My DH is just a bit of a Neanderthal and it’s frustrating or am I the one who’s in the wrong ?

[dhandhisviews]

It’s a bunch of things really. Mental health for example- I’ve struggled for a long time off and on- especially after I had babies, but he never really acknowledged it and is 100 percent against medication. I’ve never taken meds before for it. Recently I’ve really been struggling from health anxiety around myself and my kids and have been in a state. I don’t really talk to him about it ( or anyone ) as he doesn’t get it. Fine, some people just don’t. I did open up one night and told him I was struggling a lot and I was finally considering meds. He said I’ll be a zombie and won’t be able to look after my kids etc.

I explained that it really helps some people and he just said he’s absolutely against it. Anyway, I started the meds and haven’t told him. I started two weeks ago and feel fine so far. Anyway, that’s just one example.

My DD school are saying she has attention difficulties and just doesn’t get stuff in the classroom. He won’t hear it. He says she’s just a child and she’s fine. She’s 6. I said that clearly something isn’t right, why else would they be taking time out to have meetings with us ? He thinks it’s all bollocks. They’re not diagnosing her yet or putting her on any path, but if they do, I know he just won’t accept it.

Brother in laws finance opened up the other day that she had some mental health issues and was on meds and it really helped her etc. DH remarked how she was a ‘ keeper ‘ and how the hell did his brother end up with someone like that who was full of issues. She doesn’t have a great job, isn’t even that good looking and now this as well.

it’s like he categorises women like that- how good looking are you, how much money can you bring, how good are you at house stuff / mothering. If you fall short on those, it’s like you don’t have much worth to him.

is this the way many men think deep down and Judy don’t say it or is he really just horrible ?

OP, you say that 'some people just don't understand mental health problems'. It's true that if someone has not experienced it themselves, they might find it hard to get their head around. However, it takes an arrogant, judgemental and unsympathetic man to see his wife and mother of his children suffering and not only make no attempt to understand or empathise, but to judge her for her lack of worth and to think he has the right or the expertise to warn her off treatment that might help.

He just sounds like an unpleasant, mean-spirited person. His attitude to his brother's fiancée speaks volumes about what he thinks of women. If you left him you might find your mental health would improve.

Who gives a fuck if anyone shares his views? The thread isn't even about debating the pros and cons of SSRIs, it's about a woman who IS taking them and is either not being supported or actively abused. Your personal opinion on SSRIs is irrelevant. It's absolutely fucking arrogant to think otherwise.

Sounds like a fucking bot, certainly not a woman among women.

Tbh the only thing unreasonable about your post is comparing the awful behaviour of your DH to the much maligned neanderthals.
Seriously, the issues of him not valuing you, your thoughts and opinions stands out and thats enough to cause anyone to feel anxious.
It's one thing to feel medication may not solve some mental health issues,it another to make someone feel that shouldnt be an option to consider with medical supervision.
I hope you have supportive people around you.

That’s really unhelpful. I wouldn’t be without sertraline.

You don’t always have to do what you are asked. You can make your own judgement.

And on that, I won’t contribute further to the thread derailing.

Have a lovely rest of the day.

Don’t leave this. Get on the waiting list.

If you have adhd then meds can help.

When I was being diagnosed I saw an article saying that most women who take anti depressants and they find they don’t work but continue taking them because they think they are depressed, aren’t actually depressed but have adhd. It’s treating the wrong “illness”

As a blunt and very basic way of describing ADHD

ADHD isn’t a mental health issue in the way people think. It is an actual physical life long issue that we were born with.

Our brains are not the same physical shape as others. We lack the vein that delivers dopamine to the area of the brain that needs dopamine

We use coffee as a bed time drink and take Speed to calm us and order out thoughts Cocaine isn’t a party drug but something that helps us focus.

All the things that stimulate a neurotypical person calm us

I would actually say your dh sounds like he is on the spectrum.

Have you or anyone you know ever needed medication? Do you have any real life experience to back up your opinions? I think your attitude towards mental health is shocking and discriminatory

Thank you. I very much suspect I have adhd. Which my DH also just scoffs at. I would love to try the meds/ get a proper diagnosis, but he’s against it and thinks I’m being dramatic there too.

my history is that I was actually a very focused young child and had no problems at school but all fell apart as soon as things got a bit more difficult for me as a teenager and young adult. I was a mess really for a long time. I managed to get a couple of degrees but everything was always last minute and still is, professionally even now. I managed to do alright but it’s always under constant pressure. I just can’t work without constant fear of my life falling apart. I struggle paying bills on time and doing any kind of boring admin. I just don’t do it, again, until the last minute and only if absolutely necessary. When I’m doing something new, I’m all in and then things just get boring and I can’t focus anymore.

I do maintain a career and I’m reasonably successful and hide it reasonably well. But any time I get instructions or have to learn something new and listen, my brain switches off. I don’t know if I definitely have it but I did fill in a form at the GP who said I should get on the list to be assessed.

Over the years I have met numerous men who deny their wives medical assistance and then when menopause kicks in oh my goodness it’s supercharged
And then they leave and they walk away with the assets
With the children convinced that Mum’s lost the plot and that of course poor Dad had to leave for the 25-year-old is now shacked up with because she’s driven him to it
You have to prioritise yourself here
Whatever that looks like to you

I would never have married this man. He sounds awful especially his comments about his brothers wife.

is this really the person you want to make critical medical decisions for you and your children if you’re incapacitated? I wouldn’t trust him with a pet rock, let alone what kind of medical treatment I or my children should get. It doesn’t matter hoe good looking, healthy or rich he is if your value to him is entirely based on how much convenience you bring to his life and ambitions.

Based on what youve said, I’d be shocked if he didn’t divorce you if you got cancer or denied permission for life saving treatment if he needed to do any caring whatsoever.

OP, this is very much like me. At School I was always in the top three in the year - until puberty hit, when I really struggled. Looking back i can see that i was socially and emotionally behind my peers, despite being more academically able. I also never really learnt HOW to work, because things came quite naturally to me and I was good at focusing in. I dropped out of university because I really couldn't cope, and have been on and off various SSRIs ever since - one of them really didn't suit me, but the others have helped.
In my late 40s, after some trying health issues and other personal stuff, I was diagnosed as having both autism and adhd. I can't take adhd meds but just knowing is a tool and helps me to find ways of coping that work for me, rather than beating myself up because other people's suggestions never really work.
Oh, and your husband is a knob.

Btw, I've never not worked, I've held down my current job for a long time, and I generally get by, but it's always felt hard and a bit like a game of ker-plunk where you know that if you pull the wrong straw everything will crash down. Just in case that feeling is familiar.

Cocaine isn’t a party drug but something that helps us focus.

It’s only recently that I’ve learnt this. A few people have told me that coke doesn’t act as a stimulant if you’ve got adhd.

I was diagnosed with ADHD at 33 after about a decade of trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I did really well at school and university (As, first at a good uni) but fell apart as soon as I hit the workplace. Great at anything academic but hopeless at anything practical. Got a distinction in my master's in my mid twenties but it was one of the worst years of my life. I am also reasonably ok professionally and hide it pretty well - but I have rage quit at least 4 jobs and performance at work came at great cost to my personal life before meds, I was a burnt out zombie living in chaos with no energy to maintain friendships.

I am sure you know this but the symptoms have to have been there since childhood for it to be ADHD. I am fortunate that I was able to compensate because I'm smart and had a good education but the symptoms were still there. I used school reports to evidence that, I actually wasnt expecting them to be helpful because my memory is that I performed well at school but there was evidence of my struggles in literally every report.

Just saying the fact that you feel you had no problems at school doesn't rule out ADHD. And your husband sounds deeply ignorant so at the least please ignore his opinions and do what's right for you.

Did you see my earlier post about right to choose ?

Haven't tried it and don't intend to, but one of my early "hmmm" moments came when I realised strong coffee made me sleepy.

My background is similar, CPTSD (developmental) can also look like ADHD and fits the ‘no apparent problems at school’ description. Again, not trying to diagnose you, but it may be worth considering. And it doesn’t rule out also being ND.

Cocaine has zero effect on me.

That’s lovely for them. Nobody would be telling me what medications I could or couldn’t take.

Wanted to comment as I've read all your replies and feel my situation is really similar to you (except my husband is very supportive as he's had his own mental health issues in the past)

Have you spoken to GP about trying propranolol? I found that really effective with actual worrying, fizzy thoughts, anxiety etc. I started sertraline about 6 weeks ago and I've found it good so far, not like a zombie at all, I feel like it's cleared away the fog so I can actually be myself and the kind of mum I want to be.

You could also get some L Tyrosine, it's a vitamin not a prescription, there has been some research into it helping with ADHD, I've found it helpful but maybe just a placebo!

Good luck and I'm sorry you're not getting support from your husband, you deserve better

But he is very unkind and judgemental. I prefer the company of kind and empathetic people over good looking arseholes.

@dhandhisviews

HE is the cause of your issues.

LTB

Wish I had.

Thank you. Just picked this up. I will watch the video.

my father is an abusive narcissist who also got violent sometimes so it’s hard for me to actually tell if my husband is abusive or just a bit of a cold hearted/ uneducated about MH old school idiot.

he never shouts or is aggressive. He’s just cold / dismissive/ moody.

I will check out the thing you mention because I would really like to understand if I do have ADHD. Like I said, I did not struggle in primary school at all. It was more when puberty hit and the work got more difficult and not immediately easy. And university was a disaster. Even though I did manage to graduate with a 2.1 in the end, it took me a year longer, as I just completely stopped going to class/ answering my teachers repeated emails and letters. I spent my fees on going out and partying. It was just a mess ! Then I sort of sorted myself out and did end up doing a post grad too. But again, all last minute but I did become more responsible then. I don’t know if I was just fuck up or if there’s a deeper thing there.

at work, I hide it well but I can’t concentrate for long on boring tasks that aren’t immediately going to get noticed that aren’t done. I procrastinate sooo much. I spend a lot of time just hanging around. I need so much pressure to actually do stuff I find boring. I manage to get away with it but I could be so much better if I was able to just get on with it.