AIBU to refuse to cook for rude stepson after family gathering?

[Bookworm847]

So me and DH have been together 9 years- he has 1 DS age 13 and I have 2 DS age 15 & 13 and no children together. My DC live with me and go to their Dad EOW and we have DSS EOW.
About 2 years ago DSS stopped taking to me and I may get the occasional grunt but no ‘hello’ ‘goodbye’ and he mostly just walks off and ignores me when I talk or DH will repeat the same question and he will answer him which I find rude and disrespectful.
Yesterday we planned a huge family gathering for Easter and DSS refused to go- DH told him next time he would be going which I said was ridiculous and either he is part of the family and attends or you allow him to do what he pleases and stop the ‘next time’ as that’s pointless.
we get home about 8pm and DH asks me what I am cooking for DSS as he didn’t have dinner- I stated nothing and he hadn’t eaten due to his choice to stay home and DH was more than welcome to cook for him but I wasn’t (I had been cooking all day and DH had sat drinking beer).
DH then got in a sulk and I feel I had just had enough of the whole situation- I love my DH and he is an amazing step dad but he has allowed his son to be rude and disrespectful to me in my own home for 2 years and not addressed it to the point I feel uncomfortable in my own home when DSS is here and while it’s mainly only EOW it’s hard. DH has also agreed DSS being here all week now as I am off work and home with activities planned and booked for my DC with out even a conversation- DH will be at work so I feel now I can’t relax on my weekend off

No problem.

Also - just to note - this child IS part of a family. Part of being in a family, is that sometimes you are told no. Another part of being in a family, is recognising that adults might go on a forum to sound off about a very specific part of life that is annoying them, without talking about everything else that they and the other party are doing to ensure that the child is fine.

I don't think this child did anything wrong not wanting to go to the Easter dinner. His father is completely at fault for getting into a strop about making him dinner. But even strangers living together will show basic courtesy to their housemates but saying hello and goodbye which is what I was referring to in my initial post.

Or be sensible considering the epidemic of overweight and obese children who will have life long health consequences as parents can’t say no

Then I can’t be arsed addressing your victim blaming.

Arguing that Dad should cook a meal because he is his son seems odd to me.
I hope they don’t separate daily life like that all the time ?
I think if you dislike him so much you need to own it and reorganise your lives.

Plus “wean is a Scottish word for child. We don’t all live in London.

He is old enough to make his own food, if there was food available. Given that he's helping himself elsewhere, I doubt he went hungry.

Did anyone ask him about how he felt about the impact his changed secondary school would have on arrangements? If not, then that's neglectful. However that is his father's responsibility.

And even though he's old enough to be home alone, unless the father is also checking in regularly, checking his son is ok with this, and ensuring enough food is there then that is also neglectful. OP has shown she does care but she is not legally nor morally responsible for this child - who has ignored her for 2 years (lack of boundaries and respect from his father there again) - so to expect her to change carefully laid plans with her own children last minute is very unreasonable of her H. Especially given he's not parenting effectively around his rudeness to his stepmother. I really don't see why OP should be expected to step in last minute with no notice and give up valuable leave (as well as make everything worse for her own children) for a child that is treating her with total disrespect but where she does not feel she has the authority to step in and address this.

The H in this situation is treating everyone incredibly badly and needs to take a week off to spend with his son to start to put things right. If not now, the next half term.

Thanks for proving my point.

I'd also argue regardless of parentage that as OP did the lunch, the H should do any dinner needed when they're both off all day.

It was Easter Sunday yesterday and even my friends who aren’t church goers had special/roast meals usually with extended family. I’m assuming that’s why you had a family gathering?

I cannot imagine going out for a special day not discussing or knowing what a 13yr old (or any age really) child would be eating, before you left - let alone both adults actively arguing later as neither wanted to cook something! At 13 he is old enough to cook himself but a conversation would have been had before leaving.

We are are Team Passover so I don’t know the usual etiquette but all my non Jewish friends seemed to have special meals and/or family round - mostly for lamb! As well as chocolate eggs and Easter egg hunts of course. It seems like an “important” festival day so it’s sad to think of a 13 yr old having a special day like this on his own with so little thought given to him and what he would be doing/eating. Your DH is a really really shit parent and you need to massively raise your bar.

This is really depressing to read.

(I have made the assumption you celebrate Easter, excuse me if not)

Kid is an informal word for child, for the entirety of the English-speaking world - including Scotland. I also don't live in London.

And you don't need to address me about victim blaming because I haven't blamed anyone apart from the husband and he isn't a victim. HTH.

This is a DH problem. There is no way it’s acceptable for a child to ignore an adult for two years. How would DH feel if his son ignored DH’s parents or a teacher? Presumably he’d do something about it. So he should do something about it when he ignores you.

He needs to step up and parent properly. It sounds like they need more 1:1 time or this will get harder through teen years,

How do your children feel about everything? Are they happy or is this just all a drain on your focus and energy?

I was with you until the childish HTH.

As far as I was aware he was coming and he was aware of this around a month ago however I went ahead to my other family members home to bring food that needed cooking with my DS13 and then DH, DSS and DS15 were to joint slightly after as we were running late so didn’t want to rush them out the door. As I was going DSS told his dad he didn’t want to come and wanted to stay on his computer- his dad asked me away from DSS and I said I thought it was rude and even if he come for dinner and then went that would be better than nothing as his grandparents etc would want to see him he refused and went back to his room

My young DS has ASD so doesn’t really notice social interactions and things like that so is oblivious and carries on as normal. My DS15 has noticed and he finds it rude but is very chill and I have explained it’s not his concern to worry about so to treat DAS as he normally would

How can @Bookworm847 parent a child who refuses to engage in any conversation with her? Who ignores her and walks off when she asks him a question. His father the only adult in the household who he speaks to should have sat down and found out why he feels angry towards SM or maybe he is taking his frustration out on her because really he’s angry at his dad, and explained that whatever issue he has needs to be aired and resolved by talking about it. His father is ignoring the elephant in the room, instead he repeats OP’s question like his son is deaf and pretends that life is A-OK!

I was thinking about this.

I have sons and there is not a chance that they wouldn’t have said something to SS in these circumstances.

YANBU to refuse to do all the cooking. Can't your dh do basic cooking? He seems to be using you as the maid.

YABU to be putting all the blame on a kid, even an ill-mannered one. It's really your dh who is behaving badly.

Letting this go on for two years is pretty grim and irresponsible really. For all concerned.

Ok. Thanks for letting me know 👍

That is okay if he sometimes cooks for her children. But to divide cooking along the lines of whose they are seems damaging.
Cooking might be something she enjoys doing too. She did not exclusively cook the lunch but did so with others. But clearly offered to do so.

What a way to speak about a 13 year old who is probably not a priority for either of his parents and is shunted about with no say in the matter. Agree his father most likely is one, though. Poor boy.

If this continues, you'll be alone in a house with a 15/16/17 year old angry and resentful young man. You'll walk on egg shells in your own home and have a real problem on your hands. It's not going to get better on its own and it's better to sort it out now one way or another.

Apart from the obvious issues which PP have eloquently expressed, it's also a really bad situation for OP's children to see their mother being disrespected all the time and instead of her H doing something about it and laying down some boundaries just going along with it as if it's reasonable.

It's terrible behaviour and there very well may be what the child considers reasons behind it but those need to be explored and addressed and boundaries drawn. Just letting him get away with this is going to backfire horribly once he starts behaving in the same way towards teachers etc.

Other people must notice, too, surely and question you and your H about it OP? Or does he just opt out of any occasions when they might notice this extremely unhealthy dynamic?

Can I ask why neither of you thought of what your son was going to eat when you were out?