AIBU to feel sad about my son marrying young and changing surname?

[Cathryoi]

Hi all, so my DS is 23, 24 in August. He’s in the first year of his training contract on the path to becoming a qualified solicitor we are very proud of him.
He has been with his girlfriend who is 22, almost 23 since they were 15/16 (she was in Y11 and he Y12). They got engaged over a year ago and are getting married in the summer.

I feel so sad that they will be both so young while getting married, at just 23! I’m also quite sad that DS is giving up his name entirely in favour of her late mums maiden name (she’s also giving up her current surname).
They aren’t having a massive wedding or anything but I just imagined life a bit differently for them.

AIBU to feel sad they are getting married so young and sad that DS is giving up his name entirely?

YABU
Why shouldn't they get married young? And to be sad he's changing his name is unreasonable. Did you change your name when you got married?
You need to adjust your attitude pronto. They are adults making their own lives together. You absolutely shouldn't been feeling sadness about choices he's making that are positives for him.

He’s an adult . You did your job of raising him - roots and wings !
Sounds like a sensible young chap. You should still be proud of him .

Unless he has a rare, historic or cultural surname it's entirely fine. I don't think of my friends as a being 'one of the family of XName'.
Plenty of marriages end in divorce. The younger they marry, the more time for it to fail 😅

I hope they have a lovely wedding day and a long, happy marriage.
It’s also really sweet they’re honouring her late Mum and both changing their surname.
I hope your son and DIL don’t notice your disappointment and sadness at their lovely news. If they do, your next post will be “my son and DIL never visit and I don’t know why”.

He’s older than I was when my husband and I got married - 20 years later we are still together and happy as ever.

They seem to have been together quite a while and want to take the next natural step for them so I fail to see your issue.

You can't help how you feel, and tbh, as someone who married at 23 after being with my boyfriend since I was 16 I would probably feel the same way. But it sounds like he is happy and successful, what more can you hope for?

Did you change your name when you got married?

I wouldn't like him changing his name either, just as I would hope none of my dds change their names if they marry.

YANBU . I totally understand your point of view. I would be gutted if my 23 year old son got married to his girlfriend now. Everyone I know , except one couple, who got married in their early twenties is now divorced I suspect that if your son got divorced later he would go back to his original surname.

What's in a name?

He's marrying and taking on a new adult role of husband. Why not take on a new name to mark that? He's stepping away from the patriarchy and identifying himself with his wife and her maternal line. I like it and love the significance. Congrats to her and his soon to be wife.

He'll still be your son.

You wouldn't be saying that about your daughter and her name... Have a think why it's bothering you.

They're both changing their names.

I thought you were going to say he was 18! He’s 23, an adult man.

Oh come on. This is not about you. Your adult child has found someone they are a in a steady presumably happy relationship with and wants to marry them. They can make whatever decisions they want and unless you have a genuine valid concern (i.e. they are abusive, controlling etc. or don’t think in it for the right reasons) then it is their choice and your role is to be there to support and share in the milestone.

It’s not your wedding and marriage though is it? Why do you care and would you feel the same if it was a daughter? I think this is casual misogyny.

I eloped and got married overseas just the two of us, I’m sure my mum was a bit miffed but she didn’t ever say anything because it’s about me not her.

How did you imagine life differently? I find that so bizarre. What more could you want than a stable successful child in a loving relationship

I got married when I was 23, and I am still married at 47 (to the same man). I think if they are happy together it is great. There are loads of bonuses to it, no ex wife’s or husbands or kids to deal with.
I also think you start of with nothing together at that age and build your life together it is way better. Honestly OP he sounds like a smart young man and he will be fine.

Of course YANBU and I can't understand the responses on here! Of course he's young! Only 23! I wouldn't have been happy if my DC had got married that young. It's not the 1950s, there's no need to get married that young. What's the rush?!

Odd that he's changing his surname to hers, but that's his choice I guess. The posters on here would be up in arms if it was a WOMAN changing her surname on marriage, because most of the women on Mumsnet didn't change their name to their husband's when they got married - even though 90% of women in the UK do! 😆

You will of course get a multitude of posters coming on here now telling you about all the people they know who got married young (at 18-20 probably) and are still blissfully happy 20/25/30/35/40 years later!

.

My aunt got married at 20 and is still very happily married 40 years later. Also changed her name! Just be happy for them. They've not exactly rushed into it.

I don't understand at all why you feel 'sad'?

Your ds was lucky enough to meet someone and fall in love at a very young age. They've managed to sustain their relationship through some of the most challenging years (teenage into adulthood).

What did you imagine for thier life? That's they'd be fucking around with other people? Experimenting, breaking each other's hearts? Getting married at 23 doesn't mean anything different for the rest of their lives, except that they've made a legal commitment to each other. One that they seem well prepared to make. They may decide to start trying for a family as soon as they are married. But they may have had a baby anyway before being married. It is possible that their marriage may not last. But would your ds's heartbreak be any the less if they were unmarried?

What is the basis for your 'sadness'?

As for the name change. I think it is great that rather than fall into some kind of convention (she takes his name / they have seperate names [with all the complications that happen if they have kids], they have some complicated double barrel name), that they have thought about it maturely and are taking on a shared name that is important. Well done them.

Dh and I got married when he was 24 and we’d only been together 3 years, with 2 of those years being long distance, opposite sides of the world. I was also 7 years older than him! 30 to his 24 and made it very clear that the time for babies was soon because of a natural career break.

His family was very polite, but must have been slightly aghast. 18 years later, we are still very happily married with a lovely family life.

I think it’s lovely they are all changing their names though. I changed my name to honour Dh’s dad who’d passed away so our dc would all have his family name.

I cannot understand why you would want something different for him. He is going to have a great job, he has found a partner who he loves and wants to commit to. He is clearly a respectful and considerate man in taking her mum's maiden name. He is doing brilliantly! It's sad that you aren't fully backing him and appreciating how great he seems.

I’ve been with my husband for 23 years, been together since we were 14 and married at the same age as your son.
I’m a female and changed my surname.
Both me and my husband have careers in the public sector (I qualified as a nurse at 21 and he got his job in IT at 22, both of us worked from 16). Saved for our mortgage and got our home at 23 also.
Very happy in our marriage! He’s my soulmate and we have grown up together.
I feel privileged that I met my person at a young age.
Getting married at that age hasn’t stopped me doing anything I want.

The only thing I feel that has restricted me or stressed me is my career choice as a nurse!

YANBU I’d be secretly gutted if my child got married so young.

However, divorces exist so it’s not like they’re tied to each other for life.

Plus there are a lot worse things he could be doing with his life.

He seems like he’s got a good head on his shoulders and this is what he wants to do with his life.
It might not be what you have chosen but that’s ok.

Be happy for him and be proud that he’s doing so well in life.

I think it’s very touching that they’re both taking on her late mother’s name. Clearly a lot of thought and love has gone into that decision.

I’m afraid it says a lot about you that you object to the name change, and possibly what you think about her. It sounds like you’re wanting him to sow his wild oats.

I don't think 23/24 is young to get married. Its their decision on their name and I can understand why she wants this to honour her late mum.

Well, it’s nice to see someone challenging the patriarchy by not automatically expecting the woman to take his name for a change.