AIBU to stop covering my husband when he runs out of money?

[Burgundyflower]

Hi there, slightly frustrated and just need some other point of views. So my husband and I distribute household bills - he sends me his share of the rent and I basically pay all the main household bills/subscriptions like council tax, water, gas/electric, broadband, TV, etc as well as my share of the rent and whatever other bits of bobs/loans. He earns a little more than me - aside from his share of the rent, he pays his car insurance, car finance, road tax, one loan repayment and is currently paying back a relative and he’s nearly finished. He also pays for petrol sometimes weekly sometimes fortnightly depending on how frequently he’s used the car. He’ll usually cover the groceries after being paid. Somehow he’s then always left with nothing very soon after payday and whatever he does have left he uses for gambling. I’m quite budget conscious and track my spending so I’m usually left with a reasonable amount after bills are paid. He usually asks me for money frequently and I don’t usually pay much attention to how much I’m giving until I realise that I completely run out - it’s gotten to the point where we’ve both run out and had not even enough for a pint of milk or toilet roll. I decided enough is enough and said I can’t keep covering him when he’s running out of money despite me covering all the main bills and he has to either start earning more or get better at budgeting. It’s hard because obviously it feels mean but his spending needs to be more structured.

Two things. Its not budgeting that's a problem, its GAMBLING. I don't know if he can sort it out or not, what I do know is that he has to want to do it, really and consistently want to do it, and for the most part, it needs specialist support which you are not. Its your choice what you do, but what you are planning to do is unlikely to help.

My DH and I enjoy the occasional trip to the casino and the odd sports bet. Our rule is only spend cash. Occasionally I get cash in hand for tutoring, he gets cash in hand as he does odd jobs, yes we declare our cash in hand before someone asks I’m too much of a wuss for tax dodging. As a recreational gambler, it really does sound like he has a serious issue. These kind of gamblers often hide things. I think you should have a proper look at his finances because there’s probably more than you know about.

I’m not anti gambling, I really do think you can do it responsibly and it can be super fun, but your husband has a problem. Have a look at his finances and then proceed from there. I wouldn’t be able to be with a problem gambler personally and I’ve seen first hand the harm it can do. Sending love OP.

I think it’s a lot more than that. Gambling is an addiction and like any addiction the more you do it the more you need to do it.
it’s not a harmless pastime.

The giving & asking for money is not something I can relate to. We have always had a what's mine is yours & what's yours is mine marriage where finances are concerned regardless of who earns more.
If I was in your situation OP I wouldn't dream of putting up with gambling far less contributing to the cost, unless it was an annual flutter on the Grand National.

We have the same system, but neither of us is a gambler or profligate with money.

Divorce could be a useful tool to protect yourself financially, the problem is that adults quite often can't be adults and only consider that a divorce means that you don't love each other anymore and is the end of it all (when that doesn't have to be the case).

A divorce could make a huge amount of financial sense for you and protect you, and literally means nothing about how much you love each other and your commitment to each other.

I'd agree that divorce is quite extreme but op there's a breach of your trust happening here. Not just in secretly not paying bills he has responsibility for (and then leaving you to negotiate it) but not following through on jobs or budgets agreed to the point he's taking more from you than what you have to give. I think ultimately the deal breaker for me would be the fact that you've been really clear with him that this is having a significant impact on you, it means you aren't getting to live the lifestyle you signed up for and are holding your side of the bargain to, he's making you vulnerable by leaving you penniless at times and most importantly, he doesn't care enough about the impact of this on you to address the issue. And because its his issue you cannot fix it for him.

So essentially what he's saying to you is either put up with it or leave because he's not changing anything irregardless of how stressful it is for you.

That's the part that would make me think seriously about divorce. I'd also be thinking very carefully about financial abuse op. Forcing someone to be entirely responsible for finances but then intentionally mismanaging those finances is a form of abuse and control.

At a minimum you need to keep your finances seperate, I'd actually look at the bills he is responsible for and check they are all in his name solely, if they are not then I'd change the names to his so that if he doesn't pay he is the one they go chasing for the money owed. I would stop bailing him out altogether. No more lending him money but also op no covering him for takeaways/trips out etc that he then cannot afford to pay his own way through. He's making choices to gamble this money instead so he needs to live with his consequences to that and you are not his parent you are his partner. I personally would also be telling him really, really clearly that the gambling is now enough of an issue that it's impacting both of your lives and its unfair to you. So either he goes and gets support with that off his own bat or you are leaving him because you don't want that instability in your life. Then you leave, get yourself a nice home, budget yourself without the stress of him draining your pot and decide if you want to continue the relationship living separately or not.

It sounds like you are parenting him more than he's your team mate. If you fell on hard times would you be able to depend on him, because you deserve that in your life.

Just the word "gambling" means he's an idiot with money OP.

YANBU, some people need to learn hard way how to grow up and be responsible for their own finances. It's a pшен he didn't take multiple chances you gave him to actually do better.

Sharing accounts and pooling money is clearly the last thing the OP should be doing so I don't know why people keep responding with what they do.

He needs to increase what he gives you to cover bills and live or die by his own budgeting when it comes to his debts and gambling.

Get out now OP. He will drag you down and destroy you. He will never change and things will only get worse, much worse. He’s probably borrowing from other people too. You will end up with bailiffs at the door and any savings you manage to make will be gone. Do not have children with him.

I would not give money to anyone who gambled

Yes I’ve put my foot down and I thought he’d be really upset but he’s taking it surprisingly well.

Thank you for this, I’m really putting my foot down now and already this month he asked for money more times than I was comfortable with and I now have a cut off point, I’m not completely heartless but once that cut off point is reached then I’ve been categoric with him and will not be giving a single penny.

I’m really sorry but this doesn’t make any sense

yes I’m not anti-gambling either, I don’t do it personally but if done responsibly it can be a enjoyable. He does break down his finances to me but it’s still not making sense.

Yes divorce is serious, but then so is your situation.

As an outsider, I see three red flags:

• your husband owes money to a relative
• your husband is bad at budgeting
• your husband is gambling (at least) 10-30 a week.

None of those would make me happy, but if a guy had ONE of those red flags I might still marry him. If he has debt but is budgeting closely and paying it off and not wasting any money on gambling then fair enough; or if he manages money well enough that he has no debt and can afford to gamble a bit; or if he really can't budget but he's kept out of debt and respects my judgment enough to let me run the household budget and only leave him in charge of his personal spending for non-essentials; in that case I might think he was OK to marry.

If he had TWO red flags there's no way I would marry him. If I was already married to him would I divorce him? Maybe, depending on how big the debt/gambling were and whether I thought he was hiding the amount he was gambling or hiding anything else. And I would look at the way things are going over time. Did I still feel financially secure? Was I building up savings at the rate I'd expect for my income? Were things getter better financially, or worse? Was he being more open about where his income was going, or less open? Was I bailing him out more or less often? Did I get nasty surprises like unpaid bills that he claimed to be paying? Could we talk calmly about the problem or did he get angry and defensive?

And THREE red flags? That's serious divorce territory. Being "bad at budgeting" is a very convenient excuse for him to not know (or to not tell you) where his money is really going and how much money he is really losing by gambling, or what else he might be wasting money on. You are basically paying out to enable him.

Yes, absolutely do stop handing over your money for him to piss away. The fact that you still think that is "heartless" is worrying, it sounds as if he plays on your feelings. You don't have all that many choices. You could divorce him before he spends all your money, gets you into debt or destroys your credit rating; or you could wait til he's done at least one of those things and then divorce him.

He does break down his finances to me but it’s still not making sense.

Well you know what Judge Judy says - if it doesn't make sense it's not true. Sorry.

Divorce makes perfect sense when you are in a relationship with an addict. He’s a gambling addict and you enable him constantly under the guise of “help”. By divorcing him you can remain in a relationship and protect your credit rating etc by being totally financially unlinked to him.

out of curiosity, what does he owe money for? to the relative/loan etc? Because we already know he didn’t pay the council tax which is a massive red flag considering you can actually go to prison for that. Bit that’s ok because you stepped in to save it. Is he paying you back for that debt? Is your financial split actually fair?

I’m an ex addict. You couldn’t pay me enough to live with an addict. They will take take take and you will be left an empty shell of a person with constant trust issues. Addictions destroy lives.

And in your shoes I’d be wanting to see his full credit report, bank statements etc. today.

Yes, I think I somehow ended up paying most of the household bills because he probably wouldn’t be reliable to pay it off each month, especially considering past experiences. He’s now somehow getting his friends to send him money to gamble “for them”.

She's saying that unless you get divorced, his debts will be your debts and you will likely never own a home as you will lose it to his gambling.

This explains a lot of my questions from the first half of your post. When you mentioned the gambling I had alarm bells.

I'm glad you've got some control for your own peace of mind. However, this still means that you've got more life admin, more financial responsibility and the division of labour isn't fair.

I would not be giving him any more money. If you love him and want to live your life with him, he needs to put all his salary into a join account that you manage. He then can have a monthly or weekly allowance from that but it's his responsibility to look after that - he can still use that to buy stuff for himself or gifts for you but it stops him from endangering your whole household's financial safety.

If you want to leave him you'd have the backing of most people.

I don't think he recognises that he has a gambling problem but where it starts impacting negatively on your lives, that is a problem.

If it’s not making sense then there is secret spending going on. I’d bet that he is hiding how much he spends on gambling and you’d be shocked to find out.

Why not do Experian to check both your credit histories etc?

He needs professional help here and if he knows that you will say it’s ok, then he won’t stop. Stopping giving him money is one thing but what are the other consequences to breaking your trust? There has to be an open conversation of what the line is and whether the relationship can continue if he doesn’t change his behaviour.

please do not get a joint account until the gambling is finished - otherwise your contribution will disappear too - at the moment it is ring-fenced.

sounds as though he needs a separate account for play/gambling and when it's gone it's gone ... of course he could win big, more likely he won't