My DH is just a bit of a Neanderthal and it’s frustrating or am I the one who’s in the wrong ?

[dhandhisviews]

It’s a bunch of things really. Mental health for example- I’ve struggled for a long time off and on- especially after I had babies, but he never really acknowledged it and is 100 percent against medication. I’ve never taken meds before for it. Recently I’ve really been struggling from health anxiety around myself and my kids and have been in a state. I don’t really talk to him about it ( or anyone ) as he doesn’t get it. Fine, some people just don’t. I did open up one night and told him I was struggling a lot and I was finally considering meds. He said I’ll be a zombie and won’t be able to look after my kids etc.

I explained that it really helps some people and he just said he’s absolutely against it. Anyway, I started the meds and haven’t told him. I started two weeks ago and feel fine so far. Anyway, that’s just one example.

My DD school are saying she has attention difficulties and just doesn’t get stuff in the classroom. He won’t hear it. He says she’s just a child and she’s fine. She’s 6. I said that clearly something isn’t right, why else would they be taking time out to have meetings with us ? He thinks it’s all bollocks. They’re not diagnosing her yet or putting her on any path, but if they do, I know he just won’t accept it.

Brother in laws finance opened up the other day that she had some mental health issues and was on meds and it really helped her etc. DH remarked how she was a ‘ keeper ‘ and how the hell did his brother end up with someone like that who was full of issues. She doesn’t have a great job, isn’t even that good looking and now this as well.

it’s like he categorises women like that- how good looking are you, how much money can you bring, how good are you at house stuff / mothering. If you fall short on those, it’s like you don’t have much worth to him.

is this the way many men think deep down and Judy don’t say it or is he really just horrible ?

I would be explaining to him that, sadly, he is not a "keeper" due to his sexist and ablist views.

You'll be happier without him.

This article says that a coroner questions (following a suicide) whether enough information is conveyed about the possible side effects of taking SSRIs. I’m not sure how this is helpful here - you’re sidestepping the response to your other post which pointed out that people taking SSRIs can have suicidal ideation prior to being prescribed the medication. Suicide is, tragically, sometimes a side effect of poor mental health. Can you provide evidence that categorically shows SSRIs cause suicide, rather than underlying poor mental health? If not, these links to woolly articles are pointless. As a pp says above, correlation is not causation.

I think I have adhd ! I know that’s what everyone is saying nowadays but I really think I have it. I’ve done the pre assessment at the GP and they said they’re refer me but it will take two years so I left it. But I think it’s an issue for me for sure. My DH thinks I’m being ridiculous about this too and that I’m just a bit disorganised and have my ‘ head up my arse ‘.. LOL you gotta laugh to you cry.

no that’s not how all men think
he’s just a bit of a dick

OP, I've never met you but I know you can do better than this misogynistic cunt.

Alone forever would be better than this.

If not for you, think ahead to your daughter's choice of future partner. This is currently her standard and frame of reference. Do you want your life for her?

But he's not a very nice human being it seems. Shame that doesn't count for anything.

Hi OP. I just wanted to wish you well. As another poster has stated above, SSRIs do have their place and have helped countless people. I suffered with PND and then health anxiety. It was pretty dark for a good while. I was prescribed SSRIs and once they’d properly kicked in (maybe 6 weeks in?) they cleared my mind enough to make a plan of action for the other things I could do to support myself getting better.
For me that looked like talking therapy and exercise. Those two things then did the bulk of the work but I can’t overemphasise that the drugs got me to a point where I had the head space to take action.
I see the drugs now (and I came off them some years ago) as something that came just in time and made space for me to look after myself and my babies. If I was in the same position again I’d do the same thing, I have no doubt on that point.
Im sure some people do have worsening symptoms on them, but surely all medicines have that, and the GP is the person to ask about any concerns on that front.
Your husbands view that you’ll become a zombie is probably the furthest thing from the truth. As you feel better with the SSRIs and any other positive self care steps you take, you’ll probably be a more present parent with more energy and motivation to be involved in you DCs lives (at least that’s what it was like for me)
Bottom line is that this is YOUR health, not his or your family’s, and so you’re the only one who gets to decide what choices you make.
I hope you start to feel better soon x

Anti anxiety and anti depressants can truly be life changing. They take about 6-8 weeks to make a difference and there can be unpleasant side effects in the initial stages including heightened anxiety. However, like everyone else has said, you’d probably have better mental health without your ‘d’h. You’re probably doing everything anyway so what have you got to lose by separating?

Gloved hands Cecilia
I am not for SSRIs. Research shows they don't work and they often make symptoms worse. There is a man who collates all the inquests of people who have committed violence against others or themselves after starting sertaline.

The above quote is an utter load of crap.

Antidepressants don’t work for everyone but are helpful to many.

As for making people violent - that opinion is absolutely unhinged.

He sounds like a complete knob.

I think there are numerous traumatic or life limiting situations and events that people don't understand until they experience it. For example, a terminal diagnosis, death of a child, victim of violent crime, surviving major accidents when others didn't, and many more. Severe mental health issues would come within this. You can't really understand it unless you have been there.
So maybe you can refrain the situation to having no expectations that he will understand your issues, because how can he. Once you've accepted he, and your Dad and anyone else who doesn't, can not understand where you are with your MH, and you have no expectations that they ever will, you are liberated to seek help from those that can help you and do understand where you are and the challenges you face.
Though empathy and support can be given by a partner without them really understanding the lived experiences of their partner. That's a reasonable expectation from your life partner, which you don't seem to be getting. That would be more of an issue for me than them truly understanding what I was experiencing.

I'm sorry you are going through this OP, it's bad enough to be suffering but he is being horrible about it and not helping at all. I would go and see your doctor - it's absolutely not the case that any medication will make you a zombie. The whole point is you get whatever help you need and adjust it as you go. It can really help get you back on track. I think as far as your daughter goes you'll need to take charge and liaise with the school etc, obviously they aren't going to be raising things which are not an issue - but I realise that's a lot for you to take on at the moment. Longer term - is he really right for you?

usual question from me (well two)
1 what does he bring to the party?
2 why do you stay?

The site i linked which collates all the inquests shows that many people never attempted self harm until they were prescribed medication, irrespective of their previous history of trauma and mental illness/instability. Yes, they might have experienced poor mental health before the prescription, but they never actually tried to hurt themselves until they started taking the drugs.

Wow.

OP - your inner critic is loud and wrong. You are objectively having a very tough time at the moment. It’s not surprising you need some mental health support. This is not a failing on your part - it’s a
perfectly normal reaction to some pretty brutal circumstances.

Be kind to yourself.

Being made redundant - must have been very stressful and a dent to your confidence/self esteem.

Not bringing money in at the moment - the key words are in italics. You brought in money before and you can do so again so this is a temporary situation and you should have the expectation of a loving partner supporting you while you get back on your feet.

DC not doing well at school - again, worrying, understandably. Personally, I would not have the energy to argue. I’d just continue to engage with the school and follow their recommendations, while continuing my own research
into how to support DC.

How old is the youngest? The “terrorism” may be age related and will likely pass. Again, I’d focus on research / seeking feedback and just continue with my strategies to improve the behaviour.

Sex - have you ever told him that his lack of support and empathy has killed your attraction for him? I am guessing here, but I am pretty sure that is part of it. If it’s something else then you can address that in your own time via GP
or other.

I am glad you are taking the meds. Are they working for you?

I took them for a very short time when I was going through my divorce and they helped me detach so much better during that very fraught period. I am now off them so it doesn’t have to be a forever thing. I was resistant (scared / anti meds generally) but honestly they helped me get through a very bad time.

Once your meds settle and you have more strength, please consider your relationship more widely.

Living and trying to build a life and family with a performance managing critic is not a nice place to be. Ask me how I know.

He is treating you like a faulty domestic appliance - is this what you want for your future?

I hope you get stronger and these
challenges pass. At some point, firm talks should be had though - you deserve kindness and support.

💐

Btw, CBT doesn't work well on ND people.

Your husband is physically and psychologically abusive when he voices views that prevent you from accessing necessary medical care and treatment.

He can decide whether to take medication himself to treat a condition or not. He can't make that decision for you.

That you have to secretly take medication for a diagnosed condition is a form of domestic abuse.

His views are preventing your daughter from being evaluated and treated for a medical condition. That's also abuse.

He sounds awful. And good looks can only go so far! Soon he will become physically ugly to you also because of the way he treats you (if he hasn't already) also, sounds like HE is the one with mental health problems. His bullying and neglect to you as a partner has CREATED your MH problems. I hope you gain the strength to leave him eventually but stay strong. You CAN do better xxxx

It really isnt. They don't work and are harmful. They are just cheaper than proper treatments and certainly cheaper than improving society.

Depressing to think this vile man has children who will be listening to his appalling (and stupid) views

Source for these meds “not working”?

Gosh OP, please do not give any mind to this post by someone else who has no lived experience.

SSRI medications are many and all have different side effects. Your GP has put you on medication that they believe will help. It usually takes about 3 months to notice a difference. If you experience side effects that don't work for you, there are many other types that will. I have changed mine over the years as and when needed.

Advocate for your daughter, look after yourself and your medication will bring the clarity you need. It seems like your post may be the start of an epiphany for you!

Your husband's views sound deeply unattractive and it sounds as you may be thinking the same.... you know what to do, new beginnings and all x

But he's a vile pig. Money and health and appearance don't make up for being a horrible person.

Are you planning on staying married to him, or are you receptive to advice/support to leave him?

Yes, antidepressants do work and help a lot of people. Half your problem is you are married to an absolute arsehole, who has destroyed your self esteem. I think you will find you improve massively if you lose him. He won't change but you can X good luck

I remember when i did my mental health training, we were told why this is (or was belived to be then) At rock bottom, people are inacapable of doing anything or choosing anything. One of the first things that people regain once the meds start to work is choice and agency and sadly this means that where they were incapable of self harm when at their worst, they become capable of it again. This doesn't mean that receiving treatment is a bad thing, but it does mean that their can be danger points which need monitoring.