AIBU to refuse to cook for rude stepson after family gathering?

[Bookworm847]

So me and DH have been together 9 years- he has 1 DS age 13 and I have 2 DS age 15 & 13 and no children together. My DC live with me and go to their Dad EOW and we have DSS EOW.
About 2 years ago DSS stopped taking to me and I may get the occasional grunt but no ‘hello’ ‘goodbye’ and he mostly just walks off and ignores me when I talk or DH will repeat the same question and he will answer him which I find rude and disrespectful.
Yesterday we planned a huge family gathering for Easter and DSS refused to go- DH told him next time he would be going which I said was ridiculous and either he is part of the family and attends or you allow him to do what he pleases and stop the ‘next time’ as that’s pointless.
we get home about 8pm and DH asks me what I am cooking for DSS as he didn’t have dinner- I stated nothing and he hadn’t eaten due to his choice to stay home and DH was more than welcome to cook for him but I wasn’t (I had been cooking all day and DH had sat drinking beer).
DH then got in a sulk and I feel I had just had enough of the whole situation- I love my DH and he is an amazing step dad but he has allowed his son to be rude and disrespectful to me in my own home for 2 years and not addressed it to the point I feel uncomfortable in my own home when DSS is here and while it’s mainly only EOW it’s hard. DH has also agreed DSS being here all week now as I am off work and home with activities planned and booked for my DC with out even a conversation- DH will be at work so I feel now I can’t relax on my weekend off

Jeez I really feel for this kid. 13 is a tough age without the upheaval of going from 50/50 to barely seeing his Dad. I can't fathom what led your husband to agree to this?

Yes he sounds rude.... but he sounds absolutely miserable tbh. I'd be trying to get to the bottom of that.

Also... he's there like 4 days a month... don't even consider restricting food. Honestly that's insane!!

You have a DH problem... not a SS problem.

My advice would be to sit down and insist on chatting with them both. Ask the lad what he wants because he probably doesn't even want to be there. BTW 13yo kids have hollow legs so he will be eating loads. Forget the "yes buts" etc, people react to kindness over being shouted at or told what to do. If you can both hold your tongues and allow the child to speak you will probably both hear some home truths. Your DH sounds really immature to be acting like that and he's supposed to be an example for his son. Maybe the lad doesn't want to be away from his home and friends.

So OP says. But that would not have happened if his dad and stepmom had not agreed to it. It seems it was too inconvenient for them to make any effort to keep him in the family.

As a pp said, the anger is misdirected. Her husband has opted out of being a dad. A secondary school could have been picked that wasn’t so far away. The DH didn’t have to have a job where he works away all week every week. OP and her DH didn’t have to agree to drop the 50/50 for as a matter of logistical convenience.

Oh boohoo the poor little 13 year old teenager isn’t getting Daddy all to himself……

OP has been with his Dad for years and there hasn’t been an issue till the last 2 years when DSS has decided to treat her with zero respect in her own home. So yes he is creating the problem, and yes DH should be correcting the problem, but they both seem equally shite.

The issue seems to align with the fact that the stepson actually hardly sees his Dad because his Dad has dropped his contact. Imagine going from see your Dad (and extended family) 50% of the week to just 14%! I'd be pissed if my Dad abandoned me too

Honestly what has ANY adult in this child’s life done to earn his respect?
His dad and mum are the worse, but OP is supporting his dad.
You have to actually parent a child to deserve respect.

Hasn’t been an issue until his Dad and OP were all to happy to cut his time with them by 75% from 15 days a month to 4. It was because of this that his behaviour towards them changed.

The adults caused this problem.

OP and her DH didn’t have to agree to drop the 50/50 for as a matter of logistical convenience.

The OP doesn’t get to agree or disagree with any arrangement made between her DH and her stepson’s mum. She is not the child’s mother.

The logistics is fuck all to do with OP so stop blaming her just because shes a step mum.

Shes literally done nothing wrong and is faced with a disrespectful, messy, entitled teenager in her own home, who won’t even acknowledge her. I don’t bloody blame her for being annoyed.

But let’s all feel sorry for a rude teenager who is choosing to behave this way.

You could be right that DH decided this without even discussing it with his dear wife of 11 years, the OP. She is absolutely just a bystander with no influence at all.

The most likely reality is that there was a discussion about it and OP had something to say about it. From her posts, I would not anticipate that she stood up for the boy and was all too happy to slash the contact time. She’s even asking about that here, is she being unreasonable to demand that DS can only be at the house when his dad is physically also at the house because she doesn’t want him around at all.

I am apportioning blame on his dad and mum, and I say that the OP is somewhere between complicit and actively encouraging /driving a wedge.

Again what has OP done to deserve respect? Why should this child give her the time of day when she thinks it’s ok to withhold food so he goes hungry when he is visiting? That’s the kind of person she is.

The logistics is also fuck all to do with the child.

What we have here is a Father who won't discipline his child, who he has also basically abandoned.

Of course the OP shouldn't have to put up with rudeness, but the root cause is her lazy prick of a husband (and also possibly a bit of abuse on her end giving she wants to withhold food).

Add this entire fucked up dynamic on top of the fact that most teenagers go through rude and surly phases even in loving, stable homes where there’s no climate of you being the mistake between a mum and dad who went on to find new partners and new children. Zero empathy is being displayed here by the OP.

Oh, I’m sure it was discussed with his wife. But ultimately, it’s not her decision, is it? Because she isn’t her stepson’s parent.

She’s even asking about that here, is she being unreasonable to demand that DS can only be at the house when his dad is physically also at the house because she doesn’t want him around at all.

And I don’t blame her. The child hasn’t spoken to her and has ignored her for the past 2 years. Why the fuck should he be there (why would he even want to be there) when his father - the only person he appears to interact with - isn’t there.

Not the OP’s responsibility, not the OP’s problem.

Quite frankly, she’s a saint for putting up with this for the past 2 years and for encouraging her children not to treat her stepson any differently. I wouldn’t have tolerated it. I’m not sure many people would.

It’s called natural consequences.

Why is it natural consequences when you cheer on OP to be abusive to her step son for what is actually very common, mild, teenage behaviour but it isn’t natural consequences for a child to be withdrawn and unfriendly after all the adults decided to keep him from his dad and his dad’s new family?

If we are going to talk natural consequences, the rudeness seems to be the natural consequence of his dad, mum and OP pulling the rug out from under him with a bit of teen hormones on top.

You can’t punish a child into being nice to you when you’ve abandoned them and are actively making them a unwanted guest that you hide the biscuits from and refuse to feed them if they haven’t had any dinner.

Why the fuck should he be there
Because it was his second home from age 4 to 10. He has step siblings.

Until it was taken from him.

OP is no saint.

How is the OP being abusive to her step son? And what am I cheering on, exactly?

Look, ignoring the existence of an adult for 2 years is not “very common, mild teenage behaviour”, and the natural consequences of doing that will be that that adult will eventually drop the rope.

It certainly doesn’t sound like the stepson is being punished. He absolutely should have been though, and well before now. It’s astounding to me that this has been allowed to go on for so long.

The OP refusing to cook for her stepson, and refusing to be responsible for him in his father’s absence isn’t the stepson being punished, but just the natural consequences of his behaviour towards the OP.

Ultimately, the OP isn’t her stepson’s parent, and she isn’t obligated to tolerate such disrespect from him. She has put up with it for 2 years, which is 2 years too long. I’m really glad she has now put her foot down.

Have none of the people who are talking rubbish about withholding food had a teenager who thinks they are allowed to eat anything in the house? My dp was like this when he moved in and my brothers were like this growing up- I had to ‘withhold food’ from my dp according to these posters when I told him I’d cooked for two meals and if he just wanted to eat it all then he was cooking and he was sorting the food budget. My eldest is tween and I have a list in my head of filling simple food he will have to learn to make himself so he gets fed without me making 5 meals a day or finding I can’t cook dinner as he’s eaten it all.

He has step siblings.

He’s lucky they even still speak to him and that things haven’t escalated between him and the OP’s sons due to his treatment of their mother.

It's 4 days a month... I don't think he's really eating every morsel of the household food. The OP just doesn't want to buy extra. But Dad should.

Imagine being that tight you think it’s perfectly normal to withhold food from a child. Some of the people on here should never have children.

Where does the OP say she is withholding food from her stepson?

I’ve read through her comments and all I can see is this:

“That’s the thing if my children were being greedy with food I would absolutely limit it and stop it but as it is DSS I feel that would be seen as an attack on him so I don’t mention it I just buy and rebuy.”

I absolutely limit my children’s access to junk food. Don’t most people?

You’ve been together 9 years which makes step son 4 when you first got together…..hardly being thrown in to a blended family like others have suggested. Defo a husband problem he should have gripped his son a long time ago. Regardless whether it was a family gathering with your side of the family, your in laws or both I feel after 9 years that’s irrelevant. 13 year olds are often incredibly anti social humans and given half the chance mine wouldn’t ever leave their rooms let alone socialise but the don’t get to do what they want when they want especially when their behaviour is rude and incredibly disrespectful.

nothing will change unless your husband implements the changes although it will take some time just like it will have taken time for the situation to have got to this. I’m afraid I’ve no magic way to fix this it all depends on your husband now. Xx

The op was talking about if he’s here for the week and she hadn’t stocked for it? Not for 4 days a month. I think she also says she left him two pizzas for lunch, so no one is starving the boy or restricting his caloric intake to any lower than what about two regular people need.