AIBU to stop covering my husband when he runs out of money?

[Burgundyflower]

Hi there, slightly frustrated and just need some other point of views. So my husband and I distribute household bills - he sends me his share of the rent and I basically pay all the main household bills/subscriptions like council tax, water, gas/electric, broadband, TV, etc as well as my share of the rent and whatever other bits of bobs/loans. He earns a little more than me - aside from his share of the rent, he pays his car insurance, car finance, road tax, one loan repayment and is currently paying back a relative and he’s nearly finished. He also pays for petrol sometimes weekly sometimes fortnightly depending on how frequently he’s used the car. He’ll usually cover the groceries after being paid. Somehow he’s then always left with nothing very soon after payday and whatever he does have left he uses for gambling. I’m quite budget conscious and track my spending so I’m usually left with a reasonable amount after bills are paid. He usually asks me for money frequently and I don’t usually pay much attention to how much I’m giving until I realise that I completely run out - it’s gotten to the point where we’ve both run out and had not even enough for a pint of milk or toilet roll. I decided enough is enough and said I can’t keep covering him when he’s running out of money despite me covering all the main bills and he has to either start earning more or get better at budgeting. It’s hard because obviously it feels mean but his spending needs to be more structured.

Agree with this. Your replies indicate that you are responsible for the bills as he could not be trusted to pay them, which is concerning. Also concerning is that he owes money for a loan and to a family member, whilst you also have a loan. That's not necessarily an issue, but for someone who cannot be trusted to pay for things - are you sure these things are being properly repaid?

I'd sort a spreadsheet with all joint bills, show it to him, ensure to get half from him into the joint account each month by standing order, and check his direct debits for anything not joint are actually being paid. After that, his own money can be for him to spend but do not give him any more. He's wasting family money on things that you are not benefitting from (eg saving for a joint purchase, holiday, days out etc).

Personally I could not live like this, with the anxiety of bills not being paid and knowing that my husband just wants to borrow off me all the time with little thought to what we or I also need/want to do with our money. It does not sound like he's ready to change his behaviour so are you prepared to live like this forever?

Edited to say I would perhaps actually not risk a joint account. But point still stands to get half from him of joint bills and expenditure, ensure he's paying his own debts and hasn't accumulated any more and see what's left. I imagine it's not much

Take a moment to to think about the fact that you cannot trust your life partner to not steal from a pot of money that's required to keep a roof over your head.* *

...

I mean, really think about that. You wouldn't leave the car with the keys in the ignition overnight either, but at least you would expect it to be stolen by a random scumbag who doesn't give a shit about you.

Then the next step is to leave him

do you not realise this addiction will take you down financially he will owe thousand to credit and family/ friends . I guarantee there are secrets you don't know about yet.

this is a serious addiction and he cant just stop by himself

two words really

He gambles.

Apologies - I actually managed to miss the info in the OP about the gambling . Of course @Burgundyflower shouldn't have a joint account with this 'man'. She should be getting rid of him.

If he earns more money, he will just spend more money. That isn't a fix.

He is unwilling to recognise he has a gambling problem. Even if it is "only" 30quid a week (and I doubt it), the fact he is running out of money for essentials and his household is unable to buy milk or toilet roll means he cannot afford to be staffing 30 quid away on gambling (or any other hobby).
The fact he is unwilling and unable to stop shows he has a gambling problem.

Unless he accepts this and looks for help to change, nothing will improve, even if your household income rises.

Kindly, you need to recognise that the situation you are in is not normal and not ok. He is an adult - you are trying to wheedle and gently persuade him into spending responsibly like you would with a seven year old and their pocket money.

When you say he pays for his car, do you have your own car to pay for, or is this the one family car, even if it belongs technically to him?

I think you should be paying an equal share of absolutely every outgoing that benefits both of you. All the rent and utilities, grocery bills, streaming subscriptions, shared takeaways, joint car expenses etc should be split equally. Anything he wants that is of no benefit to you he can fund himself, like his clothes and hobbies, and you pay for your own. Then if he wants to gamble what he has left that's up to him, but given he earns more, you absolutely DO NOT lend him money or pay for more than your fair share of general expenses. Just get a backbone and tell him no.

OP, please don’t have children with a man who wastes his money on gambling and expects you to subsidise him. Of course he gave up his extra job: why should he work when he can sponge off you?

Please don’t get a joint account either. He will help himself from that.

Really, I believe there is more wrong in your marriage than you think.

If it was me, the only way I’d be staying in this marriage is if he gave me sole control of his money that covered all his share of bills plus savings for an emergency fund. Anything over this amount, well I suppose it’s his to do as he wishes with but I wouldn’t be happy with him gambling with it in your situation. And I certainly wouldn't be giving him more to throw away.

One of my parents enjoyed gambling - but the difference is they studied their subject, and only bet when they were as certain as possible that it would be successful. Quite large sums at times, but this was ‘spare’ fun money, no debts, not money that should have been earmarked for other things.
I’d be issuing ultimatums in your shoes OP.

As others have said, the gambling is the problem here. Sooner or later, he will leave you with far worse problems than not being able to afford milk.

I know it seems like Mumsnet always says 'LTB' and jumps to divorce as the solution to everything, but genuinely, staying married to a gambler is going to end in tears unless he gets professional help for the problem. He's an addict like any other. Good luck with it.

I don’t understand how or why you’re living together and earning a similar amount yet he’s somehow getting away with only paying for his own individual bills and a share towards rent. Why isn’t he also paying a share towards utilities? It makes no sense at all. The bills should be split down the middle in your situation. He also likely has a gambling addiction if he’s running dry each month and you can’t figure out how or why.

If you have no children, just save yourself and divorce him now. Don't forget he will get half your savings in a divorce.sooner is better than later.

You need to write out all the expenses you each have and what's left over. You have listed a pile of bills you pay each each but the figures are what matter.

It is very easy to spend 30 pound on lunches out or coffees/snacks, so I wouldn't immediately jump to a gambling problem.
You both need to be open and honest about where each of your money is going. If he has a sufficient amount left over each week and then is asking for you to pay then say no, but if he is scraping by and wants 30 pounds for a family takeaway then it might be a yes from time to time.
Prices are going up and you may have to adjust how much you both pay towards different things.
If you know he is running up huge gambling debts then my advice would be different.

The thing is, if he's running out of money after paying for the relatively small amount of things he does pay for, and still asking you to subsidise him, then he's not providing "when he's able to" - he's providing roughly when he feels like it, if he doesn't decide to use the money for gambling first. He should be paying half towards all joint expenses, including food, clothes, holidays etc, and there should be no question of you ever subsidising him.

Will he be willing to access support to sort himself out?

Gambling and in debt. Seriously OP, leave him now. This will never get better.

My worry would be that if you refuse to give him money (as you rightly should) then he will get into debt to finance his gambling habit and drag you down slowly with him.

I’d rather divorce and walk away than have my livelihood ruined by a gambling addict.

You are paying the majority of the bills, because if you didn't and it was left up to your husband, the bills wouldn't be paid. Only, you're still bailing him out each month, which in turn is making you have no money by the end of the month either.

You are married to a gambling addict. His gambling habit will come before anything else in his life. The fact you're bailing him out and his addiction is effecting you, won't bother him.

You have choices: carry on as you are, stop bailing him out or stop bailing him out and divorcing.

You can ask him to seek help until you're blue in the face, but if he doesn't want to stop, he won't seek help. His addiction is the same as drugs or alcohol, it's really no different.

My grandfather was a gambler, and so is my BIL. I can tell you, that however much you THINK your husband is spending on his habit, it will be much much more and far worse than you think.

Divorce is “always an option” because quite simply divorce IS always an option. This man is in debt, he has a gambling problem, he refuses to get help, he gets defensive when you want to talk about it. Gambling is an addiction, and like any addiction the addicted person needs to want to change for the situation to ever get better. He doesn’t want to change. Your marriage is doomed, sorry.

All this talk of restricting his money - he isn’t a child spending all his pocket money on sweets. He’s a grown man. He should be able to manage his own finances. He can’t and he’ll drag you down with him. Leave him.

Oh and by the way, addicts lie. And they steal. Because the most important thing to them is their addiction. Not you. Not their family. Not their friends. Their addiction.

He's a gambler.
You will always live hand to mouth until he drags you into the gutter with him.
Its what gamblers do.
I so hope you don't have children with him.
Divorce is a very very reasonable suggestion when it comes to gamblers.

Then you need to stop enabling his gambling by giving him extra money. Insist on a joint account for household bills, which you pay an equal amount into, with everything going out by direct debit (no cards) and then he can do what he wants with his own money. If he won't agree to that, you really need to split up, for own sake.

You are being incredibly niave if you think that an addict will easily give up their addiction if they get a bit of support.

Addiction is very complicated and the sad fact is that almost 50% of gambling addicts who admit they have a problem and enrol in a recovery programme will still relapse within a year and carry on gambling.

If your husband isn’t being completely honest about the extent of his gambling, then it’s a non starter and nothing you do or say will ever fix this.

How many ££££’s and years of your life are you willing to throw away before you accept defeat? My dad was an addict and my mum was forever scrabbling around trying to ensure the mortgage was paid and we had enough food. There were no family holidays during my childhood (other than me having to stay with grandparents during school holidays) whilst she worked 2 jobs trying to make ends meet. I wish she’d had the courage to leave him when I was little.

Divorce the gambler

I’d have a massive ick for a spouse with a gambling problem! It won’t improve.

I don’t usually jump on the LTB bandwagon, but do you really want to be tied to someone like this for the rest of your life?

He also quit a second job because it was “too hard”. He sounds like a loser.

Wouldn’t be ‘covering’ anyone who gambled.