AIBU to feel sad about my son marrying young and changing surname?

[Cathryoi]

Hi all, so my DS is 23, 24 in August. He’s in the first year of his training contract on the path to becoming a qualified solicitor we are very proud of him.
He has been with his girlfriend who is 22, almost 23 since they were 15/16 (she was in Y11 and he Y12). They got engaged over a year ago and are getting married in the summer.

I feel so sad that they will be both so young while getting married, at just 23! I’m also quite sad that DS is giving up his name entirely in favour of her late mums maiden name (she’s also giving up her current surname).
They aren’t having a massive wedding or anything but I just imagined life a bit differently for them.

AIBU to feel sad they are getting married so young and sad that DS is giving up his name entirely?

Do you find it submissive for women to take the man's name? If not, it is complete and utter textbook misogyny. If you can't see it there is no hope.

Although as I said, rage bait.

Sure hun.

I'm not married (no plans to marry ever), but I'm still with my partner more than 20 years after having got together at 16. Sometimes you just meet the right person at that age and you grow together. We're a team. We've supported each other through lots of different things, and argued and made up, and built careers and a family. I haven't missed out on anything.

They've already been together for 5 years: give them a chance. Lots of people marry all later and break up also: there aren't really any guarantees.

Misogyny is a favourite word to use on MN

Yes I was thinking this
AND they’ve been together a long time which is really lovely
just be happy for them
don’t worry about the surname it’s only a name

Came here to say exactly the same. Married younger than this, after far less time together and over two decades later still going strong!

Nah it’s not a favourite word. It’s a descriptive one.

You're entitled to your feelings, and of course you’re going to worry - he’s your son, that concern doesn’t switch off when he turns 18 - but I do think this is something you’re going to have to let go. And you would be unreasonable if you brought it up with him. He’s an adult and quite within his rights to get married and change his surname.

My DH and I bought a house together when I was 23 and he was 22. We then got engaged when I was 25 and he was 24, and married at 26 and 25. We’d been dating since we were 16/15. Our parents may have thought we were too young but they never said anything and were (at least outwardly) very supportive of all our decisions. And here we are almost 10 years later - we’re still married and have 3 kids.

Do you know why they’re both opting to choose a new surname? If not, maybe you should ask him and try to see it from their point of view.

@Wolmando Well a woman changing her name to her husband's and him not changing his does have misogynistic roots. That can't be argued. Same for title change.

??? I’m 47, my DH is 51. We’ve been together since we were teenagers. He’s my absolute favourite person, my best friend and the sexiest man I’ve ever met. Our sex life isn’t the same as it was when we were younger, but that’s pretty normal with menopause, life and age. Not everyone ends up hating each other.

it has more to do with using terms like hun and misogyny attack me, a woman, for having an opinion that differs from yours. Reflect on that

What a miserable way to look at the world!

They sound solid, in love and the pride in family by honouring her late mother who she's clearly lost very young. Marriage isn't a death knell, and tbh as someone who was with boyfriend from 22, married at 32, baby at 35, sometimes I wish we had started earlier as I'm shattered now 🙃

It's his life to live, I'd understand if it was a whirlwind but he's been with this woman for so long. My sister met her husband aged 17 and they're still together 20 yrs later, two little kids and both extremely well travelled, phd for one, extremely well paid job for the other etc. Marriage isn't thr end of the road, it's part of the journey of life.

no, because most women choose to do it happily. I was proud take my DH’s name

You are not being “attacked”. I said you are a misogynist. You are a misogynist. That’s no more of an “attack” than saying you are a woman. It’s what you are.

Would you feel sad if your daughter who was marrying was changing her surname? If not. The patriarchy well and truly has you brainwashed.

@ohyesido Would he have been as equally proud to take yours?* *

Why didnt you want your dh to take your name?

And this is the misogyny. Her son is also doing it happily. There really is no rational non-misogynistic reason to find it “submissive” snd “diminishing” for a man to happily take his wife’s name yet not see it as “submissive and diminishing” for a woman to take her husband’s.

It’s the same thing.

This drives me up the wall
its their life they can live it how they want and do as they want I assume you won’t believing with them or paying their bills so what’s it to you. I wouldn’t get married at 23 but I certainly wouldn’t be disappointed in my child if she were to.

I must be in good company then because millions of women take their husband’s name.

I can see why you are feeling uncertain about it.
I don't think getting married young is so bad but they have been together since they were young teens and so have known nothing else.

And while I know there are umpteen posters on here saying they did the same & are still together etc etc, I just don't think it's great to settle down with your first boyfriend/girlfriend. My mind boggles at the thought of still being with the boy I thought I was in love with at 16! There is a danger one or both of them will wonder what might have been when they get into their mid-life years.

And it all sounds very weighted to his fiancée - changing his religion to hers, changing his name to hers.

So I definitely get the feelings of disquiet you have but all you can do is offer your love & support because it's his life and they are his decisions.
Unless he asks directly for your advice then it's a case of putting your game face on and supporting him as much as you can. xx

🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

It’s actually nothing to do with you when they marry or what name they use. Your negativity is alarming. Ur attitude need to change.