AIBU to feel drained by boyfriend refusing to wear hearing aids?

[MellowRedHiker]

New boyfriend on the scene. He is a lovely guy and someone I would consider getting into a relationship with. He is hard of hearing and I very often have to repeat myself and speak louder so he can hear me. I find it tiring and draining over a period of a few hours. I've only met up with him 4 or 5 times. He's told me he has hearing aids but doesn't wear them. They are NHS ones which he said distorted sounds and was given batteries that turned out to be dud. He returned the batteries and were given more, which also weren't holding a charge so he gave up. I suggested he buy a new set of batteries and try and get used to the aids. He said he wasn't going to waste his money as he could get them for free off NHS. I am very frustrated and exhausted with my efforts of communication which is important to me in a new relationship but also by his attitude. He does have money, (without going into details here) bought a brand new motorbike few months ago and enjoys many holidays abroad etc. I have a friend who has hearing aids who told me hers were paid private and technology improves virtually daily, lots of various settings and can be rechargeable. He could have demos but would need to pay in region of £2000 - £2500. How can I get through to him that I can't cope, without my complaint falling on deaf ears - No pun intended. He hasn't dated for some years, but he does have a good friendship circle of men, cycling, motorcycling, yes which I can only assume the friends have deeper, stronger voices or their conversation doesn't need the same necessary input. I'm at a crossroads - do I give up now or try to procede? My female friend lives the other side of Britain so I couldn't introduce them casually, for her to give him guidance.

I’ve been wearing hearing aids since I was 10 (53 now) so I’ve seen the whole range from chunky NHS ones with an external battery pack to state of the art digital and now AI rechargeable Bluetooth models. My hearing loss is moderate to severe. My hearing was transformed the first time I tried non- NHS aids, and I’ve gone private ever since. Yes it costs £2000-4000 every 5 or 10 years, but - imperfect though they are - they enable me to work, socialise, communicate with people, to stay in the world. I can totally see the attraction of retreating into a world where you don’t / hear / communicate because you purposely choose not to - but that’s a choice and it has consequences for the deaf person and those around you. The first time I tried digital aids it was a revelation for DH as much as for me: for the first time he could talk to me without having to come and get my attention or stand in front of me.

DH and I have talked often about being deaf and being the partner of a deaf person. For me, it has to work both ways. He has to accept that sometimes I’m going to have ‘tired ears’ after wearing them at work all day, and that I do need to leave them out for a while. But I also accord that not wearing them at home makes things more difficult and frustrating for him.

It’s hard for adults to adjust to wearing hearing aids (and it only gets harder the older you get) but for me the positives outweigh the negatives significantly, hugely in fact.

This man couldn't care less about not hearing or the impact of that on other people (or even himself). Let's face it, he's not the only one on this thread in that position. Unless your son is the same, it's not about him.

I didnt know about free trials. Thank you.

I will look into it (and budget appropriately!).

I have hearing aids and glasses and I think they are pretty similar so it's not ignorant.

The bit in the OP about batteries not working is nonsense. With NHS hearing aids you get free batteries and can replace them as necessary. If the aids aren't working you can get them seen to and adjusted. He's talking rubbish.

My husband won't wear his because he wouldn't allow the time to get used to them. It does take a while - I could hear my hair rustling for a day or two but it soon goes. It makes it very difficult to have a conversation with him so I often don't bother.

I would suggest that you might be simply lucky that they worked for you. Im really glad they did but it's not always so simple

Any hearing aid group has hundreds of stories of people that did very much try and didnt have positive outcomes with them.

I'm glad they worked for you, but it doesnt mean that they will for everyone else. I've had loads of adjustments, tried different types and have learnt to tolerate them for specific periods.

There's a reason there's so many people like me, its not because im deliberately avoiding help. There's a reason why there's loads of people that can't wait to take theirs out, or rarely wear them

My private ones were risk free. The audiologist leant them to me after just paid the initial hearing test consultation fee. I didn’t pay until she’d tweaked them for me to be happy with them. No pressure at all. I could have just given them back and walked away.

Thanks to you all re my original post. You've all helped me enormously and I realise I'm probably not so intolerant or impatient as I was afraid I was 🙏
His interests lie in biking and cycling and meeting up with mates. Biking and cycling friend groups don't communicate 'during' their interest until they come to a halt. Socialising is in cafe's or pubs, sat down probably opposite his chums. He usually goes out with old school mates weekends and that's usually to pubs with music or live gigs....he doesn't need or indeed want HA at venues like this. He gets through any interaction with his friends ok. His dating experience has lapsed over the last few years. The only problem he has is with ME and that's when we're on a date and not sat opposite one another! Thank you all - I got there in the end!
Guess you know where this is going...at least I can move on without a backward glance wishing for 'what could have been' with a lovely, genuine guy...

Link below: I've used these people since 2019 (no vested interest, etc, just a happy customer). They have a UK network of qualified audiologists and will put you in touch with one in your local area.

The prices on their website are what you pay; there are no hidden extras (I buy batteries on Ebay - about £20 for a year's supply - and would never consider rechargeable aids, but that's a personal opinion).

If nothing else, you could use their price list as a comparison with other suppliers.

https://www.hearingaid.org.uk

I'm glad you found this post helpful. Good luck. X

The reason I asked if it was only you that he had issues hearing is because not all hearing loss is the same. Typical age related hearing loss looks very different to otosclerosis which looks very different to loss due to loud music...

I have otosclerosis which means I can actually hear people better in loud environments because when people raise their voice, they change their tone. But in echo-y environments or if the TV has background music when people are talking there is no hope. So that makes using hearing aids really difficult for me. There are some people I just cant hear and no hearing aid will help with that. I wondered if that was the case with him. With you saying he mainly communicates in pubs, I wonder if there might be that or equally a noisy pub can be awful with hearing aids so he doesnt use them and then never gets used to them.

Thank you. I've book marked it to look at this evening. My husband will be pleased if I can find hearing aids that work.

I can sort of see where you're coming from. But as I said, 4/5 dates down the line, I can only be expected to take him as is! I can't do research for him, tell him what to do, or even encourage him etc etc. I sympathise with everyone who has a disability minor or major but I cannot be his fixer.

I can sympathise, hearing aids must take a lot of getting used to. Although there is research that not wearing hearing aids for hearing loss is strongly linked to an increased risk of dementia, something to bear in mind.

Hearing aids aren’t always a panacea. They can be fiddly and don’t always work well in certain situations (like a crowded room).

Have you explained to him that you’re finding communication hard and asked if you can work on a solution together?

You don’t have to do that - you’re under no obligation to continue the relationship if it feels like hard work. But I don’t think you should pressure him about hearing aids when he isn’t comfortable with them. If you really like him, ask him to help you work on a compromise that you can both live with.

I have NHS hearing aids. The sound is distorted and tinny, but my bigger problem is that I find them very difficult to wear because they keep falling out. Clearly, my ears are the wrong shape somewhere or other because I can’t wear in ear headphones either.

DH knows that I don’t always hear him, but he does the intensely irritating thing of asking something when he’s walking away from me. I should have private ones, fitted to me,but the cost is prohibitive. There are people who mumble or speak with their hand over their mouth, That’s annoying too.

I understand that it’s tiring having to repeat yourself and annoying too. My mother was very deaf and I was pretty much her interpreter in shops. It’s equally tiring trying to hear, understand and respond, when you have hearing loss.

OP, he has an issue and doesn't care enough about it or you to make it work.

He has greater issues than hearing.
You are 100% correct to not bother.

Having to roar at someone to communicate when the situation could be alleviated would not be something I would want to sign up for.

@HaveYouHadYourBreak I've just noticed you have otosclerosis, which what I have, so can emphasis with your comments about echo-y environments (especially venues with hard floors and no curtains) and also the TV problem.

I don't know whether your current aids have multiple settings, but one of best things about my HAs is the ability to virtually mute background noise with a couple of clicks. Technology has moved on since I first went for private aids, and NHS aids probably offer this option these days, but back then I was amazed at how the ability to mute enhanced my hearing.

@DancingFerret @HaveYouHadYourBreak A fellow otosclerosis sufferer here. I hadn’t made the connection between noisy environments and raised voices, but that all makes sense now. What I have real difficulty with is people who whisper, who when added to repeat themselves lean in more closely and whisper more quietly. I just tell people now that I don’t do whispers.

What @MellowRedHiker doesn’t seem to understand is that some disabilities aren’t fixable. Amelioration may be possible, but effort and understanding are also needed by those around you. OP is under no obligation to provide either and the non-continuation of the relationship is as much down to her as it is to him.

@HaveYouHadYourBreak - love McKenzie Crook.