AIBU to feel drained by boyfriend refusing to wear hearing aids?

[MellowRedHiker]

New boyfriend on the scene. He is a lovely guy and someone I would consider getting into a relationship with. He is hard of hearing and I very often have to repeat myself and speak louder so he can hear me. I find it tiring and draining over a period of a few hours. I've only met up with him 4 or 5 times. He's told me he has hearing aids but doesn't wear them. They are NHS ones which he said distorted sounds and was given batteries that turned out to be dud. He returned the batteries and were given more, which also weren't holding a charge so he gave up. I suggested he buy a new set of batteries and try and get used to the aids. He said he wasn't going to waste his money as he could get them for free off NHS. I am very frustrated and exhausted with my efforts of communication which is important to me in a new relationship but also by his attitude. He does have money, (without going into details here) bought a brand new motorbike few months ago and enjoys many holidays abroad etc. I have a friend who has hearing aids who told me hers were paid private and technology improves virtually daily, lots of various settings and can be rechargeable. He could have demos but would need to pay in region of £2000 - £2500. How can I get through to him that I can't cope, without my complaint falling on deaf ears - No pun intended. He hasn't dated for some years, but he does have a good friendship circle of men, cycling, motorcycling, yes which I can only assume the friends have deeper, stronger voices or their conversation doesn't need the same necessary input. I'm at a crossroads - do I give up now or try to procede? My female friend lives the other side of Britain so I couldn't introduce them casually, for her to give him guidance.

I hate my hearing aids and don't wear them. They are NHS ones and I am struggling to understand how private ones would be £3000 better (and I'd need two). I wonder if your partner feels like that?

They also aren't the panacea that people seem to think they. They dont work like glasses. You don't just put them in and you can hear again. There is a reason why a lot of people don't wear them.

I agree. That’s a petulant attitude and off-putting in an adult. “I’ll cut my nose to spite my face.”

Hearing aids nowadays have settings for focusing on the speaker in front of you, or allowing more background noise etc. Is he even keeping up with what’s available?

The noise from all those motorbikes won’t be great for his remaining hearing.

You've only met him 5 times.
You're not going to change him to suit you.

All of those things are no easier (I'd actually say equally damn near impossible) once the surrounding noise is amplified by hearing aids and supplemented with the background noise of the hearing aids themselves - even before there's any tinnitus riding over the top of the mix.

I'm quite glad that DP is a normal, decent human being though, as he doesn't feel he's a crutch for a malfunctioning human, any more that I do when I'm plumbing in a new washing machine or putting together flat pack because he hasn't got the greatest spatial reasoning skills.

I'm not sure I'd agree that I would like people to make the effort to speak to me, I find that a tad self-indulgent if I were hard of hearing. However, in a potential new relationship I agree it's easier for him to see/hear what I say sat immediately opposite him. But it becomes difficult, say, sitting in a car or simply walking along together when you're trying to get to know one another, communication is key. Different matter in a long term relationship. Thank you for taking the time and trouble to respond.

It was never an option to suggest him being given advice by myself of my female friend, you are quite right that it would be extremely tactless. I'm not quite that bad!😂 I was merely stating the facts.

I am.guessing this is why hearing loss is related to increased risk of dementia. Being socail decreases your risk. My mum was a bit deaf but got around that by accusing me of talking to softly.

I love my NHS hearing aids (much of the time but not all) which Bluetooth to my phone allowing me to play music, take calls etc straight into my ears.

But wearing them is tiring. I get headaches. Noisy and busy places are disorienting and make me feel dizzy

when I want to relax taking my hearing aids out is a similar feeling to taking my bra off. It’s removes the stress and pressure.

it’s nothing like wearing my glasses and they are ups and downs with it.

theres a lot of garbage on this thread from ‘experts’ who don’t wear aids.

Hearing aids are not perfect whatever you pay.
My concern would be the indifference of your partner to the needs of those around him as well as himself.

I’ve worn hearing aids since the age of 46 and they took a couple of weeks to get used to. They’re not perfect but a damn sight better than being unable to hear or being not present. I got used to them after a couple of weeks of consistent use - they’re in from the time I wake up until I go to sleep. And yes the link between hearing loss and cognitive decline is huge - I don’t want to exacerbate that possibility.
If haven’t put them in in the morning before a shower if I’m washing my hair I feel a bit disorientated to be honest and it is unfair to ‘make’ people shout so you can hear them, I feel I’m missing out without them.

Just thinking as well... even when I am wearing my hearing aids, there are some people I just cant hear. I dont know if its their tone or what but I still have to ask them to repeat themselves all the time and really concentrate on them. Is your BF the same with everyone or is it just you?

I also find there is a sort of delay when I'm using my HAs. Almost as if my brain has to spend a split second deciphering the signals from the HAs. Maybe it's because there is just so many signals from the HAs?

I would just be open and honest with him and say I really like him and could see a future but the fact he won’t sort his hearing out is really making you think twice about continuing the relationship.

Explain how it makes you feel and knowing that the option to make it better could easily be explored yet he won’t is frustrating.

What?!

How odd - "I quite like that it’s a little bit more effort for folk to talk to me" - is this because you want to feel special or are you anti social? Hard work either way tbh and don't be surprised if your circle starts to narrow. My aunt was like you and we don't bother inviting her out as much now as she lives in her own little world unless everyone focuses on her and makes a special effort just for her - tiresome. Agree with PP you should check the correlation with living in your own bubble and cognitive decline.

I’d be flipping furious if someone did that to me it’s so condescending and self serving.
I think it is condescending to assume that someone with a hearing disability might not want to be as helpful to those around them as would be expected of someone with good hearing.
Having a disability does not absolve one of responsibilities to others.

@MellowRedHiker I wouldn't bother

My late father wore hearing aids and he was lucky that he didn't have too many issues with them, but funnily enough, he said the old ones were better than the new ones. He hung onto the old ones until they didn't work. As ever, the fancy new version of something isn't as good.

I am sympathetic to the fact that people have problems wearing them but I'm also sympathetic to those who have to shout to be heard

I think my mum needs hearing aids now, but she refuses to admit it. She roundly criticised her friends who wouldn't wear them and now she's doing the same.

I don't see this as a situation that's going to get better. So I don't see the benefit in starting a relationship with this guy. I also wouldn't ask somebody to change at this point. He probably won't, but there's a risk he'll tell you that he will in order to start a relationship.

This thread is really interesting. I started by thinking YANBU but it’s clear now that hearing aids are really tough for a wearer especially if used to quiet.
Thanks for sharing .

How incredibly selfish.

I wear hearing aids, so does my dad. He often leaves his office and it is INCREDIBLY frustrating to have to shout, repeat yourself ad nauseum .

read a later post - you may one day find your DH has had enough . I wouldn’t blame him.

I would be concerned that his motivation to see if he can get the aids to work for him (and the others around him) is quite low and that he's quick to write off potential solutions that aren't free. My concern is that this would also apply to other aspects of life and health which would also be problematic.

4-5 dates is very early days and the relationship should be fun at this point. It shouldn't feel like you're battling to make it work, on either side. Adapting to change within a long term relationship is another matter, but a relationship shouldn't be hard work from the beginning.

(FWIW I have auditory processing difficulties so use a lot of strategies such as lip reading and struggle against background noise, but hearing aids wouldn't help as volume and hearing range isn't an issue. It could be a compatability issue to someone liking socialising in loud venues and expecting me to accompany them)

It's not necessarily a case of being 'used to quiet', it's that they add extra noise on top over and above standard noise, along with the sounds of tinnitus for many people as well.

The idea of being used to quiet? How I wish that were the case, but I haven't had a second of quiet for years - it doesn't get across that it's perfectly possible to have normal hearing in some ranges + amplified in the crossover frequencies + amplified in the reduced frequencies + the noise of the hearing aids + sounds of your hair touching the aids + wind noise + traffic noise + general noise in a noisy world oblivious to the effects + people alternately mumbling/turning their faces away + people shouting at you + sudden noises that cause pain.

You know what it feels like if you've been squinting at screens all day in bright light, then travelled home with the sun directly in your face and then you sit down, thinking you'll be able to rest your eyes for a bit, but somebody comes in and switched the Big Light on? It's the auditory version of that.

Absolutely love mine wear them all day and pop in the charging case every night. I take phone calls through them and listen to music and podcasts direct to my ears

It is worth saying some people get on fine with them. I'm just not one of those people, and know a lot of people who are similar regardless of how much we have tried!
My nhs ones are better than private options I tried too.
The Bluetooth feature is probably the saving grace for many!

Well, it’s up to him isn’t it but I would find it annoying.

DH has significant hearing loss and has had hearing aids since he was a child. The first 10 years we were together he didn’t wear any as the ones he was offered on the NHS weren’t great and he felt self conscious and that the improvement wasn’t great enough.

About 5 years ago he invested in a private audiologist and some much better hearing aids. They’re virtually invisible, moulded to fit his ears so no gaps which means no feedback or hissing etc. it’s been an amazing change for him as well as me and DC. So much easier for everyone! It took him a while to adjust to wearing them but he’s never without them now.

My Dad on the other hand is an absolute bugger for not wearing his - largely because he lives along so doesn’t see the point and then forgets. It is so frustrating having to repeat myself constantly and talk painfully loudly…. Especially as when he does wear them we can have a completely normal conversation so they clearly do the job.

So yes, I know it would drive me mad. Fair enough if he’s not able to get ones that are effective etc and if he doesn’t want to then that’s his choice. I couldn’t live like that though if it was by choice.

Ask him how to communicate with him? Tell him you are finding it hard.

My mum had a learning curve with hearing aids too, took some time to get them comfortable and working but thankfully she persisted. Otherwise we could only communicate by text.

It's also easier to communicate with no background noise. So noisy restaurants are pretty much impossible to talk in.

My DH has hearing aids but doesn't wear them all the time and it is so frustrating for me as well as him. If I raise my voice he tells me not to shout. If I speak normally he asks me endlessly to repeat. Or yes the farce of misunderstanding.
He's had an ear infection since January and sometimes he can't physically bear wearing them, but every time I suggest he sees the GP he says oh my ears are almost better now. No they bloody aren't.
I'm so fed up with not being able to have a straight forward conversation.