AIBU to stop covering my husband when he runs out of money?

[Burgundyflower]

Hi there, slightly frustrated and just need some other point of views. So my husband and I distribute household bills - he sends me his share of the rent and I basically pay all the main household bills/subscriptions like council tax, water, gas/electric, broadband, TV, etc as well as my share of the rent and whatever other bits of bobs/loans. He earns a little more than me - aside from his share of the rent, he pays his car insurance, car finance, road tax, one loan repayment and is currently paying back a relative and he’s nearly finished. He also pays for petrol sometimes weekly sometimes fortnightly depending on how frequently he’s used the car. He’ll usually cover the groceries after being paid. Somehow he’s then always left with nothing very soon after payday and whatever he does have left he uses for gambling. I’m quite budget conscious and track my spending so I’m usually left with a reasonable amount after bills are paid. He usually asks me for money frequently and I don’t usually pay much attention to how much I’m giving until I realise that I completely run out - it’s gotten to the point where we’ve both run out and had not even enough for a pint of milk or toilet roll. I decided enough is enough and said I can’t keep covering him when he’s running out of money despite me covering all the main bills and he has to either start earning more or get better at budgeting. It’s hard because obviously it feels mean but his spending needs to be more structured.

If he owes a relative money why is he not paying every spare penny back to them as a priority instead of gambling it away??!! Can you not see he has a major problem??!! Does the relative know he’s gambling ?

Most definitely stop sending him money your enabling a gambling addiction, it is most definitely an addiction that's why he is getting so defensive. He earns more than you so he should be paying for half rent AND bills

YABU because you are enabling a gambling addict.

You don't have to divorce him, obviously, but you need to look the problem in the face and recognise that he may never be responsible with money, particularly as he doesn't want to change. (It's hard enough to manage addictive habits when you do acknowledge them.) You may always have to bear the brunt of being the reasonable one, which can wear away at you over time. If he won't accept that he isn't good with money and needs to change his ways, you're in for a future filled with frustration where finances are concerned. You'll have to be a broken record and put up with his annoyance when you refuse him or offer suggestions.

No he doesn’t provide when he’s able to, you’re deluding yourself op. unless you include the fact he’s pissed his money away gambling as a reason he can’t provide. He earns enough right now to provide and he is not providing, because he’s a gambler

He gets defensive because he doesn’t want to change. You are in effect enabling his gambling and whilst you are doing that, in his mind there’s no reason for him to change. I do wonder, however, how much a month he is actually frittering away.

Remonstrating with him about his gambling is about as much use as exhorting an alcoholic to drink less. Every spare penny he has he gambles and probably far more than he has told you. In fact, given the unpaid council tax you have less than nothing. It doesn't give me any joy to say that. You have been constantly bailing him out. You pay him money, you found him a side hustle job, you're trying to sort out the council tax and so on.

I am astonished that you think divorce is extreme in these circumstances.

This may be slightly crass but I wanted to own a house, be able to give our future children a good start, go on holidays and eat out sometimes. Oh, and a good superannuation provision so I'm not a cold old person living on the cheapest food. How is any of that going to be possible with this man who spends or gambles all his money and then gets you to pay? My husband was on board with my future goals or I wouldn't have married him. You might think divorce is extreme but he loves gambling more than he loves you or values your financial future. I am wondering whether you are replicating your family situation - did you have a feckless father for example? Love is all very well but it is not enough. Whatever you do, don't get pregnant and find yourself trapped with him or facing being a single parent because he probably won't get around to paying you maintenance because gambling is much more fun.

And please get rid of the joint account. There are very few people I'd trust with a joint account and I'm afraid your husband is exactly the sort of person who I wouldn't trust.

He needs to sign up to Gamstop:

https://www.gamstop.co.uk/

That would be a way of him demonstrating that there is a problem and showing a commitment to your relationship. On a practical level it would also immediately stop his access to the gambling sites online.

If he refuses, then you know that he isn't prioritising you or your relationship here.

This is not going to end well for you unfortunately. Gambling can be more destructive than any other addiction. He will be playing down how much he spends and inflating how much he wins.
It also is one of the biggest causes of crimes such as theft and fraud.
If you have children in future he will put his gambling habit before their needs. He is already putting gambling before yours.

Remember too that if you divorce in future it's not just assets that are shared, but also debts. I know of one woman who divorced due to husband having a secret gambling debt and she ended up with half the debt herself. $60,000 was her half. She had no idea it had got that bad.

Are you sure he hasn’t got gambling debts you don’t know about?

He is essentially acting like a child, relying on you to bail him out and not admitting he has a problem.

This sounds like stage one of a very familiar set of stages that women go through when they slowly realise their partner is a liability. You’re trying to fix it all yourself. You feel guilty because he once supported you.

Unfortunately he just sees you as a nagging fun sponge and doesn’t want to make any changes that would put your mind at ease.

I would ask him straight out for full disclosure of his spending and his intentions. When he lies you can stop feeling guilty.

Can you go on a credit checker site and see what your joint liabilities are? Do you have children?

Woman up. You don’t need to try having discussions you simply tell him you’re not bailing him out anymore and mean it.

Hes taking the piss. And he’s pissing your money up the wall.

He has a gambling problem.. that you’re enabling. Sooner he gets help for that, the better.

Please stop giving him money. But make sure you take control of the bill paying (with him contributing his share to you.)

A very close family member of mine was married to a gambler. Couldn’t stop, wouldn’t get help. Said to her he was paying the mortgage, he wasn’t. Gambled everything away, lost their house, everything. Liable for her half, took many years to get straight financially after leaving him finally.

it won’t be £10-30 a week, OP. They are very secretive.

sending to you love & strength to do everything you need to do to stop enabling this. Be happy 💐

He is not even paying his fair share then gambling the rest.

He is stealing from your future.

He is stealing from any future children you wish to have.

I’m very sorry this has happened to you but divorce is not extreme.

That should tell you all you need to know. If an issue is really important to you and your partner won't even have a grown-up conversation about it, he's not really much of a partner is he?

I don’t think divorce would be considered an extreme option in your case, despite you saying it would be when others have mentioned it.
He told you/gave the impression he was paying the council tax bill and he wasn’t, it was only when you were in significant arrears you found out.
He spends any spare money he has on gambling instead of saving for your future.
Apparently he ‘won’t like it’ if you stop giving him extra money and he has to give you any money he needs to put back for something important as he doesn’t trust himself not to spend It.
His spending habits put you in such a fix you couldn’t afford a pint of milk or toilet roll and yet you consider divorce extreme?
He’s dragging you down and you are enabling him, you will never be able to fully trust him with any financial decisions/responsibility, he even gave up the extra job you helped secure because it ‘was too hard’.
I’d be getting out whilst you still can, I may have missed your age/if you have children but you are coming across as still fairly young, don’t waste time on someone who is never going to be able to put you first.

Of course he gets defensive. He’s seeing that you might stop funding his problem spending. You need to split all shared expenses according to earnings immediately and refuse to sub him when he runs out of money. He already has debts. You have to see he will only drag you in to debt too. Not even money for a pint of milk? You need to save some of your wages secretly.

He’s gambling at least double that and he’s got you into debt. You are under reacting to the gambling issue. Firstly, do a credit check on you and him to make sure there isn’t any hidden debt - you can do this do free through Experian or similar. He should give you all his salary and you give him an allowance. He should be able to give you an idea of how much he spends on lunch, coffees, etc. and the rest should be put away where he can’t fritter it away on horses.

This is terrible advice. She says in the OP he is gambling. She absolutely should not get a joint account.

But he's currently in denial about the extent of his gambling and the very real problems it causes no family. All the support in the world won't be enough until he admits to himself he has a problem and decides to engage with that support. It doesn't sound like he's remotely at that stage yet.
Please look into gambling addiction and support for family members impacted by a loved one's gambling.

You need another grown up conversation about finances.

use the budget planner to work out your finances, income and expenditure, and Be Honest. Get all bank statements, bills out etc, and work it out. It’s a horrible procedure but worth it.

https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/banking/budget-planning/

No one likes doing this, but if he’s very reluctant, then I’d suspect he’s hiding something. You need access to recent statements on both your bank accounts.

While he undoubtedly sounds chaotic and this needs addressing, it does sound like he is perhaps picking up more than you are giving credit for and that these are more variable e.g food and petrol.

This will vary depending on your household. If it's a large property in band F council tax and with a large gas bill, the monthly expenses you pick up will be bigger. But if you live in a small economical flat and buy food in Marks and Spencer - and run an expensive car - his share could be large.

You both need a full understanding of the big picture and where any savings can be made, including of course the gambling.

I'd stick with individual finances and close the joint account to protect your credit rating but if you want the relationship to work you both need to discuss this openly and to work out what is fair and what needs to change.

Sensible not to have a joint account in this situation and right to stop giving him money but be aware that as an addict he will get money from elsewhere (not giving his half of the bills most likely) to fund it.

He needs to recognise that he has a gambling problem and to seek help from a gambling charity such as GamCare. He needs to go cold turkey and stop betting.

You have said that 'he does provide when he is able to'. When he is 'unable' to provide, that is because he has gambled his money away and just expects you to cover everything and to give him money.

He is still in complete denial that he has a problem so I doubt that he will do any of this. You should seek support for yourself from charities for the families of gamblers. You aren't yet ready to accept that this is marriage-ending but, at the very least, you need to stop giving him any of your money.