AIBU to refuse to cook for rude stepson after family gathering?

[Bookworm847]

So me and DH have been together 9 years- he has 1 DS age 13 and I have 2 DS age 15 & 13 and no children together. My DC live with me and go to their Dad EOW and we have DSS EOW.
About 2 years ago DSS stopped taking to me and I may get the occasional grunt but no ‘hello’ ‘goodbye’ and he mostly just walks off and ignores me when I talk or DH will repeat the same question and he will answer him which I find rude and disrespectful.
Yesterday we planned a huge family gathering for Easter and DSS refused to go- DH told him next time he would be going which I said was ridiculous and either he is part of the family and attends or you allow him to do what he pleases and stop the ‘next time’ as that’s pointless.
we get home about 8pm and DH asks me what I am cooking for DSS as he didn’t have dinner- I stated nothing and he hadn’t eaten due to his choice to stay home and DH was more than welcome to cook for him but I wasn’t (I had been cooking all day and DH had sat drinking beer).
DH then got in a sulk and I feel I had just had enough of the whole situation- I love my DH and he is an amazing step dad but he has allowed his son to be rude and disrespectful to me in my own home for 2 years and not addressed it to the point I feel uncomfortable in my own home when DSS is here and while it’s mainly only EOW it’s hard. DH has also agreed DSS being here all week now as I am off work and home with activities planned and booked for my DC with out even a conversation- DH will be at work so I feel now I can’t relax on my weekend off

Full DH problem

Its his job to facilitate the relationship between you and DSS

Its his job to be around for DSS care

If hes agreed to leave DSS home its his job to ensure hes fed

Honestly DSS sounds lonely and sad and I doubt being left behind he will have probably reinforced why the 5 of you arent a family

NBU to not cook in that scenario but you YABU to not recognise the actual problem

He isn’t obligated to tolerate the OP being complicit in him bring kicked out of his the primary home he’d known since he was 4 two years ago and then actively maltreating him by refusing him dinner because he chose not to go to a family event that would have made him feel even more unwelcome.

He is not an adult, he is 13.

The OP has done nothing for the past two years but show him contempt and so his going low contact to her is the natural consequences of her behaviour towards him.

My step son is very much one word answers and does not always make an effort to partake with the family at times either. But, as the adult in the situation, I make the effort to try and include him and have a relationship with him on his terms. If he is at home with you his week he should be included in plans. This sounds very much like a 2 sided family and not well intergrated. Husband should be telling you, and you should be checking with him before booking events, whether your step son will be present. If he is, he should be out with you too. This is a child at the end of the day...immature, not fully formed with sensibility. If he has felt aggrieved with you in anyway previously, then he will withdraw. It sounds like he hasn't communicated any grievances to you but it's clear he dislikes you over something, so find out what it is and heal it over. You need to work it out with step son and start acting like one family unit instead of two halves. There are outings and events my step son isn't interested in, but I'd never not extend the invite...but you've gone ahead and booked activities with your children without considering him at all...and to me...that speaks volumes about and your family dynamic. Therein lies your problem. Of course that would hurt him! This is a YOU problem, not a step son problem.

Refusing him dinner…. Are you serious? I have 3 dc. A night where I say to me perfectly capable dh with 2 working hands and the same kitchen as me that I’m not cooking is not starving and neglecting our dc, it’s telling dad this one’s on him. And on those nights he cooks, because he’s their dad?? What do you think the ops dh is, a cardboard cutout?

Wisely said.

Refusing him dinner?! Is she a restaurant?

I can’t take you seriously with this post. Utterly ridiculous.

Well, obviously! Any hint of not anticipating and tending to his EVERY whim is her being selfish, lazy, abusive and neglectful. Back in the real world he can easily make himself some food. He’s 13, not 3

I also struggle to take the post about OP being complicit etc in anyway seriously

OP and her DH both refused him dinner. They are both responsible to feed this 13yo child. The DH is a lazy fucker, but why should that mean the child goes hungry because OP and her DH are having a battle of wills?

It’s kind of hard to overlook the fact that his step siblings of the same age as him and 2 years older are being given the royal treatment while he is being treated like Cinderella.

How are my DC being given the royal treatment in comparison? Because they attended the pre planned event which DSS was also invited too and aware of? If my DS15 is out with his friends and dinner is something I can not keep he also knows to make something and there is always something on the house for them.
making food at 13 is not child abuse and actually my DH is capable of doing this and I was annoyed at him for asking me if I was doing it not my DSS

My children have ‘jobs’ in the home to earn money to go out and do things as DSS is not here he just gets it transferred to his card so my children are not some princes that get more of everything

What Royal Treatment? 🙄
They were fed at the dinner event... DSS refused to attend said event and then his lame excuse of a father tried to get his wife to make the teen a meal.

Other than that I don't see where the OP has mentioned her kids get ROYAL TREATMENT?

Are you on glue the right thread?

What exactly is this royal treatment?

Will the world end if he eats a lot and makes a mess?

Leave his mess for him and your DH to clean up, and up your food budget (DH again) to include stuff he can put together himself.

But he’s expecting the OP to cover.