AIBU to stop covering my husband when he runs out of money?

[Burgundyflower]

Hi there, slightly frustrated and just need some other point of views. So my husband and I distribute household bills - he sends me his share of the rent and I basically pay all the main household bills/subscriptions like council tax, water, gas/electric, broadband, TV, etc as well as my share of the rent and whatever other bits of bobs/loans. He earns a little more than me - aside from his share of the rent, he pays his car insurance, car finance, road tax, one loan repayment and is currently paying back a relative and he’s nearly finished. He also pays for petrol sometimes weekly sometimes fortnightly depending on how frequently he’s used the car. He’ll usually cover the groceries after being paid. Somehow he’s then always left with nothing very soon after payday and whatever he does have left he uses for gambling. I’m quite budget conscious and track my spending so I’m usually left with a reasonable amount after bills are paid. He usually asks me for money frequently and I don’t usually pay much attention to how much I’m giving until I realise that I completely run out - it’s gotten to the point where we’ve both run out and had not even enough for a pint of milk or toilet roll. I decided enough is enough and said I can’t keep covering him when he’s running out of money despite me covering all the main bills and he has to either start earning more or get better at budgeting. It’s hard because obviously it feels mean but his spending needs to be more structured.

By that I take it you're referring to the husband? Who thinks his money is his and the OP's money is his too? So he shouldn't be married?

But somehow I don't think that's what you meant.

“Fair play” pigs arse.

He lies to his family. He lies to his friends. He lies to you.

Love bombing. That’s what it is. You are being love bombed. Any thread on here will show you that an addict will tell you anything you would like to hear because you being happy keeps them comfortable. But it’s not the truth.

To come on here and open yourself and your relationship to the vixens here takes guts. And it shows that you are unhappy in your marriage and that you couldn’t put your finger on why. Unfortunately for you, the answer hasn’t been what you hoped for. And we know that’s a very difficult position to be in. You have to work hard mentally and emotionally to realise that your life as you know it is finished, a new life for you is in front of you but also that the hard work is about to start.

I feel for you and send you hugs.

Your DP is not gambline £10 a week. The reason finances don't add up is because he is gambling every single spare penny he has and your spare pennies and I'd guess his friends spare money and possibly even borrowed money. You are making excuses for him (isn't it great he finally looks to pay off a relative even if it's been really slow because he gambles all his money away) and enabling him (giving him money and paying more than your fair share of bills). It looks like you are also lying to yourself about the extent of the problem. It am sorry but this is going to be very painful when you finally realise how bad it is.

If you are married, your husband can easily incur debts which YOU are liable for. That’s why previous posters have suggested that you would be safer protecting yourself by getting a divorce until your husband admits he has a problem and properly addresses it. It doesn’t mean you don’t love one another, but it does mean that your husband can’t financially ruin you if his addiction worsens or it transpires he’s hiding a much more significant problem.

He earns more than you - you should not be giving him a penny. Have you kept an account of the money you’ve lent him, and has he got a plan in place for paying you back?

Can you not see getting upset and trying to deflect signals that he may not be telling you the whole truth about why he is unable to contribute. I would be asking him to show you his credit report, you know he's already been taking money from you, family and friends. He may have other bank loans you don't know about. I would be asking him to sign into his credit report and show that there's nothing further he's hiding. It will not be £10-£30 a week he's spending if he has minimal bills he's paying and he's still borrowing money from people

I said fair play because he actually sends me the money back that he owes the relative and I then send it to them. I’ve been keeping track of how much he owes her and that’s why I know how much he has left. Id initially made this post because I felt a bit bad about categorically saying no when he asked for money last night but I don’t feel guilty any more.

He can’t even get loans, his credit score isn’t great.

I haven’t been keeping track of how much I give him, obviously I can just check my bank statement but Ive just decided moving forward that once bills are paid and fridge/cupboard is stocked, that’s it.

Honestly I’m shocked you are so naive and also so committed to living in land delulu. Every time you post it gets worse and worse. He’s got no credit rating. Do you not have life plans? Like to buy a house?

People can get loans with no credit rating... they are just terrible sharky loans. You have to be desperate, like a problem gambler might be.

Which why you need to divorce him. Don't think for one minute he won't start taking loans out in your name when you stop giving him money.

You both need to put the same amount into a joint bank account ... he needs to learn to manage his finances better. Or maybe you give him rent and he sorts out the bills

His friends aren’t giving him money to gamble for them. That is not a thing. If his friends want to gamble they can easily do it themselves. I am guessing you’re only scratching the surface now. I suspect you’re going to find a plethora of maxed out credit cards and payday loans. You’re giving him maybe £100 a month yet he earns more than you, and only pays bills? No rent or mortgage? Something isn’t adding up and I have an awful feeling you’re about to find a big hole in your finances that goes by the name of Shergar.

that means he doesn't believe you

So he is only actually paying back his relative because you are forcing him to. He can’t be trusted to send her the money himself you have had to step in!

Can you really not see how problematic this is?

He's 100% gambling more than £10-30 per week. He earns more than you, you cover all the bills plus your other expenses and have money left over ,he pays for his own expenses only and has no money left so where’s it going?
What did he do with the council tax money? He gambled it away, like he’s gambling all his money away while spouting off rubbish about his friends sending him money.

He’s taken longer to pay it off but he’s only got like £200 or so left to pay so fair play to him considering his poor money management so it’s showing there’s some level of commitment.

I said fair play because he actually sends me the money back that he owes the relative and I then send it to them.

OP despite all the replies on here, all saying the same thing, you still seem to want to think of him as a financially bumbling bloke - just not very good with money. Please open your eyes to the reality of what he's doing, because he knows exactly what he's doing.

it’s a bit overwhelming when people are just writing the same thing about “get a divorce”, “separate”, “get a joint account” “don’t get a joint account”. And being called naive or similar things. Obviously my post doesn’t paint the full picture and I understand that. It’s not as black and white as it seems .

He may not know exactly what he's doing". He may be hard working, loving, kind, well meaning and amazing, but not acknowledging what's under the surface. He may be quietly and subconsciously heading for the crash.

I have said on other threads, someone who has an addiction can be the best most wonderful partner - because you're not seeing the whole of them just the presentable side. This makes it really hard to believe there is anything else going on.

He’s going to have huge debts you don’t know about - I can guarantee it. His friends are not giving him money to gamble , that makes no sense at all. You need to have a come to Jesus conversation with him or accept you are comfortable with the situation.

Also understand as per your last post OP, you may not have put all the info on here and hidden some factors so we are barking up the wrong tree. If you are sure you know where every penny has gone and there are no hidden loans or mysterious things that don't quite fit, then you're good. xx

This is actually a thing. Clearly his friendship group are all into gambling. If someone gets blocked from an online site it's the norm to ask a mate to place bets for you on your account.
I wouldn't do it, but plenty do.
Op, I think my issue would be the consistent running out of money, whose paying for what, and what's being prioritised if money is tight. Doesn't feel like you've been working as a team financially. Fine to allocate money as fun money but only after all bills are paid. Good that he's open to budgeting with you.

He might not be able to get loans with a good interest rate, but he'll probably be able to get high interest loans, why don't you want to ask him to show you his credit report while you're discussing the budgeting, so you can at least reassure yourself that you can see the whole picture. When was the last time you checked your own credit report? Gamblers are also well know for using their partners details to apply for loans, I'd be keeping an eye on your own report also
Why has he got such a terrible credit rating as far as you know?

I think the fact that he's defensive when you bring up money is a problem - you need to be able to have a grown up adult conversation about money with your partner.

This is all overwhelming and you'll be getting a lot of knee jerk responses on here - but if you have anyone you can talk to in real life that might help you see the full picture.

Oh and also this. You need to do some digging op because it's very unlikely that he's only gambling £15-30 if it's creating the level of issue you're experiencing and bills are going unpaid. I'd be trying to get a full look at his phone, his wallet and statements for all accounts. You need to know exactly what you're working with here and how deep this runs. Any addict will initially lie about the scale of the shit they're in because it means not having to face up to the issue and make changes. Unfortunately it's part of the process but as a partner living with that it means you're in the dark and that's dangerous for your own security.