DSS resents his did for the situation his mum is in.

[nevermatchtoesandfingers]

DSS is 19, at uni he is disrespectful to DH and treats him like an ATM. DH and DSS’s mum split after a relatively short relationship when he was 1. No marriage, no assets. He met me shortly after, married relatively quickly bought a house and we worked hard to support DSS whilst accumulating wealth for ourselves. DH and I have supported him and his mum, paid for him to be privately educated and he is now at a top tier uni. His mum struggles, can’t seem to keep a steady job and has moved from rental to rental. Now at 19, DSS needs to be on the rental agreement, she has had to move far away from his uni due to costs. DSS works to contribute to his mum. He is SO angry at his dad for leaving his mum, he thinks he should have stayed and given him a stable upbringing rather than him feeling responsible for his mum. I think he IBU?

So he left a very young child with a woman with a fierce tempet, drug and alcohol issues while he went off to "accumulate wealth" with another woman. And you really can't understand why the child might be resentful as an adult?

Your DSS is entirely unreasonable. He will mature and see that he is wrong to think like this.

Relationships end. That’s life. There is a question over whether he should have taken his son full time but ultimately his son is choosing to be responsible for his mom. Nobody is forcing that on him.

Exactly how much time did DH spend with his son as a child, freeing up mum to work and get help for her issues? Presumably the arrangement was at least 50/50 if DH was keen to have full custody? No? You surprise me.

Your dss may be at a top tier uni but he needs to grown the hell up and stop being an idiot. Seriously, stop pandering to him and allowing him to treat your family like an atm. He’s an entitled twat.

He's angry that he was left as a child baring the brunt of his mums mental health and addiction issues. He's angry that is Dad left at the coat of his own childhood.
He's allowed to feel that way.
I always find it unbelievable father's leave because the partners mh is poor and they have addiction issues but leave their children.
Money is no replacement for stability.
If my dh had those issues I would only leave if I knew I could take the children with me. I certainly wouldn't leave them dealing with it alone.

I don’t know any 19 year old students who aren’t having any support financially from parents. They are either living at home rent-free or they are living at university with loan-if minimum loan-which is topped up by parents and working.

Is your DH still contributing to him?

DSS is normal to feel that DH chose himself over his son. Clearly he sees how hard his mums life is compared to his dads and knows that if DH had stayed with his mum then his mum would have had a better life.

Being so young and taking responsibility for your parent(s) is overwhelming. I feel very sorry for your stepson, and while he isn’t being fair to his dad right now, I think you should cut him some slack. His mother’s chaotic life isn’t his fault, he presumably hasn’t done anything to cause it.

Obviously the boy is damaged by being involved with his druggy mother.

Yes his father should have put him first.
But he chose to move on and have a new relationship.
You have done your best, but he's not your child.

His father didn't do enough and his son has every right to be angry to be left with an unstable mother.

A good parent puts their child first, not themselves.
I cannot imagine how burdened this young man must feel.
I have children around that age, good hard working children.
I cannot imagine them being able to take responsibility for me and my housing.
A truly awful burden for him.

No. He should made damned sure she wouldn't get pregnant.

If your DH has enough money to support DSS through private school he has enough money to support him through uni. He needs to sit down, tell DSS he is not responsible for his mother and should now focus on his own life. Invite him to stay with you in the uni holidays and his Dad should support him to get a place in a student house/halls for term time. And get him some help from one of the charities that help the children of addicts - Addiction Family SUpport or NACoA spring to mind.

An entitled twat who had to live as a child with a woman whose temper was so bad, an adult couldn’t cope with it. You might want to reconsider your statement.

Other than private education and finances, how often did you DP have DSS etc? Would he have been able to accrue such (mass by the sounds of it) wealth if he had a child to look after/find care for a lot of the time? It’s obviously not his fault she didn’t keep a job etc but it’s a very difficult situation being a single mum in such a polar opposite financial place to your ex.

Maybe nobody is “forcing” him exactly but he has essentially been groomed throughout his whole life to take care of him mum and to be a balance to her instability. Family dynamics can be extremely hard to break out of and he is only 19 so likely still enmeshed with her emotionally.

From the outside it may look like a choice to help her but i doubt he sees it like that.

DSS clearly is going to think his Dad should have stayed because if he had, dss’ life would have been better and he wouldn’t be struggling single handedly with such big responsibilities at his young age. Instead Dad walked away leaving dss alone in a situation which he, an adult admits he couldn’t cope with.

I think lots of parents stay in imperfect situations to protect their families tbh. Whether they should or not is obviously a decision for the individual.

I think some family therapy might be a good idea and perhaps your DH should make future financial support contingent on it. DSS is being unreasonable but it’s not surprising that he resents he didn’t have a happy stable childhood. It’s also not his responsibility to give her money now.

That's quite a big drip feed! So he tried to get custody and failed. How many times? And what else did he do to protect his son from his alcohol/drug-abusing mother?

He’s 19. This is not new. He needs to be more mature. Sadly plenty of kids have challenging childhoods but aspire and do bettter in worse circumstances without access to an atm.

There seems to be a disjunct btwn my question and your answer.

Do you mean that the lad pays board to his mother while a student?

A very good question. He may have very good reasons for feeling neglected by his father - perhaps he was.

Even though your husband provided your son a good education, there are societal wide factors that contributed to this situation being unfair on the mother.

Your husband wasn’t expected to contribute to the costs of childcare during her parenting time.

Just being the primary parent carries an economic cost. The pickups, sick days, and random school closed days all have impacts on a person’s ability to progress at work. This is normally shared in a relationship, but with a split it becomes solely the burden of the primary parent.

perhaps the mother was feckless, but she may also have been like many other mothers raising their children without the father. Society is indifferent to the true economic reality of being the primary parent. Child maintenance doesn’t make a dent.

it might be time for father and son to have a bigger conversation. Acknowledging the harsh realities of the world might help process some of the anger.

It may also be that if the son has real financial burdens during university, his dad should be helping him. Even if those burdens are somewhat the mother’s fault. They certainly are not the fault of the 19 year old who is just trying to make a better life for himself.

It all depends just how much dh was there for his son.

It’s all good and well paying for private school but his home life sounds poor at best with his mum.

How often was he actually being a dad, how much support did ds get outside of a fancy school while living with drug and alcohol dependant.

Because school vs home would be miles apart lifestyle Wise, couldn’t exactly take friends home to mums house.

If your dh answer was school fee’s, maintenance and eow then yeah he still let his son down.

No, of course she shouldn’t have stayed. That’s an incredibly simplistic and unrealistic view of the current situation. Two parents who loathe each other would not have given him as stable, happy upbringing anyway, especially with drug and alcohol abuse.

I recommend your DH finds a good therapist for his son. His anger will be mixed with feelings of protectiveness to his mum, even if he knows her issues are not of his dad’s making.

Could he live with you guys to make Uni easier and relieve him of the pressures his mum is sharing? It sounds like he needs protecting from her dysfunctional life.

Sounds like his mother put him up to this.

DSS needs some emotional support from someone trained to unpick the issues around an addict parent.

Can DH buy a property in trust for DSS to live in?