Holiday at the time of grandchild’s birth

[Ferguson0909]

My son is having a second baby in June. They will also have a 23 month old. There is a three day festival in another country I want to go to at that time. I was going to make it into a two week holiday.
they live 350 miles away so I would have to stay in a hotel. They have no other grandparents help.
Would I be unreasonable to go?

Go on the holiday. Unless you promised to help then in the initial days. Would they really be that bothered?

I will NEVER understand the entitlement of some parents!

No it wasn’t saying that, it was saying she’s entitled to go away on holiday, which she is!

I agree.

I do wonder if there's a bit of internalised misogyny going on here with the OP. I've got female relatives that would say that my husband "does all the housework" when he's really just stepping up to modern standards.

Why on earth do you do their housework?! Just stop doing it, sounds like they're using you.

I'd go to the festival and have a break. There's 2 of them and 2 children, they'll manage. Why are they even having another child if they find looking after one so difficult?

Someone crying because they have to pay for childcare should not be pandered to.

And presumably her sister knows this and so keeps her own boundaries! OP time for you to do the same. If they are old enough to have two children, they are old enough to deal with the consequences of having two children.

Why on earth wouldn't you go on holiday? The baby will still be there when you get back.

Apparently she should be grateful she’s fit and well and instead of living her life, she should devote herself to her son and DIL because, despite the DIL not coping with one child without a lot of help (although her family are local
and don’t seem fussed), they decided to put themselves in a position where they will have a baby and toddler.

And the baby isn’t going to know or care that it’s grandmother wasn’t there from day one!

She can see it when she gets back

Yes, you are right!
It's me time now, they usually have means to get paid help in.
(I'm child free, but my husband is one of these grandparents).

This is such a mean spirited thread.

Who for? The OP or DS & SIL?

But OP is always helping them. People are being so vile about her wanting to do something for herself for a change.

So many transactional people on here

No, it's for the ds and dil's benefit obviously.

Rightly or wrongly the op has been a great support to her ds and his wife. She clearly feels taken for granted and wants to be less available. That is obviously understandable but just pick your moments. Going away when she knows fine well they'll struggle as she's made herself a bit indispensable is unkind imo.

Get the birth and initial post partum hectic 6mths after out of the way, then back off and make availability very clear going forward.

There are mean spirited people on both sides of the argument really. It’s best just to ignore them.
If I hadn’t felt so taken for granted, there would be no discussion. I would just be there for them. Part of it is that her parents do nothing. They are only slightly older than me so there is no excuse. She wanted her mum to stay for a couple of nights after no1 was born and was really upset when she wouldn’t. She would far rather her own mum be there than me, and that is perfectly natural. My own daughter would be exactly the same and I would have to be on my deathbed to say no.

I am fitter than her parents. They call me supersonic grandma. But I still think a 70 year old with no health problems could do even a little.
Of course they would cope without me. But it would be so much nicer if this time was ‘lovely’ rather than ‘coping’

I need to back off and not be so available. But as others have said this is not the time to make a point.

My son loves being a dad. He loves spending time with his child. I can see that he does get tired though. I am not sure what she will do when he goes back to work.
It is not my place to say anything to him though.

Given the DIL’s apparent inability to cope with one child, bringing another one into it is going to mean the demands on the OP are going to increase.

And posters here are saying they would remember the ‘lack of help’ (one bloody holiday?) in the future if the OP needed anything.

The DIL and DS have chosen to make their situation worse and expect OP to jump in.

OP how often are you actually travelling to help them out?

This has been asked and not answered a few times.

My own daughter would be exactly the same and I would have to be on my deathbed to say no.

But you’re happy to say no to your son? Because that’s what you’re doing. Your DIL is his wife. This is your son’s child too.

And whatever happens the daughter will be at the birth of her child 😂. This might only be a DIL giving birth and not a daughter- but in reality it could be the difference between her son being at the birth of his child or not

If OP is expected to be there for the birth but lives hundreds of miles away, how is she going to get there in time? If the baby comes early she won't be there ahead of time and will have to travel for hours and might not make it as 2nd babies tend to be quicker. If the baby comes late she would need to be staying in the hotel for weeks on end just in case. I think the son's idea of a nanny is actually quite good. No it doesn't replace a grandparents love of course, but it would be a younger pair of hands none the less. Then the nanny can do the grunt work and OP can just concentrate on being a good grandmother. It would probably be better for the DIL too as she would then have the help she needs more of the time and not just when OP is able to visit. If they have plenty of money and can afford it then it seems like the best solution to me.

But that is for them to arrange. Her sister is round the corner and sounds like her parents are local.

OP will just get further dragged in to a shitshow where the DIL isn’t capable of looking after the one child on her own and will soon have a toddler and baby to not be able to look after.

Not sure why some posters are actually telling her she shouldn’t have a life outside of her family - I would have hoped this misogynistic shit had died out years ago.

I had this exact scenario. I had already booked a deposit to go away and then realised it was about a week after my daughter was due with her second child, so if she'd been overdue it might have happened when I was away. She told me to go, they'd be fine but I cancelled. I just couldn't take the chance! In the end she was induced on time but they did need me around! I'm very glad I cancelled. I couldn't have enjoyed it knowing they might need me!