AIBU to stop covering my husband when he runs out of money?

[Burgundyflower]

Hi there, slightly frustrated and just need some other point of views. So my husband and I distribute household bills - he sends me his share of the rent and I basically pay all the main household bills/subscriptions like council tax, water, gas/electric, broadband, TV, etc as well as my share of the rent and whatever other bits of bobs/loans. He earns a little more than me - aside from his share of the rent, he pays his car insurance, car finance, road tax, one loan repayment and is currently paying back a relative and he’s nearly finished. He also pays for petrol sometimes weekly sometimes fortnightly depending on how frequently he’s used the car. He’ll usually cover the groceries after being paid. Somehow he’s then always left with nothing very soon after payday and whatever he does have left he uses for gambling. I’m quite budget conscious and track my spending so I’m usually left with a reasonable amount after bills are paid. He usually asks me for money frequently and I don’t usually pay much attention to how much I’m giving until I realise that I completely run out - it’s gotten to the point where we’ve both run out and had not even enough for a pint of milk or toilet roll. I decided enough is enough and said I can’t keep covering him when he’s running out of money despite me covering all the main bills and he has to either start earning more or get better at budgeting. It’s hard because obviously it feels mean but his spending needs to be more structured.

So weird that it might not be true? He can hardly be the picture of rolling in it wealth. I’d doubt the veracity of this story, but you seem to be accepting it at face value even though you yourself know it makes no sense.

You can't "guarantee" it. You can highly suspect it.

It sounds like you haven't got children, OP. For god's sake do not become pregnant with this man.

Well, I’ve got access to his main bank account and nothing looks suspicious there. He’s also got another account and literally nothing happens there also. Which means either he’s got more accounts or everything is being done with cash.

You mentioned he’s borrowing off friends. Maybe he owes them back big time. Or loan sharks?

Does he gamble through an online app or at the bookies? If online, then you may have to persuade him to let you gave access to it. (Although he can always set up a new account elsewhere). If he’s reluctant to show you, then maybe you need to get tough and hint what’s at stake.

I'm really concerned that he just shuts you down when you try to discuss household finances, and he's quite happy to mooch off you in this way as well. It's not really any different him refusing to pay his half of the bills to him begging for cash.

He’s not your partner. He’s your child. No grown, cognitively able adult needs someone to manage their money for them. It’s pathetic. Do you have to manage his life in other ways too? Make his dentist and doctor appointments? Make sure he gets up on time? Wipe his arse and dress him? Has your vagina not shrivelled up and died being with him?

Divorce is the ending of the marriage contract. It doesn’t have to be about love or commitment. You could get divorced but stay living together and remain in the relationship. It would mean that your finances are then more separate. The longer you stay married to him, the more intertwined your finances are. So say he runs up 10,000 of debt of the next 10 years and then you divorce, you’ll have to pay 5.

Or credit cards.

It o makes quite a lot of sense.

Divorce (or a legal separation) divides your assets and protects them as your sole property. It also divides and assigns any debts.

I'm in the US (community property) and I know that debt is a bit different here than in the UK but I'll give you an 'IRL' example in what happened to parents of a friend. I'll call them 'Bob' and 'Ann' (not real names). Sorry, it's a long one.

Bob and Ann had been married over 50 years, then Bob developed a gambling addiction when a casino opened nearby. Ann only found out when she got to the mail first and there was a foreclosure notice. He insisted 'it must be a mistake' and not to worry about it. She called my friend who started digging. Their savings were gone. And in the intervening few years he had run up 10s of thousands of debt, took out mortgages on their paid for home (by forging her signature), and got credit cards in her name (again, forgery). All without her knowledge because he'd always handled the finances and she 'trusted him'.

And he kept on gambling.

Ann finally (at Friend's insistence) saw a lawyer who told her the best thing for her to do would be to divorce. That would allow her to divest herself of his debt, get the house, and guard what assets she might manage to build in the future. She took his advice and divorced Bob. She declined to have him prosecuted for forgery in exchange for accepting all the debt. He was so ordered and agreed to take his name off the house. They continued to live together as 'man and wife' until his death. Marriage didn't 'end their love' but it certainly protected Ann from further damage.

Now does it make sense why divorce might be a good choice? Again, I know UK handling of debt within a marriage can be different than here.

If it were me I would have a proper snoop when he’s not around. I know it’s wrong but I think in your situation having an illicit snoop of his email and phone would be a good idea if you can get your hands on it.

Why is your cut off point not just zero? If you pay most of the bills and he is getting through all his spare income you shouldn’t be subbing him anything at all. It’s not being heartless - it’s being sensible.

But he isn’t doing it responsibly is he? He’s leaving the family so short of cash that you can’t afford a pint of bloody milk by the end of the month!

Why would you be giving him any money at all?

Have you sat down and gone through your spending together to see what each of you is contributing to joint expenses? If he is actually contributing more than you, or more than an amount proportionate to income, then maybe you should be giving him a set amount each month. But it sounds like you are contributing far more, so giving him money to spend as he pleases is really unfair (and feeds his addiction). He should be giving you money to spend as you please.

If you have access to his bank, he earns more than you but contributes much less to the home, so where is his money going if it to gambling? he must have a fair bit of spends.

Sharing an account is the worst advice. I had a similar (now ex) DH but his vice was weed. He ended up running up huge amounts of debt - the only saving grace was my nae wasn’t tied to any of it, so wasn’t liable when bailiffs came nor when we came to divorce.

You need to look for the other loans. Keep digging.

He earns more than you do, but never had anything left just after pay day? Yeah, something isn’t adding up and you really need to look into it a lot more sternly than you have been.

He got upset did he? Poor baby. Asked to contribute his fair share to his living expenses.

OP... ffs ... why are you subbing him?

Do not be so stupid as to give him rent or let him be responsible for paying bills, that wont happen regularly.

OP I realise you dont want to accept how bad the problem is - but you also dont seem inclined to make the effort to check. Have you signed up to Property Alert? If not do so now. https://www.gov.uk/guidance/property-alert I handle most of our finances and I'm still signed up to it, why wouldnt you be.

Check both your credit records, go through his bank accounts and see how much he spent on gambling last year. Any unexplained cash withdrawals - that could mainly be gambling.

He's appearing to accept what you've said because he thinks he can get around you later and he doesnt want to lose all access to his cash machine.

Well you have taken a bit of a battering @Burgundyflower and no doubt you feel a bit bruised. Bottom line is you are not being unreasonable to not 'sub' him. At all. In fact you are starting to take back control and should be applauded. You might want to make it clear to him, in writing if he gets upset and defensive

• You can't afford to subsidise his gambling
• You are prioritising forward planning Good luck

Many years ago, there was a book about "submissive wives" that kicked up a storm on forums like this one. Even the author of that book though, said to walk away from men addicted to drugs, alcohol or gambling.

I'm sorry OP but I think that his gambling addiction is far bigger than you know. Somewhere he is racking up debts that you don't know about. While you are married your finances are considered joint even if you have separate accounts. You are going to suffer the consequences of these debts.

If he can't stop gambling then you really do need to separate yourself from him or he is going to drag you right down with him. I don't think he can stop. He is already unable to stop when he has run out of money and has accrued debts because of it.

Bank accounts have blocks that can be applied for gambling

the goal is to fix his mentality before his income

How are you planning to "fix his mentality"?

I'm so sorry OP, I really feel for you in this awful overwhelming situation. Gambling is not an attitude that can be reshaped. It's a compulsion. It can even be governed by brain chemistry, e.g. some of the dopamine agonists prescribed for Parkinson's disease are known to put patients at risk of gambling.

Until they invent a pill that reverses this kind of impulse control defect, there is not much you can do about it. Your only option is damage limitation.

Sorry I haven’t read all the responses but I’m shocked and couldn’t get past that he earns more than you and yet you’re paying most of the bills and then subbing him money as well!! This is not ok!!!
Hubs earns more than me and we pro rata bills so it’s proportionate. Food and holidays we pay 50:50. Home improvements we pro rata too.
I would guess he’s gambling far more than you realise to have no money left not long after he’s paid and probably the money you’re subbing him is for gambling too.