AIBU to feel sad about my son marrying young and changing surname?

[Cathryoi]

Hi all, so my DS is 23, 24 in August. He’s in the first year of his training contract on the path to becoming a qualified solicitor we are very proud of him.
He has been with his girlfriend who is 22, almost 23 since they were 15/16 (she was in Y11 and he Y12). They got engaged over a year ago and are getting married in the summer.

I feel so sad that they will be both so young while getting married, at just 23! I’m also quite sad that DS is giving up his name entirely in favour of her late mums maiden name (she’s also giving up her current surname).
They aren’t having a massive wedding or anything but I just imagined life a bit differently for them.

AIBU to feel sad they are getting married so young and sad that DS is giving up his name entirely?

I got married at 23, and we're still married over 20 years later. For us, it was nothing to do with wanting to start a family when we were that young - we were married for over a decade before having our son. We just got married because we knew we wanted to be married, and whatever life threw at us we'd be happier muddling through it together. My mum was a bit surprised at the news I guess, but if anyone felt sad about it, I'm glad they managed not to show it! It was right for us, and I very much hope it will be for your son and his fiancée.

They could still go travelling etc Me and DB both quit our jobs in our late 20s to do so together

How absolutely lovely to take her DM's birth name.

Well if she's that Catholic - maybe they're doing it to have sex? On the positive side, if it's for that reason, they'll probably wait a while to have kids. These days most young catholics tend to get married but then wait until currently average age i.e. 30ish to have babies.

This is a good point. Becoming a grandmother at fifty-something or sixty-something is a whole different experience than becoming a grandmother in your seventies or eighties. My youngest child graduates from high school the year I turn fifty, so I’m hoping I’ll have a grandchild by age sixty and s/he can remember Grandma YankSplaining as a vibrant older woman, not someone who was too old and infirm to play or go places.

I think you’re being unreasonable but that is because both me and my husband were married when we were 18 and we’ve been happily married for 14 years now. I think I’m the luckiest person in the world to have found my life partner so early, I don’t see why this is a problem!?

If it’s worth anything, I’m not religious but my partner is - all the close couples we know seem pretty happy, including the younger ones. It’s not all doom and gloom, if it goes sideways they can always divorce.

YANBU on your feelings, I wouldn’t want DD to get married young either, but keep them to yourself. Fingers crossed they’ll be very happy together.

I can see why you're sad. It sounds like he's turning his back on his heritage in favour of hers, new religion, new name etc. But children have to choose their own path. You can be very proud of him pursuing what he wants, against convention really with the name. You'll always be his mum and he'll always love you.

It’s very young but at least they have good career plans. Getting married at 22/24 with no career would worry me much more.

I'd just be happy if my kids are happy. There's a lot of positives here too.

I don’t think 24 is young to be married. At 23 my DH and I were planning our first child. Your son has a good job and seems sensible not everyone wants to travel the world and wait till their 30s to get married.

I think any parent is setting themselves up for disappointment when they ‘picture’ what their child’s life will look like beyond wishing them health and happiness.

I have good friends who got married at the same age after being together for the same length of time. They're still each others best friends and they seem to have a lovely life together.

I think you're looking at it wrong op. Your son has luckily found someone lovely who he wants to be with forever and build a life with. If they make that work then that's a wonderful thing and doesn't mean he has to miss out on anything.

I would also say that as a woman who's divorced I absolutely loathe the fact women 'have' to take men's names. I had to pay to change everything the first time and then pay to change it all again when we split. Ex wasn't put out a penny in this regard. So I actually think it's great when couples now both combine names or similar so they're equally invested. And they've picked a name with lots of significance. I'd be so proud of him for being open to that.

The surname thing is certainly unusual. I have often found it a little simpish and submissive for the man to take his wife’s surname but this is just odd

Everyone knows travelling with your soul mate is the best. I bet they have loads of great experiences together. Is that your only concern OP, or is there something else?

What's wrong with the man being submissive?

Just be there to pick up the pieces when he realises at 28 that he’s bored.

I’ve been with DH since I was 16. I’m 47 now, still happy together.

Quite a lot of our trainees and newly qualified lawyers in the past few years have been in long term relationships, engaged or married. I thought youngsters were meant to be leaving it later to settle down but that’s not what I see around the office. I had a few pals that married their high school boyfriends after uni. Wouldn’t have been my choice but not unheard of and 23 is young but not exceptionally so. As for the surname, I wouldn’t care. I changed my name when I married and my parents weren’t upset. My daughter and son can do what they want in that regard, as I did.

If they get on well he's going to get more enjoyment from experiencing the world together than apart. Marriage doesn't have to mean slippers and songs of praise and immediately having 2.1 children, they can still travel, develop and explore and in so many ways it's a lovely feeling to have the security of having your best friend and person beside you through all those experiences. There's nothing he can't do married that he could do before except the obvious bits of dating other people.

They can experience the world together. And if they split in future so what? It's not necessarily worse because they will be married.

That's because you're riddled with misogyny :)

If you like her, unless you are hoping they will break up, what is it that you really want? You think he should break up we ith a lovely smart hard-working person to sow his wild oats? That's a bit yucky.

If they are committed to staying together long term, and making joint decisions about career, housing and such, which is likely the case now that they are moving out of the first part of their education, then it makes sense to get married. That commitment is fundamentally the point. And if they don't want that they shouldn't be making such weighty decisions together.

Oh goodness he sounds like a wonderful young man OP! I understand your worries but a life of travelling the world isn't for everyone. And who is to say he won't do something later on with his wife?

The husband taking his wife's name or the wife just keeping her own name isn't that unusual now tbh - and the circumstances of their name change are just so heartfelt and emotive - it's a wonderful tribute to her Mum. Like I said, your DS must be a wonderfully supportive man to support his fiance this way.

I have grown up DCs and I have had doubts about their life choices at times (and relationships!) but they need to figure things out for themselves. It's hard when you want the best for them but your best isn't always what theirs is, if you see what I mean?!

What can't he experience if he is married? I mean he can't sleep around with multiple people unless they have an agreement. He can still go abroad. He can still go clubbing. He can have shots to the point that he throws up. He can get an internship in different city. He can have lads holidays.

If that is something he wants, he can do that. If he wants to get married at 23, I doubt he is looking forward to living single life. Marriage doesn't have to be a prison. They can do stuff together or separately.

My DH turned 22 the day before we got married, we are the same age. Married 26 years this year. Even more unusually, he proposed 3 weeks after our first meeting and we married only after a few months. Best decision ever.