AIBU to stop covering my husband when he runs out of money?

[Burgundyflower]

Hi there, slightly frustrated and just need some other point of views. So my husband and I distribute household bills - he sends me his share of the rent and I basically pay all the main household bills/subscriptions like council tax, water, gas/electric, broadband, TV, etc as well as my share of the rent and whatever other bits of bobs/loans. He earns a little more than me - aside from his share of the rent, he pays his car insurance, car finance, road tax, one loan repayment and is currently paying back a relative and he’s nearly finished. He also pays for petrol sometimes weekly sometimes fortnightly depending on how frequently he’s used the car. He’ll usually cover the groceries after being paid. Somehow he’s then always left with nothing very soon after payday and whatever he does have left he uses for gambling. I’m quite budget conscious and track my spending so I’m usually left with a reasonable amount after bills are paid. He usually asks me for money frequently and I don’t usually pay much attention to how much I’m giving until I realise that I completely run out - it’s gotten to the point where we’ve both run out and had not even enough for a pint of milk or toilet roll. I decided enough is enough and said I can’t keep covering him when he’s running out of money despite me covering all the main bills and he has to either start earning more or get better at budgeting. It’s hard because obviously it feels mean but his spending needs to be more structured.

Get a joint account and pay for all your bills. Set some aside for shopping, petrol, savings if you can afford it. Then give yourselves an equal amount each to spend.
If you choose to save some of yours and he spends all of his then thats it. Money has gone.
My husband is dreadful with money but still wants nice holidays, cars, nights out etc. So I manage all the money (in a similar way to outlined above) and once his money is gone its tough! He spends a lot of his money buying food and coffee when hes out and about with work. I only work in the office twice a week but I always make food to take with me as I feel this is a waste of money. I feel he should do similar for the other 3 days so he doesn't fritter his money away

@ByUniqueViper I think
it was decided upthread that a joint access is no good for a gambler, because he can have access to the money.

Definitely setting up an account he can pay his share of the money into is a good idea though.

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Sorry OP, but unless he truly stops, or gets help, this is going to get worse.
Dont be that person that wakes up one normal morning to find court bailiffs at the door to take everything, he will take you down with him.

So does that account show all his income and show exactly where his earnings are going? I just don't understand how he is running out of money if he earns more than you and you are paying so many of the bills and incidental expenses.

I’m sorry this is happening Op, it’s very easy for people with perfect partners to cry divorce, but living it is a totally different ball game. I say this as someone who was financially abused/coerced for years, and 5 years later I’m close to having clawed my way back from it!

If you know how much he is earning and how much his outgoings are, it is probably worth creating an income and expenditure report as this will
show you exactly how much “spare money” is left over for him each month. You’ll then need to add on to that an estimate of how much you would have historically sent him in the past.
left over income + money from wife = actual gambling funds.

Marriage is a legal and financial arrangement to create an environment for the shared raising of children / running a shared household. It has FA to do with emotion.

Your H is financially incontinent and is not showing signs of taking this seriously. The only one who can fix this situation is him. One of the reasons people are telling you to consider divorce is to get legal and financial protection for your long term future to reduce the risk of this man ruining both of you.

His and her money sounds exhausting.

you are married not flat sharing.

why not pool your resources

As a minimal solution, he should transfer you money on pay day to cover his share of not only the rent but also other bills and household essentials like food. If he wants to gamble the rest away he can but at least you won't go hungry.

Because he can't be trusted not to gamble/spend the money she is contributing

It's not even likely that equation works out his true gambling funds, there may be money from friends, family, credit cards and loans that op doesn't even know about

pooling resources does not work when one person is an addict who would spend all the resources on their addiction. Great way to lose your home and when you finally leave them you'll be paying off their debts for years - or going bankrupt.

How much per month are you "lending" him for gambling? Do you get the winnings? Or just the joy of covering bills so he can waste the money he earns? He pays his proper amount to the bills from now on, his personal loan to family, was that to fritter away? Then that's his problem to pay back. Why does he think you save money to give him when he gambles his money away to point you have no money for milk? We have all been skint, it's hard keeping in top of everything, but one partner just throwing money away isnt sustainable

Can i just say, this is not normal

Somehow he’s then always left with nothing very soon after payday and whatever he does have left he uses for gambling

He should also set up a repayment plan for all the money he's had from OP to bail him out.

OP people aren’t saying get a divorce to separate, they’re saying it to protect yourself long term. If he has a gambling addiction which he evidently does and it’s more than he’s saying - as how can he borrow money off you, when he earns more and you’re paying the main bills? Gambling addicts are incredible liars. A relative of mine had an addiction, the partner was unaware for years. They lost their house. His debts will and can become your debts if married. Protecting yourself financially if he’s in deeper than you know or it escalates is simple.

Are you both paying into pensions? If years down the line you divorce and he’s blown it all gambling, he’s entitled to a portion of your pension - which you haven’t blown as you are saving. The fact he’s already got you into issues with not paying council tax and has bad credit too, also highlights further why you should completely protect yourself from having to repay his debt if and when the bailiffs come knocking.

Do you own your own home? I would also consider tenants in common instead of joint ownership. This way if he loses his share of the house then your half is protected.

Clearly the responses here have perhaps surprised you? You should really think here as this isn’t about love. He could love you immensely - his addiction will however take priority if push comes to shove. He will regret it after but the thrill of the chase when pushed will win unless he addresses it.

To answer your original question no you are definitely not unreasonable to say no to giving him money when he's hashed all his on things mostly solely for himself. He earns more than you yet he sits and watches you pay for everything that keeps your home running as it should. You pay all the priority bills whilst all he covers is a portion of rent and the car that he uses. My ex husband was like this he worked I didn't so all I got was the kids money like child tax and some working tax credits(before UC was fully rolled out in our area) yet I paid most of the rent with the housing benefit the gas electric water council tax internet etc with the tax credits. All he paid out of his wages was around £50 per month rent top up that housing benefit didn't cover and the netflix and Disney plus subscriptions despite earning enough to actually contribute more. He claimed he couldn't and that all of his wages went on transport to work. We split up due to other issues of infidelity on his part but I later found on an old phone of his that he was spending hundreds a month on porn sites and sending money to hookers in the Philippines as I found a receipt for transactions showing this. He sat and watched me struggle to pay for everything including all the food shopping to feed us and five kids too. It's purely selfish honestly.

Do you know how much the grocery bill is? I’m only asking as I pay for ours and it’s is astronomical? Far more than the council tax and electric / gas and water added together. Yours might not be spending anywhere near as much of course but it may be more than you realise if he sorts it. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to stop giving to him at the end of the month, especially if he’s been gambling. It’s quite a ‘normal’ thing h for the men in my family to gamble so I don’t feel shocked by people doing it but I think k it’s a problem if you can’t afford milk etc.

I'm confused - he earns more, pays less bills and has already run out of money a week into the month - and you believe he is only gambling £10-30 a week?!
You're burying your head in the sand if you can't see he has a problem. You need to get a full understanding of both of your finances and he needs to stop all gambling or this is going to get worse

Sounds like you’re married to an irresponsible teenage boy

He's getting defensive because hes gambling it all and he knows hes wrong . Stop giving him money once his is gone tough shit

Can you actually hear yourself? You are his cash cow. Why on earth would you be happy handing out money for him to gamble with? Stop doing this immediately. Tell him from now on he pays his way. How he reacts to this will depend on how confident he is that he can manipulate you. I mean he’s done pretty well up to now. You even say he earns more than you!!! This is insane.

You are enabling his gambling habit. Only you can stop that.

Please do not do what one person has said on here open a joint account don’t do it don’t do it. You’ll regret it if you do absolutely the last thing you should do with anybody.

You need to sit down and write out all household expenses (not personal loans etc) including food shop cost for the month. Divide it and that's what he gives you. If he earns more and you have money left there is no reason he needs to leech off you.
Tell him this is how it will be moving forward. Put all household money in one account to be used only for that.
Then what you have left is your personal money.

For only the OP to have access to.