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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Holiday at the time of grandchild’s birth

379 replies

Ferguson0909 · 07/04/2026 05:22

My son is having a second baby in June. They will also have a 23 month old. There is a three day festival in another country I want to go to at that time. I was going to make it into a two week holiday.
they live 350 miles away so I would have to stay in a hotel. They have no other grandparents help.
Would I be unreasonable to go?

OP posts:
LauraJaneGrace · 07/04/2026 10:37

Go to the festival.
They will cope. There's two of them.

Why are so many women so happy to advocate for putting themselves last?

Why should they take it for granted that grandmother's should drop everything? Like grandma has no life?

You help out quite a lot. They should be bloody grateful and not have the gall to expect you to sacrifice your life for theirs.

God, all these women convincing you not to go are making me SCREAM into my phone.

Firsttimecommentor · 07/04/2026 10:46

Ferguson0909 · 07/04/2026 05:22

My son is having a second baby in June. They will also have a 23 month old. There is a three day festival in another country I want to go to at that time. I was going to make it into a two week holiday.
they live 350 miles away so I would have to stay in a hotel. They have no other grandparents help.
Would I be unreasonable to go?

Having been in the situation where my only grandparent who could help me with my other kids wasn’t present for the due date of my 4th child- I can say it adds lots of undue stress to the family.
My first 3 babies were all overdue and induced so I think this was the ‘bench mark’ to arrive back the day before I was due. But I went into labour 8 days before due date and had to think, while I was in labour, who are we going to call. It wasn’t great.

Gizzywizzywoo · 07/04/2026 10:48

Yes! This is your grandchild why on earth would you pick going to a festival over being there when the baby arrives
If this is your priority before the baby is even born then what kind of grandparent will you be?
My youngest has grandparents that dont bother and its awful
My eldest had loving grandparents and great grandparents so ive seen the difference it can make when they are present and involved.sadly all those grandparents have passed
I now have my own grandchild who is almost 7 months, she lives 3 hours away ( each way) but i travel to see her every week and ive had her overnight .i couldnt imagine choosing a holiday over missing out on her arrival

Unpaidviewer · 07/04/2026 10:48

LauraJaneGrace · 07/04/2026 10:37

Go to the festival.
They will cope. There's two of them.

Why are so many women so happy to advocate for putting themselves last?

Why should they take it for granted that grandmother's should drop everything? Like grandma has no life?

You help out quite a lot. They should be bloody grateful and not have the gall to expect you to sacrifice your life for theirs.

God, all these women convincing you not to go are making me SCREAM into my phone.

Of course they will cope. Her DS would have to miss his child's birth and her DIL give birth alone. How lovely is that?

SadSaq · 07/04/2026 10:50

MyOtherProfile · 07/04/2026 08:15

Where are they in all this?

That's my question.

MajorProcrastination · 07/04/2026 10:51

If you haven't booked it already, I'd do it next year instead like you've already said.

However, I think it's a good chance to talk with them about expectations and taking you for granted.

I live close to my parents and MIL but I didn't assume any help from them. It was great that my mum would pop over with roast dinners for us. She'd also come in, wave at me while I breastfed in the living room and head straight to the kitchen to do some washing up, pack a back of laundry to wash and iron at hers, bring me a cup of tea and let herself out. She didn't have any help at all when I was born because we lived abroad so she just did what she missed.

My view was that the new baby and the birth is the responsibility of my husband and me as we're the ones that got us into this! We did ask if my mum would have our older son for a sleep over and our dog as we were having a homebirth and it made things logistically easier. But she was happy to help. As well as being an actual genuine help.

All that said, if she and my dad had a big holiday booked that happened to clash with the birth, I wouldn't have thrown my toys out of the pram. It's their life too! I'd have been fuming if my husband had booked to go to a festival that month but I had no expectation that anyone else put their lives on hold.

When my siblings were born we lived about 250 miles from our grandparents so one or another set would come to stay at our house when a new baby appeared, mostly to make sure the younger ones still had routine, went to school, brownies, had meals and all that. If you're staying in a hotel when you're there, what's happening with your other grandchild? Are they supposed to be with you at the hotel or?

Like I said, there needs to be a big chat about what's most useful, what their expectations are, and what you're able to give them support with. No harm in saying "I was about to book to go to (insert name of festival) and a trip to (insert name of country) but I'll do that next year instead".

I was birthing partner for my single bestie a couple of years ago and I overheard her a few months later saying to another friend that she'd not realised that asking me to do that meant I'd have to put a hold on doing anything else for the whole month just in case baby was a bit early. She was being lovely and was very grateful, she was just reflecting that she'd not clocked what a big commitment she was asking of me to not go on any holidays in my kids' summer hols and I didn't drink for the month as I wanted to be able to drive to her at any point just in case. I'm glad I did it and knew what I was signing up for, but sometimes the person asking for the help doesn't know fully the impact that it has on you unless you tell them.

Sorry for the essay!

BoogieTownTop · 07/04/2026 10:51

Unpaidviewer · 07/04/2026 10:48

Of course they will cope. Her DS would have to miss his child's birth and her DIL give birth alone. How lovely is that?

I wonder if the couple consulted OP on the want and timing of this new baby? If you are relying on someone so heavily, you need to be sure they are willing and available?

Gizzywizzywoo · 07/04/2026 10:52

Just to add thats assuming they want your help. If they have said they are having a baby bubble and want the first week or 2 to themselves then that is a different matter entirely
Speak to them and see what they want . My daughter had a bubble with no visitors ( apart from at the hospital the day she was born) till they said. First child wanting to settle into the new routine
Of course i wanted to be there but i left them to it. Had they asked for help id have been there ( which i wouldnt have been able to be if i was away for 2 weeks)

LauraJaneGrace · 07/04/2026 10:53

Unpaidviewer · 07/04/2026 10:48

Of course they will cope. Her DS would have to miss his child's birth and her DIL give birth alone. How lovely is that?

Why is he going to miss the birth? Who says she's gonna be alone?

Dil has a sister who lives two streets away with no kids. Dil has two parents. OP has been a constant help . Where are DILs family in this?

skippy67 · 07/04/2026 10:54

I'd go to the festival. They'll cope. Live your life!

HideousKinky · 07/04/2026 10:55

Ferguson0909 · 07/04/2026 07:53

Her parents are still alive.

So are her parents also providing support at the time of the birth?
Do they do so at other times or is it only you?

Ferguson0909 · 07/04/2026 11:04

HideousKinky · 07/04/2026 10:55

So are her parents also providing support at the time of the birth?
Do they do so at other times or is it only you?

Her dad took the baby for a walk around the block when he was a few days old.

OP posts:
usedtobeaylis · 07/04/2026 11:05

I'm interested in how you are taken for granted. How often do you visit? You say you stay in a hotel. You sound resentful but it's not really clear what the source of the resentment actually is.

Ferguson0909 · 07/04/2026 11:06

A couple of times they have watched peppa pig for about 10 minutes.

OP posts:
Unpaidviewer · 07/04/2026 11:06

LauraJaneGrace · 07/04/2026 10:53

Why is he going to miss the birth? Who says she's gonna be alone?

Dil has a sister who lives two streets away with no kids. Dil has two parents. OP has been a constant help . Where are DILs family in this?

She says in the OP that there are no other grandparents to help? And in another post that the sister maybe able to help until she arrives or that the DIL would have to go to the hospital alone. The OP makes them sound uninvolved. I don't think anyone of us are going to fully know what is going on. But it sounds like the DIL needs a lot of help at the moment.

Jllllllll · 07/04/2026 11:09

While I don’t think people should have to revolve their lives around their grandchildren, I had two babies with a similar age gap (19 months) and my in laws came to stay to be with my son while I was in hospital having my daughter. I would have found it very hard to leave him with anyone who wasn’t family as I think it’s quite a big ask. However if they have someone they can trust to leave their older child with it may be feasible.

Gloriia · 07/04/2026 11:13

Ferguson0909 · 07/04/2026 11:04

Her dad took the baby for a walk around the block when he was a few days old.

So even more reason not to pop on your jollies for 2 weeks when next dgc is due.

Namechangerage · 07/04/2026 11:13

Go to the festival next year. I wouldn’t want to miss out on seeing my grandchild.

Definitely address being taken for granted but like you say, not now. You could say to your son, I am not sure if you need me or not as you haven’t asked? And then if he says he assumed then flag it then. He can’t just assume you will drop everything all the time.

Why aren’t her parents around?

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 07/04/2026 11:15

Does your son have no paternity leave?

LameBorzoi · 07/04/2026 11:24

Gloriia · 07/04/2026 11:13

So even more reason not to pop on your jollies for 2 weeks when next dgc is due.

I think she's saying that the ILs aren't particularly useful?

It's frustrating for the OP, but there are some family members who can't be trusted to look after little kids. They don't have interest or relationship with the child.

In my experience, they want a relationship with the kid when the kid is older, but it's too late by then.

LameBorzoi · 07/04/2026 11:24

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 07/04/2026 11:15

Does your son have no paternity leave?

That doesn"t help him attend the delivery.

Firstbornunicorn · 07/04/2026 11:26

My MIL booked a holiday over DS' due date. This was our first child and her first grandchild. I would never have asked her not to go, but it did make me very sad that she didn't care enough to go another time. If there had been an emergency, she didn't care to be there for her son. I kept these thoughts to myself, but yes, it did upset me. She lives relatively nearby, too.

The good side was that it set the tone for what to expect and for any help to be on her terms only.

franklymydearscarlett · 07/04/2026 11:30

Just me but when I’m 70 I really hope I am needed by my DC to help with grandchildren!

rookiemere · 07/04/2026 11:31

It sounds like DILs DPs are as useless as she apparently is.
I would be there for them, but dial back on what can easily be outsourced like cleaning.

Pipsquiggle · 07/04/2026 11:31

LauraJaneGrace · 07/04/2026 10:37

Go to the festival.
They will cope. There's two of them.

Why are so many women so happy to advocate for putting themselves last?

Why should they take it for granted that grandmother's should drop everything? Like grandma has no life?

You help out quite a lot. They should be bloody grateful and not have the gall to expect you to sacrifice your life for theirs.

God, all these women convincing you not to go are making me SCREAM into my phone.

@LauraJaneGrace I think you are wrong. The festival will be there the following year.

My birth to DC2 was ruined and extremely stressful due to my PIL letting us down with childcare.

It did affect my future relationship with them.

@Ferguson0909 says she helps a lot when she is there but has also said she lives 350 miles away so she is hardly doing this on a daily or weekly basis.

Many posters have already advised to treat childcare around childbirth and how they take her for granted on other trips separately

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