Why is she being given a pass???
The DIL has two parents, seems her Dad is only good for walking around the block and watching Peppa pig for 10 minutes. Why are they being given a pass?
The DS has money... could arrange a nanny before birth of number 2. Why is he being given a pass?

And 70 year old OP is just expected to drop everything, no pass given here. Why??

It's a couple of weeks holiday. DIL and DS should get their act together and round up the rest of DILs family/ organise paid help. OP should enjoy her pre booked holiday. She's entitled to a life beyond dgc and maybe when you come back OP they will appreciate you doing as much as you do.

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The others aren’t being given a pass though. It sounds like the sister is judged for being unreliable and the other grandparents aren’t asked for so much, but equally don’t have such a close relationship.

neverbeenskiing · 07/04/2026 12:43

BoogieTownTop · 07/04/2026 12:11

This is so a case of “no good deed goes unpunished”, OP is the only GP stepping up to help……. Yet lots are painting her as the bad guy, nasty words like going on her “jollies”, selfish, unkind etc…that the DS & DIL need her blah blah.

Yet the other GP are coming out with no nasty comments, no one saying that the DIL needs them to step up, they’re selfish etc. Presumably there is enough time prior to the birth to form a relationship with the child.

Honestly OP, you’re being given a hard time because the others are the selfish, unkind ones.

It’s always the bloody way!

OP is the one who has posted asking if she is being unreasonable, so that's why the comments are directed towards her and not her DIL's family. I think the comments giving OP a hard time and calling her selfish are in the minority actually, even the majority of those advising her to stay have done so politely.

I agree it is unfair that OP is put upon because DIL's family don't want to be involved. The problem is you can't force people to be loving, involved GP's if they're just not. So saying they "need to step up" won't actually achieve anything in reality. Of course they should want to be there for their DD in her hour of need, but that doesn't mean they will. Some people simply don't want to know. There are also people who, for very legitimate reasons, do not trust their own family members to care for their DC even if they are willing to and maybe DIL has good reasons not to lean on her family beyond them not seeming to give a shit.
So yes, the situation is unfair and maybe the DIL's family are "selfish and unkind" people but OP going on this trip won't suddenly magic them into being kind and unselfish.

youalright · 07/04/2026 12:45

If you was my mum id be telling you to go and enjoy yourself but I'm a capable adult. If they can't cope to look after their own children for whatever reason then I suppose you're going to have to stay and step in

neverbeenskiing · 07/04/2026 12:54

DIL and DS should get their act together and round up the rest of DILs family/ organise paid help

"Round them up" as in what though? How exactly are DIL and DS supposed to force DIL's family to look after their toddler when they don't want to?

As for paid help, if DIL goes into labour in the middle of the night how would that work? Are there many emergency babysitters who are willing to be on standby at all hours of the day and night for 2 weeks to look after a child for an undetermined amount of time?

Gloriia · 07/04/2026 13:00

'OP is the one who has posted asking if she is being unreasonable, so that's why the comments are directed towards her and not her DIL's family'*

Exactly, it should go without saying if the other grandparents hardly help then of course they should step up a bit as the dil has struggled but they haven't so far, so here we are.

I couldn't book a trip knowing fine well they needed support at that specific time. Yes of course the op is entitled to her own life amd needs to work on being assertive and letting them know she is not available at their beck and call but the time do that is not for the immediate post partum aftermath.