DSS resents his did for the situation his mum is in.

[nevermatchtoesandfingers]

DSS is 19, at uni he is disrespectful to DH and treats him like an ATM. DH and DSS’s mum split after a relatively short relationship when he was 1. No marriage, no assets. He met me shortly after, married relatively quickly bought a house and we worked hard to support DSS whilst accumulating wealth for ourselves. DH and I have supported him and his mum, paid for him to be privately educated and he is now at a top tier uni. His mum struggles, can’t seem to keep a steady job and has moved from rental to rental. Now at 19, DSS needs to be on the rental agreement, she has had to move far away from his uni due to costs. DSS works to contribute to his mum. He is SO angry at his dad for leaving his mum, he thinks he should have stayed and given him a stable upbringing rather than him feeling responsible for his mum. I think he IBU?

👏 agree

Yes quite.

Did op and DH at least have 50/50? I don't think any court would deny this of a competent parent but op hasn't clarified if they tried to get full custody after having 50/50 or were struggling to get even that.

Op it's possible that no-one is wrong in this situation (well other then the ex). Sometimes you can do everything right and have the best intentions and still feelings are hurt. Ds is dealing with a difficult situation that he is too young for really. Ultimately the blame lies mostly with his mother who it seems has struggles and of course DSS is emotionally invested.

He is blaming DH because as the child, the parents are both responsible for where he is regardless of good intentions. Sometimes things are just shit.

All you can do is continue to support DS, offer him a home, a supportive ear and gentle advice. Be honest about the past, don't slag her off but don't sugar coat the ex's actions that will just undermine dss feelings.

I would try and see if you could support DS living independently, although really the issue is that Dss feels responsible for his mum so may not want that. It maybe what it takes however, rock bottom and all that.

@Andouillette this situation is different though. Would you have left if your Dh from the outset kept hold of the kid?

To all people who say waring parents staying together isn't the answer - the assumption is always that if this is from the woman's point of view and her husband is an abusive alcoholic that she takes the kids, not runs away and leaves them behind.

The problem in this case wasn't that they didn't get along but that the mum was an abusive alcoholic and by the sounds of it not fit to parent well a one year old.

I wonder, as this is his first year at Uni, if this is about his own financial situation.
Could this have blown up because he feels he is short of money at Uni, eg does he get a full student loan?
Is he at a place where accomodation is expensive? or possibly mixing with an affluent group of friends?

I can understand your DSS’ feelings and am saddened by the lack of empathy that some responses show for him. I’m sure your DH did try his best but as others have said, the disconnect between home life and school and even time with the other parent in a more stable environment just fed the despair at the reality. One of my father’s girlfriends once told me at age 12, that I should be “grateful for the break” when I went to his house for the weekend. I wasn’t. I was worried sick about whether my mother’s husband would have beaten her up, if my siblings (yes, technically half siblings but they were little and I loved them and took care of them) had enough to eat, if the electric was on…
It took years for me to break out of the role I’d been groomed for as my mother’s companion, co-parent and ATM. At 19 I despised my father because all I could see was that he could have done more. I didn’t understand that it would have been inappropriate and frankly, throwing good money away. It took a long time to accept the situation and that (in his case, a very limited way), he’d done all he was capable of.
Please get some support from a family therapist. Your DSS needs help to understand that his mother is not his responsibility, that it’s possible to be angry and resentful whilst still loving and feeling very tied to someone. It’s not about money.

Why are you all propping this woman up? Can’t she take responsibility for herself?

The 10-100% , was that about custody arrangements? What ages were those and how often?

I don’t think anyone is really unreasonable here. DSS is a 19 year old who is working to support his mum, and who has probably been hearing this same excuse from his mum all his life, he’s repeating what he knows and is in the position at only 19 of being made responsible for his parent- that is really shit.

Does that mean his dad should have stayed? No, of course not. But it’s a really rubbish position he has ended up in and he needs someone to blame.

I didn’t read it in the same way, but maybe the father did do everything in his power to have his child - in that case, it should be more straightforward to have a clear conversation to explain all the steps he took and how he was stopped by the courts and his regrets that he wasn’t successful.

Look at the National Association for the Children of Alcoholic parents. This young man is parenting his mother. He may well be extremely loyal to her, but beneath that, he’ll know exactly what’s going on. Helping him should be your priority now, not by enabling this woman, because no help will ever be enough, but by asking gentle questions, and showing him that he’s not responsible for a grown woman. Too often, the wider family adopt the same euphemisms, and turning away of heads as the addict and their co- dependent. You can subtly help him to see that he does not have to do this, a reminder that he’s always welcome in your home, permission to focus on his studies, offer to help him build a cv for when he wants to begin his career, maybe work experience or study abroad. Working to supplement his student loan is great, this is not. You may be surprised what happens if you find a way to open the conversation. But never speak disrespectfully of her, just don’t skirt the issues. If she has ongoing drug and alcohol issues, name it, if she has mental health issues ask how she is managing her symptoms, ask if she is accepting treatment options. Be open with him, his Dad can be honest about why he couldn’t stay with the Mum, and how worried he was for his son. He can acknowledge how hard it must have been. His Dad was not wrong to leave and it can be very difficult to show that someone is not able to care for their child. But responsibility for this boy did not end at 18. He needs you both now.

Agree

I think the mother is being a bit pathetic tbh. I brought up my DS completely alone and still managed to find a career, do a degree and buy my own home without any maintenance or benefits whatsoever. Tough luck if she just sits back waiting for handouts all her life. It isnt going to happen.

It sounds like he doesn't mean this personally. He's frustrated at the responsibility of managing his mother and thinks that in hindsight things would've been easier if his Dad was also at home to shoulder the burden. I wonder if he would actually prefer to live full time with you - if he's not already - to reduce interactions with his Mum. There would be a lot of guilt around admitting to this, if it is something he wants.

Counselling could help him process his childhood and understand where the resentment is coming from. If she had addiction issues when he was small that can have long term reprecussions for a child's development and he may not have fully resolved how he feels about it all.

No, I would have tried to get 100% custody which he did, the law presumably thought a bad mother was a better option.

Exactly this. I think you are understandably defensive of your DH, but I think you need to take a step back and consider why this is happening. It’s a tough situation for your DSS and he is probably lashing out. Might not be fair, but so often we take our feelings out on those whose affection and support we are most sure of.

Playing devils advocate- apart from paying for private school, was your DH an involved father? Could there be resentment that your DH wasn’t as involved as a parent as his son would have wished (whatever the reasons for that)?

But you shouldn't have had to. The fact you didn't get the support you and your son were entitled to doesn't exculpate other parents from doing their duty.

And to be clear, I'm not saying OP's husband didn't do his duty, we don't know enough yet. She hasn't said why their bids for custody were unsuccessful. I'm just making the point that all parents have a duty, even if some of them shirk it.

Family therapy would REALLY help here. None of you are being unreasonable. Your stepson really needs to talk about his feelings alongside a mediator as he obviously isn’t in a good place and that would worry me.

Does this also apply to mothers?

that the best thing they can do for their child is love their father?

if not why not?

So, you've mentioned that your husband chucked money at his child, but don't really talk about any actual support.

How many times did he fight for custody? Did he keep going back to the courts? Did he atrempt to build more of a case? What about when DS was old enough to speak for hinself? I appreciate these relationships are complex and the child often doesn't want to leave the failing parent or speak out against them, because they already feel responsible.

My point is, hand on heart, did your DH do enough?

They weren’t even married. If a relationship doesn’t work out as two people aren’t compatible it’s not fair to expect then to continue. What would you say to a woman whose partner is abusive - is she supposed to stay just because she has a child? Why is a man supposed to stay in an abusive relationship? The non abusive person generally leaves. The challenge is when the abusive person ends up with custody. But that’s not the OP’s DH’s fault .

Many people, both men and women.

dh’s ex had an affair starting when their kids were 1 and 4. Kicked dh out and moved him in a year later.

i do think she’s a lifelong wanker personally. Like you say, who does that.

We only have OPs word for it that the DM had/has drug and alcohol problems. If this was the case they clearly weren’t evidenced sufficiently to support DHs claim for total custody. Did he make a claim when leaving? What custody arrangement was there when his full claim failed - 50:50. This does not compute with child maintenance payments. With a high income this suggests no overnight care. Did DS not want to live with you because he had no experience of living with you both as care givers?

TBH DH sounds as if he has been an absent parent (physically and emotionally) who had only provided financially. If DH had provided 50:50 care whilst DS was younger this would have provided stability for DS and allowed time for his mum to seek support (if she needed it) and to rebuild her life and work potential. DS has been old enough for several years to express a preference. Was his preference to stay with his mum?.

It is not clear whether financial support ended when DS turned 18. DS’s eligibility for student loan would be determined by income of the parent he lived with. Maybe DH did not want his son living with him at that point because student loan would have been reduced and he’d be expected to contribute to uni costs.

If child maintenance ended at 18 and DH is no longer contributing it is no wonder that DS and his mum are struggling financially both during term time if he lives away and during the times when DS is living with his mum.

I have been married 30 years but STBEX stopped child maintenance when DS turned 18. I can’t charge DS what DH paid as minimum child maintenance as this would exceed his student loan and he still lives at home so the costs are the same but income to meet them is reduced because absent parents are not legally required to contribute to living costs of dependant adult children.

ATM suggests ad hoc payments that have to be requested in times of hardship. The situation could and should have been managed better. But mismanagement despite financial flexibility is being used as an opportunity to criticise DS as entitled and his mum as feckless.

"DSS doesn’t need to support his mum"

Now there's an opinion a son might disagree with.

You’ve mentioned the money again but not the time he actually spent being a father.

OP’s husband staying with the ex does not mean his son would have had a better life. He is just as likely to have had a worse one.

OP and her husband worked together to build financial security. In an entirely different, and volatile, relationship, her husband may not have been able to do the same.

I wonder how much of her envy and resentment the ex has shared with her son? How much she has framed herself as a victim of her ex?

It isn’t as easy as ‘get full custody’. The father couldn’t have just removed the son from the mother. There are plenty of threads on here from mothers exhausted by futile court battles, and despairing that they have to continue coparenting with alcoholic, drug addicted, and abusive exes to know that.