AIBU to feel sad about my son marrying young and changing surname?

[Cathryoi]

Hi all, so my DS is 23, 24 in August. He’s in the first year of his training contract on the path to becoming a qualified solicitor we are very proud of him.
He has been with his girlfriend who is 22, almost 23 since they were 15/16 (she was in Y11 and he Y12). They got engaged over a year ago and are getting married in the summer.

I feel so sad that they will be both so young while getting married, at just 23! I’m also quite sad that DS is giving up his name entirely in favour of her late mums maiden name (she’s also giving up her current surname).
They aren’t having a massive wedding or anything but I just imagined life a bit differently for them.

AIBU to feel sad they are getting married so young and sad that DS is giving up his name entirely?

I know this is rage bait but still, I was a bit sick in my mouth reading that

We’ve been together since 17&18, married at 23/24, first child at 27. It’s a case of grow up together or grow apart. I can think of several couples who’ve been together for similar length of time (16 years now). Depends where you’re based as well because from what I’ve heard getting married that young in London is unheard of.

I suppose I meant in the last couple of decades. It was more common in the past. I think it’s still pretty common in bible belt USA.

They’ll just experience things together. If they are suited and happy and religious then I can’t see any reason not to marry.

He sounds like a lovely and sensible young man! You’ve done a great job.
He’s on the path to a great career.
Getting married to his long term partner at a sensible age. Perhaps old fashioned, but a lot of people do ‘settle down’ quite late now. I think early 20s is a very sensible time to get married. Best for women’s fertility etc which declines a bit at 30 and quite rapidly after 35.
Sounds like he’ll be a great husband if the first step into it is saying no to the patriarchy.
I’m really not sure what your issue is? You should be very proud!!!

Would you be upset if your daughter changed her surname? I honestly don’t see the issue with them being married young. If they know they want to be together long term I see no issue. I know plenty of people that married somebody they met in their teens / at uni.

YANBU. You're entitled to feel the way you do. You love your child and have concern.

To me that is quite young to get married. But I have seen plenty of marriages succeed from that age and equally I've seen plenty fail when the partners marry older. To me, I'd want them living life, exploring the world first before massive commitments of marriage, mortgage, babies. There is time for everything but not all at once. In saying that your dc sounds level headed and sensible. If you show negativity about this marriage you may lose him. So no more than; are you sure, you both have plenty of time?

As for the surname. That's weird to me. I would use the late mother's name for a baby, first or middle, depending. And I guess he is in love so wants to make his wife-to-be happy. I'd probably explain to him how I feel but reiterate that you respect his choice. Slap that smile on your face with gritted teeth! Think, it's no different to a daughter changing her name for marriage.

Be happy for them and try to focus on the good stuff and there is plenty!

I completely understand OP. In my opinion they’re both too young. By the time they’re 43, they’ll be sick of each other and they’ll realise they have no experience of love or lust or sex with anyone else and be hankering after something new.

Changing their names to her mothers maiden name is also odd. I understand not wanting to change your name - but why not keep their current names?

Everyone saying their parents married at 20 and are still blissful, I get it, my parents are too. But the world is a very different place to what it was in the 70s and 80s.

My husband is one of three brothers, all of whom married at 21. Two of them have passed their golden wedding anniversary and the youngest will reach it next year. He and his wife were teenage sweethearts too, having started going out together at 16.

Well my friend got married at 19 and has just celebrated her golden wedding! 23 is really not that young. I’m more worried about my DS who’s 23 and never been in a relationship. As for changing his name, you’re being ridiculous sorry. Women do that all the time.

Well of course you think that. You’re a misogynist.

I find worrying about a 23 year old never having had a relationship is just as weird as OPs concern.

Maybe she dislikes her father so doesn’t want to enter married life having his name. That’s the reason a lot of women give for taking their husbands name.

I couldn't have cared less about the name but I do think 23 is far too young to get married, I'm afraid. I wouldn't want my daughter to get married until she's at least 30.

I know it's not a popular opinion on here but I think you don't know your own mind at 23, and being yoked to another person who will limit your growth at that age is to be avoided.

Having said that they are adults and he's chosen to do this. And he sounds sensible and like he knows his own mind. So you have to make the best of it. Who knows, it may work out and it sounds like they are giving it their best shot.

I got married at 23 and just celebrated 11 years married (12 years altogether) a few days ago. Times are tough and marriage with two kiddos can be very hard, but have never once regretted getting married at that age. And while I can understand the surname change being difficult- it's his choice! I mean how often do you really call your son by his full name, so much so that it's bothering you this much? ( Not meant to sound rude btw) I went against the cultural norm with my last name and lo and behold 11 years later, noone gives a furry crack of a rats behind what my name is these days lollll

And you’re a know it all so we’re as bad as each other : )

I got married age 24 during my training contract! I qualified at a top city firm and have now been married for 12 years this winter. We have two kids and a good marriage! I disagree that 24 is too young - let them make their own choices!

FWIW, I got married at 25 (would have been 23 if gay marriage had been legal then!) to the partner I'd been with since I was 17. We "experienced the world" and had plenty of adventures, both together and also separately when it suited us.

Everybody said we were too young, but I could never figure out why we should give up a healthy, loving relationship because of that. We were happy and actually gave each other the confidence and secure base to take risks and try things we might not have otherwise.

Sadly, DP died aged 35 at the end of 2024, but I've no doubt we would have stayed together even if we both lived to 100. I think a few of the people who said we were too young to commit feel pretty awful about that sentiment now. I'm free to explore alone and play the field, and I will live my life to the fullest, but I wish DP was still here to experience it all with me.

Do you know me personally? What an odd thing to say

My Dsis is with her husband. They met at 12, together since 14 and coming up 40 now. I know it's unusual but it does happen.

I don’t need to know you personally. It’s evident from your post.

I don’t think it’s odd or sad that he’s changing his name, but I do think it’s odd that they’re both changing their names altogether. I’d assume that there’s some unusual thing about the name they’re choosing that aligns with the image that they want to present themselves as.

Did her husband change his name when he got married?

Misogyny has nothing to do with finding it submissive for a man to take his wife’s name. That’s diminishing

Yabu. 23/24 is hardly marrying young especially when they've been together 7/8 years. I was 25 and my husband was 26 when we got married and been together 5 years by the time our wedding happened.

A name is also just a name, he's an adult and can choose to keep his own name or change it to have the same as his future wife's if he wants. That's his choice and you will have to accept it.