AIBU to refuse to cook for rude stepson after family gathering?

[Bookworm847]

So me and DH have been together 9 years- he has 1 DS age 13 and I have 2 DS age 15 & 13 and no children together. My DC live with me and go to their Dad EOW and we have DSS EOW.
About 2 years ago DSS stopped taking to me and I may get the occasional grunt but no ‘hello’ ‘goodbye’ and he mostly just walks off and ignores me when I talk or DH will repeat the same question and he will answer him which I find rude and disrespectful.
Yesterday we planned a huge family gathering for Easter and DSS refused to go- DH told him next time he would be going which I said was ridiculous and either he is part of the family and attends or you allow him to do what he pleases and stop the ‘next time’ as that’s pointless.
we get home about 8pm and DH asks me what I am cooking for DSS as he didn’t have dinner- I stated nothing and he hadn’t eaten due to his choice to stay home and DH was more than welcome to cook for him but I wasn’t (I had been cooking all day and DH had sat drinking beer).
DH then got in a sulk and I feel I had just had enough of the whole situation- I love my DH and he is an amazing step dad but he has allowed his son to be rude and disrespectful to me in my own home for 2 years and not addressed it to the point I feel uncomfortable in my own home when DSS is here and while it’s mainly only EOW it’s hard. DH has also agreed DSS being here all week now as I am off work and home with activities planned and booked for my DC with out even a conversation- DH will be at work so I feel now I can’t relax on my weekend off

He’s a 13 year old child who is extremely unhappy - overall and in both the houses that his parents’ circumstances have forced him to live in. Under these circumstances, you wanting him to be polite to you is just ridiculous - are you a princess? He is deeply, deeply troubled. Your DH, you and all the adults involved need to work together to help him. Every day. His life sounds horrible. And your DH is useless/oblivious. It’s only going to get worse because nobody is helping him. And I mean real help, not a bloody meal.

You have a DH problem, not a DSS problem.

Its fine for DSS to not want to come and you’re taking it way too personally.

Its pretty common for them to be hermits that age and be that talkative.

My DD is extremely well behaved but she went through a phase of barely talking to me and just wanting to be in her room most of the time.

I actually cannot imagine someone even speaking those words to me - what am I cooking.
I think I’d be so shocked that I’d burst out laughing or be shocked into silence.

Your DSS is fine.
DH on the other hand is a massive twat and should have never uttered those words to you.
If he felt DSS needed to be fed then he should have made him something or told DSS to make himself something.

He’s 13?!? If he can’t make himself food for whatever reason then his dad needs to address that pdq

Another one here feeling this.

It is very obvious from standing back and reading this thread that the DSS feels upset about the new family set up and is trying - in the ways open to him - to reject it.

His father needs to step up and ensure his life choices have properly accommodated his child's needs. When a family is dysfunctional, it falls on the adults to address and correct that, not the children.

I’m sorry but by this stage I would refuse to have DSS in the house unless DH is home and supervising. If he is rude he can sod off back to his mother’s. No way would I stand for that treatment in my own house.

I assume you co-own the house, because if not, I’d ban the DSS until he can behave civilly. I’m afraid you have a DH issue - because HE should not be standing for this treatment and behaviour from his son. My DH wouldn’t allow our children to treat me like this - and neither should yours.

Where have you been cooking all day when not at home?

he makes a huge mess and we go through more food in the 2 days he is normally here then my 2 DSS in 12 days

OP the resentment dripping from this comment is no doubt part of the problem here. Just food for thought.

In your shoes, I would be booking myself into a hotel EOW.

This behaviour is insane.

Does he come to you on the weekend that your kids aren't there?

Why didn't he want to see his GPs?

Do your DH hands not work? Him sulking about you not cooking for his son is pathetic.

Think your DH turning to you expecting you to cook is more disrespectful than his son TBH

You need to sit them both together in the same room and stand by the door so no one can leave. You tell them directly that you’re not putting up with it any more. His son is manipulating the whole situation here and your husband needs to see that. He knows his dad can speak to you how he wants and expects you to cook and do things etc… he’s copying his behaviour and probably is loving it.
You tell them both you’re not a slave and you deserve to be respected. This will shock them both and give you a little control back over the situation. If your husband doesn’t like it, tough. Your kids are respectful of him, imagine if it was the other way around.

Stop living on eggshells and put a stop to it. If it upsets a few people then so be it. You are only here to enjoy life once. The kid needs to be parented. He will thank you for it in future years.

You have a DH problem. The issue here is that he is expecting you to do the 'women's work', cooking and childcare without so much as a discussion. You don't have to put up with this. You should not be taking out your issues with your husband on your step son.

Your DSS should be able to stay over the easter holidays as where his father lives is his home too and the fact that you are complaining about how much he eats is a sign you resent him which I am sure he feels.

It isn't unusual for some teens to eat a lot and to be somewhat uncommunicative or not want to go to family gatherings (especially when he isn't especially close to the family). Someone needs to teach him the basic skills to feed himself, and maybe make suggestions if you are leaving him home alone. My son didn't cook much at 13 but he could get bread, cereal, something from the freezer, warm up some leftovers or make a pot noodle!

Your DSS sounds quite unhappy and it isn't surprising if you resent his presence, his dad leaves him to his own devices on the limited time they have together, along with him not wanting to be at his other home because he won't have his computer and his step siblings break his stuff. Poor kid.

You've definitely let it slide for far too long, I'm glad you've told your DH he either takes the week off or his son stays with his mum - what did he say?

You're not being unreasonable at all.

I wouldn't tolerate the attitude and disrespect, but also....

1. there's no way on this planet I'd have been cooking for him. You're not the servant.

2. If your DH has agreed to have him for the week, he should be off work. It shouldn't be down to you to care for him.

If anything I'd say you've possibly been too soft with your DH and DSS. There's absolutely no way that crap would fly.

They’ve been together 9 years. He knows no other way of the set up. It’s been in place since probably before he can remember. Her kids have no problem with it, he needs parenting and fast. Not pussy footing around. His step mum deserves the right to be respected, it works both ways!

Why hasn’t either of his parents taught him to cook anything yet?

Who owns the house? Is it jointly owned @Bookworm847 ? I honestly couldn't be with someone who disrespected me like that. The ds is another issue entirely but your dh is the main problem.

Nip this in the bud now OP otherwise DSS will drive a wedge between you and your husband and the marriage will be in tatters. His behaviour will only get worse now he realises that he has the upper hand and that his dad is team DSS. He'll feed off this power. Your husband either steps up and addresses this disrespect for you immediately or he moves out.
And as for the looking after his son all week?? No fucking way!!! Plan your days with your own children and tell DH that he needs to sort out his own sons activities during the week and if that means taking time off work then so be it! He is your DHs responsibility, not yours!

So he is the spare child everywhere? No wonder he is struggling. Over eating may be sheer sorrow. Poor kid.
Your DH sounds ghastly and uninvolved. This is a really sad post. Poor children

No fucking way!!! Plan your days with your own children and tell DH that he needs to sort out his own sons activities during the week

But they are supposed to be a family of which the DSS is part. This does not sound like a recipe for a united family unit.

Initially I voted YANBU as your DSS sounded rude and your DH lazy.

I've changed my vote to YABU having read your responses as you seem determined to minimise the crap behaviour of a grown man and put all the blame on a 13 year old boy who sounds like he has a tough life (his step siblings break all of his things? And your DH thinks it's fine for him to stay in that situation 12 days out of 14?)

You have a DH who expects you to cook at the drop of a hat for him and his DSS (even if you are responsible for cooking for the family generally, if he wants a separate meal or his DSS does he should cook it). He also thinks you can look after his DSS (who doesn't talk to you) whilst he disappears for a week!

This wasn't your original question, but I'd seriously be considering what he brings to your life. Thank goodness you don't have any shared children.

Agree. I never understand how people read these threads and cannot see the pain in the children manifesting in their inconvenient behaviour.

As much as I agree it is a shame for the child, do you expect parents to live as single people for the rest of their lives?

And this is why step kids can be messed up! It’s their home, you can’t refuse to have a child in their own home! Would op do that with her own 13 year old?