My DH is just a bit of a Neanderthal and it’s frustrating or am I the one who’s in the wrong ?

[dhandhisviews]

It’s a bunch of things really. Mental health for example- I’ve struggled for a long time off and on- especially after I had babies, but he never really acknowledged it and is 100 percent against medication. I’ve never taken meds before for it. Recently I’ve really been struggling from health anxiety around myself and my kids and have been in a state. I don’t really talk to him about it ( or anyone ) as he doesn’t get it. Fine, some people just don’t. I did open up one night and told him I was struggling a lot and I was finally considering meds. He said I’ll be a zombie and won’t be able to look after my kids etc.

I explained that it really helps some people and he just said he’s absolutely against it. Anyway, I started the meds and haven’t told him. I started two weeks ago and feel fine so far. Anyway, that’s just one example.

My DD school are saying she has attention difficulties and just doesn’t get stuff in the classroom. He won’t hear it. He says she’s just a child and she’s fine. She’s 6. I said that clearly something isn’t right, why else would they be taking time out to have meetings with us ? He thinks it’s all bollocks. They’re not diagnosing her yet or putting her on any path, but if they do, I know he just won’t accept it.

Brother in laws finance opened up the other day that she had some mental health issues and was on meds and it really helped her etc. DH remarked how she was a ‘ keeper ‘ and how the hell did his brother end up with someone like that who was full of issues. She doesn’t have a great job, isn’t even that good looking and now this as well.

it’s like he categorises women like that- how good looking are you, how much money can you bring, how good are you at house stuff / mothering. If you fall short on those, it’s like you don’t have much worth to him.

is this the way many men think deep down and Judy don’t say it or is he really just horrible ?

No. He's just horrible. Is this the life you really want? How long have you been with this knuckle-dragger?

He sounds like a pig.

You need to advocate for your DD and listen to the school. Good on you for taking the meds. Hopefully, they'll help you see him more clearly for the arsehole that he is.

You could ask yourself how much he is contributing to your mental health issues with his behavior and attitudes. If you have to hide from him the fact you're on medication says a lot on its own. Look after yourself

He sounds brutish and pig ignorant on the one hand; on the other my ILs were/are completely anti any form of meds and MIL thinks any sort of illness is an inherent weakness. Head in the sand about much.

Is he from that sort of background and has never left it and broadened his horizons.

Yeah absolutely. Why the hell would the school take time to tell us this stuff and put things in place to help her focus if it wasn’t true ? They’re also not being too OTT about it and saying she needs to be diagnosed right this second. They’ve just flagged it and how they’re trying to support. He doesn’t understand that some 6 year olds don’t struggle like this.

and if I do explain to him that some 6 year olds can write a lot better than her ( for example ). He’ll be like, it’s because the parents have made lots of effort and we haven’t. Again, blaming me really. But not true. I do make lots of effort with her and she is improving. S

The diagnostic pathway for children is extremely long. If you have concerns, you need to get her on it. You can always withdraw her from the waiting list if things improve. Your husband is being ridiculous and I'd ignore him. Good for you for getting yourself the medication you need.

So as a female you have to look good, bring in money, excel at housework and mothering and never have any health issues.

This is going to put at lot of pressure on your daughter. Have you pointed this out to him?

How does he judge men? Is he perfect according to his own standards?

yes a lot of people are completely against mental health medications. My family for example are actually against most medications. they think everything is a scam by big pharma. That’s not what he thinks. He just thinks you end up like a zombie. And that I’m ‘ fine ‘ and just need to ‘ stop worrying ‘ and if I ‘ really love the kids then I would just stop worrying about them ‘. Very unhelpful.

How’s his brother? Less of a pig? Does he respect him?

yeah he judges men like that too. Except the housework maybe. But yeah you also need to come from a rich family btw.

I wonder how much your mental health would improve without his misogynistic voice in your ear all the time?
He sounds awful, and no all men are definitely not like him. My husband would do anything he could to support me taking steps to improve my health - mental or otherwise.
Your poor daughter, it sounds like you will be her only source of support through this. He could do so much emotional damage to her with his comments.
Do you love him? Do you really want to stay with him?

He sounds utterly revolting. Why did you marry him? Was he always like this?
To answer your queston - yes unfortunately many men are like this but most are not.
The solution is to steer well clear of the pigs.

I don’t think his brother is like him at all. He sounds supportive of his finance and like he wants to help her and doesn’t see her value as a tick box thing. That’s my impression.

No wonder your mental health isn’t great living with this ignorant pig

He didn’t seem like this to be fair.

the thing is, it’s like he has the same views of his grandparents generation, basically.

I am not for SSRIs. Research shows they don't work and they often make symptoms worse. There is a man who collates all the inquests of people who have committed violence against others or themselves after starting sertaline. I'll link it in a minute.

I'd also tell a loved one that I think it's unwise to start a LTR with anyone who has a serious mental illness. I think we normalise SMIs too much.

I also think we judge men by their assets as well as their souls. Who would partner with a man who shows signs of being a crap parent (oh actually many of you do) or poor provider (more people ensure this isnt the case)? If you started thread on here asking how you should screen a new date for long term potential, what things would people on here tell you to consider about him? Does he have a good job, own home, car? It's the same thing.

How did he not seem like it? When did it start to show?

http://antidepaware.co.uk/contents/

He sounds awful

And to be fair to him, it’s not just women who get that sort of judgement - it’s also men. It’s like ‘ what do they bring to the table ‘. It just seems harsh but that’s why I sort of asked - do most men feel this way ?

and yes the reason I’ve never taken meds is exactly that. Ive heard they don’t really help long term. I’m desperate at the moment and decided to just take the risk and give it a go. Hopefully it will be ok. I’ve had a lot of talking therapy that I just didn’t find useful so I thought I would try this. I was really consumed by thoughts of death, illness and disasters tearing me apart from my children and I don’t want to live in that dark place anymore.

its incredibly superior for someone with no mental health issues to state such a position on medication with no lived experience themselves. But even so, a decent man with this view would be offering support and asking their wife what else they can do to reassure you and help get you through this.

@ThatCyanCatonly recently that I’ve sort of realised the full extent.

From what I've read, SSRIs are more likely to make thise dark thoughts much worse. What i found interesting is the reports on women with traumatic backgrounds and drug dependency who enter prison for the first time. They are often prescribed SSRIs for the first time and go on to self harm within weeks of being in prison on a short sentence for something like shoplifting.

These are women who have faced lots of trauma and abuse, as well as having a drug and/or alcohol dependency, and yet they never self harmed until they were on SSRIs.

The whole "what do you bring the table?" Is touted as wise advice for people seeking relationships. I do think it is problematic but I don't think that someone's sex changes how wrong or right it is.

This in spades. Also, do you want your daughter to have this influence from her father? She will grow up thinking that this is the norm and worry that she is less than her father’s view of how people should be and what they should achieve.

I'm torn on this.
On one hand, I do believe that the only unconditional love is from parents (and not always, sadly) and yes one should screen out those with obvious issues before committing.

On the other hand, he does sound completely unsupportive and a twat.

I wonder if OP's problems are linked to the fact that she's married to a cunt?