DSS resents his did for the situation his mum is in.

[nevermatchtoesandfingers]

DSS is 19, at uni he is disrespectful to DH and treats him like an ATM. DH and DSS’s mum split after a relatively short relationship when he was 1. No marriage, no assets. He met me shortly after, married relatively quickly bought a house and we worked hard to support DSS whilst accumulating wealth for ourselves. DH and I have supported him and his mum, paid for him to be privately educated and he is now at a top tier uni. His mum struggles, can’t seem to keep a steady job and has moved from rental to rental. Now at 19, DSS needs to be on the rental agreement, she has had to move far away from his uni due to costs. DSS works to contribute to his mum. He is SO angry at his dad for leaving his mum, he thinks he should have stayed and given him a stable upbringing rather than him feeling responsible for his mum. I think he IBU?

You already know the answer to this, obviously not, but are you concerned that a 19 year old in college is having to work to support his mother. I know he's an adult but that's awful and at 19, it's very unfair. he's carrying the burden of his mother's failure to work and support her own life.

He left as they weren’t compatible, her mood swings are huge and he couldn’t handle it. She had drug and alcohol problems. Tried to get custody but couldn’t prove it, sadly

Ignoring the financial privileges, how do you think it was for DS to live with someone with huge mood swings that an adult couldn’t handle and drug and alcohol abuse problems ?

Here’s the thing, your DSS doesn’t necessarily resent your DH for leaving his mum. He resents him for leaving HIM, a child , in that situation and having to grow up in an unstable environment, probably being parentified. He had no choice to leave like your DH did. There’s going to be resentment because of that too. And you know what? Fair enough, on both counts.

Now, you and your DH can either listen, a cape and understand his resentment and try to fix it and help him, or you can go all “but we tool you to Stately homes paid for private school”.

No, but he is a parent, and so what affects his son so badly is obviously his concern..Parenting definitely doesn't end at 18 even when things are reasonably plain sailing.

And now you have shared that his mum had big substance issues etc it's not surprising that the son feels resentful. Was paying for private education the only support?.Did he get emotional support and a safe stable home with you and dh through his childhood and adolescence when your dh did have contact?

There's an awful lot of context still missing op and it's perhaps unfortunate your first post focused on son's resentment without sharing more background in terms if the parenting and support your dh has given his son over the years.

How often did he see DSS? Was it 50/50 or was he hardly present in his life and just seeing him a couple of weekends a month?

No but I understand why dss would want that. In that alternative reality, he wouldn’t have to financially support his mum because his dad would be supporting her instead. Also dad would be bearing her anger and mood swings so dss’s life would be easier.

If she’s chaotic and moving rental to rental then I’d be concerned about dss’s credit score.

He’s 19 and in a tough situation.

So did he have DS 50/50 and not have to pay maintenance?

OP, it’s not as clear cut as ‘should he have stayed?’ Of course he couldn’t stay in a volatile, loveless relationship. But did he stay physically and emotionally present for his son? Or did he just chuck money at the situation and see his son occasionally? There is a massive difference. Poor boy - it sounds like his upbringing was pretty awful. Attending a private school doesn’t make it all ok.

I think the issue here is the mother. Your DSS should absolutely not have been made to feel responsible by/for his mother. As his father, I would be pushing back against this. DSS should go off to uni without the encumbrance of her - like every other 19yo in the country - and be learning to live his own life. She will be restricting his development, his experience of university and ultimately his career and life choices. I’d be counselling him to ‘separate’ from his mother so that she can claim full benefits etc without him.

It sounds like an incredibly toxic, almost psychologically abusive relationship, where the mother is manipulating your DSS. Who moves with their child to university and then requires them to be legally liable for her rental agreement? I’d be trying to make him see this and help him make steps to break free of it.

By paying for the boy to go to private school while the mum was struggling in rented accommodation you just created a gap between the mother and the son with whom he was living. No wonder he’s messed up about it. Where does he belong? I haven’t got an answer but he needs to talk to somebody outside of the family about it. He’s been pulled into opposite directions very hard.
But no, his parents shouldn’t have stayed together

Just to give a different perspective, this kind of situation can be difficult even without putting drugs or alcohol into the mix. My dd is the same age and in the same situation (except in our case I had been married to her father for quite some time before he left). In my case, I have had a professional job and we have a home, but nonetheless life has been very difficult and my dd can see a deep divide between how his life is (with his new family) and what our life is like and continues to be. This kind of situation will inevitably build some resentment.

It is DSS’s mother who is being cruel in this instance. She has been punishing the father through her son. Imagine the burden she is placing on her own son to support her as a grown adult. This poor child will be on her hook for years to come. He needs counselling @nevermatchtoesandfingers

I can see why DSS is angry. Your DH left his mum because he couldn't handle her mood swings and substance abuse, but he thought it fine to leave a child to in that environment.

He threw money at private school whilst DSS's home living situation was very unstable.

I am guessing DSS might have liked a bit more actual support rather than just having money chucked at him.

He is young and experiencing complex emotions.

He is a carer it sounds like to an alcoholic parent ? He sees his dad live a totally different and in his eyes care free life ?

How about supporting him through some open honrst conversations as these sound love very challenging circumstances for him despite the private education

What would you have done?

sounds like a very difficult situation but i would have fought tooth and nail to get him out of it. When the kids get older the courts listen to what they want so I’m unsure how it came to be that dh didn’t end up with majority custody eventually.

This.

Sorry didnt see the part of addiction

how can a 19-year-old student at university support an adult parent anyway?

Now at 19, DSS needs to be on the rental agreement, she has had to move far away from his uni due to costs. DSS works to contribute to his mum.

DSS will need to be on any rental agreement as he is now an adult.
He should be contributing to his mum, i.e. paying a reasonable amount for his "lodgings" for food and bills if he lives with her (so not during uni term time if he doesn't live there then). Any adult (and DSS is an adult) should be paying their way in life. If mum is on Universal Credit, this is how the benefits system will see the situation.
Many parents don't take money from their adult offspring who still live at home, or take some money but save it and give it all back later. But IMHO this is not helpful in teaching young adults that they need to pay for themselves.

However this is very different to DSS feeling 'responsible' for his mum - that is not healthy.

The solution is for him not to live with his mum - that will clarify the financial situation all round. Could you and DH give him a deposit and help set him up in his own year-round rental near his uni?
Presumably if you could afford private schooling you can also help him minimise his student loans.

He needs his dad so I’d make sure you’re very supportive of him. Can his mum not get help with housing benefit / universal credits etc? Rather than putting on a child at uni who shouldn’t have this burden around his neck?

As others have said, no he didn't have to stay but how did he leave a child in a situation that he as an adult couldn't cope with. I guess that would cause resentment. Realistically if the only way I could properly support my child then yes I would have stayed.

i feel like a lot of women only leave such relationships because they assume the kids come with. Am guessing most mothers wouldn't leave a 1 year old living with an abusive alcoholic no matter how incompatible their relationship was.

I also think that if the mother did decide to leave and her kid then felt resentment, most people on MN would absolutely say - well what did you expect, you left and the child was left in a terrible set up and you didn't go back for them.

Op not sure whether you have kids yourself, but do you think that you could leave your child behind and only see them occasionally? And if you did, would you be surprised if the said child felt anger towards you for leaving?

His mother is driving this!

A 19 year old student will be expected to house themselves, either through work or by taking out loans.
Every student pays accommodation fees, rent, or 'lodgings' to someone. If they are still at home with parents and attending a local uni, they should still pay their parents something for their 'keep'.

That is not the same as 'supporting' another adult - it is not reasonable for him to be paying excessively to his mother.

I wonder how much actual childcare this man did while "he worked hard to support DSS whilst accumulating wealth" and how much opportunity the boy's mother had to reinvent her financial situation in a similar way, as a result?

Then tell hia DS exactly this. That he DID fight for custody to give him a stable upbringing but lost, and that you can't spend your life with someone who chooses drugs and alcohol over people .