AIBU to stop covering my husband when he runs out of money?

[Burgundyflower]

Hi there, slightly frustrated and just need some other point of views. So my husband and I distribute household bills - he sends me his share of the rent and I basically pay all the main household bills/subscriptions like council tax, water, gas/electric, broadband, TV, etc as well as my share of the rent and whatever other bits of bobs/loans. He earns a little more than me - aside from his share of the rent, he pays his car insurance, car finance, road tax, one loan repayment and is currently paying back a relative and he’s nearly finished. He also pays for petrol sometimes weekly sometimes fortnightly depending on how frequently he’s used the car. He’ll usually cover the groceries after being paid. Somehow he’s then always left with nothing very soon after payday and whatever he does have left he uses for gambling. I’m quite budget conscious and track my spending so I’m usually left with a reasonable amount after bills are paid. He usually asks me for money frequently and I don’t usually pay much attention to how much I’m giving until I realise that I completely run out - it’s gotten to the point where we’ve both run out and had not even enough for a pint of milk or toilet roll. I decided enough is enough and said I can’t keep covering him when he’s running out of money despite me covering all the main bills and he has to either start earning more or get better at budgeting. It’s hard because obviously it feels mean but his spending needs to be more structured.

Exactly that, as he doesn't sound like he could be trusted.

Personally, I don't think I could stay with someone who was financially irresponsible. I'm too risk aware and financially very careful.

You have to track all funds leaving your joint account.
Have just one account. Track debits every day.
Do not pay for anything in cash.
You have to be in control of the money please.
You cannot afford to waste money. No one can.
All the best.

I would have been GONE the second after I'd read tge court letter!!!! Leave him now before he takes you down with him. Make sure he's not taken any credit out in your name and then go. This will not get any better ,I've seen it as a child of a man like that

And to add, divorce is the minimum you should be considering as any debt is joint debt so to protect yourself you need to cut ties financially as soon as possible. You're so oblivious to financial ruination that awaits you.

You are right not to keep bailing him out. He is earning more than you and is likely a person who incorrectly equates earning more with working harder. As a result, he resents sharing 'his' money and even being asked to budget with 'his' money. That is why it is impossible to have a reasonable conversation about money without, as you describe, him getting 'defensive'. It is a form of financial abuse because you are unable/fearful to raise discussions about money, which is pretty key in a partnership and end up suffering financially as a result. Sorry I have no help to offer, other than you have my sympathy OP and it is not your fault. I can also only suggest that you build up your own savings for security because your partner is not going to ever be able to put money aside because he sees it as his own and to be spent as he wants. That type of person sees no benefit to themselves of putting money they have earnt to one side for future benefit of themselves, but especially not for the benefit of others potentially.

Your basically paying for the gambling

The gambling has to stop. And you're quite right about not giving him money when he earns more than you.

Him getting support with gambling is step one. As adults, either you share everything, or you each have your own, sort out whatever you want to be joint and stick to it-this set up feels more like a parent giving a child money. Not being mean, but it can't feel good for a spouse to be asking for, or giving each other money.

I'm late to the party here @Burgundyflower but as a gambling addict I hope my tuppence worth helps. It sounds (screamingly loudly) that the gambling has gone from a bit of fun to a problem that he needs to face up to.
Your update of him getting friend to send him money to gamble for them is really screaming red flag alarm warning sounds, he needs to gamble so badly he's doing it even when he isn't getting the financial benefit if he wins, assuming he wins. It sounds like it's tripped into chasing losses territory which is how gambling addiction usually begins and how the gambling industry makes so much money.
I see you've now stopped giving him handouts which is a great start but I urge you to get support as the partner of a gambling addict and urge him to get support to manage his gambling addiction, anything else financial, budgets, savings etc can't be sorted until his addiction is managed
Good luck

OP, you are doing brilliantly to have realised the problem and taken the first step in refusing to give him money. If sone of the responses seem extreme here its because many people on mumsnet have bitter first hand experience of how damaging a gambling addiction is, not only to the person gambling but to everyone around them. And its clear from your posts that DH doesn't want to change, at least at the moment. He doesn't take up ant practical suggestions, gets defensive, has lied to you and spends any money he can get his hands on. It sounds as if you want to see how things pan out with putting your foot down. Please just be careful and try and protect yourself in case that doesnt work out. If he changes, great. If not, we'll, be in as good a position as you can be.

Another gambler. The only person who stop is the addict. I bet he's not paying bills, I bet he gambles his winnings, I bet he thinks it's under control. Things will get worse.

You need to divorce otherwise he will ruin you financially.

He shouldn't be doing any gambling or other spending until his debts and bills are paid every month. Then he can see that as spare cash. You need to get his pay every month and pay off debts if he needs it to be managed for him, but it's all a bit hard on you to pay for everything and manage his finances too. My friend ended up responsible for her boyfriend's debt on their joint credit card and it took her years to pay it off alone - look after yourself.

You need to sit down together and list all the monthly expenses and then agree together how you will split them. If he runs out of money for "fun stuff" after he's paid his lot then tough.

You need to set up a joint bank account just for paying shared bills and rent and each contribute the same or an agreed amount every month. You each retain your own bank account where your salary is paid and personal loans, car finance, credit cards etc are paid out of this. What you have left is your own to spend as you wish. If he runs out of money then as you say, he needs to get a better paid job or learn to live within his means. Stop subbing him.

He sounds 100% useless

Given his gambling problem, it is better for OP to keep their finances separate. He doesn't need to get help with his addiction OP, as long as you continue to fund it for him. You need to start saying no, and mean it. I hate to say this but you should also hide your purse or lock it away.

Awful advice. Do not pool your resources, he has a gambling addiction. You will have no resources left.

Have you checked your Credit Score OP. It might be an idea to make sure no loans/credit cards have been taken out in your name.

Gambling on behalf of someone else is fraud.

£30 a week would mean you're giving him £1500 a year!

It's good he seems to be accepting you'll no longer be giving him any money. That's a positive step forward, but hopefully it won't lead to him getting into debt. He will just have to learn to live within his means.

As someone who was married to a gambler, cut him off. It feels mean but he is spending your hard earned wealth feeding a mental illness. Just because he is ill doesn't mean you have to be dragged down too. Good luck - it's a shit show navigating a gambler who you love

HE needs to sort this out - HE needs to give YOU more money to get that debt cleared. Again, you should not be dragged down by his behaviour

Why have you stayed in this marriage for so long with this man!

Ah love. I’m so sorry.

He’s a gambler.

Why are you with him?

This with bells on. Its clearly problematic if he is using money which is needed for petrol or other household expenses. I think you need to manage the money for a while and he needs to get treatment. I hope he sees his gambling as a problem, but I would guess he does not. In which case you may wish to get support for yourself - there are several charities which support the affected others of people who gamble.