AIBU to refuse to cook for rude stepson after family gathering?

[Bookworm847]

So me and DH have been together 9 years- he has 1 DS age 13 and I have 2 DS age 15 & 13 and no children together. My DC live with me and go to their Dad EOW and we have DSS EOW.
About 2 years ago DSS stopped taking to me and I may get the occasional grunt but no ‘hello’ ‘goodbye’ and he mostly just walks off and ignores me when I talk or DH will repeat the same question and he will answer him which I find rude and disrespectful.
Yesterday we planned a huge family gathering for Easter and DSS refused to go- DH told him next time he would be going which I said was ridiculous and either he is part of the family and attends or you allow him to do what he pleases and stop the ‘next time’ as that’s pointless.
we get home about 8pm and DH asks me what I am cooking for DSS as he didn’t have dinner- I stated nothing and he hadn’t eaten due to his choice to stay home and DH was more than welcome to cook for him but I wasn’t (I had been cooking all day and DH had sat drinking beer).
DH then got in a sulk and I feel I had just had enough of the whole situation- I love my DH and he is an amazing step dad but he has allowed his son to be rude and disrespectful to me in my own home for 2 years and not addressed it to the point I feel uncomfortable in my own home when DSS is here and while it’s mainly only EOW it’s hard. DH has also agreed DSS being here all week now as I am off work and home with activities planned and booked for my DC with out even a conversation- DH will be at work so I feel now I can’t relax on my weekend off

If he’s agreed to his son being there, he also needs to be there.

Can his son be left in the house alone?

Why the hell did he expect you to cook for him? Did his hands fall off?

What a little shit. Your DH can’t expect you to look after him all week if he’s not there

Your husband sounds awful. I don't think it's surprising for a 13yo to object to being inserted into a family he has no choice over and is outnumbered in. Your DH is the problem.

Your husband doesn't sound very amazing. He sounds like he sees you as the staff rather than his partner.

Yes his son can be left and I very much doubt he would want to come out with us anyway- but he makes a huge mess and we go through more food in the 2 days he is normally here then my 2 DSS in 12 days so I would get to come home to a massive mess daily and no food

You are misdirected your anger. Your OH is the issue- not helping with cooking and just expecting you to be childcare provider without discussion.

The issues with DSS should have been tackled years ago too.

Your husband sounds pretty lazy: he sat drinking beer all day while you did all the work and then expects you to sort another meal for his son at home. Also, if my 13 yo son refused to come on a day out, he'd be expected to make some beans on toast or pasta for himself. A 13 year old should be able to manage a basic meal.

He’s 13 and sounds very very unhappy

Your husband sounds appalling

I’d be looking far more harshly at your DH in this case than a 13 year old boy. Firstly, everyone in a house should respect everyone else. Secondly, if the son doesn’t show that respect and won’t listen to what you say, his dad needs to step up and parent him, plus enforce the rules on tidying up etc.
I would be furious at DH in your shoes.

I accidentally clicked YABU! So sorry. YANBU at all 🙈
But I do think the issue is with your DH, not with a 13 year old kid behaving in a very classically teenage way. Definitely one to pick up with DH.

Why does your DSS want to spend the week at your house? It seems an odd choice if he doesn't really join in.

I would actually limit the amount of food in the house he can help himself to. Enough so he doesn't go hungry but not enough that he can eat far more than he needs.

Send your DH to the shop each evening to restock what's needed for the next day and get your DH to sort his son's mess along with his son.

Neither of them might be so keen on him staying the week again if they both have to take some responsibility for the food eaten and the mess made.

Yesterday we planned a huge family gathering for Easter and DSS refused to go

who’s side of the family? Yours?

Your DH is the issue here, not the 13 year old child who is obviously unhappy.

Your husband sounds utterly awful!!
you love him?!? Why?
how dare he expect you to cook his son something after he refused to come and then get in a sulk about it? That is literally insane. Do neither of them have hands? That’s the only thing I can think of.

Why would SS want to be at your house all week when his dad will won’t be there during the day and he doesn’t think you’re worthy of basic civility? Wouldn’t he rather be at his mum’s?

What an awful approach, just a list of steps to make a child feel unwelcome in their own home

Your husband is a misogynist wanker. I doubt he is much of a step father either if your DC see and hear him treat you this way.

Any man that asked me what I was cooking for HIS son’s dinner wouldn’t be a man I stayed in a relationship with. Do you really think he (and your relationship) is a great example for your own boys? It seems pretty clear what he thinks your role in the house is

The eating so much, and the fact that he’s chosen to be somewhere he hates for a week, is concerning. I hope he’s got access to enough food in his resident home. Does your husband pay a lot of maintenance to make up for the fact that he doesn’t parent at all?

This. It's not his fault his parents have separated and that his dad now has a new family. He must feel like the outsider. Maybe he needs some one to one time with his dad.

Sorry OP but the real problem here is that you appear to have married a complete TOSSER

What a shit setup.

Your kids get treated to watching your stepson ignore you in your home and your shitty husband expecting you to cook for SS after a long day out where you've already been cooking all day while he drank alcohol.

That's not an amazing stepdad, more a shit one. He's showing your kids how to be a sulking misogynist.