AIBU to refuse to cook for rude stepson after family gathering?

[Bookworm847]

So me and DH have been together 9 years- he has 1 DS age 13 and I have 2 DS age 15 & 13 and no children together. My DC live with me and go to their Dad EOW and we have DSS EOW.
About 2 years ago DSS stopped taking to me and I may get the occasional grunt but no ‘hello’ ‘goodbye’ and he mostly just walks off and ignores me when I talk or DH will repeat the same question and he will answer him which I find rude and disrespectful.
Yesterday we planned a huge family gathering for Easter and DSS refused to go- DH told him next time he would be going which I said was ridiculous and either he is part of the family and attends or you allow him to do what he pleases and stop the ‘next time’ as that’s pointless.
we get home about 8pm and DH asks me what I am cooking for DSS as he didn’t have dinner- I stated nothing and he hadn’t eaten due to his choice to stay home and DH was more than welcome to cook for him but I wasn’t (I had been cooking all day and DH had sat drinking beer).
DH then got in a sulk and I feel I had just had enough of the whole situation- I love my DH and he is an amazing step dad but he has allowed his son to be rude and disrespectful to me in my own home for 2 years and not addressed it to the point I feel uncomfortable in my own home when DSS is here and while it’s mainly only EOW it’s hard. DH has also agreed DSS being here all week now as I am off work and home with activities planned and booked for my DC with out even a conversation- DH will be at work so I feel now I can’t relax on my weekend off

Well done op, although I suspect your h will just opt for the latter, and shift his problem back on to a different woman. I’d eat my hat if for I expect the first time in his life he would do what decent dads do all the time, which is take the time off, take his son somewhere he wants to go to and devotes an entire week to him. I expect doing something like that isn’t even on this man’s radar. Which is why his son is like he is.

His son does get 1 on 1 time with his dad - they have weekends away at events he likes and I equally have the same with mine and then we do things together like theme parks and holidays

Then this lovely DH of yours buys in more food on his way home and then the lovely DH either cleans up the mess or gets his son to do it.

Then your lovely DH can talk to his child that his rudeness stops right now (and any other problems) and then lovely DH can start parenting his child when the child comes to your house, which can involve cooking for him if child refuses to eat with rest of family.

Your lovely DH is a misogynistic twat btw. Congratulations on foisting him on your two children.

PS. It's not your house anymore if you married.

I'm going to take a different approach here. Your stepson is obviously unhappy.

While I agree that you have a DH problem, I also think that you need to help your stepson and look at this just as an issue with a teenage child.

It's today normal for them to be sulky and rude at this age and to want to be in their room for hours. However, he shouldn't be allowed to opt out of family events, sometimes they just need forcing along.

I would look at doing some love bombing on him and building up your relationship with him. Spend time with him, talk to him, make him feel like you care. Teenagers are desperate for attention and connection but they act out as if they don't. You need to parent him and offer it.

And yes, ideally his dad would do this as well but I think you need to do it too. You are in his life as a parent figure and you need to step up to that.

DH is a separate issue. Keep them separate and deal with them separately, but please don't let this young boy feel alone and unloved.

But the way yanbu over the food, your DH in this situation should have made his son something to eat.

Teenagers can be arseholes .. they aren’t adults, they don’t have adult brains or adult reasoning. They can show unhappiness through bad behaviour.

This started 2 years ago, what got said at the time it started? Did someone sit down with him and have a conversation about what’s going on (without getting mad or angry). He is telling you all something, and none of you are listening - yes, the way he is expressing is wrong, but you need to dig in and find out what’s happening

He seems unhappy, he won’t be enjoying feeling this way, he won’t be enjoying excluding himself, he won’t be enjoying a lack of connection.

An adult needs to spend some time with him, having a non-judgmental, non-angry conversation. Maybe reframe the narrative.

My bet is that he feels pushed out at his Mum’s , and pushed out at his Dad’s (rightly or wrongly)

So how many meals is he cooking per week OP? Bet he gives it the whole‘I’ve been working all week’

But ultimately your right my DH needs to sort his self out and stop taking the lazy option and either step up and parent or I will step away with my DSS as this is exhausting

Somebody needs to step up for this neglected child. Yes, he's neglected. At home with his mum his stepsiblings break all his things to the point that he needs to leave his computer at his dad's where he spends just eow. At his dad's he's allowed to spend all day infront of his computer and he's overeating, either emotionally or because he's not properly fed at home.
@Bookworm847 Not saying you are responsible for this but surely you, as an adult, realises that this is neglect?

Someone needs to lovingly care for this boy. I'm a former social worker and while all might not feel up to this I would go to great extent to create a bond with this young lad and help his father to do so as well. Starting with taking this boy out on 1:1 activities. Your dh should absolutely do this, I understand that it's hard for you now when a negative pattern has already been established. Try to have some compassion for this boy who probably feels unsafe and unloved and who is truly miserable. He should have set screen times and not be let to his own devices. That's just neglect.

Your dh needs to massively step up for his son and start to take his fatherly duties seriously. This is just not good enough. I honestly couldn't love and respect a man who expects someone else to care of his son when he already sees so little of him.

Do you ask him what he is cooking for your kids?

He sounds like a real lowlife misogynist, and is a failure as a parent. And a sulker, too.
I couldn't be around a man like this for one minute.

You could be enjoying life.

You and your husband have created an unhealthy dynmamic and now you would rather blame your step child than take responsibility for that. Don't try to isolate one of the children in your household, it is abusive and unhealthy for all three DC.

Poor SS also has a blended family at his main home with his mum where his other step siblings break his stuff, so basically neither house feels like his home.

His poor behaviour towards you is communicating how unhappy he is and as pp have said you either commit to addressing his issues with your husband and making his happiness your priority or you leave.
This will not get better by leaving it to your lazy, thoughtless husband.

When you had him 50/50, did his dad actually parent him the vast majority of the time, or did you?
when you said ‘my home’ below, do you mean the house you live in bought by both of you, or did you own in before?

A 13 year old should be able to put together a meal for themselves . If DH that concerned he should do it himself.

You need to insist that your husband and his son clear up daily and replace the food daily. Your husband is a prick. You don’t invite your child over and then go to work poor fucking child.

You need to sit down around a table and your Husband needs to say
you have ignored Emma for 2 years and ignoring is beyond rude this is her house, This is our house and family and you are welcome but on conditions and one of those is basic courtesy this is hello, thanks, cleaning up etc and you are just being so rude and disrespectful.

But I don’t think he will he is not a good husband or a good father.

So DSS stopped talking to you 2 years ago. The same sort of time as 50/50 contact was changed to EOW. Coincidence or not?

Perhaps DSS wanted contact to stay 50/50 and somehow sees it as your fault. I'm not saying it is but he seems to prefer your household if he wants to stay for a week and his mother's household is chaotic with siblings breaking things.

This boy just sounds so unhappy. He is having to live in a situation he would not have chosen with strangers.

I have tried and so has DH (away from me so he couldn’t feel free to voice his opinion) about the rudeness and ignoring me and all we received was shoulder shrugging and ‘I don’t know’.

Did these feelings surface and was the conversation with your DH only initiated because of this thread?

How did your DH respond?

This needs to be your focus.

I have some deep compassion for your DSS - looks like he’s not the priority anywhere - seems he is an only child and his step siblings and half siblings each have similar aged siblings and both families centre their dynamics on the younger DCs.

It must be hard as a teenager ricocheting between households.

His DF is neglectful of him and maybe he sees him being a great stepfather to your DCs - that must sting.

Does your SS EOW coincide with when your DCs are away or with you? IMHO it would be better for him to have one on one time with his DF. This is a really critical emotional development phase right now and would be a good investment of your DH time if he doesn’t want his DS to go off the rails and have years of issues.

As others have said, you have a DH problem. This child clearly believes he belongs nowhere and is not the main focus of attention at either of his 'homes'.

The lazy fucker who asked you what YOU were going to cook for HIS child - does he ever do a fair share in the cooking of meals or do we infer from this question that he leaves all that to you?

He's really role modelling 'misogynist twat' for the all the children in the family, isn't he?

Is this real? A 13 year old who sees his dad married to another woman and all the associated hormones of being 13.
Limit his food?
This is the stuff of wicked stepmothers.

What on earth have I just read?? Why the fuck does your DH expect you to cook for his son? Does having a penis prevent him from being able to prepare food? Have you all been transported back to the 1950s? Is your DH the Neanderthal from the other thread? Chuck this lazy sexist twat out and his obnoxious son with him. Why oh why would you put up with this OP?

Your DSS shouldn't be staying for a week when his dad isn't there to care for him.
Edit to add: especially as DSS doesn't clean up after himself and leaves a mess. DH needs to parent him or clean or after him.

OP, you are not listening to the many posters who have expressed concern for this 13 year old boy, who doesn’t feel at home in either home. People keep on saying that this issue yesterday was your DH’s behaviour, but you keep on emphasising how intolerable and difficult for you your DSS’ behaviour is. You’ve known him since he was 4 but you can’t find any way to get on a wavelength with him? Does anyone actually know what he is up to on his computer by the way?

To go back to your OP, yes it was not reasonable for you to cook for him and you were entirely justified in telling his dad to sort it. It was unreasonable of your DH even to suggest that it was your responsibility. Yes it is not reasonable of his DH to agree he will stay all week without discussing it with you, taking any time to be with his son during the week, or setting ground rules (and enforcing them) for what will happen whether his Dad is in or out.

But please find a bit more heart for your SS however rudely he has treated you. And ask yourself what you will do if your own kids go through a difficult phase as young teens. If you think it won’t happen to you, have a read through the many threads on here that show that none of us can say that.

@Bookworm847 Your DH needs to step-up and put some effort into parenting his DS. He should have shown him it was no trouble cooking for him yesterday. I wonder how he felt when he was clearly a burden for you both (not blaming you OP).

Your DH should be told to make a fuss of him after work this week. Take him out, cinema, wood walks, kick-about over the park, ice cream etc… and willingly cook for him.

You might then find he becomes happier to be in your home and stop the silence treatment.

Hide as many snacks as possible in your bedroom. Don't replace any food he eats. Ignore the mess.