AIBU to refuse to cook for rude stepson after family gathering?

[Bookworm847]

So me and DH have been together 9 years- he has 1 DS age 13 and I have 2 DS age 15 & 13 and no children together. My DC live with me and go to their Dad EOW and we have DSS EOW.
About 2 years ago DSS stopped taking to me and I may get the occasional grunt but no ‘hello’ ‘goodbye’ and he mostly just walks off and ignores me when I talk or DH will repeat the same question and he will answer him which I find rude and disrespectful.
Yesterday we planned a huge family gathering for Easter and DSS refused to go- DH told him next time he would be going which I said was ridiculous and either he is part of the family and attends or you allow him to do what he pleases and stop the ‘next time’ as that’s pointless.
we get home about 8pm and DH asks me what I am cooking for DSS as he didn’t have dinner- I stated nothing and he hadn’t eaten due to his choice to stay home and DH was more than welcome to cook for him but I wasn’t (I had been cooking all day and DH had sat drinking beer).
DH then got in a sulk and I feel I had just had enough of the whole situation- I love my DH and he is an amazing step dad but he has allowed his son to be rude and disrespectful to me in my own home for 2 years and not addressed it to the point I feel uncomfortable in my own home when DSS is here and while it’s mainly only EOW it’s hard. DH has also agreed DSS being here all week now as I am off work and home with activities planned and booked for my DC with out even a conversation- DH will be at work so I feel now I can’t relax on my weekend off

He’s not the OP’s son.

I fail to see why this would mean neither Dad nor OP would consider what he might eat.

You haven’t addressed what most posters replying to you have pointed out- you have a dh problem - he expecting you to cook for his disgruntled son. He allowing his son to disrespect you etc

It doesn’t.

But that poster said “your son”. He isn’t the OP’s son. Regardless of the eating situation.

I feel for you. Been there. Blended families don’t work I’m my opinion but that’s of very little help to you here. The dads are usually the issue tbh. All falls on SM shoulders.

Would you consider walking away? Can you? I couldn’t and ended up with an estranged relationship with the three SS but that’s was better than the daily grind.

Agree. Just ignored it. He’s a child who has stayed with her for years and is her husband’s son. It takes a very cold person to think that means you can ignore his needs. This thread is depressing.

He seems very unhappy, at the age of 4 you set up home with his dad, he sees his dad every other week, has no one thought that perhaps he's very unhappy with the situation? Does he think you are responsible for his mum and dad separating? His thinking may not be rational, but his dad needs to get to the bottom of why he won't talk to you, and how he feels.

He knows I am nothing to do with why they split up his mum has been very honest with him that she fell out of love with his dad and that’s why they moved out we meet around 1 year after

As I was walking out the door to family’s home I told DH there is pizza, chicken, meal preps in the freezer which he is normally able to cook to suit himself- he had 2 whole pizza for lunch Saturday that he managed to cook

Has DH rearranged his plan of his son staying with you this week?

Clearly I meant that as in that whole situation/behaviour 🙄

Of a child who is being let down.

He’s still not her child though, so is there a particular reason you are referring to him as such?

Yes DSS is going back to his mums this evening

Poor boy. From pillar to post with no one actually giving a shit about him.

Poor boy. It's really sad how little the adults in his life seem to care for him.

I just think that no adult seems to be able to put themselves into the shoes of a 13 year old, who sees his dad every other weekend and can't articulate his feelings. He has step siblings who see his dad more than he does, for crying out loud. And he's supposed to be happy with the situation.

That’s rubbish! Not doing it as a parent leads to obesity which is abuse

Everything in moderation is a thing to teach. Not that some foods shouldn’t be eaten at all.

No one said that though, they said limit foods, I’ve had to do that with my asd son or he would have been obese, teaching healthy eating sometimes involves limiting access to unlimited snacks. My cousins who had access to anything and everything ended up obese and now have eating disorders/ disorder eating and low self esteem as adults

I think you need to say to your husband that your SS needs a long overdue talk with him. He needs to get to the bottom of his son’s behaviour towards you and tell him acting out because he’s unhappy doesn’t solve anything.
Does SS feel abandoned because his dad works away all week now and because of his school being far away he doesn’t see as much of him? Is he transferring his hurt and anger towards SM because he is having trouble at school or at his mum’s and jealous because when OP’s son’s are struggling she gets involved yet he feels invisible to his own parents. Has OP said or done something he took exception to two years ago that needs to be spoke about? Does he not feel part of the family? And then he needs a talk on how blanking SM is upsetting and unacceptable, that’s not how problems get resolved and if he doesn’t speak to her he can’t stay whilst his dad is away as it’s too awkward.

Of course I think of that I have 2 children of the same/ similar age who experience the exact same thing but I would make sure and do make sure they have basic manners to adults

But they might not have manners if EOW they went to their dad's where they knew they were considered as less tidy, less polite and as eating far too much more than their SSs.

That might make the manners start to curdle.

But you are right up to the point that your DH sounds as though he is totally dropping the ball with this child. But blame him, not the child.

Well what a leap to assume he’s eating a multipack of crisps 😂
i have two teen kids, same kind of frame, neither carry excess weight, my younger one is constantly hungry and eats like a horse, teen boys are renowned for being hungry!! For the OP, It’s for a couple of days every other week, I’m sure I’d cope with getting extra snacks in

And every child is different. Your children may be coping well. He might not be. Why is that so hard to understand?
I really feel sorry for him. I suspect he just feels unwanted. His feelings are valid, even if that is not the case.