AIBU to feel drained by boyfriend refusing to wear hearing aids?

[MellowRedHiker]

New boyfriend on the scene. He is a lovely guy and someone I would consider getting into a relationship with. He is hard of hearing and I very often have to repeat myself and speak louder so he can hear me. I find it tiring and draining over a period of a few hours. I've only met up with him 4 or 5 times. He's told me he has hearing aids but doesn't wear them. They are NHS ones which he said distorted sounds and was given batteries that turned out to be dud. He returned the batteries and were given more, which also weren't holding a charge so he gave up. I suggested he buy a new set of batteries and try and get used to the aids. He said he wasn't going to waste his money as he could get them for free off NHS. I am very frustrated and exhausted with my efforts of communication which is important to me in a new relationship but also by his attitude. He does have money, (without going into details here) bought a brand new motorbike few months ago and enjoys many holidays abroad etc. I have a friend who has hearing aids who told me hers were paid private and technology improves virtually daily, lots of various settings and can be rechargeable. He could have demos but would need to pay in region of £2000 - £2500. How can I get through to him that I can't cope, without my complaint falling on deaf ears - No pun intended. He hasn't dated for some years, but he does have a good friendship circle of men, cycling, motorcycling, yes which I can only assume the friends have deeper, stronger voices or their conversation doesn't need the same necessary input. I'm at a crossroads - do I give up now or try to procede? My female friend lives the other side of Britain so I couldn't introduce them casually, for her to give him guidance.

I feel for him OP but it doesn’t seem like he’s in the headspace to deal with it really.

I’m not going to quote the post up thread, but to say that dealing with someone’s disability is ‘annoying’ is dreadful and you should think hard about your attitude to disability.

He understands me face to face but in a busy household with kids I'm often talking while cooking or making lunches etc and I repeat and repeat and repeat, often yelling over the radio on loud. I cannot live my life like this.

Why on earth would you expect somebody to be able to hear you over all that? Even with a hearing aid, that would just amplify the music, the kids, the cooking and everything else, making it equally impossible to hear and painful as well to boot.

This is more a you problem than a him problem.

.

You can drive while completely deaf.
I know of bus drivers who are deaf

Edit- there was a post about being able to drive if deaf, which got deleted but I hope they don't mind that I've kept in my response because its a common thing people are surprised by!

I remember when my now late DH started to find it harder to hear.
He obviously found it frustrating, and there was an inevitable period of denial where he accused us all of mumbling.
I tried to make adjustments, such as attracting his attention and looking straight at him, etc, but it wasn’t always possible, for example whilst one of us was driving.
I missed the spontaneous conversation, pointing out something of interest in passing ( often by the time he heard it was no longer in sight). I pretty much stopped communicating about anything ‘trivial’
He wouldn’t use subtitles on the TV and I struggled with the volume as I couldn’t ignore it whilst I read.
He then tried a hearing aid, got on pretty well with it, and things improved greatly.
TBH if your boyfriend dismisses your concerns during this ‘honeymoon period’ of your relationship ( which of course he is fully entitled to do. It’s his choice), then I don’t see much future for you.

As a hearing aid wearer for mild hearing loss, do you know what it is like wearing them? As someone else has said it’s not like glasses or a physical mobility aid for example. It can take a lot of getting used to and can be really overwhelming and overstimulating sometimes because they maximise everything, after a day wearing them I have to say I am glad to take them off and can struggle sometimes in busier environments to remain focused on conversation because the background noise amplified is really hard to block out which in itself is exhausting and actually also adds to the isolation in social situations which you would think not being able to hear would be the case. I live by myself and work from home a lot so to be honest often during these times I don’t wear them as don’t need to and can find it exhausting wearing them for extended periods of time, the whole lived experience is different. I would have a sensitive conversation explaining your understanding but also that it is a two way street that he will need to try and take steps to also help himself, above all for his own benefit as well.

This is a fair point. Hearing aids tend to struggle so I would likely turn mine down and off in a situation where there was a loud radio, someone opening and closing drawers, chopping noises and multiple people talking

Environments with competing noises are a real struggle for hearing aids

I couldn't put up with that kind of "attitude problem" from any friend/family, let alone a potential partner/boyfriend.

I can only do with people who actually help themselves rather than relying constantly on "freebies" or other people adapting for them,

Yes, I know all about hearing aids. I have them myself. Yes, the NHS ones can be pretty useless - I've had two sets over the years and neither were helpful at all so after trying for several months each time (with multiple return appointments at the local hospital audiology dept) I gave up with them each time and muddled through without.

But eventually, I realised it was impacting my life and that of my friends and family, and also my work, so I bit the bullet and went private. What a massive difference! Yes, expensive, but the service was second to none, I could get them "tweaked" with minor adjustments to suit my environment, plus different extra settings for loud environments etc - adjustment appointments were free and easy to arrange, none of this waiting for months, they could usually fit me in within a few days for an appointment time that suited me, not the "take it or leave it" attitude of the NHS.

The OP's boyfriend is probably right that the NHS hearing aids havn't been properly calibrated for him, but that up to him to keep going back to get them adjusted. If he still can't do with them, then it's up to him to go private instead to get better ones properly calibrated to his hearing and his environments.

If he can't be arsed to do that, he doesn't deserve a partner/girlfriend!

I used to have the same thing with my mum and it’s so much easier now she has hearing aids!

As for your situation, being able to communicate with each other is vital and there’s nothing wrong with not continuing if communication is too difficult for any reason, including this one.

It’s interesting this is the second post I’ve seen on AIBU in as many weeks suggesting people with hearing loss are being lazy or selfish in not wearing hearing aids. As previous posters have said, it’s not the same as wearing glasses as hearing aids don't give you perfect hearing or anything close.

Tbh, I’m really saddened and disappointed at the lack of empathy on these threads. If you find it tiring making an effort to communicate with one person, imagine how exhausting it is for that person to try to communicate with everyone. It is very isolating to lose your hearing - even with hearing aids in it is really difficult to engage in conversation and socialise with background noise - air con, music or radio or out of the home in a pub or restaurant with other people. And, it is really upsetting when people become obviously frustrated with you not being able to hear what they are saying. People treat you like you are a hindrance or like you are stupid.

I understand that you might find it frustrating that you feel he has a solution that he doesn’t use, but as others have said it is not a perfect solution and you might not feel the benefit even if he used them. It is a bit like being frustrated that your friend can’t keep up with you when you run because they won’t use crutches for their broken leg because they find it hard to use crutches - even with the crutches they won’t be able to keep up with you so you have to reflect on whether you have the tolerance for that, but be realistic that you are the one ruling them out of your life because they have a broken leg not because they won’t use the crutches.

And, there is a link between dementia and hearing loss - which is one of the reasons I wear my hearing aids pretty much all the time - but part of that link (as I understand it) is to do with the fact people with hearing loss are often socially isolated because of the difficulties staying socially involved when it is so hard to communicate with other people.

To those who are understanding and try to involve those of us with hearing loss: turning to face us, patiently repeating things and turning the background music off when it’s clear we can’t hear - thank you❤️.

edited for formatting

I think you may have misquoted my post? As I didn't mention vanity at all.

Although maybe vanity does play a part for some people I personally have had several strangers tell me I'm "not old enough to need that" (ie. My mobility aid). It's a funny old world. And by funny I mean absolutely not geared towards disabilities. (I don't care about my perceived age or lack thereof btw but clearly random strangers do!😂)

My mobility aid is also very exhausting to use, and unreliable in lots of situations, and means I am stereotyped by people or expected to spill my medical history on any random Tuesday, it changes how I am treated (it's much, much more obvious than a hearing aid). I'd say 75% of people try their best to be understanding. The other 25% make me despair at humanity. So I do get it, that some people don't want to use adaptations. I live it too.

I think we all have different needs even within each bracket of disability, it hurts my brain to think about it really. But it does seem like private hearing aids are the best for adaptability/fine tuning as per pp.

I would walk away from this relationship. You've only had 4 or 5 dates. It sounds like he has a busy life and has been single for a long time. It sounds like having a meaningful relationship is pretty low on his list of priorities. He's showing a very stingy attitude and it sounds like he has plenty of money but is selective on what he's willing to spend it on. His comment about not buying batteries because they should be 'free' on the NHS would give me the ick.

The main issue though, as that he just doesn't care that he can't hear you and any impact that might have on your dates together and the communication between you. You absolutely cannot be making demands on him around hearing aids. Just tell him you aren't able to communicate properly with him so you don't want to pursue a relationship with him because communication is very important to you. If he likes you and is serious about a relationship, he will tell you he will sort it out and he will do it. Otherwise, let him go.

where do you meet him? Don’t pick noisy pubs or bars and try to make sure there’s enough lighting so that he can see you.

Try and speak clearly and use expressions and gestures to help aid his understanding.

there are plenty of resources to help improve communication.

They are helpful and considerate things to do, but it's not the OP's responsibility to counteract his unwillingness to take reasonable steps to be able to hear. He just doesn't think it's important to be able to hear the OP. It's not a good sign.

If he said he had ED and wouldn't take viagra, would you be advising the OP to go buy some sexy underwear and give him a striptease to help him? She's not a rehab service for incompetent men.

Frigg right off 😂😂

I am happy in my partially silent world where my brain is fully functional and exercised daily by the many many other fulfilling elements of my life - I.e career, connections, sport. I’m not exactly pootling about like a mute letting my Braincells succumb to nothingness.

I'd be more concerned with his dismissive attitude to be honest. Won't pay money for something quality when he can get something for free, it doesn't sound like a world view of someone I'd like to be with.

This. @MellowRedHiker don't tie yourself to a miserly tight-wallet who is always on the look-out for a freebie.

Oh get a grip- I don’t sit there ignoring people calling my name and pretend to be deaf. But it makes people more deliberate and considered about what and when they speak to me and it can save folk asking me questions for the sake of it, and I also get less phone calls / random drops past my desk which helps unnecessary interruptions at work so I can get more done.

There are plenty times it works to my advantage to be honest

Fine. But it’s not to the advantage of anyone else. Of course you are the main "sufferer" and how you cope is up to you, but you are surely aware that you’re not the only one affected. As someone who lives with a partner with a hearing problem I have to say I find it enormously frustrating and I don’t understand why someone with that problem wouldn’t want to at least try to improve things.

If your DH is happy with the way things are, obviously no problem. But you are both missing out on all those little shared things that contribute a lot to a relationship - the muttered aside, the casual, spontaneous comment, the off-the-cuff joke.

If I were OP I would tell him it’s a deal-breaker. If he tries good ones and really can’t get on with them, fair enough I suppose (though I have a friend who turns hers off in crowded, noisy places but keeps them switched on all the rest of the time) but to not even try properly just seems selfish to me. Sorry.

Good advice, but you can't always choose quiet places, i.e. shopping centres, airports, train stations, restaurants etc are all often inherently noisy, so if he won't help himself, then you're always going to struggle, not just getting him to hear you, but you'll end up having to deal with other people, i.e. ordering meals, asking shop assistants, communicating with airport staff, etc., as he won't be able to hear what they're saying to him, won't be able to hear announcements etc. You'll end up being his "crutch" in all the normal/loud places.

Good advice, especially the telling him you can't have a relationship with him unless he starts to deal with his hearing loss. You shouldn't be compromising so early in a relationship. He needs a "nudge" to take it seriously and deal with it and if that means threatening to break up with him, then so be it. You'll soon see how serious he is about you.

This.

Possibly consider whether your communication could change? He isn’t the only person you know who is Deaf or has hearing loss, I can guarantee you that.

If you’re not able or willing to change, then fine, stop seeing him.

It's extremely tiring living with someone who misses a lot of what you say.

And yes, you are at a much higher risk of dementia if you have hearing loss.

And yes, they are harder to get used to and take a bit of looking after.

If this is irritating you now, I'd call it a day.

You’re over here acting like that I’m a deaf mute? 😂 Of course we have stupid wee jokes and have a great relationship with spontaneous. I’m partially deaf- not a recluse. Which means people are a bit more considered / deliberate about communicating with me and just don’t expect me to hear them hollering from upstairs / across an office which is what works to my advantage.

Im not here walking through life deliberately ignoring people in perpetual solitude.

God forbid someone with a lived experience of having a disability comes and shares their experience and admits that it’s not the end of the world for them and that available tech actually doesn’t benefit them and that they manage without.

As an introvert I would love a partially silent world but I watched my SIL (ex physics teacher, socially active etc. slide into dementia, in part because she just refused to wear her hearing aids. People avoided her because she would get angry with them for “mumbling” and her house was impossible to visit because her radio or TV would be turned up to full volume. Her carers quit because she shouted at them, she had no idea how to speak in a normal voice. Her world became very small.

I’m not pretending hearing aids are not without their problems but the alternative seems worse.