AIBU to refuse to cook for rude stepson after family gathering?

[Bookworm847]

So me and DH have been together 9 years- he has 1 DS age 13 and I have 2 DS age 15 & 13 and no children together. My DC live with me and go to their Dad EOW and we have DSS EOW.
About 2 years ago DSS stopped taking to me and I may get the occasional grunt but no ‘hello’ ‘goodbye’ and he mostly just walks off and ignores me when I talk or DH will repeat the same question and he will answer him which I find rude and disrespectful.
Yesterday we planned a huge family gathering for Easter and DSS refused to go- DH told him next time he would be going which I said was ridiculous and either he is part of the family and attends or you allow him to do what he pleases and stop the ‘next time’ as that’s pointless.
we get home about 8pm and DH asks me what I am cooking for DSS as he didn’t have dinner- I stated nothing and he hadn’t eaten due to his choice to stay home and DH was more than welcome to cook for him but I wasn’t (I had been cooking all day and DH had sat drinking beer).
DH then got in a sulk and I feel I had just had enough of the whole situation- I love my DH and he is an amazing step dad but he has allowed his son to be rude and disrespectful to me in my own home for 2 years and not addressed it to the point I feel uncomfortable in my own home when DSS is here and while it’s mainly only EOW it’s hard. DH has also agreed DSS being here all week now as I am off work and home with activities planned and booked for my DC with out even a conversation- DH will be at work so I feel now I can’t relax on my weekend off

Your DH sounds pretty useless as a father.

Isn’t it.

All three kids very likely unhappy and unsettled all for their parents crappy love life

your dh is taking the piss. how can you allow him to treat you like this?! i would lose my shit over the entitlement re the cooking and childcare.

i don’t think it’s necessarily fair to criticise the kid for not attending the event if he would have felt like a third wheel.

Is your husband incapable of cooking or does he feel cooking is beneath him?

You have a DH problem.

What do your sons make of this setup? With a sulky step father and his rude boy. Watching their mum disrespected and treated as their servant for 9 years. I’m guessing the situation has crept up on you over time OP because nobody would willingly sign up for this.

I hope you didn't relent and cook. Sounds like the apple didn't fall far from the tree with those two.

I don't think the problem is not coming on social stuff on the part of the SS as he probably does feel like a "visitor" doing EOW but you're right, all the "next time" stuff is pointless. It's either optional or not.

Sounds like the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree with regard to husband and his son! Cheeky feckers both of them! You don't have to put up with either person's attitude or behaviour.

This sounds like a very unhealthy situation and a very unhappy teenage boy. His father really needs to parent him - has he not spoken to him about why he doesn’t speak to you? This needs to be addressed and him called out on it every time. But he also needs to feel included and respected himself. I wonder how he gets on with your sons? I can’t imagine the dynamics are very comfortable. His father should see this week as an opportunity to spend time with and build some bonds with his clearly very angry and sad boy - before it is too late and all of your relationships deteriorate still further. If he’s not prepared to do this then I think your marriage is unlikely to survive.

I was going to click the YABU option until I got to part where your husband expected you to cook for stepson. You have a husband problem and your stepson has a father problem.

We have a computer for him he doesn’t want to take it home as his step siblings break his stuff at home so when he comes here he just sits on that all day no interaction at all so he is staying to play on that.
it was my family at the gathering but also husbands parents so his grandparents

I feel sorry for all the dcs in this set up.

What a crappy husband, father and stepfather.

What's awful about asking the stepson and father to clear up the mess made?

I'm also not saying let him go hungry - of course not. But having 1 days worth of snacks available at a time rather than giving him the option of grazing on a week's worth of everyone's food seems sensible for a child that is regularly overeating.

You’re a housemaid.
Assuming you’ll sort another meal.
Making plans that only impact you.
Too lazy to parent his kid.
He is no catch.

It's odd you're ignoring all the comments about your husband and continuing to see the poor lad as the only problem here.

The problem isn't your stroppy 13 year old stepson, it's your useless husband!

Odd yet sadly predictable.

That poor poor boy. No home that’s a safe space for him. A misogynist crap father. I’ll bet he’s off like a shot the second he can.

This update makes me feel even more sorry for the poor kid. He’s lashing out and blaming you which is not great but someone in his life needs to put him first and that means communicating and setting boundaries so he can feel part of the family. He should have been made to attend the family celebration; he wants to be wanted. Soon he will be too old for you to insist on these things but he’s still young - a kid in a young adult’s body.

Poor kid. His dad sounds useless

He sees him every other weekend, and left him yesterday to go to a family gathering. Did he not even try and find out why he didn't want to go?

This doesn't sound like a happy teenager.

Get rid of this waste of space bloke who you claim is amazing with your kids but crap with his own

Every other weekend does not make a parent, especially if he leaves him alone during that time and doesn't spend time with him, or do the basics such as cooking

Not ignoring comments about DH I was literally having a conversation with him how the rudeness needs to stop and it’s his job to step in and address it every time not ignore for pure laziness on his side as this is my home and there needs to be a level of respect and he should of addressed this when it started years ago. dSS only talks to his dad when he wants money, food or something which I have said is no excuse and he either steps up and parents or I step away to focus on my DS

I’ll past your own post here to spell out what you actually intended

Why does your DSS want to spend the week at your house? It seems an odd choice if he doesn't really join in.
I would actually limit the amount of food in the house he can help himself to. Enough so he doesn't go hungry but not enough that he can eat far more than he needs.
Send your DH to the shop each evening to restock what's needed for the next day and get your DH to sort his son's mess along with his son.
Neither of them might be so keen on him staying the week again if they both have to take some responsibility for the food eaten and the mess made.

DH sat and drank 3 beers while I was helping cook etc and after dinner he played cards and board games with the kids and ball in the garden - so no he didn’t ball cook but did stuff after (as did I)

Good for you that you’ve finally worked out where the problem is. Your dss is the product of his parents. His dad has been essentially absent, and when he has been there, still absent. I’m not sure what has happened in your past to have made you believe that this awful man was in any way some kind of decent person.

Oh God. Just seen it’s your home? Do you mean as in you bought it and he moved in?