AIBU to refuse to cook for rude stepson after family gathering?

[Bookworm847]

So me and DH have been together 9 years- he has 1 DS age 13 and I have 2 DS age 15 & 13 and no children together. My DC live with me and go to their Dad EOW and we have DSS EOW.
About 2 years ago DSS stopped taking to me and I may get the occasional grunt but no ‘hello’ ‘goodbye’ and he mostly just walks off and ignores me when I talk or DH will repeat the same question and he will answer him which I find rude and disrespectful.
Yesterday we planned a huge family gathering for Easter and DSS refused to go- DH told him next time he would be going which I said was ridiculous and either he is part of the family and attends or you allow him to do what he pleases and stop the ‘next time’ as that’s pointless.
we get home about 8pm and DH asks me what I am cooking for DSS as he didn’t have dinner- I stated nothing and he hadn’t eaten due to his choice to stay home and DH was more than welcome to cook for him but I wasn’t (I had been cooking all day and DH had sat drinking beer).
DH then got in a sulk and I feel I had just had enough of the whole situation- I love my DH and he is an amazing step dad but he has allowed his son to be rude and disrespectful to me in my own home for 2 years and not addressed it to the point I feel uncomfortable in my own home when DSS is here and while it’s mainly only EOW it’s hard. DH has also agreed DSS being here all week now as I am off work and home with activities planned and booked for my DC with out even a conversation- DH will be at work so I feel now I can’t relax on my weekend off

Does he see that he should have been spending that time and playing those games with his own child? Instead of leaving him on his own playing on his computer? Please tell me he monitors what his son is up to online ?

Right. So he did the stuff he enjoys. And not the stuff he didn’t. What a prince. Look op, have your bar as low as you like. Your choice. The problem is when between you you’re bringing up 3 new boys to be misogynists by what they see.

But left his own kid sat at home alone all day.

This kid sees his dad every other weekend and because he doesn't want to go to a "huge" family gathering, where only 3 of the attendees are his actual family, his dad leaves him alone, and then can't even be bothered to cook his son a meal on returning home.

He barely gets any time with his dad. Is this kid ever his dads priority?

I feel sorry for him and his behaviour is probably a result of his useless dad.

You do have a voice. Why do you not lay down a few house rules with your Stepson?

Time for you and your DH to sit down and teach him some manners.

Don’t piss him, off that won’t work.

It’s not what you/both say, it’s how you say it.

Why was a 13 yo allowed to stay at home all day? Kids will rebel against going to family get togethers unless they can take a device with them or see someone they really like there. Looks like your DSS isn’t being parented.

They’ve been together since he was 4 they are also his family if he’s been involved since the beginning.

The child is not the problem here.

DH has also agreed DSS being here all week now as I am off work and home with activities planned and booked for my DC with out even a conversation- DH will be at work so I feel now I can’t relax on my weekend off

This is awful behaviour on DH part. How dare he agree with his ex that DSS can stay with you for the week while he is at work, without even consulting you.
How DARE he not even consult you or talk to you about it first.
Just who does he think he is?
How DARE he just take over your time, impose this burden on you (and DSS is a burden, because of crap fathering). Does he think he is your employer, with authority to dole out tasks and dictate what you do?

You need to find your anger.

Tell DH that if DSS is here for the week, he needs to book annual leave and actually spend time with his son.
If DH refuses to take annual leave, can you take your two DS and go and stay elsewhere for a few nights? Force him to step up.
Do you have access to money? Can you book a cheap Air BNB or a Travelodge?

🤣🤣🤣🤣

It depends...if he has always only seen his dad every other weekend, how much will he have really seen ops extended family? He may not feel that comfortable around them all and like a bit of am outsider.

At the end of the day, his behaviour doesn't really scream happy teenager. So maybe his dad needs to actually parent him and spend time with his, instead of going off on Easter Sunday to play happy families with his step kids, on the weekend his own son is here.

Sure, he may have just been being a brat by refusing to go, but dad should be dealing with that, not ditching him all day and not even bothering to ensure he has an evening meal.

He sees him every other weekend. Dad should make an effort when he is there

He only sees his son EOW?

My ex is the same but its less now hes older but I just don't know how these men spend so much time and energy on step kids and rarely see their own kids.

It’s your DC I feel for. It would have broken my heart when I was their age to have watched my mum be treated as such an irrelevance by another child except for servitude and see this be backed up by a man who is supposed to love her.

DH is the issue. DSS is just a child - be kind and generous to DSS who is dealing with a lot of emotions. Be tough with DH who needs to be a proper father and husband - he can cook!

The first part of this spot on; the rest I have to disagree with. The kid needs some stability and for you to show that you want him in your lives. You need a united front with your husband. Assuming you want this to work I'm afraid it sounds like you’ll have to take the lead in showing your husband what good parenting looks like as he clearly doesn’t know! Yes that’s crap and let’s the man off the hook to an extent but his crappy parenting has already done a lot of damage to this poor kid so you either try to help him solve it or walk away. He’s not going to magically guess how to be a great dad or he would have already been doing it!

This!

I think you’re right, but also you have to understand he probably holds some resentment that his step siblings of similar age get to spend all of their time with his dad, whilst he just gets to see his father four days a month. This is bound to have an impact on him emotionally which might explain why he acts like he does sometimes. Does your dh get to spend one on one time with his son?

The problem here is your DH. He’s not amazing, he’s useless. He should be parenting his son, he’s not even doing the basics like teaching him good manners, or even cooking a meal for him.

You have a big conversation with DH due here. Prepare exactly what you want, going forward. Do not be side lined, stick to your guns and insist that DH steps up. Stay strong. 💪

Yet another woman defending her crap husband and putting the blame on his child.

🙄

You say DH is an amazing step dad. But he's a shit father. DSS is not the problem here and he sounds deeply unhappy. Just put yourself in DSS's shoes for a moment. Your DH spends more time with your sons of a similar age (lives with them full time) and is an 'amazing step dad' to them and yet he only sees his own son EOW and even then leaves him alone for the day or goes to work.

I'm not condoning the way your DSS acts towards you but it's not hard to see why.

DH works away from Monday morning until Friday afternoon/ evening so my DC don’t see him much more than his son as EOW they go to their dads.
i have told him either he takes this week off and spends time with his son or he needs to go to his mums as he didn’t even have the common courtesy to involve me in the situation before making plans that only really impact me.

Your ‘D’H sounds bloody useless! I can’t believe he had the cheek to ask you what you were going to cook for his son!
And I’d be having words with him re assuming you’re ok to have his son around all week when he won’t be there. He’s treating you like the hired help!

Im sure you know your husband is the main problem here....
Your DH seems to be modelling disrespectful behaviour to his DS in the way he treats you. Its unsurprising the DSS is growing up to be disrespectful to the only woman in the household.

1. DH needs to treat you with respect ie: not expecting you to provide childcare/cooking for his DS without consultation with you.
2. Your DH need to participate int he care of his DS
3. You need to work together on expectations of each other.

Well done standing up for yourself. I do feel sorry for DSS though, but his dad needs to step up here.

I’ve just read that he works away all week as well! What exactly is he bringing to your life right now?

My family live within 3 roads of me and are very close- in and out of each others houses etc so have been involved with DSS since he was 4. He gets the same Xmas, birthday and Easter presents as my DS and is not treated any differently. When DS was 4-10 we had him 50/50 but when he started secondary school he didn’t work due to distance so his mum moved it to EOW and then DH had a job working away in the week so he knows my family very well