AIBU to refuse to cook for rude stepson after family gathering?

[Bookworm847]

So me and DH have been together 9 years- he has 1 DS age 13 and I have 2 DS age 15 & 13 and no children together. My DC live with me and go to their Dad EOW and we have DSS EOW.
About 2 years ago DSS stopped taking to me and I may get the occasional grunt but no ‘hello’ ‘goodbye’ and he mostly just walks off and ignores me when I talk or DH will repeat the same question and he will answer him which I find rude and disrespectful.
Yesterday we planned a huge family gathering for Easter and DSS refused to go- DH told him next time he would be going which I said was ridiculous and either he is part of the family and attends or you allow him to do what he pleases and stop the ‘next time’ as that’s pointless.
we get home about 8pm and DH asks me what I am cooking for DSS as he didn’t have dinner- I stated nothing and he hadn’t eaten due to his choice to stay home and DH was more than welcome to cook for him but I wasn’t (I had been cooking all day and DH had sat drinking beer).
DH then got in a sulk and I feel I had just had enough of the whole situation- I love my DH and he is an amazing step dad but he has allowed his son to be rude and disrespectful to me in my own home for 2 years and not addressed it to the point I feel uncomfortable in my own home when DSS is here and while it’s mainly only EOW it’s hard. DH has also agreed DSS being here all week now as I am off work and home with activities planned and booked for my DC with out even a conversation- DH will be at work so I feel now I can’t relax on my weekend off

Omg... I've repeatedly said THE FATHER NOT THE OP... should be ensuring enough food.

Are you actually that stupid or do you genuinely think the OP and the Father are the one? 🙄

If it was last minute on a bank holiday, the Dad (NOT THE OP) could have ensured there was at least enough extra food to cover HIS SON for one day until he could get a proper shop done for the rest of the week.

DH went back to work this morning and wouldn’t be back until Friday evening so yes he could of gone shopping yesterday but I would of still be left with a teenager that will not talk or acknowledge my existence

Well the OP either gets to the root of the non verbal issues and resolves them or agrees with her OH that stepson never comes over again.
First requires effort and a desire to want to do so. I don’t believe that exists.
Two years this has gone on for so highly unlikely to be resolved anytime soon.
Which leaves the latter.

How can you love someone who allows this situation @Bookworm847 ?

To allow your wife to be disrespected by your own son shows the measure of your husband. And he sounds utterly self absorbed and prepared to let you be treated like this in your own home.

He does not show love for you, or his son, by farting off to work and knowing the atmosphere he is escaping from, and leaving you to cope with.

I have tried more times than I can count to discuss this with his son and all I get was shrugged shoulders, grunts and no real answers. My husband has been part of this and also had countless conversations with his son away from me and the home where he reported he got the exact same mostly and that his son said ‘he just isn’t chatty’ and ‘doesn’t like talking’ and nothing changes

I think my husband doesn’t want to upset his son and risk not seeing him so he lets the behaviour go as much as possible and I don’t think he brain actually computes the impact on me and the whole house. This will be a very stern and open conversation this weekend when he is home and my DC are with their dad as hot needs addressing

Absolutely 💯 it's a shit situation. But it's been caused by your DHs lack of parenting.

Presumably you all got on better when your SS was there 50/50? What is your husband doing to change this situation and why has this been allowed go on so long?

My DSS is nearly 14, Im with his Dad 10 years so similar timeline to your family. And the only time I have been ignored is if he had earbuds in and couldn't hear me. If he was rude to me (or anyone for that matter) my DH would pull him up on it immediately and not let it drag on for 2 whole years. But similarly my DH would have fought the wars.to make sure he saw his son more than 14% of the month.

You shouldn't have to deal with this behaviour... but the problem stems with your DH.

You’re being overly harsh on your stepson and not harsh enough on your husband. It is REALLY HARD for children to acquire a stepparent, no matter how nice they are. It’s perfectly natural and normal that he doesn’t want to join in with someone else’s family. And I think deep down, vanishingly few step parents ACTUALLY treat their step kids with familial love and affection even if they truly think they do.
But why is your DH expecting you to do all the cooking and childcare? THAT is the real problem here.

Is there anything wrong with being quiet though? It sounds like pretty normal teenage behaviour. This isn't the same as a teen swearing. If his opinion of you is genuiely low, then he can't really win can he? Surely we've all said to children 'if you have nothing nice to say.. ' Maybe he is resentful that he has had to reduce contact with his Dad who is working all hours whilst you are at home with your DC.

I would like to ask the OP what outcome she wants and how does she think she or they will get to it ?

Do your kids and your step son not interact at all?

I just want basic manners so if ask a question like ‘do you want mash’ I get an answer no a stare and response when my husband repeats the same question- if I say good morning or hello when he comes I get a response which I don’t think is excessive.

My DS13 is ASD but will talk to DSS pretty much the same as he does with DS15- he knows DSS only talks to him when he ‘wants’ something for example wanted to try skateboarding so asked him to borrow his to see if he liked it before getting one. DS15 is out with friends more and treats DSS no different but will step in and say ‘my mum asked you a question’ if he sees me being ignored but then carries on as normal.

How do you think you will get to this outcome ? What do you think you all need to do to get there ? And what will you do if that doesn’t happen ?

I’m glad you’ve taken from the thread that your DH isn’t stepping up to the plate (very fucking far from!) as a parent @Bookworm847. I definitely would not want to be with someone I could not respect as a competent parent so I think you posting about what you saw as a DSS problem may have wider ripples on your life. If you want a separate fresh thread on dealing with this it may be useful?

Also may I ask, was it an Easter family “celebration” you had on Sunday? We don’t mark Easter but non Jewish friends all seemed to mark it with special or family meals. For us, a 13yr old is probably on the cusp of being free to stay at home for similar festival style meet ups, but their presence would be appreciated and encouraged - in a very different way from your thread (also they’d want to go at 13 as they’d be spoilt by grandparents etc!) It seems a very different culture and it feels very “cold”. It’s reassuring that the majority of posters think so and it’s not just cultural differences. It seems to be seen a difference in family interaction, and a dad that isn’t being a good enough dad. I feel sorry for the boy but can appreciate your frustration. Your H needs to step up and instil manners by demonstrating how to behave as a good person, as well telling him how. Also seeing if there is unhappiness in your DSS, it seems obvious there is but your H is just fucking off to work, and sending his child away without even thinking about his welfare. Shit parenting. Shit role model. Shit husband.

You could go by the rebuild route… the current asking him doesn’t work . Maybe incorporate half an hour during the visit where you can all play ( as a family, the 5 of you) a card game like Dobble or Uno. Make it your family habit. It’s a really light way to engage. He may forget he’s not talking to you. Every time my step dc visit, it’s part of our routine. I also do an activity one to one with the younger step child just the two of us. It’s become a format for visits. The moody one will also join the family game and begrudgingly has fun :)

Did his father work away in the week when you were 50/50?

No he didn’t that started about 4 months after DSS moved to EOW

Was this a catalyst in your DH not fighting to maintain 50/50 access? Did he think he could change jobs easier fi he had his son less?

Not at all DSS mum moved further away due to work and then picked a secondary door even further away so in the opposite direction to us which would have meant an hour journey each way. She also felt that 50/50 wasn’t working as DSS felt he never knew where he was and being at ours limited him with friends- we haven’t moved areas since they split

Yes, I read where you said the original choice / suggestion was DSS Mothers.

My query was why your DH didn't fight this? To go from having your child 50% of the time to just 14% is a huge decision. And again, adds to your DH lack of parenting.... and evidently hasn't been working out because his son is now miserable. And so are you by the sounds of it.

Saviour wise it didn’t seem to working and DSS was struggling with rules in different homes- 50/50 doesn’t work for a lot of children and I for one wouldn’t want to be moved around weekly it was discussed with him with mum and dad )I was not involved or present) as I wouldn’t be doing school runs etc due to my work and children and he appeared happy to stay with mum.

But did 50/50 not work for the 6 years prior?
I'm not in anyway judging you OP... genuinely. I don't think anyone of this is on you and I think you're in a shit situation where your DSS who has been part of your blended family for a long long time, has been rude to you for far too long. I personally wouldn't have stood for it that long... but the issue is 100% with your DH who needed to nip it in the bud 2 years ago.

I know that 50/50 doesn't always work... but it worked for 6 years prior? So what changed? Did the rules change in your house? We're there not discussions about what days DSS might be better suited to go to Dads? How was it really decided that it would be dropped so dramatically to just 4 days a month? Can your DH not even take him out for dinner or to the cinema or something midweek (prior to the job change which came after).

I'm just saying this because whilst yeah maybe I wouldn't want to swap houses every week, but now he's swapping houses and probably doesn't even feel at home or wamted because his Dad didn't fight for him. And you're getting the brunt of it because you are the person primarily running the household.

Well unfortunately OP he is your stepson and sometimes you just get what you get in life.

Lots of teens are awkward and the family can't just return to sender.

ETA if you didn't want someone else's child in your house, you shouldn't have moved in with someone who had one.

I just want basic manners so if ask a question like ‘do you want mash’ I get an answer no a stare and response when my husband repeats the same question

I’d lose respect For DH so fast if he normalised this. It’s utterly unacceptable. Will be interesting to see whether he plans to address this when you talk. Or just opt for an easy life of not bothering to parent.