AIBU to stop covering my husband when he runs out of money?

[Burgundyflower]

Hi there, slightly frustrated and just need some other point of views. So my husband and I distribute household bills - he sends me his share of the rent and I basically pay all the main household bills/subscriptions like council tax, water, gas/electric, broadband, TV, etc as well as my share of the rent and whatever other bits of bobs/loans. He earns a little more than me - aside from his share of the rent, he pays his car insurance, car finance, road tax, one loan repayment and is currently paying back a relative and he’s nearly finished. He also pays for petrol sometimes weekly sometimes fortnightly depending on how frequently he’s used the car. He’ll usually cover the groceries after being paid. Somehow he’s then always left with nothing very soon after payday and whatever he does have left he uses for gambling. I’m quite budget conscious and track my spending so I’m usually left with a reasonable amount after bills are paid. He usually asks me for money frequently and I don’t usually pay much attention to how much I’m giving until I realise that I completely run out - it’s gotten to the point where we’ve both run out and had not even enough for a pint of milk or toilet roll. I decided enough is enough and said I can’t keep covering him when he’s running out of money despite me covering all the main bills and he has to either start earning more or get better at budgeting. It’s hard because obviously it feels mean but his spending needs to be more structured.

It sounds like you’re giving him too much free rein. You need to work out how much half of the rent and half of all bills & food is and you both pay this into the joint account each month - no discussion - and then you each have whatever is left to spend in non-shared expenses. Don’t give/lend him anything any more as he can’t be trusted to budget and he is undermining your efforts to keep you both afloat.
If he won’t agree to this then you need to consider your future very carefully as I imagine it is more than £10-£30 that is being gambled and he will just drag you down with him if he won’t try and get a grip in his finances now.

I would be worried about paying half the bill and rent money into a joint account and that money depleting before the payments went out, if I was OP

However defensive he gets, this cannot continue. As some previous posters suggested, at a minimum all shared bills come from a shared account where you both pay 50/50 into and then you have your own money left for you own spends - and to build up savings in your case. If he can’t commit to this, genuinely I would suggest to divorce so that you can financially keep yourself safe from his inevitable debts.
You don’t mention how old you are. Do you intend to have children? How will this work if you are now at the point of struggling for milk at the end of the month? If he can’t get control of this you really have to financially separate before he drags you with him.

I wouldn’t have a shared account with this man. You can guarantee that when he started to run short of his own money he’d dip into the shared account. Maybe thru have an account that they pay in 50:50 to, for household expenses, but in this case it should be in OPs name only.

I also wouldn’t risk my credit score financially linking myself to him with a shared account

I agree. I wouldn’t feel comfortable putting money in account he has access to. He usually sends me money to keep for him if he’s got anything important planned because he doesn’t trust himself to not spend it.

Next conversation you need to say I’m going to talk and you’re going to listen. If you get defensive and angry or stomp out then we may be over. I do not want to live hand to mouth. It makes me unhappy to have run out of money before the end of the month. I will not have this my future due to your careless spending. Ive worked so hard to help you, to communicate with you, and I’ve realised I’m taking on all the responsibility of making our life work and you’re just haha sucks to be you, it’s just so boring to think about that money shit and I know you’ll always bail me out. That wife is gone, pretend she’s dead, she might as well be. If that’s the only wife you want then your marriage is over. I want a husband who’s my partner. From today don’t ask me for money. Make your own finances work. I may decide we need counselling if our marriage is going to survive. I have a lot of thinking to do. Many many relationships end because of different views on finance, it’s really important to a relationship. You aren’t keeping your vows if you’re just a passenger in our marriage financially and I’m over it. There are two options only- it changes or we are over.

Well, divorce is quite extreme - why’s that always an option? I didn’t say he isn’t hardworking, he does provide when he’s able to but I’ve also recognised that he clearly has a problem with budgeting and clearly gambling. I think with support he can sort it out.

@Burgundyflower do you have children? He sounds a bit chaotic & like an extra teenager to look after. I think you should be clear & refuse to lend again. He’s obviously used to it.

Can he not do this with all his money? He sends you all his money on payday and you send him money back each week or twice a week to force him to budget.

we had huge problems with our staff when we moved from weekly to monthly pay as many of our staff couldn’t budget- there are actually companies that offer weekly drawdown as a service now so many companies have moved to monthly payroll.

i know you shouldn’t have to do this, but you can’t keep living as you are.

Divorce is extreme and it shouldn't be your first option but if it isn't on the table, especially with something like a gambling problem, you are less likely to be able to make the changes you need to. He needs to know you won't accept things continuing.

All that he contributes is half the rent, you pay the other half plus all the bills yet he earns more??
You think he only gambles £10/30pw, where do you think the rest of his wages go?
Im sorry but you’re being taken for a mug by an addict.

My DH is a spender but not a gambler. All our money gets allocated within a day or two of payday or else he thinks he has money to spend. We lowered our credit card limit as well because he’d spend it all. But it only worked when he woke up to how serious it is for our future. This could be more of his going straight to bills or debt but then you expecting he’ll need 20 later.

As you both earn roughly the same, there is a simple solution. You open a separate current account for paying all the bills and each pay in half the total each month. He doesn’t have access to the account but has the rest of his wages to spend as he likes. Don’t lend him any cash during the month.
If he can’t manage to stick to that arrangement then I would seriously look at ending the relationship.

He's gambling much more than you think he is. You're being naive.

You can still remain in a couple if you wish even after a divorce but as long as you are married, you are financially tied. He would have a claim on any savings and assets you manage to build up and all the debts he builds up will be taken into consideration in dividing assets should you separate down the line. Honestly, to protect yourself against a gambling addict, it is for your own safety. You can offer to remarry as soon as he can prove to you he has kicked the addiction.
The point is, right now you cannot even discuss the matter now without him getting defensive. Divorce is not the first place to go no, but I talked about a separate account for joint bill paying and if he could not commit to this then yes that is what I would do.

“whatever he does have left he uses for gambling”

I stopped reading the original post here, sorry. A gambler will always put their habit before other things and if he’s asking for small amounts of money “for food” or other excuses just know it’s going on his habit. I’m also doubting you are aware of the extent of this gambling issue, especially as you were led to believe the council tax was being paid when it wasn’t. Do NOT continue to cover this man’s expenses or “lend” him money.

Madness to suggest a joint account with a gambler

With support, absolutely he may be able to sort it out. But there are two major caveats to that; the support has to come from someone trained in helping people stop gambling, and he has to want to stop gambling.

So far, it doesn’t sound like he even wants to discuss his monthly budget with you, let alone stop gambling. And whilst I don’t doubt that you would do anything to help him, your support is simply not enough. He’s an addict. And the thing with addiction is that, left to fester, it’s only going to get more severe. Now you’ve had a very brief brush with that over the council tax. What happens when he stops paying the car insurance and gets pulled over? Or worse, has an accident? Or the car gets repossessed because he’s missed a few payments? What happens when he dips into the rent money, certain he’ll win it back, then he has to go borrowing money from the sort of people who don’t care whether or not you can afford to pay it back, or that you have separate finances.

That is why divorce is an option. Personally, I’d be giving him the chance to attend Gamblers Anonymous before presenting him with divorce papers. But if he’s already at the stage he is, this isn’t going to get better without professional help.

You're not at all unreasonable.

I would strongly object to the gambling, nobody needs to gamble and people generally lose a heck of a lot more than they win.

Divorce him before he starts getting you into debt too.

Divorce is extreme but so is an addiction. Have a look through Mumsnet at all the threads where women are married to addicts. None of those threads are light reading.

Gambling involves finances such as borrowing beyond affordability, multiple credit cards, pay day loans, bankruptcy, fraud. As you are married, this will affect you, too.

Right now, get credit reports from all the agencies in your name and in your husband’s name.

Second, download the forms for divorce and get ahead of the crash that will be your marriage.

Third. Contraception must be rock solid.

Your husband might be married to you but in now way does he consider you a partner. You are an appliance to him that provides a roof, cash and warms his bed.

And if he was an alcoholic or a drug addict squandering money on his substance of choice would you still feel that way? Gambling is no different. It's doing something that gives them a 'thrill' and not caring who they hurt or what the detriment is to their family.

With support he can sort it out? Yes, with professional support. But YOU aren't going to be able to change him. And he has to want to change and it's apparent that he doesn't.

Stop bailing him out by all means. I predict his next move will be opening credit cards or doing payday loans. After all, he's an addict who needs his fix.

@Burgundyflower he has a gambling addiction. Your story is what happened to a friend of mine. They eventually ended up £50k in debt. You are married, you need to ensure you are financially safe and that whatever he does you won’t end up liable for his debt.

Gambling? it would be end of marriage for me. Too risky.

Why aren’t you telling him he has to stop gambling all your money and his away?!!!!