DSS resents his did for the situation his mum is in.

[nevermatchtoesandfingers]

DSS is 19, at uni he is disrespectful to DH and treats him like an ATM. DH and DSS’s mum split after a relatively short relationship when he was 1. No marriage, no assets. He met me shortly after, married relatively quickly bought a house and we worked hard to support DSS whilst accumulating wealth for ourselves. DH and I have supported him and his mum, paid for him to be privately educated and he is now at a top tier uni. His mum struggles, can’t seem to keep a steady job and has moved from rental to rental. Now at 19, DSS needs to be on the rental agreement, she has had to move far away from his uni due to costs. DSS works to contribute to his mum. He is SO angry at his dad for leaving his mum, he thinks he should have stayed and given him a stable upbringing rather than him feeling responsible for his mum. I think he IBU?

Yes, exactly this.

I think from a MH POV, it's probably easier to pull yourself up and make a better life for yourself if you genuinely come from nothing, then if you're living a life of "nothing" with your mum, whilst being offered a glimpse of how the other half live via a wealthy father who's paying for the obvious things (things his partner can brag about on MN) but not actually being a father at all.

She's clearly had a prop for 18 years and has been content to sponge off others. She needs to get a job and behave like an adult, I wouldn't want my family money going to support such a waste of space.

Does your comprehension not extend to reading where they tried to get custody but presumably she wanted to retain her meal ticket, or whatever she spent money on.

How many times did he try to gain custody of his son?

This. As a parent there is no world where I would settle for not being the primary carer in this situation.

I wonder exactly how hard they tried and how much contact they did have under whatever agreement was reached. I'm betting it was something like EOW at most (if it was more I'm sure OP would have mentioned it).

Either way, how much understanding would a mother get leaving in that situation, knowing she might not get full custody?

He can argue he did what was best/he had no option and that might be the case for him, but it certainly wasn't the case for the child.

As some of the other mum's mentioned on this thread - no mum would have left their kid living on their own in such a set up. And if she had, then she absolutely would get the blame for that. Paying for private school would be seen as making up for it.

The mother probably wanted 100% 'caring' otherwise she might have lost her alcohol etc money.

I think this sums up the situation very well tbh, if the dad did indeed step back from dss life. But I am assuming the dad was very young and poorly advised at the time. 18 years is plenty of time to have found a way tondo better. Although op has not yet told us if that is what happened and how involved her dh hads been as a parent (as opposed to just supplying financial support)

It’s irrelevant what the mother wanted. Would you let your child live with someone with huge mood swings and drug and alcohol issues?

You’d think those fees would’ve been better spent fighting for custody.

I think leaving your partner when you both have a 1 year old makes you a life long wanker. Who does that

If that's what the court decides is best for the child there's not much you can do to prevent it.

Yes, he could have kept fighting, but then on top of everything else the child is living through years of parental fighting and court hearings.

It's impossible to tell from this info whether the father shrugged his shoulders and mentally walked away, or was trying to give DSS the most stable and supportive environment in difficult circumstances.

Either way, DSS needs to separate a bit from his mother, and she needs to take some responsibility for her own situation.

There are plenty of (anonymised) court judgements where the judge is critical of both parents for continuing to fight through the courts instead of accepting a compromise. Endless court battles aren't good for children, as inevitably they get caught in the middle. Spending the money on legal fights instead wouldn't necessarily have been the answer either.

We tried multiple times to get custody. DH and I paid over 1-2k per month in financial support, during his childhood it was anything from 10-100% on us.

It's reasonable and understandable that he feels cheated of having loving parents who live together, he's been cheated in some ways. Your partner shouldn't of stayed but DSS's got mixed feelings I'm sure. Money doesn't replace a happy childhood with loving parents, he wouldn't of got that if they'd stayed together but doesn't stop him wanting that. If he's had an elite education he may well be mixing with people who have a more privileged lifestyle and he's a bit embarrassed/envious.
In his mind he is possibly thinking if you were replaced with his mum he would have a more steady, financially advantages life. The contrast is a private education vs regularly moving from rented house to a new rental etc. Being nineteen was pretty bollocks for me thirty years ago, I imagine it's tough these days. Figuring out who you are where you fit in. Factor in social mode, it's hard not to compare ourselves with others. He sees friends living in nice houses, with expensive holidays, newer cars etc , many of us are materialistic even if we try not to be.

Sorry but what mother would just walk away from her one year and find herself a new partner even if the court mandated it. That's mad....and everyone would totally blame her for abandoning her kid.

In fact, any time there is a thread from a mother who walked away, mostly in circumstances where the kids wanted to stay with exDh who usually has money and a bigger house i.e. is objectively able to offer them a better life- the mother still gets the blame for leaving and traumatizing the kids.

In this situation - the child was abandoned in objectively worse circumstances.

I don't know how you can be in a marriage and build wealth with a loser father who walks out on his one year old son.
And how utterly predictable that this now teenage son is struggling and presumably will do anything to support his mum in order not to be the kind of man who walks out on her.
I wonder how you will feel if/when your "DH" trades you in for another woman?He's done it once, no doubt he'll do it again.

Does it matter? If someone's not happy in a relationship, it's never a good idea to "stay for the kids". Overall, the kids will have a happier life if their parents aren't living together while hating each other.

Why didn't you succeed in getting custody?

The money you spent is irrelevant, parents should support their children and it will never cost as much to be a NRP as it is to be a RP.

So your DH couldn’t handle this woman’s emotional difficulties and substance abuse but he expected his small child to manage it? He left him in a very challenging situation and I’m sure there’s resentment there mixed in with lots of other emotions. You say he treats his dad like at ATM, but if dad paid for things rather than parenting when he was small, surely that’s a relationship dynamic set up by your DH? Sounds like lots of communication and reflection is a starting point to think about their relationship.

From what the OP has posted the father didn't expect his son to cope with the mother's emotional difficulties and substance abuse, the courts did.

He has a right to be angry. His dad left him with an unfit mother. Money doesn’t make up for having a shit mother and an absent dad.

your DH not only left his ex, he left his DS. He should have fought harder to keep DS with him.

Excellent question. Outside of money did he do his share? If not then I understand the resentment.

I am baffled by some of the posts in this thread. Father should not have left? Oh yeah, because living in a home full of conflict works sooo well for the child. Not. He should have continued to fight for custody? Sounds like he did. And people who say "I would never have allowed my child to be subjected to this mother", how would you have avoided that? Magic? Kidnap? Bribing the judge? Please do enlighten us.
None of this is ever that simple. I know this because I went through it when I left my first husband. He was a drunk, addicted to various pills, violent and a rapist. I managed to prove all of that, in court. He still got joint custody. Luckily for me by the time the divorce was finalised I was pregnant and had the offer of a house and work for my DH2 in Scotland and the judge allowed me to in effect take my DD out of his court's jurisdiction and gave me what was then known as full Care and Control. The point? The system was and is a mess and I was very lucky. Most parents are not blessed with such luck.