Page 14 | AIBU to refuse to cook for rude stepson after family gathering?

99bottlesofkombucha · 07/04/2026 03:32

Differentforgirls · 06/04/2026 23:49

Imagine being that tight you think it’s perfectly normal to withhold food from a child. Some of the people on here should never have children.

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Here you go - it’s the ops comment saying the food that was available for him while they were out and also that the boy had eaten two pizzas for lunch the day before. Do you still want to say they are withholding food from him? Because that’s a really strong accusation to make about a parent since it’s neglect to not provide food for a child, I’d read things very carefully before saying that as that kind of accusation can understandably really upset some people.

As I was walking out the door to family’s home I told DH there is pizza, chicken, meal preps in the freezer which he is normally able to cook to suit himself- he had 2 whole pizza for lunch Saturday that he managed to cook

SweetnsourNZ · 07/04/2026 03:48

It's really hard to get a picture here as to why he didn't go as his grandparents were there. That seems strange. In most family scenarios the 13 year old wouldn't even think they had a choice of not going. It would have been a this is what is happening thing.
Did he get asked if he wanted to go and maybe said no to test if he was wanted? Did he announce he wasn't going (once again a test of whether he was really welcome) Why did anyone have to make dinner for him when you returned. Surely something should have been made for him to eat while you were away, like a dish he could heat up.

Londog · 07/04/2026 03:49

When children are hard to love, is when they need the most love … He’s struggling - and as hard as it is to be on the receiving end, he needs warmth and tolerance not the hostility and contempt that’s coming through on this post .

SweetnsourNZ · 07/04/2026 03:57

Bokeitup · 06/04/2026 16:58

If this continues, you'll be alone in a house with a 15/16/17 year old angry and resentful young man. You'll walk on egg shells in your own home and have a real problem on your hands. It's not going to get better on its own and it's better to sort it out now one way or another.

This. A 13 year old is nothing compared to an angry post pubescent male. If you feel nervous in your own home now its definitely going to get a lot worse.
I can't believe the child's father has let this go on for 2 years. Has he even tried to get to the bottom of it. Most fathers would pull their son's up first time they were rude to their wife, whether mother or stepmother. 2 years, unbelievable.

BudgetBuster · 07/04/2026 08:05

99bottlesofkombucha · 07/04/2026 03:26

The op was talking about if he’s here for the week and she hadn’t stocked for it? Not for 4 days a month. I think she also says she left him two pizzas for lunch, so no one is starving the boy or restricting his caloric intake to any lower than what about two regular people need.

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Leaving him for a week and she hadn't stocked for it...

She knows in advance.. one of the adults of the house should ensure there is enough food. Why would the place not be stocked when they know he's coming? That's just vile

Morepositivemum · 07/04/2026 08:12

I agree with people about your set up and your dh but it’s terrible people are calling a 13yo teen a little shit, his parents split and now he has a different mother figure in his life at a time most kids are struggling with hormones.

PoppinjayPolly · 07/04/2026 08:17

BudgetBuster · 07/04/2026 08:05

Leaving him for a week and she hadn't stocked for it...

She knows in advance.. one of the adults of the house should ensure there is enough food. Why would the place not be stocked when they know he's coming? That's just vile

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This, making it clear “well we need to be going out of our way if he’s here..”
as opposed to it being the standard food shop on the days the family is bigger.
reminds me of a pp who would always include her dc in “our little family” and not the dsd who after 2 years was still sleeping on the sofa as her little family shouldn’t have to share..

arethereanyleftatall · 07/04/2026 08:21

Bookworm847 · 06/04/2026 18:34

Yes DSS is going back to his mums this evening

What a surprise. Way to go to make his son feel utterly unwanted once again. Your husband is a shitty father. Good on the mother for not saying no to the detriment of her son’s feelings.

Monty36 · 07/04/2026 08:24

The pizzas were for the Saturday. Which he cooked for himself. Presumably he was not fed with everyone else on Saturday either ?
The OP was suggesting he could eat pizza again. Or chicken ( need to defrost).
The OP doesn’t want this child around and should be honest about it. For his sake and everyone else’s.

PoppinjayPolly · 07/04/2026 08:28

Bookworm847 · 06/04/2026 19:15

Of course I think of that I have 2 children of the same/ similar age who experience the exact same thing but I would make sure and do make sure they have basic manners to adults

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If you’re not there @Bookworm847 do your dc get to stay in the home with your dh? Or do they need to leave and stay at their dads?

BudgetBuster · 07/04/2026 08:33

PoppinjayPolly · 07/04/2026 08:17

This, making it clear “well we need to be going out of our way if he’s here..”
as opposed to it being the standard food shop on the days the family is bigger.
reminds me of a pp who would always include her dc in “our little family” and not the dsd who after 2 years was still sleeping on the sofa as her little family shouldn’t have to share..

Edited

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My SS is here 50% but the way it works is 2255 so some weeks he is here w days a week, other week 5 days a week. We automatically ensure there is a bigger shop the week he's here longer. During the summer and holidays it's an even bigger shop because he's a growing teen with a bottomless stomach and snacks all day 😂

It just isn't an issue!

But the big thing is... my DH and I would never ever allow access to drop to 14% because of school. My DH would move heaven and earth to be with his kid as much as possible.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 07/04/2026 08:45

BudgetBuster · 06/04/2026 21:43

The issue seems to align with the fact that the stepson actually hardly sees his Dad because his Dad has dropped his contact. Imagine going from see your Dad (and extended family) 50% of the week to just 14%! I'd be pissed if my Dad abandoned me too

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OP said the reduction in contact came from his mum, who moved further away. I find it really shocking that posters are pretzeling themselves to blame a step parent for the fact that her SS has decided to treat her with contempt. I seriously doubt whether her critics would be happy to try to accommodate a child who is continually directs hostility, rudeness and ignorance towards them.

The main complaint on MN is that step parents don’t make the effort to integrate step children into their own wider families. Here OP is doing exactly that, SS is refusing to engage and OP is still getting the blame.

This boy is 13. It’s up to his actual parent to do his job and address the problem before it goes any further. What happens if the attitude continues, and OP is left alone with a 16 or 17 year old hostile individual who could very well turn out to be a threat to her safety ?

99bottlesofkombucha · 07/04/2026 08:59

BudgetBuster · 07/04/2026 08:05

Leaving him for a week and she hadn't stocked for it...

She knows in advance.. one of the adults of the house should ensure there is enough food. Why would the place not be stocked when they know he's coming? That's just vile

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Perhaps one day I will be less astonished at the number of people on Mumsnet who jump to share massively judgey views on posters when they have not even read their opening post. She knew fuck all about him staying all week and it’s right there in the opening post. If I think my dh and dc are out the next few nights I won’t have food in for them either, and if they suddenly are home we would need to shop, not because I don’t love them but because I did not expect them so I did not plan for them. Opening post is quoted below to help you.
DH has also agreed DSS being here all week now as I am off work and home with activities planned and booked for my DC with out even a conversation

BudgetBuster · 07/04/2026 09:06

DotAndCarryOne2 · 07/04/2026 08:45

OP said the reduction in contact came from his mum, who moved further away. I find it really shocking that posters are pretzeling themselves to blame a step parent for the fact that her SS has decided to treat her with contempt. I seriously doubt whether her critics would be happy to try to accommodate a child who is continually directs hostility, rudeness and ignorance towards them.

The main complaint on MN is that step parents don’t make the effort to integrate step children into their own wider families. Here OP is doing exactly that, SS is refusing to engage and OP is still getting the blame.

This boy is 13. It’s up to his actual parent to do his job and address the problem before it goes any further. What happens if the attitude continues, and OP is left alone with a 16 or 17 year old hostile individual who could very well turn out to be a threat to her safety ?

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I never blamed the OP... I've specifically said on numerous occasions her DH is the problem. He hasn't disciplined his child against this rudeness, but he has also abandoned his child.

A mother cannot just up and move far enough away that it hinders a Father's access, without the Fathers approval. If she did... he didn't seem bothered enough to fight it. They had 50/50 access for 6 or 7 years and there's SS was therfore a massive part of the OPs family too. But I bet he feels cast aside now that his Dad barely sees him.

I've also not mentioned anything about the OP being alone with the SS... I think maybe you are quoting the wrong person?

BudgetBuster · 07/04/2026 09:08

99bottlesofkombucha · 07/04/2026 08:59

Perhaps one day I will be less astonished at the number of people on Mumsnet who jump to share massively judgey views on posters when they have not even read their opening post. She knew fuck all about him staying all week and it’s right there in the opening post. If I think my dh and dc are out the next few nights I won’t have food in for them either, and if they suddenly are home we would need to shop, not because I don’t love them but because I did not expect them so I did not plan for them. Opening post is quoted below to help you.
DH has also agreed DSS being here all week now as I am off work and home with activities planned and booked for my DC with out even a conversation

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Yes... but guess what.... she managed to post on Mumsnet, in ADVANCE of the week he was due to stay? So clearly she fucking knew in advance.

Also I've already said, it's the Dads responsibility

99bottlesofkombucha · 07/04/2026 09:12

BudgetBuster · 07/04/2026 09:08

Yes... but guess what.... she managed to post on Mumsnet, in ADVANCE of the week he was due to stay? So clearly she fucking knew in advance.

Also I've already said, it's the Dads responsibility

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she posted yesterday. Easter Sunday is a bank holiday. What’s your definition of in advance enough to plan the shop?

BudgetBuster · 07/04/2026 09:24

99bottlesofkombucha · 07/04/2026 09:12

she posted yesterday. Easter Sunday is a bank holiday. What’s your definition of in advance enough to plan the shop?

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Are you genuinely saying that the kids Dad couldn't have gotten to an open store yesterday or this morning to make sure there was enough extra food for one day?

Because if so... then that's pathetic.

Original poster

Bookworm847 · 07/04/2026 09:26

I shopped Thursday in preparation for Easter weekend, DSS being here (so things he like that my boys don’t particularly) and extra stuff and this week- I then worked a 12.5 hour shift Friday night into Saturday. When I got out of bed Saturday he had cooked 2 pizzas for lunch and then I made dinner for everyone around 5.30pm as normal.
I have openly stated I do not limit his food or even mention it as this would be seen as an ‘attack’ so I plan and shop knowing when he is here. So again he actually gets pulled up less and has less rules than my own DC- and yes he eating is extreme to me - 10 counter yogurts in 2 days while my DC had 1 each, he is not deprived of food at his mum’s either
he could of stayed this week if his dad took the time off to spend with him but he didn’t which he is down to him- I told him that was shitty and for May half term he needs to put in a time off request and do more.

OP posts:

converseandjeans · 07/04/2026 09:26

Whaleandsnail6 · 06/04/2026 09:42

But left his own kid sat at home alone all day.

This kid sees his dad every other weekend and because he doesn't want to go to a "huge" family gathering, where only 3 of the attendees are his actual family, his dad leaves him alone, and then can't even be bothered to cook his son a meal on returning home.

He barely gets any time with his dad. Is this kid ever his dads priority?

I feel sorry for him and his behaviour is probably a result of his useless dad.

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I agree with @Whaleandsnail6 - he was probably hoping to spend time with his Dad & instead it was a family gathering.

Does DH ever do anything 1-1 when his son comes over? Bearing in mind he’s only there every other weekend.

I think it’s normal for a child to split the week & have one week of Easter hols at each house.

converseandjeans · 07/04/2026 09:29

DH should take time off to spend with his DS. I feel sorry for DS. His Dad just expects him to slot into your family set up & he now has step siblings at his Mums who break his stuff. He sounds unhappy & that’s likely the reason he’s over eating.

Original poster

Bookworm847 · 07/04/2026 09:30

converseandjeans · 07/04/2026 09:26

I agree with @Whaleandsnail6 - he was probably hoping to spend time with his Dad & instead it was a family gathering.

Does DH ever do anything 1-1 when his son comes over? Bearing in mind he’s only there every other weekend.

I think it’s normal for a child to split the week & have one week of Easter hols at each house.

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Yes they have weekend breaks - last year we have a family holiday and he shares a room with his DS and I share with mine and then we individually took our children for long weekend city breaks to ensure they get 1 on 1 time.
when he’s here he just sits on a computer and if DH offers to do something DSS likes or go out he says no- when his screen time was reduced he then just goes out for the day with his friends and comes back past the agreed time

OP posts:

Original poster

Bookworm847 · 07/04/2026 09:31

converseandjeans · 07/04/2026 09:29

DH should take time off to spend with his DS. I feel sorry for DS. His Dad just expects him to slot into your family set up & he now has step siblings at his Mums who break his stuff. He sounds unhappy & that’s likely the reason he’s over eating.

the step children in his mums have been in his life for around 10 years as this was the man he mum was seeing during DH marriage

OP posts:

Decacaffeinatednow · 07/04/2026 09:34

Poor kids. All 3 of them.

JohnnysMama · 07/04/2026 09:41

Bookworm847 · 06/04/2026 08:55

So me and DH have been together 9 years- he has 1 DS age 13 and I have 2 DS age 15 & 13 and no children together. My DC live with me and go to their Dad EOW and we have DSS EOW.
About 2 years ago DSS stopped taking to me and I may get the occasional grunt but no ‘hello’ ‘goodbye’ and he mostly just walks off and ignores me when I talk or DH will repeat the same question and he will answer him which I find rude and disrespectful.
Yesterday we planned a huge family gathering for Easter and DSS refused to go- DH told him next time he would be going which I said was ridiculous and either he is part of the family and attends or you allow him to do what he pleases and stop the ‘next time’ as that’s pointless.
we get home about 8pm and DH asks me what I am cooking for DSS as he didn’t have dinner- I stated nothing and he hadn’t eaten due to his choice to stay home and DH was more than welcome to cook for him but I wasn’t (I had been cooking all day and DH had sat drinking beer).
DH then got in a sulk and I feel I had just had enough of the whole situation- I love my DH and he is an amazing step dad but he has allowed his son to be rude and disrespectful to me in my own home for 2 years and not addressed it to the point I feel uncomfortable in my own home when DSS is here and while it’s mainly only EOW it’s hard. DH has also agreed DSS being here all week now as I am off work and home with activities planned and booked for my DC with out even a conversation- DH will be at work so I feel now I can’t relax on my weekend off

It’s not a child’s fault it’s your husbands and your issue. He’s naturally protesting the situation, you are not his mother and it doesn’t sound like you are trying hard to make him like you or try to understand him. In the whole message it’s about your feelings and your efforts, did you try to take his perspective, why does he behave this way? I can tell you 100% it’s not because he’s just spoilt or mean kid. Don’t be mad at this kid, sort this between your husband and yourself and then work with the kid. He’s a teenager on top of everything

99bottlesofkombucha · 07/04/2026 09:44

BudgetBuster · 07/04/2026 09:24

Are you genuinely saying that the kids Dad couldn't have gotten to an open store yesterday or this morning to make sure there was enough extra food for one day?

Because if so... then that's pathetic.

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why do you think they would only allow him one days food when he was to stay the week, without notice? There was plenty of food for the weekend he was expected, as has been covered. But not for the surprise extra week. Why are you working so hard to misread all the posts to make the op out to be the bad guy mistreating a child?