AIBU to feel drained by boyfriend refusing to wear hearing aids?

[MellowRedHiker]

New boyfriend on the scene. He is a lovely guy and someone I would consider getting into a relationship with. He is hard of hearing and I very often have to repeat myself and speak louder so he can hear me. I find it tiring and draining over a period of a few hours. I've only met up with him 4 or 5 times. He's told me he has hearing aids but doesn't wear them. They are NHS ones which he said distorted sounds and was given batteries that turned out to be dud. He returned the batteries and were given more, which also weren't holding a charge so he gave up. I suggested he buy a new set of batteries and try and get used to the aids. He said he wasn't going to waste his money as he could get them for free off NHS. I am very frustrated and exhausted with my efforts of communication which is important to me in a new relationship but also by his attitude. He does have money, (without going into details here) bought a brand new motorbike few months ago and enjoys many holidays abroad etc. I have a friend who has hearing aids who told me hers were paid private and technology improves virtually daily, lots of various settings and can be rechargeable. He could have demos but would need to pay in region of £2000 - £2500. How can I get through to him that I can't cope, without my complaint falling on deaf ears - No pun intended. He hasn't dated for some years, but he does have a good friendship circle of men, cycling, motorcycling, yes which I can only assume the friends have deeper, stronger voices or their conversation doesn't need the same necessary input. I'm at a crossroads - do I give up now or try to procede? My female friend lives the other side of Britain so I couldn't introduce them casually, for her to give him guidance.

This sounds very frustrating OP.

It’s not exactly the same, but my
DS has ADHD, and I find it very frustrating to have to go through a separate exercise of getting his attention before speaking to him. Not his fault but it is frustrating, especially when you need to just ask someone something quickly.

I would break it off tbh, as he’s a boyfriend not your son! Or at least make it clear that it’s either working hearing aids (at his expense) or break it off.

Plenty of advice here and I haven’t searched each results page but haven’t seen anyone else mention - the newer Apple AirPods Pro are £250 and can act as hearing aids, if that might be a lower cost lower stakes and more palatable solution

I have an NHS hearing aid the kind with bluetooth and connect to my phone, they work really well. The expensive ones do the exact same thing, but cost a lot and some are chargeable, no one sees mine as it is a clear tube into the ear so people are surprised I have one in. The less he uses them the worse the hearing becomes. He's not doing himself any favours. I'd throw this one back.

There are some who would definitely benefit from using HAs, but still have enough hearing to get by and kid themselves the problem lies with people who mumble or don't pronounce their words properly.🙄

Audiologists can testify it's the non-deaf partner in any relationship who is usually the one who feels the greatest relief when HAs are finally fitted.

Vanity seems to be the main reason people resist wearing aids and it's only when they can't hear a thing without them they concede defeat.

I should have clarified. He is the one who turns the radio on really loud, not me. He listens to talk radio which is near impossible anyway in a busy hour in the morning, but he turns it up so loud that he can hear it clearly but then can't hear me. Then expects me to yell above all the noise so he can hear.

The problem with NHS aids is they tend to be bought from one supplier (usually the one offering the best deal to gain the contract) and with HAs you do need to try different ones from different manufacturers. I bought mine privately because the only aids my local trust would supply were Phonak and to me they sounded tinny and awful.

If you do decide to buy, you can try aids for up to 60 days and get a refund. You can then repeat the process with aids from another manufacturer until you the find right ones for you (or not). A good audiologist will spend time fine-tuning the aids to achieve the right sound for you.

I've just checked my supplier's price list and their most expensive aids with the latest technology are £3895 per pair; the cheapest are £1895 per pair. It's also worth noting that with HAs the most expensive ones don't equate to the best sound quality; it's very subjective.

After two trials with other manufacturers, I settled on Widex. They cost just under £3k and I could hear perfectly from day one when my audiologist set them up for me.

The biggest preventer of dementia is wearing hearing aids.

I don't have the answer to this I'm afraid but I can totally sympathise. My late DM was rather deaf over the last 10 years of her life. She was given an NHS hearing aid but said she 'couldn't get on with it'. I found it very draining having to constantly repeat myself,plus the added irritation of her thinking that every time I spoke to someone else who was with us,I was speaking to her. After a few hours of this,I felt mentally exhausted!

My private ones are chalk and cheese compared with the NHS ones.

My audiologist explained that the private ones are the latest version but that some/all NHS trusts are buying older versions from the same supplier.

But it's not just the aids themselves, the time/quality of the tweaking is also chalk and cheese. For mine, the private audiologist spent ages "tweaking" the settings, then did repeat hearing test/tweaking a couple of weeks later, and again another couple of weeks later. Taking on board my comments about what I could hear, what was causing problems, and making adjustments. Compare that with the NHS where the initial "fitting" was a rushed 10 minute appointment, no tweaking at all, just uploaded the settings from the hearing test, with a "call us if any problems" which I did, and couldn't get a review appointment for 2/3 months later, which was another 10 minute appointment with another disinterested worker who basically dismissed my comments and just shrugged saying "it is as it is"!

My DH doesn’t have a hearing issue but can never hear me but this seems to be lately! It infuriates me! I can’t always remember to talk loudly and repeating myself is so annoying! However he’s my DH and perfect if every other way and literally can’t help it, this new fella of yours can change things but won’t… I’d throw him back!

Man this breaks my heart. My son is deaf. He finds hearing aids in a crowded place incredibly difficult and not actually helpful. They magnify sound, they do not replace lost hearing. Your speech is as magnified as the speech of others.
Hearing fatigue is a real thing. It takes twice as much energy to “hear” speech when you don’t have it.
your new chap does need to go back to audiology and have the aids tested though, sweat corroded my sons and the batteries were dying after an hour,
please give this guy a chance if “hearing” or lack of it is the only issue.

I could do this with mine but choose not to as it gives me a headache. I just keep my aids on and turn off the Bluetooth.

Doesn't have a hearing issue but can never hear you??

Has he had his hearing tested?

My NHS ones were adjusted I think 3 times but in the end they did just shrug and say "it is what it is". I havent seen them since but tbf I've not chased them either.

If buying private was hundreds I'd be more open to them but £4000+ (I need 2) is a lot to spend on something I'm not sure will work.

If you are finding it frustrating after 4-5 dates, it's not going to get better. His hearing loss won't resolve itself. Can you live with that.
My DM has loss and refuses to contemplate aids because that's acknowledging that shes old. Conversation is incredibly frustrating as everything has to be repeated 2-3 times. I find myself talking to her less and less because it's irritating, especially as it's solvable, but she just refuses to even try.So you aren't wrong to consider whether there is a future in this relationship

You are four dates in and you are frustrated and exhausted at exactly the point when everything should be shiny and new and exciting.

By all means tell him honestly how you’re feeling but don’t expect miracles. He’s showing you how he deals with his own health and it’s up to you to decide whether you could live with this. I couldn’t.

Whatever You decide to do, he is shoring up big problems for himself in the future. If his auditory nerve isn’t getting enough stimulation in the way of an effective hearing aid then over time, his brain will slow down lose the ability to interpret speech in normal time.

DH is losing his hearing (he's 61) and while he's been told by our GP and Specsavers that he needs hearing aids, he's in utter denial. We not only live together but work together as well... so I get the impact all round. He totally relies on me to hear for him, and I'm getting incredibly fed up with it. He takes down phone numbers wrong at work, hears wrong details and makes mistakes because of it. Family get togethers are a nightmare as he can't hear what the conversation is and then interrupts loudly "who are you talking about/what was that". It's draining and infuriating. Honestly OP if you value your sanity, walk away. Men who won't help themselves are not women's projects to fix.

I’m partially deaf and wear hearing aids. They do help to a point but it’s not like glasses and back to 20/20 in hearing

background noise is awful and loud noise /some tv etc

if he doesn’t get on with a pair he can go back and try a different brand

but yes if he won’t try I get you want out

equally even tho I wear them I don’t hear everything and dh did get annoyed at times and I would have to say - I’m deaf - repeat - or look at me - or call my name. The talk to me etc

If you want to try private aids you can do so without any risk of losing money.

You can trial private HAs for 60 days and get a full refund if they're not suitable, and then start a new trial with aids from another manufacturer for another 60 days if you want to persevere.

The most expensive aids offered by the company I use are in the region of £3.5k per pair - and, depending on your type of hearing loss, you probably wouldn't have to spend that much to get really decent technology.

People who have unaddressed hearing loss have a much greater risk of developing dementia, it’s very important to take steps to preserve your hearing.
I wonder if he knows this?

As someone with an elderly parent who insists it’s everyone and everything that is the cause of her not hearing well and that her hearing problem is secondary, you are not being unreasonable. It is exhausting trying to communicate with someone when you have to repeat every second sentence. Not to mention the fact that when she goes to an appointment alone, I’m left playing guessing games as to what the doctor said.

Wow I was completely unaware of the link between these!

He’s told you that the NHS aids aren’t any good and he’s not willing to spend money on better ones, so those are the terms of any relationship he’s offering you. If easy communication without having to think about the method of it, is important to you, then this might not be the relationship for you.

I have NHS hearing aids which, I must admit, I don't wear very often, but they are excellent! The batteries aren't a problem because I can just take my little prescription card to the local library and pick up replacements whenever I need them.